Ive had this rant before, but screw it i need a distraction from reality for a moment:
I don't think I will ever get excited about Star Wars again, until they do a space Montel series featuring Star Wars Characters, because the Skywalkers have got to be the most fucked up and dysfunctional families in the entire galaxy. There are Hutts who have more stable families. And they often eat their dissapointing or overly ambitious children. OR I want a mockumentary about how bad for the galaxy the Skywalker family is.
The dad comes from a single parent home in a bad neighborhood, he gets sold into slavery, then gets put up as a bet, brought into an organization establishment that tells him they don't like him, they don't trust him, but apparently he's the chosen one in some unspecified ancient prophecy.
His first father figure, who won him in a racing bet, is killed.
His second father figure resents him for taking their shared father figure away from him.
His third father figure takes an interest in him, supports him, encourages him to follow his heart and chase his dreams, but is secretly the most evil man in the galaxy...an ambitious politician with fundamentialist religious leanings in a cult devoted to subjugation by unlimited power. So... not the healthiest environment for a boy adrift in the system.
He spends his teenage years enduring grueling physical and mental training, all while being forced to remain abstinent while being expected to espouse, patience, calm and tranquility, all with out his laser sword activating in his robes while doing wire fu martial arts and telepathy and the ability to literally move objects with will alone.
Asigning him to be bedroom body guard with his first crush the hot older babysitter from just before puberty hit.
The force flows through him. What should be a happy union for him becomes a shameful secret fraught with the fear of discovery, disgrace, and disavowment, plus his evil psychic daddy the only one he can talk to keeps telling him that the love of his life and his future kids will definitely die.
His wise magic grandpa tells him(without knowing all the facts, dispite being able to read minds, tells him yeah people die, it sucks theres nothing you can do, thats why we dont form those kinds of connections.
Finally gets that big promotion, but told its only because he's essentially just a neppo baby and its not a real promotion, his kindly evil dad tells him that all his friends secrely hate him and there's maybe possibly a way to save his family...if...
Young man tries to do the right thing, but the people older and wiser and seasoned in the ways of this exact situation, who have constantly belittled him for his weirdly close personal relationship with his kindly evil dad, bring him along and proceed to kick the shit out of his kindly evil dad who pretends to be weak and helpless to get the emotionally unstable and very very groomed young man to over react, and once he's made a huge mistake....doubles down, kills everyone he used to know and work with destroys the largest archived collection of galactic historical knowledge and kicks off a galaxy wide purge of an entire religion, proceeds to operate as a hired killer and thug for the new galactic empire that runs rough shod over the galaxy for 20 years.
Then his kids, fall in with a terrorist organization that launches a campaign of organized resistance and sabotage to the galactic industrial complex, have a "close" personal and professional relationship before the brother finds out that he did all those things he's kept hidden in the splinter of his mind's eye, was with his sister.
He goes into the space swamp to deal with his post nut clarity and meets up with his wise old space great grandfather who trains him in the ways of the monastic tradition, feeds him psychadelics and sends him to confront himself in a magical evil...swamp cave...made out of trees....And no one questions it till this moment, wow...
The son has an intrusive thought about his friends in torment, stops his training cold, and heads off against the advice of both of his surviving father figures that its a bad idea, but if you really want to be a dumb ass...
Meanwhile the daughter who had only done those things with her then unknown brother, to make the older man criminal who's been flirting with her jealous, ends up running from her father in the space hot rod with a large hairy man and a "Fancy" robot where she and the older criminal start hooking inside the belly of a giant space cave, which... is a giant worm...in an actual space cave....made out of an asteroid....jesus. Also the hot rod space ship looks like a hamburger with a single bite taken out of it and a satelite dish. It also is always broken...
They go to a shady fringe planet and meet a handsome used car salesman who owns the whole planet which he won in a card game, and he used to commit crimes with the older criminal, but they had a falling out, but its probably fine now.
Its not fine.
The older criminal is tortured for the hell of it, and frozen in a block of metal ice and shipped off as an object d'art for a giant slug who runs the space mafia....from a palace...that's actually a temple...for these brain jar metal spider monks...on a desert planet. The one from the first movie.
By this time the son arrives to fight the guy he doesnt know is actually his father. Evil Space Dad cuts off his son's hand, asks him to come work for his company during the summer, and the kid would rather jump off a building than go to work for his father's company. So he does.
He falls several hundred feet and is somehow gently sucked into an exaust port as gently as a water slide, and is ejected into the open air of a gas giant planet, falls for less than two feet before being entagled by a televiison antennae, he psychically calls to his sister, who he still doesnt know is his sister, she recieves his telepathic summons, no one questions it, they go pick up the brother, and gtfo to go save the older criminal, and they are now joined by the used car dealer, who they make a general in their rebel army...
They then proceed to have an an actually pretty good adventure that has some well oiled sexy green guy and a sexy blonde human replica droid, and a different scruffy criminal in a different space hot rod with a different fancy droid.
They finally get around to rescuing the criminal but they've waited so long he's temporarily blind.
The space mafia tries to kill them by throwing them into a horrible... giant worm... cave... that is in a hole cave...in the desert...god damn it >_< They blow up the space mafia, they all become generals, then theyre sent on an infiltration moon and no one is supposed to know theyre coming, but the evil space dad feels his psychic space son and so the empire sets a trap.
The rebels meet space teddy bears who are secretly viet kong and they eat people but that is glossed over moving on.
The flesh eating space teddies and the two best friend robots rescue the rebels, given no reward, the shield generator blows up, hundreds of billions of tax payer credits are wasted, the ecosystem of an entire moon is destroyed, and the two most powerful political leaders in the galaxy "die".
Everyone has a cook out. Stormtroopers are eaten. A good time is had by almost all.
The cook out is haunted.
The brother and the Sister find out they accidentally did a Lannister and silently agree to never tell the older smuggler, who is now in love with the princess. What could go wrong?
But as you'll find out in SW-1's Behind the Music special...The Skywalker Band was riddled with bad choices, and tons of drama...
