INTJ + ISFP relationships

[Sunny Ghost]

Friendship and dating, what are the pro's and con's of these relationships? How do INTJs perceive ISFPs?

 

[BadOctopus]

The only ISFP I know in real life is my sister, and we... do not get along well. But she's an extremely unhealthy enneagram 6 ISFP. I can't understand her paranoia and defensiveness, and she doesn't understand my unemotional, rational nature. She takes everything so personally that I can hardly have a conversation with her that doesn't end with her being angry with me.

If I knew a healthy ISFP, I would probably like them just fine. I get along pretty well with FPs in general.

 

[Antimony]

I've observed a few different things between INTJs and ISFPs, and I can make some extrapolations based on functions and general type tendencies.

As far as day to day interactions go, I tend to notice more cons in relations between ISFPs and INTJs than I do pros. Perhaps this is born of a place of misunderstanding. Typically, the values of the standard INTJs I've observed do not mesh very well with ISFPs. I'd also like to note that when it comes to types having the whole "first letter in common thing" (ISTP + INFJ, ENTP + ESFJ, etc) there are a lot of issues.

In theory, however, we can look at the functions of an INTJ:

Ni, Te, Fi, Se

And the functions of an ISFP:

Fi, Se, Ni, Te

And see that they are the same, yet in a different order (obviously). The benefit to this type of function match-up (or mismatch) is that if both are balanced individuals, one can provide the other with an interesting/different (oftentimes very different) perspective because they are using their functions in different ways. I stress the need for balance, however. In my personal observations, if one of the individuals is very unbalanced in their use of functions, they will likely serve to piss the other off because they are using x function in a way that the other does not respect. (For example, my tertiary use, or tool use, of Fe irritates my ESFJ friends to no end because I use it as a tool, not as a means of relating to the world in the way they do).

 

[Duffy]

The only ISFP I know in real life is my sister, and we... do not get along well. But she's an extremely unhealthy enneagram 6 ISFP. I can't understand her paranoia and defensiveness, and she doesn't understand my unemotional, rational nature. She takes everything so personally that I can hardly have a conversation with her that doesn't end with her being angry with me.

If I knew a healthy ISFP, I would probably like them just fine. I get along pretty well with FPs in general.

You don't strike me as unemotional on these forums. Just sayin'.

 

[BadOctopus]

You don't strike me as unemotional on these forums. Just sayin'.

I know. I only meant unemotional compared to her. She's... highly volatile.

 

[Sunny Ghost]

[MENTION=23115]BadOctopus[/MENTION] I've only met one e6 ISFP, and I can concur - I found her irritating as well.

I've friended and dated a few, and consider one INTJ to be my best friend. We do clash time to time.

I'm now dating an INTJ that I don't know terribly well yet. He's told me nearly his whole life story, but I don't feel as though he's really opening up on an emotional level. He keeps wanting to hang out and date, but is definitely slow to warm up. He's standoffish at times too. When probed as to why he wants to continue hanging out, he says things like "I feel comfortable around you" or "I like your house/room/car" or "I think you're funny." He's more affectionate when drinking and less so when sober. Though he's coming around more on that one the last few times we've hung out.
[MENTION=7197]Antimony[/MENTION] Why do you think people clash when they are both introverts or both extroverts?

 

[Aleph]

I am a 4w5 INTJ and one of my best friends is a 4w5 ISFP. I have a lot of fun with her. She's the most tolerant person I've ever met and we have similar passions so we talk for hours of them. I don't tell her everything because I am not comfortable in sharing my weaknesses but I think that if I told her she would keep the nice relaxed attitude she has on everything else. I have sometimes considered her a little shallow in her opinions, and I soon regretted that because actually she wants to keep her peace of mind and see the best of every situation, which is not as I live but I respect that and I was wrong in being condescendent at first.

 

[Antimony]

[MENTION=7197]Antimony[/MENTION] Why do you think people clash when they are both introverts or both extroverts?

Specifically when they have only introversion or extroversion in common.

It is because they use the same functions, but in ways that the other won't appreciate. I will illustrate with myself (an ENTP) versus an ESFJ.

Fe is my tertiary. Fe doms tend to not respect the tertiary "tool use" of Fe. I can understand dom Fe, but it frustrates me at times. The ESFJ will be more frustrated with my use of Fe than I will be their use.

Ne is my dom. I don't respect the tertiary use of Ne in ESFJs. The ESFJ will be more confused by my use of Ne versus my lack of respect for their use of Ne.

Ti is my auxiliary. I dislike the inferior use of Ti in ESFJs. ESFJs tend to get very frustrated by my "excessive use of logic."

Si is my inferior. ESFJs can't understand my inferior use of Si because they value it so much. The ESFJ tends to be as frustrated by my use of Si as I am of their use of Si.

I think they clash further due to issues with communication and information processing.

 

[Sunny Ghost]

I am a 4w5 INTJ and one of my best friends is a 4w5 ISFP. I have a lot of fun with her. She's the most tolerant person I've ever met and we have similar passions so we talk for hours of them. I don't tell her everything because I am not comfortable in sharing my weaknesses but I think that if I told her she would keep the nice relaxed attitude she has on everything else. I have sometimes considered her a little shallow in her opinions, and I soon regretted that because actually she wants to keep her peace of mind and see the best of every situation, which is not as I live but I respect that and I was wrong in being condescendent at first.

Yes!

I guarantee she/he won't judge you.

The INTJ that I consider my best friend, is also my ex. We have maintained a friendship for the last five years since splitting. I always felt I had some of the most thoughtful conversations with him and truly value him for it.
I also found the description of "activity partner" to ring true for our friendship. I feel I pull him out of his shell and he brings out the silliest parts of me. He's such a rock and always showed appreciation for my way of being, that I go overboard into my Fi/Se side.

 

[highlander]

There is a thread here on this.

 

[chubber]

[MENTION=23115]BadOctopus[/MENTION] I've only met one e6 ISFP, and I can concur - I found her irritating as well.

I've friended and dated a few, and consider one INTJ to be my best friend. We do clash time to time.

I'm now dating an INTJ that I don't know terribly well yet. He's told me nearly his whole life story, but I don't feel as though he's really opening up on an emotional level. He keeps wanting to hang out and date, but is definitely slow to warm up. He's standoffish at times too. When probed as to why he wants to continue hanging out, he says things like "I feel comfortable around you" or "I like your house/room/car" or "I think you're funny." He's more affectionate when drinking and less so when sober. Though he's coming around more on that one the last few times we've hung out.
[MENTION=7197]Antimony[/MENTION] Why do you think people clash when they are both introverts or both extroverts?

Have you read up on inferior Se?

 

[Sunny Ghost]

Have you read up on inferior Se?

Are you an INTJ?

so it that a norm for drunk INTJs then? The other one I knew never drinks.

 

[chubber]

Are you an INTJ?

Yes

Are you an INTJ?so it that a norm for drunk INTJs then? The other one I knew never drinks.

Social lubrication is a necessary evil, however, too much of it, leads to social isolation to cleanse oneself.

INTJs and INFJs appear less likely than other Introverted types to get much pleasure from a lessening of introverted “inhibitions,” although some INTJ males describe becoming more extraverted in a positive, sociable way. An INFJ said he is “surprisingly more extraverted, especially in the company of strangers; more expressive and less contained.” Female Introverted Intuitive types mention increased sociability less frequently, possibly because they, like other women who are Introverts, are encouraged (or required) to develop social skills.However, for the most part, the obsessiveness and discomfort that accompany extraverting their Sensing function is experienced as overwhelmingly distressing for both male and female INTJs and INFJs.

source: Recognizing the Inferior Function in INxJ

 

[Sunny Ghost]

[MENTION=20044]chubber[/MENTION]
Ooh. Interesting - introverted females not enjoying lessening their inhibitions. I understand that. My friends and I have often talked about the day after remorse - did I say or do something stupid or offensive?
This particular INTJ in question appears to enjoy having drinks on occasion and socializing. He may be one of those rare ones. He places a large emphasis on his relationship with his family and his friends - most of whom he's known since childhood.
I do find it odd that he usually just wants to hang out and watch television with me as opposed to sit and have conversation - which is what I would typically do with the other INTJ I am close to. This may boil down to differing enneagrams and instincts.

 

[Poki]

[MENTION=20044]chubber[/MENTION]
Ooh. Interesting - introverted females not enjoying lessening their inhibitions. I understand that. My friends and I have often talked about the day after remorse - did I say or do something stupid or offensive?
This particular INTJ in question appears to enjoy having drinks on occasion and socializing. He may be one of those rare ones. He places a large emphasis on his relationship with his family and his friends - most of whom he's known since childhood.
I do find it odd that he usually just wants to hang out and watch television with me as opposed to sit and have conversation - which is what I would typically do with the other INTJ I am close to. This may boil down to differing enneagrams and instincts.

Or so/sx/sp

 

[Sunny Ghost]

Or so/sx/sp

My understanding of the instincts are still pretty weak at best. I've never truly grasped how to best figure out these.

 

[Aleph]

Yes!

I guarantee she/he won't judge you.

The INTJ that I consider my best friend, is also my ex. We have maintained a friendship for the last five years since splitting. I always felt I had some of the most thoughtful conversations with him and truly value him for it.
I also found the description of "activity partner" to ring true for our friendship. I feel I pull him out of his shell and he brings out the silliest parts of me. He's such a rock and always showed appreciation for my way of being, that I go overboard into my Fi/Se side.

I shall find the courage to tell her some serious personal stuff then
I understand perfectly your beautiful relationship with your ex, now best of friends. I don't mean to make generalizations but of all the people I know Fe users are overwhelming, from SFJs to my INFJ friend, they all seem to want to impose their views and values, not realizing we can disagree and still be friends. That's differences are interesting nd make life and frienships richer. NFPs are cool too, my INFP friend subtly tried to impose her views but she stopped. Instead my ISFP friend is perfect. She never gets angry for petty matters like gossips and jealousy between friends, just like me she has her own rich inner world and she is simply not concerned. Another thing I love about her is that when we meet someone new we never comment on that person right away, but after a while we find each other saying almost at the same time that we don't trust them. She's like "I have a bad vibe about her" and then I tell her why I have the same bad vibe and then she tells me it's fitting with her idea. We're not into gossip when we are with other people, but together we do that a lot.
She's very modest about her abilities while I always compliment her because she seems unaware or her potential.
When I started reading cognitive functions and I saw that INTJs and ISFPs have the same functions we thought: "see? that's why we are so alike"..because we are alike, even if we aren't.

 

[Tazzie]

From personal experience. I have two female close friends that scored intj. One from socionics and other from myer brigg test. One one of them is like a sister that I always wanted (i have no sisters).

As friends or family it seems to me that we balance each other out. As for example i can get them to loosen up and they can help me to not be taken advantage of so easily. although with my two friends i sometimes wish they be more patient with people. I like that INTJs seem to be the only ones that seem ok with me being quiet so far and not make a comment about it. I really enjoy thre company as well.

But as for dating one i never had and honestly wouldn't really be interestd in dating an INTJ. I like them as friends or family.