When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
I think these two types can be perfectly compatible considering where each individual is at in their life as far as their maturity level and when and how they meet and become friends and how their relationship develops. I think that shared interests and activities are very important to an ESTJ and an INFP can learn to really appreciate that quality time together.
- Why are they attracted to each other?
As an INFP, I was attracted to my ESTJ partner's consistency and dependability. He was confident, as an extrovert and consistently inviting me out and including me in his circle of friends. This made me feel special and included and eased my relationship anxieties, as far as "is he thinking of me? when/will i hear from him again?" etc... We started out hanging out as friends through our shared interests so this made the relationship feel easy and natural for both of us. We both continued to pursue our separate interests as well so not too much focus or emphasis or pressure was put on our friendship. It was like a nice, pleasant bonus surprise.
- How to they compliment each other?
The ESTJ helps the INFP to try not to take things so personally. The ESTJ can also encourage the INFP to be more assertive and face their fear of confrontation. The INFP smooths out the ESTJ's rough edges in helping them to see other people's perspectives and bring out their open-mindedness. ESTJs are actually very open-minded but the way the declare their thoughts as they are processing and learning new information can make them seem like bossy, closed-minded, know-it-alls. If you communicate with them further, your will see this is not the case.
- How well do they understand each other and why?
We understand each other very well because we talk about everything. I love it. As an introvert, it can be hard for me to speak up, especially when I'm upset. My sweet ESTJ stops what he's doing at the sight of the slightest wrinkle in my forehead and asks me whats wrong or what happened. I feel 100% safe in telling him my emotional upsets. He is great at taking my feedback and altering his communication style to soothe me. A lot of times, he is just being his objective self, and unintentionally hurts my feelings. We hash things out (as far as having a discussion) and I notice the next time we are in a similar situation he is incorporating how I told him I would prefer he word things. I can't think of a better way for him to show his care. He on the other hand, is an open book. He is easy to understand because he always speaks his mind. I have noticed though, that sometimes if he is upset he could get critical toward me or get quiet. When I point this out and ask him if he is upset, he will then tell me. The most important thing for me as an INFP is to listen to what he is saying and not take it as final. ESTJs process out loud - no filter. I have found that listening to him and repeating what he says ensures he feels heard, and that my feelings and me taking everything personally doesn't get in the way of me hearing what he is really trying to say.
- What are they like together raising children?
We don't have children yet, but we have two dogs.
When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
As an INFP I remember in the beginning, telling him he wouldn't understand why I felt the way I felt. He told me, "then keep telling me in different words until I do understand." So INFPs: don't expect them to intuitively "get you". Tell them directly how you feel and use behaviors, for example, "when you did X behavior it made me feel Y, even though I know you didn't mean it in that way." They will surprise you in how they integrate the information that you give them. So just don't expect them to read your mind, and try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Don't hold things in but try to be tactful and don't snap at them when you are hurt. They aren't trying to hurt you and when you can calmly explain to them that they did, they will do their best not to repeat it again. My ESTJ is just great at incorporating the feedback that I give him. It builds so much trust between us. My advice to an ESTJ with an INFP: We are extremely sensitive. Use a pleasant tone, give us lots of positive feedback, be extremely delicate if you must offer constructive criticism. Try to word things in a positive way of what you want us to do or how to do it. We can be easily hurt if we think we disappointed you or that you think we did something "wrong." INFP's are really hard on ourselves so we want to feel our partner supports us unconditionally. Always thank us out loud with words when we do something you like. Praise our efforts and not just our accomplishments. Flirt with us and flatter us. We will try even harder to please you.
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
I think ESTJ's value controlling their emotions where INFP's value expressing emotions whether good or bad. INFP's: don't rely soley on your ESTJ as your only emotional outlet. Use your other friends and family and exercise, meditate, read, and be in nature. Take good care of yourself. ESTJ's can be affected in a negative way to our intense feelings. This is not a bad thing or a fault. It doesn't mean you are flawed or unlovable or misunderstood. It is unrealistic to expect one person to fulfill all of your emotional needs. So choose your battles and when and how you express your emotions. I feel my ESTJ is the protector of my heart in the way that he cares so much about my thoughts and feelings and always wants to know whats going on with me. He will literally stop whatever else he is doing and put everything else on hold while we talk things through. But, INFP's: don't take advantage of this. Appreciate that your ESTJ goes to a lot of effort to plan and organize fun things for the two of you to do together and with friends. This "quality time" is a huge part of how they show they care. Don't ruin their good time with your sour mood. Express yourself honestly and authentically and move on. Don't dwell too much on your upsets. Try to practice mindfulness and being fully engaged in the present moment without worrying about some past or future event.
- How can they take each other for granted?
ESTJ's can be too hard on INFP's and expect too much. ESTJ's: Always appreciate and verbally acknowledge the INFP's efforts and if you want to offer constructive feedback, do it in a positive or even indirect way. INFP's love a challenge- but can't stand perceived criticism. So say something like, "have you ever tried ..." or "this is really great, next time we/you should try..." or "you did this really well, next time try ..."
INFP's may not get ESTJ's need to socialize and to always be texting and to know what's going on with everyone all the time. INFP's: Try not to be jealous and trust your ESTJ has a heart of gold. If you want to know what's going on with them, or who they're talking to, just ask. They won't care. They are an open book. Appreciate that a lot of the planning and socializing your ESTJ is doing is with you in mind. They love to have their partner at their side. I would be pretty bored and lonely without my ESTJ!
- What happens with things “go wrong†between these two types?
I would say when things go wrong, it's usually we get into a loop of not listening/trying to understand each other in an argument. Take a time-out. Think about how important the argument is in the big picture, then use the speaker/listener technique. Tell your partner, "I can tell this is really important to you, tell me more..." Or "I want to understand where you're coming from ..." Then LiSTEN. Do not get defensive, INFP's! Listen with the intent of hearing what your partner is trying to say and UNDERSTANDING them -NOT agreeing with them. Don't expect to agree with your partner on EVERYTHING. Continue repeating back to your partner what they are saying to you (For example, "You were upset when I snapped at you..." instead of "Well I snapped because you weren't paying attention and ..." ) until they fell heard and understood and have no more to say. Genuinely apologize for upsetting them. Calmly explain your point of view and where you are coming from to them. The next time a similar situation or conversation comes up, you will notice your ESTJ incorporating your feedback or point of view
I love my ESTJ and feel so loved by him!
