[NF] INFJ/P: Highest in marital dissatisfaction...

[little.bad.apple]

According to a certain typology webpage, the INFJ is the highest of all types in marital dissatisfaction, and the INFP is the second highest of all types

Here's the link. PersonalityDesk - Learning Center - INFP in Careers, Relationships, Leadership, Parenting

Now, this makes sense because both types tend to be quite idealistic, and presumably their high standards can be difficult to reconcile with reality. I know that's true in my case. So, any thoughts/experience on the matter? It would be great to know other INFP/INFJ opinions

 

[Synarch]

I didn't see that anywhere there.

 

[Orangey]

Read closer. For INFPs: "Second highest of all types to report marital dissatisfaction." For INFJs: "Highest of all types in marital dissatisfaction."

 

[Synarch]

Damn. I wonder why that is. Self sacrificing behaviors?

 

[Wiley45]

Makes sense to me, and I can vouch for it from personal experience and observation. I naturally have unrealistic expectations that need to be brought down to earth a little bit.

 

[tenINsFJ]

Makes sense to me, and I can vouch for it from personal experience and observation. I naturally have unrealistic expectations that need to be brought down to earth a little bit.

Same here. I've heard from my coworkers that I have really high expectations. And it's true. I expect perfection and strive for it. Oh wellz. I'm doomed for life.

 

[Halla74]

According to a certain typology webpage, the INFJ is the highest of all types in marital dissatisfaction, and the INFP is the second highest of all types

Here's the link. PersonalityDesk - Learning Center - INFP in Careers, Relationships, Leadership, Parenting

Now, this makes sense because both types tend to be quite idealistic, and presumably their high standards can be difficult to reconcile with reality. I know that's true in my case. So, any thoughts/experience on the matter? It would be great to know other INFP/INFJ opinions

I read this in a professional study also. My wife of 15 years is INFJ. The elements of that type that have contributed to her being dissatisfied at times are:

(1) Introverts reach out for support less than extroverts, and thus can feel alone and isolated under stress.

(2) The NF idyllic is always searching for the perfect _____ and at times forgets that things in the here and now can be pretty damn good, and not in need of a little tweaking all things conisdered.

(3) INFJ does not like to make decisions on the fly (like ESTP!) and when communication between INFJ and E _ TP, ISTP, etc. ensues, sometimes INFJ will get overwhelmed with the details that go beyond their initial intent of the conversation, and the conversation will end. If this happens for too long, the INFJ will not "feel heard" and thus will become hurt and withdraw.

(4) The worst thing a _ _TP can do for an INFJ that is talking to them about a problem they having is SOLVE THE PROBLEM and walk away. It is best to listen.

(5) INFJs want to connect on a deeper level with their E _ _ _ mates at times, but don't define that for thier SO, making it hard for them to satisfy that need. Hiding the ball if you will.

These issues lead to a breakdown in communication, which is the kiss of death for any realtionship if it goes on for too long.

There are ways around them though. Isolate these 1 by 1 and keep at it. When you do, the INFJ is happy and a real joy to be with.

 

[Wiley45]

^ That post was extraordinary.

I am not INFJ, but I can relate to/agree with everything you said.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I read this in a professional study also. My wife of 15 years is INFJ. The elements of that type that have contributed to her being dissatisfied at times are:

(1) Introverts reach out for support less than extroverts, and thus can feel alone and isolated under stress.

(2) The NF idyllic is always searching for the perfect _____ and at times forgets that things in the here and now can be pretty damn good, and not in need of a little tweaking all things conisdered.

(3) INFJ does not like to make decisions on the fly (like ESTP!) and when communication between INFJ and E _ TP, ISTP, etc. ensues, sometimes INFJ will get overwhelmed with the details that go beyond their initial intent of the conversation, and the conversation will end. If this happens for too long, the INFJ will not "feel heard" and thus will become hurt and withdraw.

(4) The worst thing a _ _TP can do for an INFJ that is talking to them about a problem they having is SOLVE THE PROBLEM and walk away. It is best to listen.

(5) INFJs want to connect on a deeper level with their E _ _ _ mates at times, but don't define that for thier SO, making it hard for them to satisfy that need. Hiding the ball if you will.

These issues lead to a breakdown in communication, which is the kiss of death for any realtionship if it goes on for too long.

There are ways around them though. Isolate these 1 by 1 and keep at it. When you do, the INFJ is happy and a real joy to be with.

yes, i agree with jewelchild, you obviously have a good, working knowledge of what it is to relate with an infj. really the only two that are applicable for me are the highlighted portions: #2 for me, and making my hubby understand that for me, i just need to vent and/or philosophize about something long enough so that i can solve (or not solve) the problem myself. it is hard for him to remember i'm not asking or needing him to solve my problem, just because i need him to listen to my problem.

of course i wonder about #2 as relationship length increases. since i'm an idealist, and, particularly a relationship idealist, i wonder about infj having different requirements in their primary (and other) relationships, because as our personalities ebb and flow with change, as mine does, isn't it also natural that we desire a partner (perhaps new?) who can be a good complement for those new changes?

but perhaps, and i'm thinking this is so, the above thought is more a reflection of any relationship beyond, say, 20 years in duration. people can really change a lot in 20 years, regardless of personality type.?

EDIT: i must say though, that i think it might be a testament to my husband's iXtj manner that i have remained so completely happy overall in our relationship for all these years (almost 21). he can be spontaneous or planning, is very dependable, and worships the ground i walk on (haha!). he's also open to adventure. he can go deep in conversation occasionally, and lets me bounce ideas and things off him, listening for a while--i dunno about 30 mins is his max--and he's super smart with razor sharp thinking, and an excellent (if unnerving) Se and Ne. i'm currently coming-out-of-i-hope a sort-of midlife crisis thingy and i think we have what it takes to go the duration, if i can learn to accept less than my vision of Utopia.

 

[Totenkindly]

The thread supposition is not surprising, I'd see INFx's as having issues due to idealism. (in comparison, INTP is pretty flexible -- the relationship has to be sensible/rational, usually INTPs just get uptight if the other person continues to do things that undermine the relationship long-term or waste lots of energy / make things stressful continually).

That matches up with the INFJs I have known, most have been fairly tightly wound out of all the NF sorts.

Nice post, Halla.

 

[Nyota]

Halla pretty much summed it up...

Being one of those idealistic INFJs, I really hope I am satisfied with my marriage.

 

[Udog]

A few thoughts:

1. INFPs and INFJs are the most statistically likely to marry their ESTJ / ESTP opposites. Opposite marriages tend to be the most statistically likely to be unhappy, though.

2. Many INF_s don't have very realistic expectations of how a relationship works in the real world. About once every week or three I see a post by a young INF_ who is setting themselves up for future relationship dissatisfaction.

3. INF_s usually need to learn the hard way that they need to modify their values to fit into the real world (and not the other way around). 99% of young INF_s simply aren't ready to take the advice of those that have already been there - they need to experience it and go through the pain themselves. If they happen to marry before learning this lesson...

4. Both types are prone to avoid conflict until things go "too far", at which point mending the relationship becomes an epic task. Confronting issues as soon as they occur - don't let them fester.

5. Both types can remain in a bad relationship way too long. INF_s take pride in their ability to judge people and potential, and it takes a great big bite of humble pie to admit we were wrong, or that the situation has changed and no longer fits the ideal.

It's an art - melding internal, dreamy idealism with the sometimes harsh realities of the real world. Embrace it, as together they are a powerful mixture. The INF_s that I've seen happiest in marriage have perfected this art.

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

A few thoughts:

1. INFPs and INFJs are the most statistically likely to marry their ESTJ / ESTP opposites. Opposite marriages tend to be the most statistically likely to be unhappy, though.

2. Many INF_s don't have very realistic expectations of how a relationship works in the real world. About once every week or three I see a post by a young INF_ who is setting themselves up for future relationship dissatisfaction.

3. INF_s usually need to learn the hard way that they need to modify their values to fit into the real world (and not the other way around). 99% of young INF_s simply aren't ready to take the advice of those that have already been there - they need to experience it and go through the pain themselves. If they happen to marry before learning this lesson...

4. Both types are prone to avoid conflict until things go "too far", at which point mending the relationship becomes an epic task. Confronting issues as soon as they occur - don't let them fester.

5. Both types can remain in a bad relationship way too long. INF_s take pride in their ability to judge people and potential, and it takes a great big bite of humble pie to admit we were wrong, or that the situation has changed and no longer fits the ideal.

true, what you are saying. but when you look at a 50% divorce rate (if that is accurate--i'm spouting what i've 'heard'), it appears all types are guilty of the aforementioned, and that the prob of infj pairing is probably a miniscule, infinitesimal part of the overall problems in relating one-on-one.

It's an art - melding internal, dreamy idealism with the sometimes harsh realities of the real world. Embrace it, as together they are a powerful mixture. The INF_s that I've seen happiest in marriage have perfected this art.

my new mantra. thank you!

 

[cascadeco]

Can't speak from experience, but I can write about why marriage worries me and why I sometimes think I'm not cut out for it. I don't know if what I write is going to be about 'idealism' or not -- as that word is thrown around so much and I sometimes don't even know what people are really talking about when they use that word.

I think a big piece is just that I have a strong need for change and newness throughout my life, and the thought of the same thing, day in and day out, for years and decades, worries me. Now I do think it's potentially a totally different thing with an actual person who I Love, but as far as day-to-day life, and experiences, I hate feeling that I'm stuck in a rut and no longer growing as a person. So I worry that I would become ancy in a LTR when my partner does not feel that way and is perfectly happy and content keeping things as-is for the long run.

Also, someone else mentioned this, but it applies to me too - I worry that I might change enough, over time (even if it's a gradual process), that in the future my needs/goals will be different than what they are right now. And that seems like it would be problematic when you throw a lifelong partnership into the mix.

And then finally...maybe this is my 'life is short' mentality...but I guess I sometimes don't even see the 'point' of being in a relationship if it's less than what I am *really* wanting/desiring. I'm aware that relationships take work, and I don't at all expect that things will always run smoothly or there won't be bumps in the road (because I know there will be, and with love, I would desire to put forth my all to try to make things work). But if I/we try and things just can't be resolved so as to make both parties happy, with no resentment, then I have no problem with divorce. I will do it. So that's probably another thing - that conceptually I don't have a problem with divorce. So perhaps that means I'm not as...loyal?...as many might be. I'm not going to stick around in a crappy situation just because I made what I hoped would be a lifelong commitment. Sometimes things don't work out. And the very fact that I have this attitude about marriage means I'd probably be more apt to divorce. But I would also for the same reason be equally careful when/if I DID get married -- because I would really WANT it to be for life. I feel like all of this might have come out the wrong way and might not be understood/make sense, but oh well.

Edit: And obviously it could be the other person who is changing, etc, and not me, and the same thing applies. I just write more about my concerns of MY getting ancy, personal growth, etc etc, because I seem to have a higher drive than most when it comes to that.

 

[jenocyde]

it appears all types are guilty of the aforementioned, and that the prob of infj pairing is probably a miniscule, infinitesimal part of the overall problems in relating one-on-one.

Maybe, but we're talking about INFxs, specifically. And it wouldn't hurt for everyone, of every type, take a good look at themselves.

Halla and UDog give sound advice, once again. I think these two men should run the world. Or at least my life. Or at least do my laundry...? pleeease?? cheese

It would be very difficult for me to hear a problem and not take any steps to fix it. If this is a major point of contention in INFx relationships, then some compromise needs to be made. Out of curiosity, if you want to work it out yourselves, then why talk about it?

 

[whimsical]

I agree with Halla's post, I have a lot of high expectations of people and especially those I am close to or in a relationship with. I give a lot of myself and I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can do things better for the other person, how I can make them feel the best they can, how I can make this relationship reach it's highest potential, and in return I do expect the same

 

[ptgatsby]

I'd be interested in seeing the study itself... it doesn't fit into what I've read about relationship satisfaction... including idealization. It's normally a positive thing. Mind you, I think a lot of more neurotic people identify themselves with NFs (due to the connection of sensitivity that is written into the description - you don't find this correlation in formal testing), and that is strongly negative for relationships. Be interesting to see how they came to the conclusion... I'll have to look around for it.

 

[Sniffles]

It's an art - melding internal, dreamy idealism with the sometimes harsh realities of the real world. Embrace it, as together they are a powerful mixture.

To be a Romantic realist? Yes I know, speaking from personal experience.

 

[jenocyde]

I agree with Halla's post, I have a lot of high expectations of people and especially those I am close to or in a relationship with. I give a lot of myself and I spend a lot of time thinking about how I can do things better for the other person, how I can make them feel the best they can, how I can make this relationship reach it's highest potential, and in return I do expect the same

What does that mean - highest potential? What is the highest potential in a relationship?

I think most people give a lot of themselves in relationships, but some are just too tuned into themselves to see what non-verbal things their partner brings to the table.

 

[PeaceBaby]

Or at least do my laundry...? pleeease??

You'll need an STJ for that!

I have more thoughts on this topic, but will post back later.