[INTJ] What makes INTJ's feel loved/appreciated?

[MonkeyGrass]

Usehername- thank you for typing that out! So, rather than having your quietly dropped self-disclosing highlighted with enthusiastic mushiness in the moment, it's more meaningful to have it thoughtfully remembered later, right? Sometimes, my impulse is to want to delve into it with heart wide open...but I sometimes get the vibe that my in the moment "mush" over a shared thought is overwhelming and embarrassing, and I don't see that thought again for a long time. ::mull::

 

[poppy]

That's good to know! It's a bad habit of mine, and i do it a lot when I'm bored...and tend to say a lot of things like that out loud to trusted INTJs because I value their opinions. I need to work on not doing it. ::bag over head::


I appreciate, btw, you guys taking the time to fill me in. :O)

Well, I like talking about myself

EDIT: on the internet

 

[MonkeyGrass]

Well, I like talking about myself

EDIT: on the internet

LOL, you and me both, Poppy. Much better than IRL.

 

[Usehername]

Usehername- thank you for typing that out! So, rather than having your quietly dropped self-disclosing highlighted with enthusiastic mushiness in the moment, it's more meaningful to have it thoughtfully remembered later, right? Sometimes, my impulse is to want to delve into it with heart wide open...but I sometimes get the vibe that my in the moment "mush" over a shared thought is overwhelming and embarrassing, and I don't see that thought again for a long time. ::mull::

IDK...

I'm the kind of person who gets natural highs off of being moreandmoreintense with someone I care for, so I would invite things that brought about said connection. But I'm also moody sometimes and just want people to stay the hell away from my walls that are there for a freaking reason. In short, both of those options are wrong sometimes and right other times (for me).

I'd suggest not thinking so much and using your intuition.

 

[Amargith]

Mine tends to like it when I pick up on his 'bad' days, the moments he feels vulnerable, and without saying something, make things easier for him, giving him a break from the world. Once that's out of the way, I just lie on the couch, look at him, and he'll usually come and cuddle me. His embrace will usually tell me if it's just a dip that can be fixed with some physical attention, or whether I should comfort him that way first and once he's a bit more relaxed, encourage him to talk/rant about it to help him sort things out.

 

[ed111]

At work:

Being recognised with increased responsibility, pay and promotion. Being told I've done a good job isn't enough (I already know that). If that's all I get, I will feel like I'm being used and will most likely move some where else where I DO get increased responsibility, pay and promotion.

At home:

Being loved and cared for: having meals cooked for me and being looked after. Thoughtful gifts are nice. Things that I've wanted but haven't explicitly asked for.

 

[thisGuy]

pretend to loose to them...they dont like losing much

thats what someone meant when they said 'challenge in a supportive way'

 

[jenocyde]

I'll let you know if I ever date one again. But the one I dated years ago loved it when I was on time without his prodding (nagging) me. He also appreciated that I never asked him how he was feeling but would listen to him, without interruption, when he brought it up. He especially liked it if I never brought up "the incident" (his emo rant) again.

He really liked it when I remembered the birthday of his mom and/or close family and took the initiative to buy them gifts or plan something nice.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

pretend to loose to them...they dont like losing much

thats what someone meant when they said 'challenge in a supportive way'

LOL. Well then, good! I'm already quite skilled at "losing", and in the stealthy art of face saving for the other party after I've beaten them soundly.

 

[Qre:us]

pretend to loose to them...they dont like losing much

They like the other pretending (warning sign) to lose even less than they like losing. You will lose their respect and they will become more suspicious of you.

thats what someone meant when they said 'challenge in a supportive way'

Supportive way = opening them up to new ways of looking at things, thinking about things, i.e., towards a greater insight, understanding. Towards positive growth - be it mental, physical, emotional, etc.

Do it through challenge means don't hand-hold them through it, but, allow them to come to the conclusions by the way you steer it, present the argument. I.e., challenge them to THINK.

At work:

Being recognised with increased responsibility, pay and promotion. Being told I've done a good job isn't enough (I already know that). If that's all I get, I will feel like I'm being used and will most likely move some where else where I DO get increased responsibility, pay and promotion.

@ bolded. So true, my INxJ got his evaluation and scored perfect on everything. When his boss handed the evaluation over to him and congratulated him, he looked at him irked, and asked, "What do I do with this? How is this helpful?" (I.e., if he was already perfect, there was no challenge, or point to his work, for the future). So, the boss finally relented and gave him back 'helpful evaluation' - it was, not suprisingly, in the arena of social etiquette. Telling my INxJ that sometimes, when he (boss) talks to him, he can see the INxJ's eyes gloss over (i.e., he's tuned you out), or hunched eyebrows (he's irked), and the boss knows that he's been rambling and not getting to the point causing that response in INxJ...hence, the helpful criticism - that the INxJ has to learn to be patient and more accomodating to how others may interact, or, speak, express their point. I laughed out loud when I heard that....

(to add: he won't say it, but, there is that little part of him, the little boy, that is quite proud at the achievement of a perfect score - as me going, NO WAY? Perfect? I don't believe it, show me! made him run to get the evaluation, handing it over going, "See how stupid it is...what do I do with such evaluation?" rolleyes. I did it more to show I'm proud of him, encourage him, without calling it out, outright, and he won't admit it, but he did appreciate that gesture )

However, he also could care less about promotion, in terms of the title, the promotion is only relevant insofar as it gives him a pay raise and more responsibility (challenging work).

 

[MonkeyGrass]

They like the other pretending (warning sign) to lose even less than they like losing. You will lose their respect and they will become more suspicious of you.



Supportive way = opening them up to new ways of looking at things, thinking about things, i.e., towards a greater insight, understanding. Towards positive growth - be it mental, physical, emotional, etc.

Do it through challenge means don't hand-hold them through it, but, allow them to come to the conclusions by the way you steer it, present the argument. I.e., challenge them to THINK.

Makes a lot of sense.

 

[King T]

Stolen from the SP thread...

Not the same as how to seduce! (I thought I'd clarify, since there's already a thread like that) You guys are so hard to read sometimes, it's tough to know when you're feeling good in a relationship. I'm genuinely curious and all ears. opcorn:

#Making me a nice dinner.
#Dressing me in the morning.
#Cuddling me when I need to be cuddled.
#Letting me enjoy time alone.
#Having a water fight.

That is about it.

 

[Erudur]

Could you give a hypothetical example of #3? I kind of have a vague idea what this might look like, but have a tough time imagining how one might do that without sounding patronizingly sweet...especially an "f" like me.

This can be done by appealing to logic and efficiency. But the challenge must incorporate logic and efficiency.

Personally, I understand that in a relationship the give and take will include many concessions that aren't logical or efficient or will necessitate great expenditure of social energy. In that case, it helps to just acknowledge, "I know X is going to be a pain fighting traffic and crowds, but it would really mean a lot to me if you joined me..." or some such thing.

What doesn't work is trying to convince me that some irrational and/or inefficient (taxing) request is rational or efficient or no big deal.

 

[Erudur]

I assume psychoanalyzing is out of the question? How taboo is that, really? On a scale from 1-"go to hell"?

I can handle that. But be prepared to defend your thesis.

 

[SubjectA]

Stolen from the SP thread...

Not the same as how to seduce! (I thought I'd clarify, since there's already a thread like that) You guys are so hard to read sometimes, it's tough to know when you're feeling good in a relationship. I'm genuinely curious and all ears. opcorn:

1) Listen to our ideas. I mean really listen. And let us know by offering input every now and again. Something besides "uh huh."

2) Plan something outside of the house, like a trip to the park or whatever. Make it just you and your INTJ. We bond the best in a one-on-one environment, not with fifty other people that we need to pay attention to. Take us on a date that will stimulate our intellect (museum, aquarium, etc...) and we'll love you forever.

3) Give us lots of breathing room. If we seem conflicted about something, give us a lot of alone time. If we need your input we'll ask for it, but otherwise there's just certain things we need to find out alone.

4) Have lots of self control and refrain from emotional outbursts.

5) Communicate in PLAIN ENGLISH. Don't sugar coat anything, don't say things and not mean them, don't speak in riddles. And keep in mind we communicate this way. Don't look for hidden meanings in our words.

6) Don't put us beneath you or belittle us. Treat us as capable individuals. We hate feeling inadequate. It might be so tempting to help, but more often than not we'll just assume that you think we're incompetent. We'll ask for help when we need it.

 

[ed111]

However, he also could care less about promotion, in terms of the title, the promotion is only relevant insofar as it gives him a pay raise and more responsibility (challenging work).

It's not about the job title, you are right about that. I wouldn't mind being called administrative assistant, as long as I assisted in administering the running of the entire company and was paid accordingly.

It is all about being able to actually execute the ideas of how to move the organisation forward, increase efficiency etc. etc.

Of course, being praised is always nice, and there isn't anyone that doesn't like it (although I do get embarassed by it). But it is not sufficient.

 

[chasingAJ]

I think Usehername hit the nail on the head with the comment about picking up on the subtle things that I say in a casual conversation. I wrote out a whole list of things he does but really, they all go back to this basic idea. He listens to me and he pays enough attention to understand what the underlying justifications/reasons are for what I prefer. He does really small things with that info that really matter to me.

Here are a couple of examples for the concrete thinkers...

He takes my daughter to school so that I can sleep late!

He is my "finder." I constantly misplace things and will turn the house upside down to find them NOW. He knows me well enough to know where I last had that book or those files.

He picked out an engagement ring that was EXACTLY what I would have picked out (lab created diamond for ethical reasons, platinum b/c I hate gold, Tiffany setting b/c I'm prefer a "classic" look) THEN he apologized for breaking tradition and told me about it to make sure it was exactly what I wanted "since you're going to be the one wearing it."


Stuff doesn't make me feel good. Sure, it's nice but most of the time it's not something I actually like. Just think of me and know me well enough to do something small but meaningful.

 

[umedari]

Maybe give them a safe gift?

 

[Wild horses]

I just love those INTJs sooo cute but oftentimes it's hard to make them feel special... they seem to be somewhat cynical about my affections... really bizzare... They are also quite good at putting up barriers in my experience; in some ways the miscommunication can be fun esp when you both know that underneath it all you're on the same page.. In my experience they really appreciate you taking their ideas and advice on board... The ones I have had dealings with like to help me and like me to accept that help.

 

[MonkeyGrass]

He is my "finder." I constantly misplace things and will turn the house upside down to find them NOW. He knows me well enough to know where I last had that book or those files.

I do that a lot...I'm the master of finding things, with near-magical location powers. He never knows where his things are, and I'm quite the wizard at it, if I do say so myself.