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Am I a 4 or a 5?


Mar 5, 2014
1) What holds you back in life? This can be an internal or external force. If that thing were gone, what would be different? What would you do?
Definitely my fear of incompetence, of not being able to perform well. It paralyzes me for fear of embarrassing myself. I rarely feel like I'm good enough to face challenges.

2) What do you deem as your purpose in life?
Being happy in my own skin, finding something that fulfills me, transforming a passion into professional occupation. Would love to have much more money and a much more full social life. Being proud of yourself is essential for complete self esteem and I wanna make my dreams reality.

3) Of the seven deadly sins, which one(s) do you relate to the most and the least and why?

Laziness, besides fear that's why I vacillate when it comes to taking action to actualize things in my life. I'm definitely a doing repressed type.

4)Describe your relationship with the following:
a) Anger
Lately I cant recall being angry in a long time. I used to mistype as an 8 as I spent many years being very easily angered and aggressive, but since then I realized I had anger issues instead of being an 8. But my natural tendency is letting my anger being known, I can't swallow it down.

b) Shame

Being embarrassed or humiliated is a big fear of mine, I went through it for many years as a victim of bullying in school and it traumatized me.

c) Fear

My biggest issue in life. I greatly identified with Elsa in Frozen because I feel like I have been hiding from the world my whole life.

d) Love/passion

I don't love easily or for free, I can count in one hand the people I've ever loved, but when I do is deep. I'm a passionate person, when I like something I become obsessed.

e) Conflict

I'm very assertive and pretty aggressive by nature so don't expect me to diffuse, I have zero tolerance for passive aggressiveness or childish pettiness. I wanna clear things up ASAP. When insulted if it matters i'll hit them thrice as hard, but if it's something or someone stupid I'll just ignore to piss them off more.

5) What are some of the themes that have played a prominent role in your life (ie. A struggle you've been unable to conquer, ect)?
Hiding from challenges because I feel lacking, desiring company and being a part of a group but not lifting a finger to make it happen, not knowing how to turn my passions into profit.

6) What drives you in life? What do you look for?
Truth.Beauty.Freedom.Passion. I value truth, I'll take it at any cost, better an ugly truth than a beautiful lie, ignorance isn't bliss is decadence. I value freedom, nothing else has nay meaning or value without it. I value beauty, not just visual but anything that makes you elevated, like you just experienced something that proves the existence of God. I value wisdom, we were given mental abilities so e can learn and knowledge is power, but true knowledge is understanding, not just information. I value honor, be someone worthy of respect, don't do lowly things.

7) What do you hope to avoid doing or being? What values are important to you?
I dislike super self centered people to the point where they become a nuisance to others, people who make empty promises, who are hypocrites and apply double standards, who never take responsibility or recognize mistakes, who love to talk badly about others or just won't shut up about other people's lives when I couldn't give a shit, who lie compulsively just to get attention etc.

8) How do you relate to obsession? Do you tend to "merge" with others or your interests? How do you feel about the idea of doing this?

9) How do you want others to see you? How do you see yourself?

I want to be seen as exceptional, fascinating and admirable. I see myself as very insecure and lazy.

10) What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?

Best: Doing something I love or doing something really well in front of others. Worst: Having to dedicate a lot of time to things I dislike and doing something badly.

11) Describe how you respond to each of: a) stress; b) unexpected change; c) conflict.
When stressed I retreat to my oyster and I'm better left alone, as I can become obsessed with my problems and be aggressive.

12) Describe your orientation to: a) authority; b) power. How do you respond to these?

I respect authorities as I don't wanna deal with the consequences of not doing so. I like the feeling of having power because it means I have more freedom.

13) Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.

When I was 12 I told my mom I wanted to be a singer and she was adamantly against it saying it was too tough for me. For whatever reason that I could never understand I think I believed her, because I gave up on my dream. I never pursued it while still harboring fantasies of fame and glory
and vicariously living through celebrities.

14) Comment on your relationship with trust.
The only person I trust is my mother, a person has to prove themselves trustable over a long period of time, is not something I give people the benefit of for free.

15) List some of the traits you: a) like; b) dislike most about yourself.
I'm pretty smart and shrewd, it's extremely hard for something to get past me and fool me or catch me off guard without me clocking it miles ahead. I'm very direct and won't sugarcoat things thought in the recent years I have learned to deliver with more tact and care. I'm pragmatic in that I'm realistic and will always call a spade a spade and recognize that what I want and what is possible or more advantageous are many time very different things. I'm very ethical and take a hard line approach when it comes to the principles I believe are nonnegotiable.

I dislike being a coward and running away from challenges and not having the drive to succeed while still desiring it so much. I'm very inconsistent in my efforts when it comes to taking care of the house or my well being, I can't sustain a diet, exercise routine or house chores productivity schedule for long. I get distracted very easily by things that seem interesting and waste a lot of time jumping from video to video or article to article, my mind is very restless and needs fun most of the time. I used to be too cutting with people and I still am very impatient which at times makes me rude. I have a need to be good at things from the start that has stopped me from even trying some things or putting myself out there with others.

16) Would you ever be interested in starting a business? Why or why not? What role would you play in it? What kind of business would it be?

No I'm not interested in that at all, don't see the appeal,not enough time or focus on me.

17) How do you dress or manage your appearance?
I'm very into studying body typing systems, personal essence and color analysis, so I care about working with hat I have and enhancing my strongest points. As Epictetus said "Know first who you are and then adorn yourself accordingly".

18) In what situations or times in your life did you feel most fulfilled, and why?
When I'm doing something really well specially if there's an audience or when I'm just completely carefree enjoying myself.

19) How do you feel about attention? Do you seek it out?

Love it but don't seek it out most of the time, I think is cringe and embarrassing. Besides it only feeds my vanity if it's natural.

20) What is something you regret?

Saying no to many opportunities because I didn't think myself capable and was terrified of failing.

21) What are your spiritual or religious beliefs and why do you hold them?
Religion is a tool for control and self delusion, I am spiritual instead.I believe in many things because they are proven or at lest heavily supported by my on experiences, those of other people and because they explain common phenomena.

22) What were you like as a child? How have you changed since then?
Super curious, asked many questions, a physical explorer, athletic and loved to perform in public and was very perfectionist about it, very active imagination that was triggered by my surroundings (nature), very social, loud and a bit bossy, talked a lot very fast, didn't know how to walk just run, polite and generally obedient, very attached to my dolls and characters in cartoons, very willful and would freely demonstrate displeasure, really worried about being 'bad', kinda Hermione Granger-like (wanted to be the best or at lest great at school and pressured myself to meet standards) emotions that oscillated between being intensely felt or a detachment from them as if it s happening to someone else, sometimes felt deep melancholy and loneliness (as bullied on and off for many years) that wouldn't express but were mirrored by certain songs lyrics. After 7 years of bullying I became very insecure, closed off, anxious and limbic for years. As an adult still working on healing I'm reserved, way less active, hate melancholy. Apart from that, I'm still the same: a weird mixture of hedonistic info junkie and controlling competence focus.

23) How do you dress or manage your appearance?
I'm very into studying body typing systems, personal essence and color analysis, so I care about working with hat I have and enhancing my strongest points. As Epictetus said "Know first who you are and then adorn yourself accordingly".