[NT] Soliciting small talk advice from other NTs

[proteanmix]

Let me just say, this is one of the funniest thread title's I've ever read.
I despise small talk and refuse to indulge in it in a active manner, but if people try to talk to me I let them--for a time. I find nodding works, and a wry grin--as long as it dosen't look maniacal. So this instead of this .

Does posting in this thread count as small talk, if it does I think i'm going to have to go have a shower now.

OK, I'm seriously not understanding. Why is small talk conceptually something so difficult for NTs to wrap their heads around? I've seen this kind of thread far too often and it boggles my mind. Would you prefer to walk up to people and automatically start talking about, I don't know, science, math, philosophy, whatever, or would you rather not talk at all?

I understand that you all may have difficulty finding common subjects of interest, but the outright disdain for it is baffling. No one takes it as seriously as you all do. As Geoff and Rivercrow said, it's purpose is to ease social interaction. If you want more than small talk then find a group that you don't have to engage in it. But judging by the amount of chatter I see on here and INTPc, it's something yall heartily like to engage in also. Extrapolate!

 

[rivercrow]

OK, I'm seriously not understanding. Why is small talk conceptually something so difficult for NTs to wrap their heads around? I've seen this kind of thread far too often and it boggles my mind. Would you prefer to walk up to people and automatically start talking about, I don't know, science, math, philosophy, whatever, or would you rather not talk at all?

I understand that you all may have difficulty finding common subjects of interest, but the outright disdain for it is baffling. No one takes it as seriously as you all do. As Geoff and Rivercrow said, it's purpose is to ease social interaction. If you want more than small talk then find a group that you don't have to engage in it. But judging by the amount of chatter I see on here and INTPc, it's something yall heartily like to engage in also. Extrapolate!

When NTs meet, they connect, and there is no or very little small talk. I have carried on lengthly conversations with other NTs about "big" subjects without ever getting into the "Hi, how are you? I'm blah from blahblah corp, am married and have 2.5 kids" build-up. We just go right for the main event.

Now, if I don't have anything to say, my inclination is to not say anything. Or, if I am off in my inner world, I literally forget about the outside world. Either way, if I run into you in passing, my first impulse will be to 1) not say anything or 2) I may not even notice you are there. Neither of those are meant as slights--it's just a thing.

If I have an inner thread going and I stop to natter, I may lose that thread. It might take me a while to find it again. That's frustrating. I've only come to understand the need for small talk the last few years. I've also gotten better at suspending inner threads so I can engage with people.

Your other comment--"But judging by the amount of chatter I see on here and INTPc, it's something yall heartily like to engage in also"--is something that I think is related to age, situation, and venue. I have a theory that younger NTs have a harder time with fluff and small talk than do older NTs. I'm always interested in the age of people who worry the small talk issue. So far, my hypothesis is right.

Keep in mind too that many of us are introverts. Online chatter seems much easier for introverts to deal with than verbal chatter. We can choose when and how to engage. Many of us are much more comfortable with written communication.

Make sense?

 

[Natrushka]

It comes down to the energy expended when engaging others (for me). Engaging people that I know I have nothing in common with - I am thinking of my coworkers right now, feels like a waste of energy. I know rationally that sounds egotistical. My time is my time, I have things that I have to do with it like be productive at work, keep my home clean, make sure the cats are fed and watered, etc. That little time I have left that's truly mine to do with as I choose is precious. Spending it making small talk with people I don't much like is a waste of that time.

I realize small talk is part of the grease that makes the office go 'round so I do it now, I see that it can be useful (to me). I've met and chatted with my neighbours. I don't like it, and if I had my way I wouldnt do it. I feel like I'm acting when I do it. Like I'm being fake. And I detest that, too.

And rivercrow, I do think age plays a factor. I know I've mellowed with age. Scary when I think of how anti social I can be that this is an improvement.

 

[Totenkindly]

Engaging people that I know I have nothing in common with - I am thinking of my coworkers right now, feels like a waste of energy. I know rationally that sounds egotistical. My time is my time, I have things that I have to do with it like be productive at work, keep my home clean, make sure the cats are fed and watered, etc. That little time I have left that's truly mine to do with as I choose is precious. Spending it making small talk with people I don't much like is a waste of that time.

I think that is a very valid point. The whole thing is rather much of a trade-off, and the best thing we can do is be aware of the probable results of our choices, and then choose the option we are best able to live with.

I've met and chatted with my neighbours. I don't like it, and if I had my way I wouldnt do it. I feel like I'm acting when I do it. Like I'm being fake. And I detest that, too.

That sort of thing always seems to muck about with NTs' heads. We hate being fake and it impacts our ability to relate. (I think I just told someone else about how hard is it to try to change my moods once I get in them, because it feels like a lack of integrity to me -- like I am being fake. It doesn't mean I shouldn't try sometimes, but I still have to accept that often I feel false if I try.)

And rivercrow, I do think age plays a factor. I know I've mellowed with age. Scary when I think of how anti social I can be that this is an improvement.

Well, you seem to be doing fine right now. Then again, this isn't "inter-office small talk" and you are with some like minds, so that makes a great deal of difference, I think. I've noticed the age thing too. Part of it is that over the years we just get some experience and develop some confidence/proficiency in our abilities, which helps a great deal.

 

[Mycroft]

Would you prefer to walk up to people and automatically start talking about, I don't know, science, math, philosophy, whatever...?

Frankly yes.

 

[Usehername]

lol I didn't read the name before I read the quote (proteanmix); my first thought was...


"well... that's certainly not an NT talking in this thread!"

lol. I totally would rather dive into the deep end. Actually, I have done that. You hvae to be careful with whom you do it, though, b/c some people get really weirded out.

 

[Usehername]

OK, I'm seriously not understanding. Why is small talk conceptually something so difficult for NTs to wrap their heads around? I've seen this kind of thread far too often and it boggles my mind. Would you prefer to walk up to people and automatically start talking about, I don't know, science, math, philosophy, whatever, or would you rather not talk at all?

I understand that you all may have difficulty finding common subjects of interest, but the outright disdain for it is baffling. No one takes it as seriously as you all do. As Geoff and Rivercrow said, it's purpose is to ease social interaction. If you want more than small talk then find a group that you don't have to engage in it. But judging by the amount of chatter I see on here and INTPc, it's something yall heartily like to engage in also. Extrapolate!

Oou. I wonder what you think about NT's flirting habits! (I wonder what NT's flirting habits are! I've been on another forum and discussed INTJ flirting...) time for a new thread!

 

[Natrushka]

Well, you seem to be doing fine right now. Then again, this isn't "inter-office small talk" and you are with some like minds, so that makes a great deal of difference, I think. I've noticed the age thing too. Part of it is that over the years we just get some experience and develop some confidence/proficiency in our abilities, which helps a great deal.

Online is so different from 'small talk'. You're in control, you decide if you engage or not. You can back out at any time. Hell, I backed out of three posts here this morning!

Re NT flirting. Based on past personal experience, it's witty, direct and only works on people who get the wit. Otherwise it turns into something less nice

 

[BlackMita]

At the times I manage to jump the fence of shyness and indifference, I make small talk by “mind talking” which is basically saying whatever comes to mind, without trying to revise it too much beforehand. The only danger I’ve had in doing this is its less effective when your not comfortable, and you might say something too inappropriate around people who aren’t quite friends yet. For me, it was largely about reciting jokes of a skit nature amongst friends; it gets people to jump in and add to it as well.

But I’ll always prefer written (online) communication. That extra time to structure your words and the normalcy for the person you’re talking to wait for your response (without transcending awkward silence) is the perfect environment.

 

[Totenkindly]

Online is so different from 'small talk'. You're in control, you decide if you engage or not. You can back out at any time. Hell, I backed out of three posts here this morning!

Yes, you're right about that -- there's a lot more control online, and you don't even have to worry about body language or "real time" responses, which really takes off the pressure.

Still, it's a nice intermediate start / practice ground.

 

[Natrushka]

Unfortunately you can be woefully misunderstood online <voice of experience> It doesn't help when you dislike using smilies.

 

[substitute]

Short story short, I presently find myself in a job position where I am approached with small talk on a reasonably regular basis. I don't want these people to think that I dislike them or that I'm (here it comes) an arrogant prick, but I feel so ridiculously insincere when I try to participate in small talk. Does anybody have some Small Talk Coping Techniques they'd be willing to share?

I'm a master at it, mate; I think of all NT's my type has the advantage here. You know what the real secret at being really good at it is? It's NOT faking it. If you don't like being insincere, then don't be. Say what you really think. Listen to what the person says and give an honest reply, but lace it well with tact. If possible, enjoy yourself with it by quickly searching your memory banks for anything in your knowledge or experience that tallies with what they've said, and make a humorous connection - one after another until they don't even know what they're talking about any more or how they got there, but they're laughing. Make the smalltalk not small any more when you're in the room, cos people actually enjoy it, because you do, and you refuse not to.

Also, think of it as a way to sound out what people's general personas are like - what they think of this or that, what their sense of humour is like, to get a general sense of who they are and how they think, in an innocuous context. This way, if it happens that you do, one day, need to talk to them more seriously, you'll have an advantage.

 

[Totenkindly]

Unfortunately you can be woefully misunderstood online <voice of experience> It doesn't help when you dislike using smilies.

To be honest, that's why I use them -- sometimes to be silly, and other times to clarify the intention behind my comment for lack of body language. Necessary evil, I guess.

 

[bluebell]

Short story short, I presently find myself in a job position where I am approached with small talk on a reasonably regular basis. I don't want these people to think that I dislike them or that I'm (here it comes) an arrogant prick, but I feel so ridiculously insincere when I try to participate in small talk. Does anybody have some Small Talk Coping Techniques they'd be willing to share?

Yeah. I watched what other people did because it was a mystery to me how other people could start a conversation. I'm quite introverted so I prefer if the other person does most of the talking. So I ask lots of questions . It was very stilted to start with but now it's more automatic and natural because I've made myself do it many times per day at work over the past few years.

On Mondays I ask 'How was your weekend? Did you do anything exciting?'

On Fridays I ask 'What are your plans for the weekend?'

Days in the middle of the week were a bit troublesome for a while until I came up with 'How's your week going?' or 'How's your day been going?'.

Also, if I'm meeting someone for the first time at work, I like to ask which team they're working for, who's their boss, what their project is (I like these questions because the answers add to my mental model of the organisation where I work).

I originally made myself do this to get over social anxiety. Now it's become quite natural. And an added bonus is it's turned me into an above-average networker, despite my natural tendencies to be introverted and socially inept.