[ISTJ] ISTJ & 'miss you'

[2XtremeENFP]

OK OK OK, I know I ask a lot of ISTJ questions, it's mainly cause I start to overanalyze his words SO MUCH, and that's why I need you guys to help keep me rational

So.. quick question, easy to answer probably...

ISTJ boyfriend is on vacation, has been gone for a few days, we've texted maybe 5 consecutive messages a day, so no major communication. He said that he would call every night, but has yet to do so, but that doesn't bother me because I know he's probably busy...

Here's the issue, after about 3 days, he called me before he went to bed, which is the first time we spoke on the phone since he left. We get to talking and started playing around and I teased him about how he hasn't called me until after 3. He started getting defensive, and to justify his actions he said, "Sorry I didn't call you, I mean, haven't you ever been on vacation where you are just having so much fun that you don't miss me?"

My response was, "No... no matter how much fun I am having, I miss you and think about you"

He still stuck by his answer...

I am trying not to take offense, but it's not working so well.

So.. ISTJs, can you go on vacation and have 'so much fun' that you don't miss/forget about your love interest?

Did he REALLY mean what he said? I mean, I am looking at a deeper meaning, but the deeper meaning is just what he said... he doesn't miss me.

When I do asked him to clarify, I think he thinks I am trying to trap him so he says what I want to hear...

 

[Gerbah]

Gosh, to be honest, I would be really offended if my SO said that. It's very insensitive. If I were you, I wouldn't pretend it doesn't hurt. I would just say to him, that's not a very nice thing to say, how do you think that makes the other person feel? Or do you not care?

I also don't think it's very meaningful in this case to try to explain it by his preferred cognitive functions. It's just insensitive and thoughtless.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

Yeah it does hurt. And I know that I have very strong Fi so i kinda needed to let myself figure out how I felt about it before I could really confront him. I suppose uncoils day what you said ("that's not nice to say, how do you think that makes me feel") but honestly, thinking it and not saying it out loud is just as bad. He tells me he loves me yet he feels these things when he's gone from me... I mean, geez, does he know what love is?

 

[Moiety]

Yeah it does hurt. And I know that I have very strong Fi so i kinda needed to let myself figure out how I felt about it before I could really confront him. I suppose uncoils day what you said ("that's not nice to say, how do you think that makes me feel") but honestly, thinking it and not saying it out loud is just as bad. He tells me he loves me yet he feels these things when he's gone from me... I mean, geez, does he know what love is?

They don't call them robots for nuffin...

 

[Lady_X]

hmm...mixed feelings on this. i'm not sure i mind if someone is having fun on their vacation and isn't sad because they miss me. i mean...i'd be glad to know they were having fun but yeah i think i'd prefer them to wish i was there.

still it wasn't a very nice thing to say and could've been worded differently.

 

[miss fortune]

mine once called me from a hot tub on an all inclusive vacation to announce that he totally wished I was there because I was so much better than any of the girls in the entire resort town

I took that as an "I miss you"... especially since we weren't even officially dating yet!

It depends on the ISTJ really, but I doubt that wild horses could drag an actual "I miss you" from mine

 

[jenocyde]

Maybe your temperaments are just not well matched?

He was honest and you want him to apologize and pretend he didn't mean it? Would it make you feel better to hear the words, even if they aren't truthful?

I love my bf dearly but for me, out of sight is out of mind, for the most part. While I'm doing stuff, I'm doing stuff. When my brain has a minute to relax, he'll creep into my consciousness at some point and that's when he'll get a phone call from me.

And actually, he usually doesn't even notice that I've gone until I've called him.

I don't think anything is wrong with your guy, he's just built that way. If you try to pressure him to be exactly what you want him to be, you may end up driving him away. When I'm on vacation, I'm on vacation from everything - s.o. included. Yes, you can love someone and still need a break from that person.

And another question: why didn't you just call him if you missed him so much?

EDIT: and why doesn't the texting count? With 5 messages per day, he probably didn't even have a chance to miss you.

 

[2XtremeENFP]

He was honest and you want him to apologize and pretend he didn't mean it? Would it make you feel better to hear the words, even if they aren't truthful?

...No, that is what I said in my previous point. I don't want him to apologize for how he feels, or 'take it back'. If he still thinks it inside and just doesn't say it out loud, that's just as bad to me. I'm an ENFP, hearing the words and knowing the motive doesn't match up is very, very obvious to me. My dilemma is trying to understand if most ISTJs like to block out their S.O. and are able to not long for someone while they are away--and do they purposefully do this..?

I don't think anything is wrong with your guy, he's just built that way. If you try to pressure him to be exactly what you want him to be, you may end up driving him away. When I'm on vacation, I'm on vacation from everything - s.o. included. Yes, you can love someone and still need a break from that person.

I understand the needing a break from someone, but this wasn't like "Hey, I love you, but we've been hanging out a lot, and I need some alone time". I get that, he's an I, i'm an E, makes sense... but what he said to me was basically, Hey yeah im calling cause i havent called because im having so so so much fun and couldnt take 5 minutes out of my day to say hi what's up.

And another question: why didn't you just call him if you missed him so much?

This isn't about me missing him, and I knew that he was going to have things planned (he's with his family, and his parents and siblings are ALL ISTJs (!), so I knew it'd be one planned activity after another, so it makes more sense for him to call. I guess this is about His Fun vs. His Girlfriend, and so far, Fun is winning. (Fun > Girlfriend, if you will).

EDIT: and why doesn't the texting count? With 5 messages per day, he probably didn't even have a chance to miss you.

I did appreciate the texts that he sent me, because he's not a big texter, but after hearing those words come out of my mouth, I just saw his texting as a big "societal norm"/Robotic guesture -- (robot voice) I should text my girlfriend and say I love you and Miss You because that is what I am suppose to do.

So he does it, and then later on says how he truly feels -- contradictory, don't you think?

 

[raz]

I'd say things like, "I miss you so much" or "I wish you were here with me."

What's wrong with what he said? If it's the truth and he was THAT wrapped up in what he was doing, what does it matter? I'd be more concerned about the lack of voice communication, period. I'd stop taking what he said as hints and look at his actions. Actions speak louder. He didn't CALL for....3 days? Seriously, that's a big WTF.

But, then look at it the other way. He said before the vacation that he'd call every night. He doesn't. You then confront him about it and he gives a truthful reason. He covered himself and now you know why. Respect his need for independence. As long as you trust his word, remember that relationship != ownership. How long have you been together anyway?

 

[Gerbah]

Yeah it does hurt. And I know that I have very strong Fi so i kinda needed to let myself figure out how I felt about it before I could really confront him. I suppose uncoils day what you said ("that's not nice to say, how do you think that makes me feel") but honestly, thinking it and not saying it out loud is just as bad. He tells me he loves me yet he feels these things when he's gone from me... I mean, geez, does he know what love is?

I guess it depends on how he meant it. In my relationship (with an ENTP) there have been times when he was so blunt and literal I took it really badly because I just couldn't imagine how anyone could say that. After getting to know him better though and becoming more secure in our relationship, I understood how he could say things like that AND still love me. A big part though was that he was also very sorry for hurting me and has learned to adjust how he expresses things. Maybe that's all it is with your ISTJ. I would just talk to him about it until you're satisfied and have peace with the issue.

 

[Virtual ghost]

OK OK OK, I know I ask a lot of ISTJ questions, it's mainly cause I start to overanalyze his words SO MUCH, and that's why I need you guys to help keep me rational

So.. quick question, easy to answer probably...

ISTJ boyfriend is on vacation, has been gone for a few days, we've texted maybe 5 consecutive messages a day, so no major communication. He said that he would call every night, but has yet to do so, but that doesn't bother me because I know he's probably busy...

Here's the issue, after about 3 days, he called me before he went to bed, which is the first time we spoke on the phone since he left. We get to talking and started playing around and I teased him about how he hasn't called me until after 3. He started getting defensive, and to justify his actions he said, "Sorry I didn't call you, I mean, haven't you ever been on vacation where you are just having so much fun that you don't miss me?"

My response was, "No... no matter how much fun I am having, I miss you and think about you"

He still stuck by his answer...

I am trying not to take offense, but it's not working so well.

So.. ISTJs, can you go on vacation and have 'so much fun' that you don't miss/forget about your love interest?

Did he REALLY mean what he said? I mean, I am looking at a deeper meaning, but the deeper meaning is just what he said... he doesn't miss me.

When I do asked him to clarify, I think he thinks I am trying to trap him so he says what I want to hear...

I think that you probably should not worry about this if you two have a fairly stabile relationship. I know myself well enough that I can say that I am perfectly capbable of saying something like this.
One of the reasons why I look so calculated all the time is because I am calculating and trying not to say something like this. IxTJ are probably the last people that are in contact with people's feelings so don't take this too personally.

 

[raz]

I guess it depends on how he meant it. In my relationship (with an ENTP) there have been times when he was so blunt and literal I took it really badly because I just couldn't imagine how anyone could say that. After getting to know him better though and becoming more secure in our relationship, I understood how he could say things like that AND still love me. A big part though was that he was also very sorry for hurting me and has learned to adjust how he expresses things. Maybe that's all it is with your ISTJ. I would just talk to him about it until you're satisfied and have peace with the issue.

If it's any consolation, I got in trouble at work yesterday for being too blunt with coworkers and customers. They said I should think more before I speak, and try to be more considerate. I have an ISFJ and INFJ trying to teach me how to be nice. Good thing they're both hot.

 

[jenocyde]

My dilemma is trying to understand if most ISTJs like to block out their S.O. and are able to not long for someone while they are away--and do they purposefully do this..?

I don't think it's on purpose, and I don't think he's blocking you out. Just because something isn't positive doesn't make it negative. it could just be neutral. He got busy and you weren't on the forefront of his mind. You just have to accept that. There is no person you will ever be with who can honestly say that you are on his mind every second of the day. Or even once per day, every single day.

I understand the needing a break from someone, but this wasn't like "Hey, I love you, but we've been hanging out a lot, and I need some alone time". I get that, he's an I, i'm an E, makes sense... but what he said to me was basically, Hey yeah im calling cause i havent called because im having so so so much fun and couldnt take 5 minutes out of my day to say hi what's up.

No, that's not what he's basically saying at all. What he's basically saying is what he said. You are reading way too much into this.

This isn't about me missing him, and I knew that he was going to have things planned (he's with his family, and his parents and siblings are ALL ISTJs (!), so I knew it'd be one planned activity after another, so it makes more sense for him to call. I guess this is about His Fun vs. His Girlfriend, and so far, Fun is winning. (Fun > Girlfriend, if you will).

Exactly. It's his vacation with his family and fun *should* be winning in this instance. It would be very difficult for me to be with someone who always wanted more more more all the time and couldn't relax enough in our relationship to be separated for a few days.

I did appreciate the texts that he sent me, because he's not a big texter, but after hearing those words come out of my mouth, I just saw his texting as a big "societal norm"/Robotic guesture -- (robot voice) I should text my girlfriend and say I love you and Miss You because that is what I am suppose to do.

Ok, I'm going to mess with your head for just a second... In one way, did you think he may have said it to get under your skin? You said you "teased" him that he didn't call for 3 days. I can always tell when an ENFP is complaining under the guise of a joke, and it really really annoys me when someone doesn't speak to me plainly, so sometimes I'll jab back "innocently". I'm not suggesting that's what he's doing but I'm just putting it out there. You might speak with agenda and hidden meaning and therefore look for it in his words - it may just not be there at all. So if you keep looking for hidden meaning, he may be giving you something to work with, out of spite.

I'm not sure ISTJs would think that way, but I would.

EDIT: and I'll probably come clean once I see that you've suffered enough.

But, then look at it the other way. He said before the vacation that he'd call every night. He doesn't. You then confront him about it and he gives a truthful reason. He covered himself and now you know why. Respect his need for independence. As long as you trust his word, remember that relationship != ownership. How long have you been together anyway?

Yeah. When I say I'm going to call someone, I take a text message as fulfilling my duty. It's not the end of the world and I'm still coming home to you.

I guess it depends on how he meant it. In my relationship (with an ENTP) there have been times when he was so blunt and literal I took it really badly because I just couldn't imagine how anyone could say that. After getting to know him better though and becoming more secure in our relationship, I understood how he could say things like that AND still love me.

I think I make my INTP flinch at least once per day.

If it's any consolation, I got in trouble at work yesterday for being too blunt with coworkers and customers. They said I should think more before I speak, and try to be more considerate.

Awww, you poor thing. I can identify.

 

[Amphion]

Fuck that guy. You deserve better than that.

 

[garbage]

He probably means "... that you don't miss me" as something like "... that you didn't need me in order to have a good time".

In a situation where you're off without your partner, "missing" them might imply that you're not happy or whole without them--that they are, indeed, a missing piece.

Everyone needs "me time". I mean, I'd want my partner to not be dependent on me to have a good time on their vacation.

I'd just look and see if this is a pattern, or if it's a one-time miscommunication.


Breaking his promise to call you at night is inexcusable, though. He flaked on you there.

 

[Sam Spade]

So.. ISTJs, can you go on vacation and have 'so much fun' that you don't miss/forget about your love interest?

No.

 

[kiddykat]

So he does it, and then later on says how he truly feels -- contradictory, don't you think?

Yes.

IME, SJ guys tend to be pretty consistent. Just because an ISTJ is on vaca, doesn't mean he won't miss you. I had a short-term LDR with an ISTJ, who was very attentive- called when he said he would. He made every attempt to assure me that I can count on him on his word, and that he will be there. And he was pretty mushy/sentimental, to my surprise- but a very hard facts/emotionally distant kind of guy with others. We didn't work out, because of our differences in values/temperament.

I think you deserve better treatment, honestly. Down the line, would you find this behavior acceptable? Especially if you add children in the mix (hypothetically)? At least he was honest about his feelings.

 

[Donna Cecilia]

I don´t forget about my SO when I´m on vacation. In fact, at times, I wished he was there with me. Altough I value (because I need) my "just-me" time, I´ll keep my word if I promise him to phone everyday.

Still, I don´t want to draw any conclusion without knowing how long have you been together.

We are not good at expressing our feelings, so, try to find out if that answer was just a communicational mishap, or if it contained his true feelings.

Once you get the answer to that, you have to think whether or not you want this kind of treatment.

 

[Tallulah]

Agree with jeno. I don't think he's being unreasonable. I also don't think there needs to be a contest between fun and girlfriend.

 

[Randomnity]

it was somewhat insensitive of him to say it out loud, though only to certain personalities (others would prefer the truth). 5 text messages in a day is a TON of communication, especially for a busy vacation. I'm not surprised he wasn't missing you if his days were jam packed, and honestly I would be annoyed at someone getting annoyed at me for such a reason. It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, just that he doesn't need to think about you 24/7 to be happy, and he isn't miserable when he's away for you for a few days. which is good!

don't enfp that poor boy to death...this is why opposites may attract but aren't always ideal...