I am a very introspective person. I am a combination of chaos and order. I have high moral standards, but I see also that I fail spectacularly in fulfilling the moral ideals I have in my mind. That is where the chaos and order come into play. I strive for moral perfection, but I see how much I fall short. About my introspection, I can think to myself in a kind of dream-like state where I am disconnected from my body. Not so much in a disassociated way, but more so in a daydream sort of state. It’s not trauma that does this but has more to do with my preoccupation with thinking about things. I am always trying to get to the root of whatever it is I am thinking about. It is dream-like and intuitive.
Not that concrete. Some things I think are not that interesting, but probably worth mentioning in how the external world views me is that I can be a bit excentric. I always wear black. I listen to Christian Heavy Metal. I like spicy food. I am willing to experiment with different things to eat (to a point).
Another thing about me that I don’t like is that I see that I fail at keeping my priorities straight. I don’t have a job. I feel like I should have a job and I feel like I have failed as a person because I don’t have a job. At the same time, I have a severe and fairly rare mental illness called schizoaffective disorder which is why I am on disability for my condition. In 2007, I was hospitalized for psychosis. When I was in the hospital the doctors diagnosed me with the condition I have. My psychiatrist also says I have generalized anxiety disorder as well, but I think that is a misdiagnosis. I think I have more social anxiety than general anxiety about things. Though to be honest, I also have historically struggled with paranoia. But most of my paranoia is gone now. I think the reason for this is three-fold. First I am living on my own so am forced to care for my own affairs (even though I don’t do a good job of this). Secondly, I am more regular with my anti-psychotic shot that I get every two weeks. Also, I think writing has been a factor in my getting healthier mentally as writing has somewhat replaced how I “think inside my head” as I have said before.
My mother has said I am a very deep thinker (she types as ENFJ on tests). Others have said that the book I wrote is highly theological and philosophical as if I am diving headfirst rather than dipping in my toe. I like to explain my thought process. And my book has been a good avenue for me to do that. When I was first diagnosed, it was unthinkable that I would be able to live on my own, let alone write a book. I am thankful to God for that. The reason I wrote the book in the first place, however, is because of my faith. I had an experience on August 24, 2018, that changed my life forever. I met a prophet. He spoke to me as though he intimately knew me and I had never met him in my life. It was this experience that confirmed my faith (coming from atheism and then pantheism subsequently). The man told me of the kingdom of heaven in ways I had never heard before. He was wise. He was gentle. He was kind. He was long-suffering. I aspire to be like him a lot. But I am not like him. He is a good man. He confirmed my faith.
My faith is now the most important thing in my life. It was based on this experience that I started to look up theology and apologetics. Theology is important because I want to make sure I believe the right things about God and Christianity. Apologetics is important because I want to be able to give a defense of the faith to people who ask me or even in conversations I have with people (mostly online). In fact, I have even become something of the “resident pastor” at the apartment complex I live in. The reason for this is that I started a Bible study here. I did not really have to work hard to get the Bible study up and running. There was interest in doing it here already. But it would get brought up and then discarded several times. Then I just decided, “Well, if no one else is going to do anything about this, I might as well try and get something started myself.” The rest is history. We have been going for a bit longer than a year. We are working our way very slowly through the Gospel of John. We are only in John 12 after all this time.
All that to say Jesus Christ is the most important thing in my life. He comes through for me in many miraculous ways. My prayers are sometimes answered before I can ask them. I have seen many miraculous things since my faith was confirmed.
