[INTP] INTP's and relationships

[cafe]

Ah. He wants to feel secure, but he doesn't want to commit. Not how it works. He has to be a big boy and decide. I agree with Jennifer that you are doing exactly the right thing.

 

[g_vartan]

i'm in the same boat at the original poster, but OP is handling it WAY better than i have/did (background: i've been in this boat for 2 years now -- dated my INTP intensely 2 years ago, and started dating again 4 months ago).

i think for me, the biggest frustration is that even the most basic form of commitment, my INTP can't commit to -- he's already doing it (not seeing other people, aka, be exclusive), but when pressed - "are we exclusive?", he can't tell me that he won't in the future cause he's not ready...nor can he even tell me how he feels about me or where he sees things going.

perhaps intps are one of those kinds of folks, they'll commit to the person they are with when they're at a life stage when they feel ready to settle down, not when they meet the right person? or maybe i just got a 'bad' or permanently immature INTP (he's 31 y.o., btw)?

i think the intp excuse of "being scared" is a lame one. heck, as the other party, i'm *really* scared too but i don't let it prevent me from pursuing it (esp. when i feel that i'm falling for him, and i can sense he is as well for me through his subtle actions). i second cafe's comment. some of these guys need to be a 'big boy' and just man up....

 

[Spamtar]

This observation is often true :blushing:

...but cant we just party on? Whats the big deal with "labels" as long as we act in accordance?

 

[g_vartan]

This observation is often true :blushing:

...but cant we just party on? Whats the big deal with "labels" as long as we act in accordance?

"labels" matter to me because it shows that my intp cares. among the 'five love languages', i need 'words of affirmation' and he knows that and he still can't muster up the courage to do/say it. i sense 'analysis paralysis' going on...

For example, i've asked that if he can't official commit to me by telling me we are exclusive, can he at least be more verbally affectionate? -- and i'm not talking about grand expressions of affection, more like when I tell him "i miss you," to just reciprocate by saying "i miss you too."

i know for him its 'quality time' and 'physical touch' that's important -- and trust me, i've done my part there ... but why is it so hard to reciprocate and rise up to the occasion and provide what your partner needs? my intp would rather give up than try (even for a bit). the weird part is when we break, it is only AFTER then he becomes mushy -- telling me lots of sweet things. perhaps its just my situation....two people who are crazy about each other, yet can't seem to work out even the most simple issues

anyways, i don't want to take away the convo from the original op....

 

[A Schnitzel]

I've never been one to soften much, past a point. My soft moments are usually the "if you blink you'll miss it" type.

I'm not sure what advice to give. I only know how to control myself. I certainly don't know how to date myself.

It does sound like you women are being a little too accommodating with them.

 

[Risen]

INTP's and relationships

short-n-sweet

You're exactly right .

 

[King sns]

It does sound like you women are being a little too accommodating with them.

Hmm.. you think choosing to be friends is too accommodating?

 

[King sns]

You're exactly right .

Nah, I've found the opposite to be true. INTP relationships: Long, bitter and helpless.

 

[A Schnitzel]

Hmm.. you think choosing to be friends is too accommodating?

He probably wants more than friends but you talk about how he can't handle more. I would have pushed him to man up and if he didn't dump him. It sounds like you're in an awkward friendlationship.

 

[King sns]

He probably wants more than friends but you talk about how he can't handle more. I would have pushed him to man up and if he didn't dump him. It sounds like you're in an awkward friendlationship.

Yea. I am. I hate friendlationships.
Its hard to dump someone who has been your friend for a bit though. We're together all the time and stuff. And the friendship doesn't feel like its hurting me. Its the mushy gooshy stuff that irritates.

(I DID also tell him that if I feel like it later i'm not going to hesitate to start dating again. Its just that I happened to meet him at a time when I didn't care whether I was in a relationship or not, and was just being comfortalble with being single, so i'm not out actively seeking anyone else, so it makes us feel even MORE relationshippey. )

 

[King sns]

This observation is often true :blushing:

...but cant we just party on? Whats the big deal with "labels" as long as we act in accordance?

My question is, if you plan on following the label, then what's the big scary thing about throwing the label on??

Its like I told him.
A breakup is a breakup, whether there was a label or not.
I think a labelled breakup would be even easier.
We're going to go through the same emotions when things end, except if we weren't together, well then its just messier.
I don't get the big fright here.

 

[King sns]

i think the intp excuse of "being scared" is a lame one. heck, as the other party, i'm *really* scared too but i don't let it prevent me from pursuing it (esp. when i feel that i'm falling for him, and i can sense he is as well for me through his subtle actions). i second cafe's comment. some of these guys need to be a 'big boy' and just man up....

Yea. totally agreed. "Being scared" is a sorry excuse for any emotional set back. I can understand the feeling of being scared, but when you think about it, what's the big friggen deal? What a cop out.

and as non-feeler as this sounds, feelings pass. They take major major blows at times, but they still pass. There's no reason to be scared of them. They can't harm a strong person.

 

[cafe]

And they can commit if they want to. My husband had decided that he definitely wanted to get married at some point and that college was probably going to be his best chance to meet the kind of person he wanted, so he asked me to marry him a couple of months after we met and married me about six months later.

It's not that there was never any uncertainty or that he likes closure, but he is a fair and honorable person, so he wouldn't ask of me what he is not willing to give in return.

It's not like commitment isn't risky for both parties.

 

[Tallulah]

Yea. totally agreed. "Being scared" is a sorry excuse for any emotional set back. I can understand the feeling of being scared, but when you think about it, what's the big friggen deal? What a cop out.

and as non-feeler as this sounds, feelings pass. They take major major blows at times, but they still pass. There's no reason to be scared of them. They can't harm a strong person.

I can't speak for all INTPs, but I suspect it's something like this: We don't realize that it's scary for everyone. We think that "feelings" are something that other people have and are comfortable with, and can err on the side of assuming that if you're expressing it, it probably comes naturally to you, and is easy for you. We also assume that it's a language we don't speak very well--kind of like you're fluent in it, and we've learned to read enough individual words to make sure we don't get lost in a bad part of town, but we don't really speak it. We are also terrified of making big fools of ourselves. We're confident in being smart and knowing stuff about our area of expertise. It is a very rare INTP that feels like relationship things are his/her area of expertise. A lot of the time, an INTP (if they really like you) will make excuses until they feel safe. Then watch out, b/c then the gushy start comes out.

 

[King sns]

I can't speak for all INTPs, but I suspect it's something like this: We don't realize that it's scary for everyone. We think that "feelings" are something that other people have and are comfortable with, and can err on the side of assuming that if you're expressing it, it probably comes naturally to you, and is easy for you. We also assume that it's a language we don't speak very well--kind of like you're fluent in it, and we've learned to read enough individual words to make sure we don't get lost in a bad part of town, but we don't really speak it. We are also terrified of making big fools of ourselves. We're confident in being smart and knowing stuff about our area of expertise. It is a very rare INTP that feels like relationship things are his/her area of expertise. A lot of the time, an INTP (if they really like you) will make excuses until they feel safe. Then watch out, b/c then the gushy start comes out.

Yea, that totally sounds like him. Sometimes he'll say something like, "I would say something but i'm afraid it will sound creepy." or, "I'm so awkward, i'm sorry." (Which is awkward in itself and to an SFP its like ) Or "I'm afraid i'm too overbearing." Its like he's so aware that he has no idea how to handle this that he's constantly guaging how he's doing and pointing out how incompetent he is at it. The thing is, he's had relationships before.

Who were these girls? They were terrible at training people. Or he must have been EXTREMELY weird before this. Or maybe the girls he's dated were weird. Or something!!

I just don't get this.

I spose we're probably just being stereotypical of our types.

 

[Tallulah]

Yea, that totally sounds like him. Sometimes he'll say something like, "I would say something but i'm afraid it will sound creepy." or, "I'm so awkward, i'm sorry." (Which is awkward in itself and to an SFP its like ) Or "I'm afraid i'm too overbearing." Its like he's so aware that he has no idea how to handle this that he's constantly guaging how he's doing and pointing out how incompetent he is at it. The thing is, he's had relationships before.

Who were these girls? They were terrible at training people. Or he must have been EXTREMELY weird before this. Or maybe the girls he's dated were weird. Or something!!

I just don't get this.

I spose we're probably just being stereotypical of our types.

LOLOL! Probably all three. Or they just dealt with it until he was comfortable enough to relax and act like himself. He's used to being in his head, and this stuff is pulling him out of his head and making him hyper-aware of everything he does. And he's unsure of his ability to gauge what's normal and what's weird. INTPs do kind of need someone that's both socially skillful and very patient. We are weird.

 

[Lurker]

Wow! This thread really resonates with me.

Damn.

 

[Shimmy]

Yea, that totally sounds like him. Sometimes he'll say something like, "I would say something but i'm afraid it will sound creepy." or, "I'm so awkward, i'm sorry." (Which is awkward in itself and to an SFP its like ) Or "I'm afraid i'm too overbearing." Its like he's so aware that he has no idea how to handle this that he's constantly guaging how he's doing and pointing out how incompetent he is at it. The thing is, he's had relationships before.

Who were these girls? They were terrible at training people. Or he must have been EXTREMELY weird before this. Or maybe the girls he's dated were weird. Or something!!

I just don't get this.

I spose we're probably just being stereotypical of our types.

I sometimes say those things as well.

As for the training part of your post, we're about as trainable as cats. You can potty train us but that's about it.

 

[groovejet02]

It's not that there was never any uncertainty or that he likes closure, but he is a fair and honorable person, so he wouldn't ask of me what he is not willing to give in return.

This resonates with how I am when in love. Yes, I tend to analyse and over-analyse the relationship. And sometimes I don't feel so loving. But at the end of the day, I ask myself what do I want out of the relationship, how can I be better, where it's heading. I outline my commitments, my plans and worries of potential pitfall of the relationship and communicate them with my SO. And then I commit and give my all to the relationship. This is where the famous INTP loyalty comes in.

I suspect that INTPs who are fickle in relationships are the immature types.

 

[Risen]

Nah, I've found the opposite to be true. INTP relationships: Long, bitter and helpless.

Ouch, that's even worse X_X.

As far as clingyness goes and all the stuff you've mentioned, I've learned to consciously avoid going there as much as possible. Avoiding infatuation is the key. Nowadays I prefer things to be nice and balanced without the extreme high of infatuation that come tumbling down later on and really breed unhealthy relationships. And that's when you start coming across women who actually like that sort of behavior and are put off if you don't express it, so at the end of the day the INTP still loses .