Implicit Theories of Relationships

[Luminous]

From BBC - Future - The dark side of believing in true love

The Soul Mate scale

Answer the following questions on a scale of one to seven, where one is strongly disagree and seven is strongly agree.

1. Success in a romantic relationship is based mostly on whether the people are “right” for each other.

2. There is a person out there who is perfect (or close to perfect) for me.

3. In marriages, many people discover (vs. build) a deep intimate connection to their spouse.

4. It is extremely important that my spouse and I be passionately in love with each other after we are married.

5. I couldn't marry someone unless I was passionately in love with him or her.

6. There is no such thing as "Mr. Right" or "Ms. Right".

7. I expect my future husband or wife to be the most amazing person I have ever met.

8. People who are searching for a perfect match are wasting their time.

9. The reason most marriages fail is that people aren’t right for each other.

10. Bonds between people are usually there before you meet them.

Now for scoring. First add your answers for 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 9 and 10. For questions 6 and 8, you need to subtract each answer from the number 8 and use the new number as your answer for that question. For example, if you answered “6”, add a 2 to your total. Once you have your final total, divide by 10 to get your average for this scale.

The Work-it-out scale

Answer the following questions on a scale of one to seven, where one is strongly disagree and seven is strongly agree.

1. Success in a romantic relationship is based mostly on how much people try to make the relationship work.

2. In marriage, effort is more important than compatibility.

3. In a relationship, love grows (vs. love is found).

4. If people would just put in the effort, most marriages would work.

5. I could be happily married to most people, if they were reasonable.

6. The reason most marriages fail is that people don’t put in the effort.

7. How well you know someone depends on how long you have known him or her.

8. If I were to marry a random person, I would be satisfied.

9. Only over time can you really learn about your partner.

To find out your score, add together your answers and divide by 9.

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I got 3.9 on the Soul Mate scale and 3.5 on the Work-it-out scale.

 

[mgbradsh]

3.5 and 3.1

 

[Obfuscate]

in the order listed above: 1.3 and 5.777...

this isn't the sort of thing i needed a test to explain my stance to me for... you need an initial bond and when it is formed, you do everything you can to protect and nurture it... if both people do that, it will last... the trouble comes along because most people think of a relationship as an means to an end... and when the cost outweighs the benefit of filling whatever hole it is they have in themselves, they jump ship... i am not saying everyone is that way, but enough are that it is hard to have faith in another person... it is a dump before you are dumped sort of world... i think all of the best things in a relationship only come about when you stick around a little longer (presuming both parties are really trying)...


i didn't read the article, but if the poll things are from it, i probablly won't like it...

 

[Luminous]

i didn't read the article, but if the poll things are from it, i probablly won't like it...

On the contrary, I think.

Now you have your score, what should you look out for? When relationships are struggling, people who score highly on growth scales cope best. In fact, the presence of a problem to work through can improve the strength of the relationship; couples who score highly on growth scales actually report feeling better about their relationship after a conflict has been worked through. For these people, it might be necessary for small, fairly inconsequential, issues to arise in the relationship to keep the couple focused on working together. The more investments a couple make, the more committed they feel. They enjoy the challenge.

For these reasons, growth believers will overlook big differences in compatibility. For them, compatibility might become more aligned with time – and that is something that is worth being worked on.

The opposite is true for people with strong destiny beliefs, with some potentially toxic consequences.

Particularly in the early stages of a relationship the presence of an issue can precipitate a break-up, as the destiny believer realises that their “perfect” soulmate is fallible. The destiny believer may argue that their partner “never really understood me” or that a small fault is “evidence that we’re not really compatible.” This is the case even if the couple are relatively well matched, Franiuk has found.

Worse still, they may exit the relationship in a less-than-charitable manner. People who believe in true love are more likely to ‘ghost’ their ex-partners – avoiding contact until the other person gives up speaking to you. Perhaps because the ghoster does not feel it is worth the investment to try to maintain the relationship if the other person is not ideal for them and does not see the benefit in providing feedback. “They don’t see it as a negative thing to do,” says Gili Freedman, a psychologist at St Mary's College of Maryland, who studies social rejection. “Your score on the growth scale had less of an effect overall, although, if you scored highly for growth you were more likely to feel negative about ghosting.”

If they don’t break up over an issue – and still believe that they’ve found their true love – the destiny believer may simply overlook the issue altogether. “Destiny believers tend to be more forgiving of a partner and more likely to avoid a fight because they want to believe that this person is their soulmate,” says Franiuk. That could be positive for minor disagreements. “But if you’re avoiding big conflict you end up staying with someone who is not good for you.”

And the consequences can be extremely serious. Destiny believers who have been together for longer are more likely to overlook issues, fooling themselves into thinking they are a better match because of the amount of time they have been together.

“We found that the longer destiny theorists stayed in relationships with someone who is not the right person, the more they reported violence,” says Franiuk. “They downplay problematic relationships. They might give someone a longer chance than other people might. Some might see warning signs early and end the relationships, but there will be some who don’t believe they are in a relationship with the right person but for economic reasons they remain and their personality traits make them more forgiving, which puts them in dangerous situations.”

 

[Maou]

2.5 and 4.7

 

[Zhaylin]

2.6 and 5.4

 

[SD45T-2]

4.3
3.11111

 

[HoneyBlossom]

2.4 and 5.7

 

[Obfuscate]

On the contrary, I think.

i didn't say that because i thought it would disagree... i said it because of the subject matter and how it is usually handled...

 

[Morpeko]

I got 3.6 in the soul mate test and approximately 3.56 in the work it out test.

Both mindsets were weird to me. I can't imagine thinking someone out there is right for you no matter what, and I definitely cannot imagine being able to work out a relationship with just anybody if they were willing to put in the effort. I think compatibility and effort are both very necessary. But what do I know, this is someone who's never had a relationship.