[INFP] Im an INFP Male, and im always in the friend zone

[Venom]

This here by calls to meeting the sad fact that most INFP males and myself....are most of the time...stuck in the friendzone...


any advice, comments, help?

EDIT: this happens almost always with SJs but even when i meet an NF, im still just relegated to being Leelas Fry (futurama)...

EDIT2: if we could possibly hear some success stories here? ( i actually didnt create this thread with one particular girl in mind).or tips on how to not ever end up there in the first place? (usaully i get, be more direct, indicate more sexual interest earlier....but i dont want to be an ESTP!!!)

 

[Atomic Fiend]

Yeah, I have the same problem, and it's always akward when you decide you're sick of the friend zone and try to make a move.

That can end friendships.

I know.

 

[Venom]

Yeah, I have the same problem, and it's always akward when you decide you're sick of the friend zone and try to make a move.

That can end friendships.

I know.

exactly why its better to just never end up there in the first place! but what if your somewhere like a small college, where uve already met all the attractive females and have already been placed in the friend zone with all of them ....???

then what? lol

 

[Atomic Fiend]

LOL that sucks bro.

I don't know what to tell ya.

 

[Venom]

wait so does anybody have ANY advise? im not even looking for advice about getting out of the friendzone with one girl.... i need more like general advice and it seems that NF males have it pretty bad with the friend zone....

 

[Tallulah]

Hmm. I think it's kind of hard to know without knowing your personality. How do you generally behave around a girl?

I'm trying to think if I know any NF men. I seem to usually meet a ton of SP/SJ men, and a few NTs. I imagine I'd like an NF guy, though.

 

[Venom]

Hmm. I think it's kind of hard to know without knowing your personality. How do you generally behave around a girl?

I'm trying to think if I know any NF men. I seem to usually meet a ton of SP/SJ men, and a few NTs. I imagine I'd like an NF guy, though.

think, JD from scrubs...only...unlike JD, getting dates doesnt come as natural

 

[SillySapienne]

There is *nothing* you can do to avoid being "friend-zoned" by a girl you like who happens to just not be interested in you romantically/sexually.

Realize that *you* are the one who's pursuing girls who are, in turn, "rejecting" you.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, what is it about *you*, that attracts you to girls who don't find you attractive?

Perhaps you are a romantic masochist..

Perhaps you have intimacy issues and by pursuing, what is, essentially a "fantasy", you avoid ever having to confront the *realities* of love, in a real-life relationship context where imperfections, disappointments and difficulties are ultimately, and inevitably revealed. (It ain't all flowers and fireworks).

Or, perhaps you need to lower your standards a bit.

All of us have our "mating points" and it is futile to attempt to mate with someone who is, relatively speaking, out of your league.

Cheers,

-CC

 

[SquirrelTao]

Have you made moves and been rejected, or have you been waiting for cues/moves from the gals?

My husband was in my "friend zone". One day he pointblank asked me if I wanted to go out some time. When I just looked at him, he said, "You know, like on a date." And then it went from there. Later he said the only way he got enough courage was because he got mad. I guess he meant he was mad at himself for being afraid? I'm not sure, LOL.

 

[Venom]

There is *nothing* you can do to avoid being "friend-zoned" by a girl you like who happens to just not be interested in you romantically/sexually.

and i totally understand this...thats why this was more of a how can i avoid this in the future question... i didnt even create this with just one person in mind.

i realized long ago, that moving mountains is easier than getting out of the zone

Realize that *you* are the one who's pursuing girls who are, in turn, "rejecting" you.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, what is it about *you*, that attracts you to girls who don't find you attractive?

Perhaps you are a romantic masochist..

an INFP, a romantic? naaaawwww

not sure bout the masochist thing...i generally dont pursue girls that i feel are out of my league

Perhaps you have intimacy issues and by pursuing, what is, essentially a "fantasy", you avoid ever having to confront the *realities* of love, in a real-life relationship context where imperfections, disappointments and difficulties are ultimately, and inevitably revealed. (It ain't all flowers and fireworks).

i do have issues with confronting the reality. part of it is that im so old relative to these issues and behind in experience that im not sure i really know *how* to have a relationship...and therefore i just cultivate friendships with otherwise attractive girls.... did i really just...maybe answer my own question??

Or, perhaps you need to lower your standards a bit.

All of us have our "mating points" and it is futile to attempt to mate with someone who is, relatively speaking, out of your league.

im often hit on by girls that im not attracted too ...i feel that by definition though, if im not attracted to them, then how is that ever gonna work???

Cheers,

-CC

thanks so much! your response was along the lines of something i was looking for. im tired of the "stop being a ***Y" answers i get from people when i talk about the friend zone...

oh ur ENFP....i like ENFPs

 

[SillySapienne]

Have you made moves and been rejected, or have you been waiting for cues/moves from the gals?

My husband was in my "friend zone". One day he pointblank asked me if I wanted to go out some time. When I just looked at him, he said, "You know, like on a date." And then it went from there. Later he said the only way he got enough courage was because he got mad. I guess he meant he was mad at himself for being afraid? I'm not sure, LOL.

I think he is talking about another "friend zone" here.

Guys who are "friend-zoned" are those who have crushes on females, and have exhibited and or expressed, more or less, their romantic interest in them only to be told/find out that these females don't share their romantic feelings because they just "don't see them in that kind of way".

 

[Venom]

Have you made moves and been rejected, or have you been waiting for cues/moves from the gals?

My husband was in my "friend zone". One day he pointblank asked me if I wanted to go out some time. When I just looked at him, he said, "You know, like on a date." And then it went from there. Later he said the only way he got enough courage was because he got mad. I guess he meant he was mad at himself for being afraid? I'm not sure, LOL.

that would be me in a nutshell...would you mind me asking how old you guys were when that happened? ive never had that courage. now i have run the bases a couple of times....what i mean is that ive never had the courage with girls that i actaully like "LIKE". hard to explain i know...

ill often try n prep myself for that moment...to like ask about a date or make a move or wahtever. but by making it "a moment", then it puts too much pressure on myself and i freeze at the moment and just tell myself "ah let it go...just friends..."

im so neurotic . so ya many of my friendships with girls i like, i just wait and wait for some sort of cue...and i of course never get one... im guessing the only way to know is TO ASK, but without a cue i just feel like im shooting into the dark.

 

[Venom]

I think he is talking about another "friend zone" here.

Guys who are "friend-zoned" are those who have crushes on females, and have exhibited and or expressed, more or less, their romantic interest in them only to be told/find out that these females don't share their romantic feelings because they just "don't see them in that kind of way".

actaully this friend zone would be the one, where i havent really expressed that interest in any way other than, time spent, laughing, trying to get aninmated responses etc....i know itd be easy to just ask...but i just feel like i often get that sense of me just being a friend...

i kinda feel like, even though i never ask....i feel like i spend enough time to make it obvious enough that i might a cue or two??


edit: what do you think of my thoughts to ur post one page back?

 

[helen]

I don't think the friend zone is a bad place to be. I think it's very nice to be able to get to know someone as a friend before developing a romantic relationship.

As far as getting out of the friend zone goes, you could try to do something out of the ordinary that you wouldn't normally do for "just a friend" and that might get her thinking about you differently. It doesn't have to be major, and it doesn't have to be pushy. Nor do you have to turn into an ESTP. Sweet and old fashioned is good, in my book. Pick her some flowers, or tell her a sentimental song reminds you of her, or buy her some chocolate. She will know you are interested and will feel special, but such small gestures are unlikely to ruin a friendship, if that is what you are worried about.

Of course, it depends on the girl. Different people like to be pursued differently. I also believe it is important to find someone who likes to be pursued the way you like to pursue. So my suggestions may be utterly worthless, but maybe they will get you thinking in the right direction.

Best of luck to you!

 

[SillySapienne]

i realized long ago, that moving mountains is easier than getting out of the zone

Well then, why don't you just accept ultimate failure and defeat.

This is a self-defeating, self-fulfilling prophecy man, you are contributing to your own demise.

Stop that negative nonsense, silly!!!

an INFP, a romantic? naaaawwww

Lol, I'm a recovering romantic myself...

not sure bout the masochist thing...i generally dont pursue girls that i feel are out of my league

I am, (sure that you are being a masochist), are you an enneagram 4 by any chance?

I know I am, I believe we tend to be our own worst enemies.

And I apologize if I am projecting here.

i do have issues with confronting the reality. part of it is that im so old relative to these issues and behind in experience that im not sure i really know *how* to have a relationship...and therefore i just cultivate friendships with otherwise attractive girls.... did i really just...maybe answer my own question??

Lol, you just saved yourself thousands of dollars of what could have been countless hours spent in therapy sessions.

Nobody ever knows *how* to have a relationship, such knowledge comes about strictly, experientially.

Don't *think* about it, *be* about it.

And remember, your fear here is the ultimate source of your inexperience.

im often hit on by girls that im not attracted too ...i feel that by definition though, if im not attracted to them, then how is that ever gonna work???

Yup, you're a 4.



I think this more or less proves the fact that you are frightened of the prospect of actual intimacy.

Why weren't you attracted to them, if you don't mind my asking?

thanks so much! your response was along the lines of something i was looking for. im tired of the "stop being a ***Y" answers i get from people when i talk about the friend zone...

oh ur ENFP....i like ENFPs

No problem.

actaully this friend zone would be the one, where i havent really expressed that interest in any way other than, time spent, laughing, trying to get aninmated responses etc....i know itd be easy to just ask...but i just feel like i often get that sense of me just being a friend...

i kinda feel like, even though i never ask....i feel like i spend enough time to make it obvious enough that i might a cue or two??

No, you have implicitly shown your interest.

Unless these girls are *incredibly* shy, or incredibly socially clueless, they most likely know that you have romantic interest in them.

Reading this leads me to somehow believe that your fears are more sexually-based, from perhaps a lack of sexual experience.

How shy are you?

 

[Venom]

Yup, you're a 4.

wait what about being hit on by girls i dont like makes me a 4!!!! (like i would actaully know what that is )

Why weren't you attracted to them, if you don't mind my asking?

i often get a sense of shallowness when a girl of average looks hits on me....like if i dont really know her, shes only going by my looks...(when shes attractive i cant help but at least entertain the thought! how horribly SJ of me lol) ... second, if im not phsyically attracted to them, i will have no problem flirting with them, having fun etc....im not an asshole...but i just wont feel right about it.

No, you have implicitly shown your interest.

Unless these girls are *incredibly* shy, or incredibly socially clueless, they most likely know that you have romantic interest in them.

i agree, they have to know....and are not showing any interest back on purpose probably. (not that its of malicious purpose)

Reading this leads me to somehow believe that your fears are more sexually-based, from perhaps a lack of sexual experience.

How shy are you?

ive slept with three girls. im in college, never had a gf.

im definatly shy. there are those few individuals i just feel comfortable with...regardless of how long ive known them. often when in a group of say 5, ill only really be *there* with 2 of them.

im the shy guy that will talk your ear off...if that makes sense? there are those who i just am not comfortable with and i wont make a sound...then there are others who i just "feel comfortable with"... im shy with most people....but i have my silly switch sometimes...when im at my best, and most happy, im putting Ne first if that makes sense to you, (it should, you ENFP you ) and might even be characterized as outgoing! but when its all averaged out over a span of time... im a shy introvert.

 

[Tallulah]

Well, I think CC has really hit the nail on the head here, so I can't add much.

I would think that if you're like JD from Scrubs in personality, there would be lots of cool girls attracted to that! Myself included. It could just be that your fears are being projected outwards, like CC was saying.

It's true that you can't really make a girl that's friended you, unfriend you. Don't spin your wheels there. Work on your fears and attack the world anew. You seem like a really nice guy.

 

[tenINsFJ]

There is *nothing* you can do to avoid being "friend-zoned" by a girl you like who happens to just not be interested in you romantically/sexually.

Realize that *you* are the one who's pursuing girls who are, in turn, "rejecting" you.

There are plenty of fish in the sea, what is it about *you*, that attracts you to girls who don't find you attractive?

Perhaps you are a romantic masochist..

Perhaps you have intimacy issues and by pursuing, what is, essentially a "fantasy", you avoid ever having to confront the *realities* of love, in a real-life relationship context where imperfections, disappointments and difficulties are ultimately, and inevitably revealed. (It ain't all flowers and fireworks).


-CC

fellow infjs/infps she just said it all right there. thats just about as good as it gets. its hard and i don't do it, but that is what it takes.

all i can really say is to just be patient and wait because eventually you'll find the person even though it's difficult.

 

[Venom]

its hard and i don't do it, but that is what it takes.

theory is usaully easier than application...at least to me it is . its one thing to see why you do things wrong and how you do things wrong... its quite another to change the things you do in light of theses realizations.

 

[Venom]

I would think that if you're like JD from Scrubs in personality, there would be lots of cool girls attracted to that!

ok well, JD on my best day...more like Fry from futurama on my worst days lol