My husband is ENTJ and we've been married for 17 years so I have some personal insight into this. I think my husband would have preferred an ESFJ or something close to it. He is not at all a chauvinist (in that he doesn't care if the male does this and the female does that), he feels that since he earns the money that I must be an extremely competant "EVERYTHING ELSE" - his secretary, driver of children, cook, head housekeeper, gardener, writer of the Christmas cards, event planner, banker, etc.
I know that he likes intelligent women, but not agressive ones. He would definately have preferred someone who is an E-type because the E versus I issue is pretty big with us.
If he's like mine (and it sounds very similar) it's not that he's chauvinist, it's not even that he makes more money. It's that he doesn't want to do it and will find an excuse for you to have to do it.
I moved in with my husband six years ago. He was in his last year of law school, I was finishing my BS in behavioral neuroscience. I had strong feelings about equality in all things, division of labor, etc. He thought I should do more because "OMG I'M IN LAW SCHOOL AND IT'S SO HARD AND YOU ARE ONLY GETTING YOUR UNDERGRAD DEGREE OMG!" So fine, I did more/all. I thought when we started working it would change.
Then we both started working and it was OMG I WORK SO MUCH HARDER THAN YOU/I HAVE SO MUCH MORE STRESS THAN YOU YOU SHOULD DO EVERYTHING! And it was true. So I did, thinking someday if I were ever his equal (or went to law school) it would be different.
For various reasons unrelated to equality (namely, I didn't think I had the patience for psychology but wanted to seek social good) I did wind up in law school. I commuted
four hours/day to school because he didn't want to move/had a job. I usually got around 2-4 hours of sleep per night, working my ass off in school. I still had to do everything because OMG I MAKE MORE THAN YOU! The first year nothing got done--our house was probably a health hazard. The second and third years I had 2-3 days "off" / week to stay home, so that's why I had to do it all, even though I was taking 17 credit hours, working part time as a research assistant, and working 20 hours/week in a human rights legal clinic.
Then I graduated and started working.
And the reason I had to do it all? Because my area of law is "glorified social work" (poverty law) and he goes to trial more often. (Forget about hte fact that I WORK MANY MORE HOURS THAN HE DOES
AND I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN HE DOES!!
I put my foot down. :steam:
All I wanted was a housekeeper to come 1x/week for four hours. That's it. he said no because OMG SHE MIGHT ROB US BLIND. So I went on strike--cooking, cleaning, anything--for six months.
I worked more than he did. I brought in more money. He wasn't going to one-up me because he does 12 trials/year. I started a small business--which he hated--and worked all of my spare time getting it up and running because as public-interest lawyers with school loan payments of $2000/month, we will never afford a house. I was up until 1am working on my business, and then getting up again at 7 to go to work, daily, for months.
During that time he learned to clean really well, and has become proficient in the art of the microwave meal.
He's learned to grocery shop, he's started cleaning out the litter box (which is for HIS cats!), he's begun managing the finances.
My rule now is that I will clean as much as he does. If he wants the bathroom clean but leaves all his shit out, I'm not lifting a finger. If he cleans it, I will do my part to maintain it (wipe it down, etc.) but as soon as he starts leaving his stuff out or making a mess, he's on his own. He often cooks for both of us now, etc.
I don't think he would have necessarily preferred an ESFJ wife (I once told him he wanted a housekeeper wife, and if that was the case, he shouldn't have recommended law school! At the time I was pretty involved with the small business and didn't have much extra time for him, and he said, "I want a companion!")
We both struggle with anxiety/depression. We both think outside the box, dream big, etc. We are the very best of friends, and prefer each other's company to anyone else in the whole world. He's the only person I've ever met who doesn't drain me, and he has said the same about me on many occasions.
I think NTJs (or at least this INTJ) just doesn't like to have to do much S stuff--going outside of his head to have to clean, run errands, take care of basic stuff. I just don't give him much choice, and can be pretty loud about it.
