^ Sympathy hug
She is, without a doubt, an ESTJ with issues. Please, don't judge all ESTJs off of her
We aren't all so passive-aggressive, anal-retentive and bitchy! But I digress.
I'm trying.**sigh** And I know you aren't all like that. I haven't had great experiences, but I keep an open mind. I appreciate the
.
To answer your question from the beginning of the post: No, it's not just her. But it's also not ALL ESTJs. I'm guessing that male ESTJs wouldn't do that as much - I don't think I've ever heard the "You know what I'm talking about!!!" comment from a man. (Frankly, it pisses me off...)
Yea, I don't have that great of a time with STJs when they're in positions of command, or if they feel as though they should be. I'm sure it's not just her either. It's her+me.**double sigh**
ESTJs, as well as ISTJs, because of our strong Si, have a tendency to remember really small things from a long time ago and think that everyone else remembers them too.
So true.
Her being detailed oriented and me being a generalist creates many of the issues we have. Although, it's not that I don't remember the details so much as it is that I don't find them to be relevant once they're old and stale in my mind. I move on from things usually. I prefer to not keep tabs on people and what they have or haven't done, so often I actually forget a lot of the ugly things people have done to me until someone brings it up.
When we really get into arguments and I
do bring up old things that she's done to me(cause a friend or something has brought it to my attention), she pulls the "don't disrespect me" card. What frustrates me most about her is that she seems to have no sense of justice or fairness in relationships(and not just with me). I don't mind her remembering old things, but when she remembers, she only remembers her version and could careless about anyone else's. I feel as though very little of what I say is actually valid to her. Actually, I feel totally invalidated by her very often(told her this years ago). At this point, I don't need her validation(like I used to as a kid), but if we're going to have a healthy relationship, it's something I want. Do ESTJs find it difficult to validate or relate to how other's feel, even when they've explained it?
I'm guessing that you did something a really long time ago that she thinks that you remember, and she's really pissed off about it, still... and that it involved a dog. And now she's so upset that all rationality that she once had (because, considering her dominant Te, she SHOULD usually be a logical person) is completely gone.
Yes, I did do something a long time ago(10+ years). You bring up a very good point. This may have a lot to do with it all; although, her anger about it is
completely and entirely irrational imo.
Possible solution: Try to get her back to the logic realm, from the emotional realm. Be rational with her - show her that you can't do what she wants you to do unless she tells you. You can't read her mind, after all! For example: "Mom, I honestly don't know what you're referring to. And since I don't know, I can't possibly do what you want me to do. I'll gladly do what you want with the dog, if you tell me what it is that you want. So please, could you tell me again? I'm sorry I forgot." *insert i-am-your-sweetest-daughter smile here*
Essentially, this is exactly what I did as my blood boiled and my hair stood on end. She then hung up on me, which was kinda a relief because I was about to either implode or explode. I'm glad another ESTJ finds this to be an acceptable approach though.
In the past, I've tried to "rationalize" with her by countering her, which
never works. What I didn't do this time is butter her up.
I have noticed if I make completely ridiculous nonsensical comments, she softens up a bit sometimes. The "sweetest daughter" comment may have worked wonders, but I'm so mentally and emotionally exhausted after she goes on yelling and screaming that I just want to cuss her out. In contrast, when buttering her up doesn't work, she says I'm being "disrespectful" by being lighthearted when she's being serious.
And on disrespectful. I noticed that a lot of STJs use the word "respect"
a lot. What does
respect mean? I mean, I have my own thoughts, but it's nothing near what my mother has told me hers are. Ultimately, I think we want the same thing from each other. When we're out and about, we are great friends, but what keeps me from being able to fully trust her friendship is that she pulls the authority card whenever it's convenient to her.
Thanks for the response by the way. I feel a lot better at this hour.
That was an excellent answer. Everything you said makes sense. I REALLY relate to the closet analogy. (It's especially good, considering that that's how an ESTJ would handle a messy closet in real life, probably...
I know most of these are personal questions, but it should keep you busy and me interested right? 
But you're an INFP! 
