Charmed Justice
Nickle Iron Silicone
- Joined
- Jul 22, 2009
- Messages
- 2,805
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
One of the main problems my husband(ISTJ) and I have had is due to our differences in conflict resolution, or how we behave after we've hurt each other. His tendency is to stonewall, disappear, and nurse himself back to health. The most typical solution to his hurt is distraction from the problem. There's no need for him to talk things out, discuss feelings, or even openly make amends. After he's had time to cool off(usually takes some hours of playing a sport), he reappears; just like that, all is well for him.
On the other hand, I realize a need to talk and feel compelled towards making active repairs to the damage between us; damage that may take him months or years to acknowledge. He inadvertently keeps the appearance of peace between us and delays any further pain by withdrawing, but the circumstance that caused us pain will eventually re-emerge, assuming it goes away in the first place. Withdrawing as a solution strategy simply delays the inevitable in a relationship. I attempt to prevent the problem or solve it through communication of our feelings and reconnection, but I've more than occasionally exacerbated the original disconnect by seeking closure and resolution too soon. At our worst, Fe and Fi is the difference between pursuer and distancer. His feelings are much more independent of me than mine are of him. As a result, he can fully resolve them without any of my input at all.
On the other hand, I realize a need to talk and feel compelled towards making active repairs to the damage between us; damage that may take him months or years to acknowledge. He inadvertently keeps the appearance of peace between us and delays any further pain by withdrawing, but the circumstance that caused us pain will eventually re-emerge, assuming it goes away in the first place. Withdrawing as a solution strategy simply delays the inevitable in a relationship. I attempt to prevent the problem or solve it through communication of our feelings and reconnection, but I've more than occasionally exacerbated the original disconnect by seeking closure and resolution too soon. At our worst, Fe and Fi is the difference between pursuer and distancer. His feelings are much more independent of me than mine are of him. As a result, he can fully resolve them without any of my input at all.