[ENFJ] My ENFJ Boyfriend Is Surrounded By Cold Callous Family....Won't Take My INTJ Advice..

[INTJWoman]

There's nothing to assume. There is a 10 year old boy (i don't care how "not-human" you say he is) and your advice...that you call sound btw...is to tell his father to "kick him to the curb". Not...help him...remove him from his current home...institutionalize him...etc. etc. (Whatever his current issues are) But rather "kick him to the curb." So what? The rest of us can deal with him down the road? You disgust me.

Good. Then stop replying.

 

[INTJWoman]

This seems like a really rash response on the one hand based on a couple of short posts. That being said, I kind of agree. It was my immediate reaction. It seems like there are a lot of serious underlying issues that are going to lead to problems down the line.

This is exactly what I perceive.

 

[Starry]

Good. Then stop replying.

I waited to see if you would respond the way I suspected you would...and now that you have...I will.

 

[INTJWoman]

I know there are multiple expressions of ENFJ I guess...but it would be fun/interesting for me to witness what would happen to the person for all eternity that dared tell my Mom or Nona to "kick" one of their children "to the curb".



***I want to say that if this dude is actually ENFJ he won't abandon his family and you are likely digging your own grave by telling him to do so. If he is truly ENFJ he may just be at an incredibly low point but he'll come back strong and quite possibly kick you to the curb instead.

Your sadly short-sighted, overly emotional reply has no value here.

 

[highlander]

The problem is that either parents are able to handle this child as neither of them know how to set boundaries. The mother even nurtures the child's terrible behaviour and is in complete denial that anything is wrong with him...

I think that's a common problem these days. Children are indulged too much. I have a theory that it started to become a problem when you began to have two parents working away from the home and away from the children. In olden times, the significant majority of the population where farmers and though they were working all the time, they were physically present. Because both parents are separated from the children all day, they try to make up for it and end up spoiling the kids.

You assume so much based on 100 words...

Yes, perhaps there is too much jumping to a conclusion all the way around. Point taken.

 

[Starry]

Your sadly short-sighted, overly emotional reply has no value here.

If you want me to stop replying and calling you "half human"...then you are going to have to stop quoting me. Thanks babe.

 

[Masokissed]

Why do people come to personality forums of all places with this shit? And if you're going to come here you might as well use this place as a resource to maybe understand the 10 year old more and where he's coming from. But instead you seem very set on your opinion and you're only looking for validation. Something I'm not gonna give because what you want to do with the kid (a KID) sounds repulsive.

It sounds like you need to get help from a social worker or therapist or whatever and not from us. And if both his kids are as "defective" as you say they are (which btw your thinking is exactly what causes this behavior) then there must have been some kind of problem with how they were parented. It sounds like you're blaming the mom but it could just as much be the dad, too. You don't know because you haven't been with them for long. It also sounds like you really don't give a fuck about the kids and just want the guy all to yourself.

Notice I'm avoiding saying types because this has nothing to with it.

I don't know you, and I don't know him or his family; I don't know the whole situation and neither do you. So I really can't tell you what to do. But so far you're making yourself sound like the problem.

 

[Masokissed]

Useless reply.

So trying to help someone that's very young is useless? I guess we should start throwing babies out too.

 

[Masokissed]

So trying to help someone that's very young is useless? I guess we should start throwing babies out too.

"Babies do nothing but scream and leech, fuck babies." - [MENTION=28479]INTJWoman[/MENTION] who I'm starting to suspect is the ghost of Ayn Rand, another pointlessly cruel INTJ woman

 

[Starry]

So trying to help someone that's very young is useless? I guess we should start throwing babies out too.

If the baby is crying a lot...that could mean they're "half-human-half-psychopath" and that you should sleep with your door locked until you can kick them to the curb. Remember the first rule of not keeping it in your pants... "When the going gets rough it's time to turn your back on your children."

 

[Masokissed]

If the baby is crying a lot...that could mean they're "half-human-half-psychopath" and that you should sleep with your door locked until you can kick them to the curb. Remember the first rule of not keeping it in your pants... "When the going gets rough it's time to turn your back on your children."

 

[á´…eparted]

I can understand disagreement, but this has devolved into mean-spirited circle jerking. Ease up, it's an opinion and isn't as demonic as it's being played out to be.

 

[INTJWoman]

Why do people come to personality forums of all places with this shit? And if you're going to come here you might as well use this place as a resource to maybe understand the 10 year old more and where he's coming from. But instead you seem very set on your opinion and you're only looking for validation. Something I'm not gonna give because what you want to do with the kid (a KID) sounds repulsive.

It sounds like you need to get help from a social worker or therapist or whatever and not from us. And if both his kids are as "defective" as you say they are (which btw your thinking is exactly what causes this behavior) then there must have been some kind of problem with how they were parented. It sounds like you're blaming the mom but it could just as much be the dad, too. You don't know because you haven't been with them for long. It also sounds like you really don't give a fuck about the kids and just want the guy all to yourself.

Notice I'm avoiding saying types because this has nothing to with it.

I don't know you, and I don't know him or his family; I don't know the whole situation and neither do you. So I really can't tell you what to do. But so far you're making yourself sound like the problem.

I have no interest in what you think of me. I've come here to get some helpful advice on what to do in this situation.
And I have received much good advice from all but two in here...

Your services are not required.

 

[INTJWoman]

This will not make sense to you but you can help him.

Many ENFJs grow up in bad environments, where they are not loved and validated. But ENFJs are so attuned to the emotions of others, they accommodate them and understand them, ignoring their needs and self. They are naturally predisposed to codependency.

So, for growth, an ENFJ needs to turn that empathy inward and start loving themself. They need to start valuing themself. They need to create boundaries and such. This is really, really hard, as we feel so connected to others we often can't separate our feelings and others.

What can you do?

1. Love and validate him. Lots of verbal and physical affection. More than you could normally find comfortable.

2. Do not try to tell him how to solve his problems.

3. He needs therapy but he needs to want to go. Codependency comes from a lack of self love.

4. Physical activity helps ground an ENFJ and get them in touch with themselves. Try to get him active. And something like Yoga could really help here.

5. Be patient. He can grow, but rarely do ENFJs get out of this pit without help.....try not to throw ultimatums about his family. Do try to get create boundaries.

Thank you for this. Yes, it does make sense to me.

I feel I'm doing my best on points 1 and 5.

I need to work on point 2.

Point 3: not gotten that far yet.

Point 4: he is physically very active.

 

[Tilt]

One more point, some kids may act up because they aren't great with change such as a parent dating someone and the changing dynamics that come along with it. If the mother encourages it, the behavioral problems maybe the child's way of getting attention and asserting control when he actually feels lost....unless he actually really does have some serious mental issues.

If you are feeding into the "kick your family to the curb" energy, the child will most likely pick it up, and will not react kindly to the situation. It's going to add to the instability. If you decide to stay, build boundaries, and don't feed into the emotional rollercoaster

ENFJs are lovely but they can be quite the emotional rollercoaster. My good ENFJ friend had a chaotic family situation and people would go out of their way to comfort and support him because he just made it SOUND so bad but now after a couple of years, he's still in contact with the same "troublesome" people and has made it work. Some people felt quite used; others were ok with it. With the new information, I would not be surprised if something similar ends up happening.

 

[INTJWoman]

One more point, some kids may act up because they aren't great with change such as a parent dating someone and the changing dynamics that come along with it. If the mother encourages it, the behavioral problems maybe the child's way of getting attention and asserting control when he actually feels lost....unless he actually really does have some serious mental issues.

If you are feeding into the "kick your family to the curb" energy, the child will most likely pick it up, and will not react kindly to the situation. It's going to add to the instability. If you decide to stay, build boundaries, and don't feed into the emotional rollercoaster

ENFJs are lovely but they can be quite the emotional rollercoaster. My good ENFJ friend had a chaotic family situation and people would go out of their way to comfort and support him because he just made it SOUND so bad but now after a couple of years, he's still in contact with the same "troublesome" people and has made it work. Some people felt quite used; others were ok with it. With the new information, I would not be surprised if something similar ends up happening.

No. He's not acting up. This is how he behaves. He has behaved this way since around 2-3 years old, so I'm told. It has just gotten progressively worse as he gets older. I am being quite serious when I say that his behaviour is very worrying...

My energy around the child is rather positive - we talk a great deal about technology. It's not as if we do not get on. But, but, but.......the behaviour....

I can see how much it wears my bf out to have him on the weekends. It's a fight from dusk til dawn....

 

[Cowardly]

I suspect that parental love is fundamentally different from romantic love. Parents have a strong protective instinct towards their children. I experience some type of parental love with my little brother and my nephew. Telling someone to cut contact with their child in order to protect their emotional balance would be received with strong repulsion from many.

I don't know much about the 10-year-old kid but he looks normal to me based on the information I have. It's a very turbulent time and I've done some very disturbing things when I was this age. I had a lot of emotional baggage and if I had been abandoned I suspect I would possibly be broken by now. I would expect many prepubescent to be very flawed and very reactive. It's a scary time and we all react differently to the pressures we're subjected to.

 

[Tilt]

No. He's not acting up. This is how he behaves. He has behaved this way since around 2-3 years old, so I'm told. It has just gotten progressively worse as he gets older. I am being quite serious when I say that his behaviour is very worrying...

My energy around the child is rather positive - we talk a great deal about technology. It's not as if we do not get on. But, but, but.......the behaviour....

I can see how much it wears my bf out to have him on the weekends. It's a fight from dusk til dawn....

How long were his parents together? Did they have a rocky relationship starting from when he was about 2-3? There is always a chance that he has serious issues but children aren't typically the best communicators... Maybe he just doesn't know how to express his emotions constructively because like [MENTION=27574]Cowardly[/MENTION] said he may have emotional baggage. Parents can be physically present but emotionally distant. Bad behavior begets attention.

 

[Cowardly]

Just be very very careful with whatever decision that is made. Family members are very emotionally co-dependent.

Although I also cut off toxic family members from my life, I am aware that breaking a familial link, especially a parent-child link, is a very serious act with multiple consequences. There's a lot of potential regret in these scenarios.

 

[Cowardly]

How long were his parents together? Did they have a rocky relationship starting from when he was about 2-3? There is always a chance that he has serious issues but children aren't typically the best communicators... Maybe he just doesn't know how to express his emotions constructively because like [MENTION=27574]Cowardly[/MENTION] said he may have emotional baggage. Parents can be physically present but emotionally distant. Bad behavior begets attention.

I'd also like to point out that we don't only interact with our families. He may be experiencing hell outdoors and unleashing it all at home. It's never rational.