For the record, I don't have a "rage hangover". I dunno if that's the NFJ vs NTJ difference. I feel cleansed by fire, more or less.
I'm not saying I have no leftover anger or stress (that appears to have popped up elsewhere in my interactions), but I feel no shame or energy drain w/r to it.
Late to the conversation
Am more with you on that one. It takes a lot to push me
too far, but when it happens I feel invigorated by the rage that rises within me, it's hard to articulate without imagery; normally I'm Earth which is peaceful and slow moving, when the rage comes I'm Fire and it feels so alive. It would be tiring if it lasted too long but while it's there the rage is assertive.
How can a 4 win over a 9 after a 9 has retreated into their shell?
Even if everything else I write is irrelevant to your situation, just know it's something that cannot be done on the 4s timeline.
When a 4 withdraws there is typically desire to be chased, to be shown through action that they are wanted. When a 9 withdraws, chasing us is typically detrimental as it feels like pressure. When around others there is a constant balance between own stance and other's perspectives, our withdrawal can be required space to regroup, or when less healthy or over stressed, it can be about shutting down. The former you can work with if you allow space with a low-pressure presence, the latter is harder.
Generic E9 disclamer: Naturally I do not speak for all 9, so this is antidotal. There are two point five kinds of withdrawals for me;
One is about me. It's about regrouping and figuring out who I am, what matters to me, how I feel about what's happened and where I want to move. This is when something happens that I'm unsure of. Those withdrawals will typically bounce back with engaged communication about what I've discovered so all I would need for you is an openness to having a conversation and willingness to hear what I need to say without being judged or shutdown. Simply saying that you are there to talk when I need would usually suffice.
The others are about someone else or an external situation and easily interrelated. That's when there's withdrawal over breaking trust or feeling unwanted.
- Breaking trust for me is frequently fatal, on a surface level I trust just about anyone, however, deeper trust is given very carefully in E8 style of balancing power. Moving past broken trust, if it were to happen would involve a lot of words from the other person followed by consistent actions over time to back them up.
- The feeling unwelcomed is a tough one to break back in for me, however I find 4s are especially attuned to be able to due to the depth and sincerity of openness that can be given. Learning about our relationship with Holy Love can assist you here, affirmation that we do matter can be the easiest way, however for me it has to be sincere and subtle.
If they have simply retreated because of stress then doing light, fun things with them, that are free from pressures can start things, but they still need to do the work to overcome the avoidance.
In short, why your 9 has retreated is relevant, if there are no underlining issues to deal with then the best clue for what to do is look at what your 9 would do, we tend to treat people approximately how we want to be treated, interested when you show desire to talk, allowing space when you do not, keeping things light and fun when it's hard for you to talk, and going deeper when you let us in.
would you say you're more of a procrastinator or can you not relax until you get your tasks for the day done?
Not a 9 thing although we are in general a relaxed bunch.
As a NP type, I'm frequently in favour of open-ended options, which is not the same as procrastination, I just don't get great satisfaction out of endings.
The main time procrastination kicks in for 9s in general is when we are trying to avoid something, it's our special power *hi-five*
What is a red flag in a relationship (romantic or otherwise)?
Inability to recognise I have needs because I'm not screaming them at your face.