[NT] Soliciting small talk advice from other NTs

[Xander]

Wow you guys take small talk seriously!

 

[Natrushka]

Something that further complicates small-talk for me is maintaining the balance: being friendly enough to avoid being disliked, but not so much so that people start to think we're becoming friends. I believe VERY strongly in keeping personal life and the workplace in their separate containers.

<shudder> Yes, I understand. My husband's family is populated with Extroverts. Feeling Extrovers who think I am teh devil because I don't chit chat or like to talk on the phone.

</hijack>

 

[RDF]

Steps to Mastering Small Talk:

1. Identify your Small Talk Skills Person to emulate. This is someone whom you respect but still manages to pull off the Small Talk Conversation with ease. As an NT, this will likely be an NF. Probably an ENF.
2. Spend time watching what they do.
3. Spend time thinking about what they do.
4. Perform, using your information that you have gathered, structured, and integrated into your working interaction system. You will be awesome. Just Perform like the Small Talk Skills Person, with your own NT minor flair to it.

Things to remember:
*Don't say anything offensive
*Don't bring up topics where people feel very personally about (war, politics, religion, pro-life/choice, etc.)
*Smile

Input from an NF here.

I agree with Usehername's advice (along with the advice of Haight and Jennifer in the early posts in this thread). Find someone good at small talk and study them. Watch how they approach new people, listen to how they initiate conversation, pay attention to what exactly they say, etc. In my day, I studied an ENFP and an ESTJ and learned quite a lot from them.

One more piece of advice in addition to what was said above: Along the same lines with what JJJ suggested, invest some time in studying the things that interest the people around you. If your acquaintances routinely chat about a favorite TV series or soap opera or sport, then watch a couple episodes. Not because you expect to like the shows, but because it's an easy way to get up and talking with people and have something in common with them. It's a small investment of time with a big pay-off.

If people are into celebrity news, then hunt down an Internet gossip column (try the Perez Hilton website) and take 5 minutes a day to scan the latest news. If people are into the stock market, then take 5 minutes to stop by the Wall Street Journal website. Again, it's a small investment of time that yields an easy entry into the world of small talk.

Small talk isn't rocket science. You just need to pay attention to what interests others and do a little research so you can get on the same wavelength. (Then, once you're in the loop and have built a bit of a bond with the others, you'll gain rights to lead the conversation in more substantive directions.)

FL

 

[Usehername]

Input from an NF here.

I agree with Usehername's advice (along with the advice of Haight and Jennifer in the early posts in this thread). Find someone good at small talk and listen to how they initiate conversation, what they actually say, etc. In my day, I studied an ENFP and an ESTJ and learned quite a lot from them.

One more piece of advice in addition to what was said above: Along the same lines with what JJJ suggested, invest some time in studying the things that interest the people around you. If your acquaintances routinely chat about a favorite TV series or soap opera or sport, then watch a couple episodes. Not because you expect to like the shows, but because it's an easy way to get up and talking with people and have something in common with them. It's a small investment of time with a big pay-off.

If people are into celebrity news, then hunt down an Internet gossip column (try the Perez Hilton website) and take 5 minutes a day to scan the latest news. If people are into the stock market, then take 5 minutes to stop by the Wall Street Journal website. Again, it's a small investment of time that yields an easy entry into the world of small talk.

Small talk isn't rocket science. You just need to pay attention to what interests others and do a little research so you can get on the same wavelength. (Then, once you're in the loop and have built a bit of a bond with the others, you'll gain rights to lead the conversation in more substantive directions.)

FL

Perfect addition.

Except, an NT would never voluntarily catch up on the latest celebrity gossip. They would rather sit in a corner and be seen as a jerk

 

[proteanmix]

Input from an NF here.

I agree with Usehername's advice (along with the advice of Haight and Jennifer in the early posts in this thread). Find someone good at small talk and study them. Watch how they approach new people, listen to how they initiate conversation, pay attention to what exactly they say, etc. In my day, I studied an ENFP and an ESTJ and learned quite a lot from them.

One more piece of advice in addition to what was said above: Along the same lines with what JJJ suggested, invest some time in studying the things that interest the people around you. If your acquaintances routinely chat about a favorite TV series or soap opera or sport, then watch a couple episodes. Not because you expect to like the shows, but because it's an easy way to get up and talking with people and have something in common with them. It's a small investment of time with a big pay-off.

If people are into celebrity news, then hunt down an Internet gossip column (try the Perez Hilton website) and take 5 minutes a day to scan the latest news. If people are into the stock market, then take 5 minutes to stop by the Wall Street Journal website. Again, it's a small investment of time that yields an easy entry into the world of small talk.

Small talk isn't rocket science. You just need to pay attention to what interests others and do a little research so you can get on the same wavelength. (Then, once you're in the loop and have built a bit of a bond with the others, you'll gain rights to lead the conversation in more substantive directions.)

FL

Very true. I keep up with celebrity gossip and gloss over the sports section to have a working knowledge of what's happening. You have to find common points of interest to conversate about. If I feel like having a "deeper" conversation, I'll start with something trite like celebrity gossip and then try "What makes a person above the law?" (re: Paris Hilton's recent release from prison) or something else. You've got to understand that most people don't want to immediately jump into heavy conversation. They're just as nervous as you are about looking like an uneducated idiot. If my attempts at deeper conversation don't work then I back off. When you continually pound it in you're deleting all the positive responses you just got.

When exiting a conversation I try to leave at a "high point" like everyone's laughing or something, that way you leave a better impression in people's minds because they are jovial when you exit. Don't wait until the conversation wanes and people are looking at their toes. Most people are just as eager to get out of the conversation as you are. You'd be surprised once one person says, "Well back to work, " or "Time for lunch" how quickly people disperse in relief.

Keep your NT analyzing and nitpicking to a minimum because people DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT. I've seen NTs do this and people shut down on them. I don't think their intentions are to alienate, but it happens. I don't go around proselytizing about the injustices of the world unless I can tell people are in a mood to hear it. Don't get mad at them, it's the way the world works.

 

[Totenkindly]

Except, an NT would never voluntarily catch up on the latest celebrity gossip. They would rather sit in a corner and be seen as a jerk

I know! I was thinking, "FL's post shows EXACTLY why an NT has trouble with small talk: They consider it beneath them."

The attitude is one of the first things that has to change. I like Protean's post very much, about having realistic expectations and how to manage the process (use small talk as a springboard; leave on a high note rather than dragging things out to the end; DON'T CONSTANTLY CRITIQUE/ANALYZE as your style of conversation; etc.)

It's very much about moderating your own style of conversation and getting some more variety into it, rather than always doing the "analytical/philosophical" thing.

Streeeeeeetttttch.... you can do it!

And let's face it, unless you're the Unabomber and want to live alone as a hermit, your life and insights can't effectively impact the world in positive ways without you learning how to interrelate with people on their level.

 

[The Ü™]

Except, an NT would never voluntarily catch up on the latest celebrity gossip. They would rather sit in a corner and be seen as a jerk

What's wrong with hearing celebrity gossip once in a while? If it weren't for the ridiculous thing happening in celebrities' lives, I probably would've never come up with this idea!

I just love researching on how shallow these celebrities are. And an increased hatred of them can generate some wild ideas!

 

[RDF]

I know! I was thinking, "FL's post shows EXACTLY why an NT has trouble with small talk: They consider it beneath them."

Don't get me wrong. I've never actually visited the perezhilton.com website. I've only heard about it.

Personally, I allow only the deepest and most spiritual of thoughts into my mind. I don't think I've ever had a shallow thought in my life. For example, here's the deep thought that I'm pondering right now:

I've decided to start believing in karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it.

Pretty deep, right?

FL

 

[Totenkindly]

For example, here's the deep thought that I'm pondering right now: I've decided to start believing in karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it. Pretty deep, right?

<look of amazement>

I think you have just changed my life. (Why didn't I think of this first???)

 

[JivinJeffJones]

<look of amazement>

I think you have just changed my life. (Why didn't I think of this first???)

Bloody INTP karma chameleons.

 

[rivercrow]

I've decided to start believing in karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and I assume they deserve it.

Pretty deep, right?

FL

 

[raincrow007]

Bloody INTP karma chameleons.

Damn you all to hell for getting that fucking song stuck in my head. :steam:

 

[RDF]

(Why didn't I think of this first???)

Well, it certainly is a very NT interpretation of the doctrine of karma. (Credit for the line goes to Scott Adams and the "Dilbert" cartoon.)

FL

 

[Totenkindly]

Damn you all to hell for getting that fucking song stuck in my head. :steam:

How about Rogers & Hammerstein?
"Somewhere in your wicked childhood,
you must have done something baaaaad."

It's the Rule of Karma. You're just paying for your sins.

 

[Cerpin_Taxt]

Let me just say, this is one of the funniest thread title's I've ever read.
I despise small talk and refuse to indulge in it in a active manner, but if people try to talk to me I let them--for a time. I find nodding works, and a wry grin--as long as it dosen't look maniacal. So this instead of this .

Does posting in this thread count as small talk, if it does I think i'm going to have to go have a shower now.

 

[Usehername]

Let me just say, this is one of the funniest thread title's I've ever read.
I despise small talk and refuse to indulge in it in a active manner, but if people try to talk to me I let them--for a time. I find nodding works, and a wry grin--as long as it dosen't look maniacal. So this instead of this .

Does posting in this thread count as small talk, if it does I think i'm going to have to go have a shower now.

I've always defined small talk as "meaningless" exchange of information; superficial by nature. Because we're talking about something beyond the superficial aspect, it's a meaningful exchange of information, and thus not small talk. At least, I think.

 

[rivercrow]

Small talk==fluff. It's symmetrical.

Just like fluff, small talk can lead to something interesting, or it may not--it's unpredictable. A constant outcome is an increase in social connectedness. "Greasing the social wheels." I believe this is true for fluff as well, which is why it's so hard to agree on a definition of fluff.

You could call it noise on the line, but it's more like beaconing or an exchange of keep-alive packets.
"Are you there?"
"Yes, I'm still here."
"That means I'm here too."
"Yup."

 

[Geoff]

Small talk is also important in that the first thing you say to someone, particularly on the phone, is never registered.

That is why we have "hello!" and "how is the weather today" "how are you" etc etc. Try it, walk up to someone (family/colleague) and ask them without a greeting for what you want, they will invariably say "pardon?" or look confused... this is because you haven't given them the first comment small talk response protection thingie to engage their brains.

-Geoff

 

[rivercrow]

Small talk is also important in that the first thing you say to someone, particularly on the phone, is never registered.

It's a SYN/ACK handshake for peeps.

Connection establishment

1. The active open is performed by sending a SYN to the server.
2. In response, the server replies with a SYN-ACK.
3. Finally the client sends an ACK (usually called SYN-ACK-ACK) back to the server.

At this point, both the client and server have received an acknowledgement of the connection.

See--even computers need smalltalk!

 

[Natrushka]

Small talk is also important in that the first thing you say to someone, particularly on the phone, is never registered.

Try this nex time:

Ring. Ring. RING. Pick up phone. "State your business"