I got behind in replying again - my apologies. First, I wanted to note that my OP was not limited to compliments, but "nice things" more generally. Statements like, "I'm glad you were able to join us", "Thank you for sharing that", or "I'm sure it wasn't your fault" would count also, even though they aren't compliments. Discussion of compliments is certainly on-topic, though, and probably represents the bulk of the nice things people say to each other.
Second, I will note that the focus was on why people say these things, rather than how they receive them from others. Again, I don't consider the latter off-topic, and sometimes the two are linked. It has been interesting to read about both sides from those members who have addressed both.
To address specific comments:
Read my previous posts. Encouragement, not quite. Information, yes.
I did. You identified broad categories of compliments that you would reject/ignore, so I was trying to figure out what was left. Looks like feedback-style compliments from people with the expertise to assess the quality of what you have done.
People say nice things mostly to feel empowered or to curry favor, which they bury under self deceiving (yet validating) pretenses like "I'm a good and moral person" or "I am liked and appreciated," because the more accurate and specific the compliment is, the deeper and more warmly it will be received, therefore the more objectively valuable it is ("I am such an adept charmer.").
The only compliments I trust are the ones blurted out in impulsive awe. Anything with room for calculation either turns me off of has no effect.
Do you feel this way about positive statements made by, say, a boss or a customer? Where do you draw the line between compliments and positive feedback?
I personally think it's too hard to make something up. If I can't find anything to like about a person, I'm just not going to say anything rather than try to come up with artificial flattery. I can usually find something, even if it takes me a little while. If I have to use flattery to get ahead, or to get on someone's good side, that expends too much energy and just isn't worth it, in my eyes.
It might be easy to make something up, but I won't do it. It is no more than lying IME. I have given genuine compliments, that is, gone out of my way to find and comment on something I actually do like - when I am trying to encourage someone to be favorably disposed to me. Usually this is when I have to get someone's help with a pointless administrative task, either at work or e.g. dealing with the DMV. It always makes me feel sleazy, but I will do it as a means to an end if I think it will help.
I relate to what MovinOut says about connecting and what highlander mentioned about love languages. If I see someone often and they happen to be wearing earrings I like, why shouldn't I compliment them? It's helping create a positive interaction between us, and possibly facilitating conversation, and helping build or deepen a connection. Maybe telling that stranger at the store that you love his shirt that made you laugh out loud, that her skin is gorgeous, that her hair makes her like a princess, thanking the cleaner at the store for the good job they do to show appreciation, maybe those things will brighten those peoples' days. Words of affection are a huge love language for me, and I don't feel as valued if I don't get them. So I think on some level, I give sincere compliments because I want to make people feel good. But I generally don't give fake compliments. I might give a white lie if it's only going to be helpful and not hurtful (like telling someone that the pizza they accidentally left in the oven too long isn't that bad - what's the point in getting critical then, if they already feel bad? And it's not a big deal?)
If I give a compliment, it is always sincere, and is usually intended as positive feedback, to let the other person know the (positive) effects of something they have done or shared. It drives me round the bend when the recipient says, "Oh, you're just saying that to be nice." In fact, it is such responses that led me to start this thread. I don't do it "just to be nice", and wondered if others did, and how common that was.
I rarely give compliments in the circumstances you describe above, because I don't want the other person to take it as an invitation to further interaction or conversation. I do try to be good about offering thanks or appreciation, whether for good service as a customer, good work from a coworker, or simply a good deed from a friend or neighbor. I want the person to know that what they did made a difference, and to encourage them to keep doing it.
When is the time for criticism? That seems like the best question. Much of the time, it's not needed and isn't going to be helpful. I think it's best if given kindly, is helpful, and is actually going to make a significant positive difference; or if it's directly asked for; or if it's a professional setting where it's expected.
The time for constructive criticism is when it actually will be constructive: when it stands to do some good. I will offer it to younger coworkers or to students, to help them learn and improve. I will offer it when asked for it. I will also offer it when it is necessary to keep someone else from derailing or interfering with something I am doing. Sometimes they honestly don't know that their actions are causing a problem.
My first love language is words of appreciation so it may have something to do with the value I put on words as well. [MENTION=9811]Coriolis[/MENTION], because in general I tend to read a lot into the use or lack of use of words especially from people who enjoy them as much as myself. I do recognize that most people throw meaningless and empty compliments out and in general don't realize what power words of encouragement or discouragement can have. But I am not one of those people.
I would hate to put much stock into a compliment insincerely given. That's one reason I look for specifics that I can match up with what else I know.
I often feel proud of people who accomplish great things or do something special that uses their gifts. Not many things have this effect but it can bring me to tears. I don't think there is a need to analyze this so much. Sure there are people who flatter others in a manipulative way. As long as you learn to recognize those kinds of things its fine. To not be able to accept when people are providing genuine compliments and appreciate them seems to indicate issues with trust or self esteem. The problem is with the person on the receiving end. Even some flattery is fine IMO. Its harmless.
I agree completely with the highlighted. As I mentioned above, it is very frustrating to me when I give what I feel is a genuine compliment, and it is brushed off.
I don't know about compliments. I speak of facts. Some facts regarding someone might make me feel proud of them, and I let them know that, in one way or another. Sometimes through words, sometimes a thumb down, sometimes a punch in the gut, sometimes a roast,...etc. I like it that way.
Well, yes - if a compliment is not factual, it is worthless to me. Same with a criticism.
"Not genuine" is a tricky qualifier to apply to someone else's motivation. I think sometimes there can be an earnest motivation to make others feel better (or just to see the best in others) that authentically supersedes any priority to assess things in an objective light. This is to say, I believe exaggerated or inaccurate compliments can come from a genuine place without ulterior motives. Accuracy in compliments is something that actually takes a bit of skill, something which requires cultivation, and while it's a skill that I'm personally drawn to in others and appreciate (in fact, as I said, I'd list it as one of my 'needs'), I also recognize that others don't particularly need the same degree of accuracy. There are little details that reveal whether a person is issuing compliments out of kindness or strategy (Powehi outlined many of them), and yes, when it consistently seems a person is issuing them out of actual kindness I even find it a bit humbling (even if I can't handle exposing myself to a whole lot of it because I do have a threshold for inaccurate compliments - I recognize it's my threshold, not their shortcoming, causing my agitation).
I think I understand you. You raise an interesting distinction, between the sentiment being genuine and the substance of the compliment being genuine, i.e. accurate content. I guess I try to offer both when I compliment someone, and prefer to see both when I am complimented. I would rather receive something genuine on both levels, or nothing at all.
I think the security that it brings has to do with identity; if they can 'see past' the problematic behavior and focus on something positive, they get to feel secure in the notion that they're a benevolent person who sees the good in others. But the part I find grating is that it can enable problematic behavior. For example, in a work environment, maybe "Stan" is a fellow department head who needs other people to do things his way and is totally unapproachable about it (like his reaction to being told to let other people do a thing in their own way is SO strong that it's easier to just cave and do things his way, and pretend the consensus agrees). While I personally always keep in mind that we all do the best we can with what we know, I also know that sometimes "what we know" needs to expand for some people to get along with others; someone with reaction formation ("James") might feel like they aren't accepting Stan for who he is if they hold on to the idea that his behavior is unacceptable, and there will be an exaggerated focus on whatever positive thing Stan brings to the group (in attempt to) to drown out whatever negative is being stirred up by the bad behavior. It might work for James (i.e. it might effectively block the problematic behavior from their perception), and it almost certainly placates Stan to hear an emphasis on whatever positive thing he brings to the group *and* a dismissal of how problematic his behavior is, but it's stifling and dismissive to everyone else who has to continue to deal with the problematic behavior that James is enabling. (The compliments that James is giving Stan might even be relatively accurate, but if they are given at a precise moment to distract from an underlying issue then it's a problem. And I wouldn't even say it's "not genuine" on James' part to issue the compliments, because he sees it as true and he's just trying to be a benevolent person; in such cases a person can't see the forest from the trees and doesn't realize they're enabling a power imbalance.)
I have seen the behavior you describe here, and while I appreciate the effort to encourage the person to expand the part of their actions that are good, it always comes across as enabling what is bad. I suppose the companion question to "why do people say nice things?" is "why are some people so hesitant to say critical things, however kindly?" I especially fault supervisors for this. It is their job to be able to explain to eployees where their performance is falling short, and to help them improve, yet many seem reluctant to take the bull by the horns and do it. The Peter Principle is related to this.
