Why people say nice things

[Coriolis]

I agree with the bolded. Anything other than that is empty and not of much use to me. I tend to find most compliments patronizing, or at worst, infantilizing. "OH WOW LOOK AT [good action/quality]! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!" is reserved for kindergarteners, in my mind. This is a major reason I still struggle to accept compliments today (more often, I get offended first), though it's much easier for me to give them, especially if I truly understand that it does good for the other person beyond just making them feel good.

I have never been able to relate to feeling proud of another person. I can appreciate, admire, or encourage, but feel pride - no. So, then, you will offer compliments if it brings some benefit to the other person? I assume you say only things that are accurate, without exaggeration.

The bolded. Sometimes I see them in spades in self-martrying people, or people who idealize someone else so greatly that they focus only on the other person's good qualities and downright ignore the rest. The former creates causes out of thin air to die for because they have a an unhealthy attraction / compulsion for it, the latter are just idealistic, young, inexperienced, or all of the above. These are just more pronounced examples however, not the standard of how people behave.

Do you think such people are really ignoring "the rest", or simply refraining from criticisms that may be unwelcome and unhelpful? I suppose eventually those negatives do need to be addressed, unless they are indeed minor and of no consequence in the relationship/interaction.

 

[Earl Grey]

I have never been able to relate to feeling proud of another person. I can appreciate, admire, or encourage, but feel pride - no. So, then, you will offer compliments if it brings some benefit to the other person? I assume you say only things that are accurate, without exaggeration.

Yes, if I perceive benefit (beyond them just feeling good about it), and yes to the bolded. Some people do need it, or it really does help them, encourage them. To me it's just bringing up what seems to be the obvious (accurate), and that I can do.

Do you think such people are really ignoring "the rest", or simply refraining from criticisms that may be unwelcome and unhelpful? I suppose eventually those negatives do need to be addressed, unless they are indeed minor and of no consequence in the relationship/interaction.

Ime, some who do these, really are ignoring (don't ask me how, I don't know how they do it, just that they do- the person in their eyes can do no wrong), sometimes to the ultimate detriment of themselves and the person they are complimenting. Few can actually admit that out loud once things have gone south.

 

[Coriolis]

Yes, if I perceive benefit (beyond them just feeling good about it), and yes to the bolded. Some people do need it, or it really does help them, encourage them. To me it's just bringing up what seems to be the obvious (accurate), and that I can do.

Can I assume, then, that you receive compliments in the same spirit? When someone gives you a compliment that is accurate and supported, you take it in and derive whatever encouragement or information you can from it?

 

[Earl Grey]

Can I assume, then, that you receive compliments in the same spirit? When someone gives you a compliment that is accurate and supported, you take it in and derive whatever encouragement or information you can from it?

Read my previous posts. Encouragement, not quite. Information, yes.

 

[anticlimatic]

People say nice things mostly to feel empowered or to curry favor, which they bury under self deceiving (yet validating) pretenses like "I'm a good and moral person" or "I am liked and appreciated," because the more accurate and specific the compliment is, the deeper and more warmly it will be received, therefore the more objectively valuable it is ("I am such an adept charmer.").

The only compliments I trust are the ones blurted out in impulsive awe. Anything with room for calculation either turns me off of has no effect.

 

[Morpeko]

So then you give compliments mainly to connect with people? It is interesting that you have a sort of delayed reaction, positive at first, then devolving into skepticism. I can tell just from my limited interaction with you here that you are hardly a worthless piece of trash. Does it alleviate your concerns if a compliment contains details and examples, so you can match it up with what you know of yourself, and what others have told you? The highlighted really gets at the heart of my question: whether it is easier to say nothing, or to find something you can compliment honestly, or to make up something up; and what motivates each approach. My mother, unfortunately, would compliment people and then say negative things about them behind their back. Small things, like telling the neighbor she likes her dress, then telling my father how ugly it was once the neighbor had gone inside. It is one of the qualities I most disliked in her.

Yeah, I think that compliments help me to connect with people. I'm not quite sure if it works, or if people think that I'm even being authentic about them in the first place, but I don't see much harm in me giving them out whenever I do find something worth complimenting.

Thanks, I'm glad you don't think so. It does alleviate my concerns a bit when the compliment isn't generic (i.e. containing specific details and examples). I'm way too paranoid, so then I do wonder why exactly the person is paying so much attention to me, but at least I think they're being more authentic than a person saying I'm "nice" or "cute" without much more elaboration.

I personally think it's too hard to make something up. If I can't find anything to like about a person, I'm just not going to say anything rather than try to come up with artificial flattery. I can usually find something, even if it takes me a little while. If I have to use flattery to get ahead, or to get on someone's good side, that expends too much energy and just isn't worth it, in my eyes.

I don't understand people like your mother, or like I have pointed out in my post, like my aunt, who say nice things to a person's face but mean things behind their back. Not only does the "compliment" seem like extra and pointless words, but I don't get what the point of the rude comments are either. If I'm going to insult someone, I think I'd rather have them hear me loud and clear about it.

 

[Luminous]

I relate to what MovinOut says about connecting and what highlander mentioned about love languages. If I see someone often and they happen to be wearing earrings I like, why shouldn't I compliment them? It's helping create a positive interaction between us, and possibly facilitating conversation, and helping build or deepen a connection. Maybe telling that stranger at the store that you love his shirt that made you laugh out loud, that her skin is gorgeous, that her hair makes her like a princess, thanking the cleaner at the store for the good job they do to show appreciation, maybe those things will brighten those peoples' days. Words of affection are a huge love language for me, and I don't feel as valued if I don't get them. So I think on some level, I give sincere compliments because I want to make people feel good. But I generally don't give fake compliments. I might give a white lie if it's only going to be helpful and not hurtful (like telling someone that the pizza they accidentally left in the oven too long isn't that bad - what's the point in getting critical then, if they already feel bad? And it's not a big deal?)

How do you determine when is the time for compliments vs. criticism, vs. saying nothing at all?

When is the time for criticism? That seems like the best question. Much of the time, it's not needed and isn't going to be helpful. I think it's best if given kindly, is helpful, and is actually going to make a significant positive difference; or if it's directly asked for; or if it's a professional setting where it's expected.

 

[Abcdenfp]

This is pretty much my view and orientation. I'm just pretty honest and I think I can be discerning in recognizing good things about people so why not tell them? .My first love language is also words of appreciation so if I feel something, I will often just say it. I can also be direct in raising concerns as well though. Generally, I just don't hold back when I get to know someone.

My first love language is words of appreciation so it may have something to do with the value I put on words as well. [MENTION=9811]Coriolis[/MENTION], because in general I tend to read a lot into the use or lack of use of words especially from people who enjoy them as much as myself. I do recognize that most people throw meaningless and empty compliments out and in general don't realize what power words of encouragement or discouragement can have. But I am not one of those people.

 

[highlander]

I have never been able to relate to feeling proud of another person. I can appreciate, admire, or encourage, but feel pride - no. So, then, you will offer compliments if it brings some benefit to the other person? I assume you say only things that are accurate, without exaggeration. Do you think such people are really ignoring "the rest", or simply refraining from criticisms that may be unwelcome and unhelpful? I suppose eventually those negatives do need to be addressed, unless they are indeed minor and of no consequence in the relationship/interaction.

I often feel proud of people who accomplish great things or do something special that uses their gifts. Not many things have this effect but it can bring me to tears. I don't think there is a need to analyze this so much. Sure there are people who flatter others in a manipulative way. As long as you learn to recognize those kinds of things its fine. To not be able to accept when people are providing genuine compliments and appreciate them seems to indicate issues with trust or self esteem. The problem is with the person on the receiving end. Even some flattery is fine IMO. Its harmless.

 

[Sacrophagus]

I don't know about compliments. I speak of facts. Some facts regarding someone might make me feel proud of them, and I let them know that, in one way or another. Sometimes through words, sometimes a thumb down, sometimes a punch in the gut, sometimes a roast,...etc. I like it that way.

My first love language is words of appreciation

Let me prove you wrong.

*slaps her*

That's it for today.

 

[Abcdenfp]

I don't know about compliments. I speak of facts. Some facts regarding someone might make me feel proud of them, and I let them know that, in one way or another. Sometimes through words, sometimes a thumb down, sometimes a punch in the gut, sometimes a roast,...etc. I like it that way.





Let me prove you wrong.

*slaps her*

That's it for today.

you also speak in flowers sometimes.

*Turns the other cheek*

we are not done here.

 

[Sacrophagus]

you also speak in flowers sometimes.

I don't know. They call them the Inspirer for a reason.

*Turns the other cheek*

we are not done here.

Don't turn the other cheek. Do your worst.

 

[Abcdenfp]

I don't know. They call them the Inspirer for a reason.




Don't turn the other cheek. Do your worst.

*sharpens claws -stares him dead in the eyes*



do you want to see how fast we can derail this thread?

*saunters off* … your call..

 

[Falcarius]

Falcarius is convinced people one compliment him as they want to go full-on T-Rex with him and have his babies.

On a serious note, it is normally just to be friendly and to build a connection with others; it doesn't really mean anything half the time.

 

[Grand Admiral Crunch]

Once, my grandma said, "I just feel ugly and old. Do you think I'm ugly?" And I was like, "Yeah grandma, you're old and ugly!" Cause I don't say nice things if I don't mean them. I will sometimes say something flattering to smooth a social situation. My unsolicited compliments come from a genuine place of admiration or gratefulness.

I don't flatter to get ahead. That would be degrading to me. I'd feel like I was prostituting myself.

Most people don't like people feeling good about themselves without merit. I saw a post of Facebook once where this lady said "I'm 34 and I look like I'm in my 20's." Almost all the comments below that were like "No you don't! You look awful." About 15 of those. Then one lady said, "You look great." But she didn't say, "yeah, you totally look 20-something." I didn't say anything. If she did look 20-something, I myself would have complimented her and probably a few other people would. There would also be some haters though, regardless.

 

[Luminous]

On the other side of the fence are many people who, themselves feeling awful, seek to make others feel that same way. Perhaps this should be another thread. How much of it comes down to the effect you wish to have on others? If you wish to help, encourage, connect, you may act kind and give positive words to facilitate that, or with some of you, you may offer knowledge and logical solutions you see to problems. If you wish to harm, discourage, and make others suffer, you may be mean in attempt to accomplish that, with malevolent actions and harsh words.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

Am I understanding right that you will make allowances for compliments that are exaggerated or not genuine, when made out of kindness?

"Not genuine" is a tricky qualifier to apply to someone else's motivation. I think sometimes there can be an earnest motivation to make others feel better (or just to see the best in others) that authentically supersedes any priority to assess things in an objective light. This is to say, I believe exaggerated or inaccurate compliments can come from a genuine place without ulterior motives. Accuracy in compliments is something that actually takes a bit of skill, something which requires cultivation, and while it's a skill that I'm personally drawn to in others and appreciate (in fact, as I said, I'd list it as one of my 'needs'), I also recognize that others don't particularly need the same degree of accuracy. There are little details that reveal whether a person is issuing compliments out of kindness or strategy (Powehi outlined many of them), and yes, when it consistently seems a person is issuing them out of actual kindness I even find it a bit humbling (even if I can't handle exposing myself to a whole lot of it because I do have a threshold for inaccurate compliments - I recognize it's my threshold, not their shortcoming, causing my agitation).

I have seen people who hesitate to say anything uncritical, considering it unfair or perhaps even excessively harsh, however gently they try to deliver it. Can you say more about giving compliments out of insecurity? How do you think complimenting others can make the giver feel more secure?

I think the security that it brings has to do with identity; if they can 'see past' the problematic behavior and focus on something positive, they get to feel secure in the notion that they're a benevolent person who sees the good in others. But the part I find grating is that it can enable problematic behavior. For example, in a work environment, maybe "Stan" is a fellow department head who needs other people to do things his way and is totally unapproachable about it (like his reaction to being told to let other people do a thing in their own way is SO strong that it's easier to just cave and do things his way, and pretend the consensus agrees). While I personally always keep in mind that we all do the best we can with what we know, I also know that sometimes "what we know" needs to expand for some people to get along with others; someone with reaction formation ("James") might feel like they aren't accepting Stan for who he is if they hold on to the idea that his behavior is unacceptable, and there will be an exaggerated focus on whatever positive thing Stan brings to the group (in attempt to) to drown out whatever negative is being stirred up by the bad behavior. It might work for James (i.e. it might effectively block the problematic behavior from their perception), and it almost certainly placates Stan to hear an emphasis on whatever positive thing he brings to the group *and* a dismissal of how problematic his behavior is, but it's stifling and dismissive to everyone else who has to continue to deal with the problematic behavior that James is enabling. (The compliments that James is giving Stan might even be relatively accurate, but if they are given at a precise moment to distract from an underlying issue then it's a problem. And I wouldn't even say it's "not genuine" on James' part to issue the compliments, because he sees it as true and he's just trying to be a benevolent person; in such cases a person can't see the forest from the trees and doesn't realize they're enabling a power imbalance.)

 

[Z Buck McFate]

It feels a bit disingenuous to post in this thread about having high standards for accuracy in compliments if I didn't also admit I have a soft spot for elderly people and kids, and I will issue compliments I didn't exactly screen for authenticity if it makes their day.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I knew a lady, an ESFP I think, who was very cheerful and gave a lot of detailed, specific compliments. She complimented me on this shade of my skin once. I admired her for always bringing sunshine. I think she enjoyed feeling excited and seeing positive things, making people feel good. My mother was like that too and I have been sometimes, but got some weird results once, so I've backed off a bit. It can feel good in the moment. That mentality is not, 'what traits or actions truly deserve merit among all possible traits or actions" in a judgment/evaluative sort of way, but more "what in this moment or person is beautiful or good?".

 

[Schrödinger's Name]

What is a "compliment in disguise"? If brevity is the soul of wit, then perhaps rarity is the soul of compliments.

Rather an 'indirect' compliment- something that may not immediately be recognized as a compliment. I can't think of an example to explain what I mean. But since I am generally awkward with the whole exchange of giving a direct compliment and the person saying "thank you" followed by the end of the conversation... I'd rather have a conversation with someone and through the lines I will show my appreciation for them.

I just thought of something but I am not sure if it can be even be accounted as a 'compliment' (though the thread title is 'nice things', so maybe this counts as being nice). My way of 'complimenting' someone is rather showing interest in things they enjoy/are good at; asking about their experience, what they like about it, what it means to them etc, how they did it (if it's in regard to something they made like art par example; ask them which techniques they used). I prefer to give compliments when I can add more than 'Wow that looks nice!' Even though it's genuine, it feels 'wrong'. I think they deserve more than a simple 'that looks nice'. I will try to give them a more thoughtful response- say what I like about it and why. (Though I admit that I sometimes do give 'shallow compliments' and I end up feeling bad about it because I know the person may doubt the genuineness of the compliment.)

In the regard of saying 'thank you', lately I have developed more of an 'aversion' towards both saying and receiving it (when it comes to direct compliments). When I give someone a compliment there's no reason for them to thank me- it almost makes it look as if I expect something in return because I said something nice to them. (But this is probably again because I am uncomfortable with compliments and the 'thank you' puts emphasis on it being a compliment.)

But I generally don't give fake compliments. I might give a white lie if it's only going to be helpful and not hurtful (like telling someone that the pizza they accidentally left in the oven too long isn't that bad - what's the point in getting critical then, if they already feel bad? And it's not a big deal?)

I personally don't see the purpose of white lies or how it's beneficial (or okay, I can see how it's beneficial for some people). How is being honest the same as getting critical?
One might as well just admit that the pizza has indeed been in the oven for too long- but as long as there's no black matter growing all over it we'll be fine. Who cares, everyone makes mistakes and we move on. I'd rather not make things 'prettier' than they are, accept that not everything is perfect and that it's nothing to feel bad about.

It would personally annoy me more that someone is trying to 'refute'/deny the truth (though then again whether you like pizza that's been in the oven for too long is subjective). That doesn't mean you have to point it out but if the person says something about it themself; they know. It's most of the time (in my eyes) obvious when someone is trying to 'coddle' and isn't being completely honest. In most situations it'll get on my nerves because I have a knee-jerk reaction to prove the person wrong.
But this is just my personal preference of course. Maybe some people prefer to receive a white lie (even though they know it's not true- or maybe some people genuinely believe it. I always had the idea that everyone can in some way see through white lies but I could be wrong.)

When is the time for criticism? That seems like the best question. Much of the time, it's not needed and isn't going to be helpful. I think it's best if given kindly, is helpful, and is actually going to make a significant positive difference; or if it's directly asked for; or if it's a professional setting where it's expected.

Criticism is a negatively loaded term. I'd say that thoughtful feedback is extremely useful (and to me important in order to be able to grow as a person).
Then again- feedback is not always wanted/needed and highly depends on the situation. As an example of someone sending me a drawing they are working on with the message 'something is a bit off'. They are in my eyes, welcome to feedback and I will tell them how I think they can improve their drawing (and I will most of the time also point out what's good). The person was happy with the feedback- it made their drawing look better and I was happy to be able to help. What would have been the use of saying 'No it looks just fine' when it does in fact not- and the person knows it doesn't? Since they were not directly asking me for feedback- but I read between the lines that they were open for it.