Part of the reason I keep posting in this thread is to help others while also helping myself by seeking feedback.
My infj girlfriend became more unhealthy than I thought. The biggest problem or challenge is the narcissism. If any of you are familiar with the enneagram, she is a 4w3. And, she has been functioning in lower levels of 3, the narcissistic type. If anyone has any feedback/advice/help from experience, it'd be welcomed. I'm afraid of low level narcissists because I know they are capable of going/sinking as low as possible to get what they want. So, I've been in a patient, agonizing holding pattern. However, to most other non infj types, 5 months of vanishing into thin air without a trace an without warning, is unacceptable behavior.
It's okay to be unique, different, romantic, artistic, and all of those wonderful things as long as you live your life within reasonable boundaries and communication. When infj's stop checking in, their imaginations run wild with worst case scenarios sometimes. What she doesn't understand is that despite her actions, I won't abandon her in life. I don't she she realizes that because of a low level narcissistic phase. Right now she is trying to keep up her image to our friends and the world in another country. She knows that I have the ability to expose a lot of her actions. What she doesn't understand is that I'm interested in a win/win scenario for both of us, however that may be. She is forcing animosity and conflict when it isn't necessary.
My crime was putting limits on her financially. Under great stress she can be low level infj or low level 4w3 and impulsively be lavishly self-indulgent. Much of the time this was not a problem. But the long distance, isolation, having to rough it until our new home was built, etc...piled up on her and the stress became too much. She hid most of this from me until it was too late. I'm observant and I recognized some of this. But I never thought it would come to this. My other crime was contacting 3rd parties when she vanished to see what they heck happened to her. Was she alive? Etc...I don't regret doing either thing.
For me, she went from a healthy, once in a while average functioning infj/4w3 to lower levels. It's not the first time in her life she's done this. However it is with me. She became fearful of keeping a certain unreachable image at all times, instead of just being herself. She is loved and valued in her home country as someone who came to the states to make it and be successful and who has come back to revered by others and for others to look up to...but her problem is despite being able to be a salt of the earth infj, at other times, it's very important for her to keep that image that she is somehow better than others. Narcissism. She goes back and forth with this. It was all manageable within reason. ...but the stress got to be too much for her. She started to engage in way too much unrealistic financial self indulgence. She started to become jealous of others, even our friends.
Please don't think I'm some perfect person, but this is the infj board and thread. I could have done some things better and differently too. But overall we both treated each other well much of the time. I really believe the temporary isolation started to take its toll on her. The long distance. The irrational fears then started.
I can't seem to help her out of the self-indulgent hostile phase. She's gone from depressed isolation back to frantically covering mistakes and maintaining a false image. I've given her a lot of time, 5 months, patience, loving support from a distance. Nothing.
If she would listen, we could work out peaceful solutions and help one another. Nope. Her narcissism is a brick wall right now. She's so afraid that others will see that underneath her inflated image, that she isn't so great. The problem is she is great and they'd all love her if she had nothing in life. I'm trying to save her from herself. But she seems destined for trying to destroy me with misplaced childhood anger. She had a tough, abusive mother who never loved her for herself. She has always portrayed herself as a victim in life. The problem with that of course is that you are what you belive you are...and you'll suffer through life if you want to portray yourself as a permanent victim. At some point you aren't.
Sadly, it appears this situation is going to become a legal, financial situation when it didn't need to be. I've waited 5 months and 5 months may seem like 5 minutes to a self indulgent lower functioning infj, but it's not to everyone else. The sad thing is she happily could have lived in the new house, happily could have continued daily love and support from me, the one person who knows all of her mistakes, flaws, problems, along with her many, many positive qualities and accomplishments, and would always be there for her. Even the most understanding of people have limits.
We'll see how it goes in person. The phone call lasted less than 25 seconds. The only thing she said was that I will eventually get my money. I never even mentioned money. She volunteered it. This shows she knows that in order to keep up her image, she knows she was willing to turn her back on me to do it. I called to tell her I loved her, that she is my best friend, that it's okay, that I'd help her get the help she needs, that I'd be happy to work with her together on an every day communicating basis so that we both can be mutually happy, whatever that may be. Instead, she just said that I'll get my money, click. Without checking in, she wrongly assumed I'd be hostile, etc...I hope any infj reading this understands what harm they do to themselves when door slamming others. It is very rarely a good idea.
I still think I can find a way to reach her better in person. I'm hoping she will just be tired, and break down and communicate peacefully. It takes a lot of energy to be hostile. At some point when the other person isn't hostile back, perhaps she'll realize it's in her best interest to have me in her corner. If not, I will have to proceed legally and give her the animosity that she wrongly thinks she wants. Nobody wins. I'm a positive person, my Entp/Enfp. I've already figured out, worked on and improved areas of myself that would help the situation.
I just need to find a way to help her out of a low average to low level of narcissism. I find it frightening to be around...way past the average infj walk on egg shells.