[INFJ] When an INFJ doorslams you / cuts you out of their life / breaks off contact

[Vasilisa]

I love beating men

...To the door so I can slam it shut on them

http://www.typologycentral.com/forums/showthread.php?t=54611

 

[Reverie]

It isn't about leaving, it's about how you leave.

I know that very well. What I'm saying is that people tend to be real &%%&%s when it comes to leaving. Few do it with any grace. I haven't. What I' saying is I'm lucky enough to have been dumped a few times so I know this leaving without explanation or "fair warning" can come from any type. I've never dated any INFJs and I've been ditched in really insensitive ways. Via text message for example. So...you know... Why isolate INFJs in particular when many types are guilty of the same kind of behavior.

If you are in a close every day relationship with someone, do you have the courage and reapect for the other person to meet with that person before disappearing? Ay least some of the time a door slammer door slams for wrong reasons or impulsively.

It isn't all about you. Relationships of all kinds are about two people.

I don't know. Ask my ex-fiancee. Ask the ESTP guy whose parents let me know he'd ran off to Europe when I called him about what time was our date. S%&t happens.

If I meet someone new and we go out once or a few times and I am not intersted, I tell the other person, especially when i think they are interested. I don't just ignore them so they get a hint. That's ridiculous. It's passive aggressive, unclear, and self absorbed. Courage, respect, human decency.

Well..the ones who didn't call me weren't INFJs...

Some infj's think they are clear when they aren't. Some assume the other person knows what's bothering you when they don't. And when they don't some infj's are upset that the non infj couldn't read their mind. This is some not all. But it happens. Therefore a better communication approach is desired and would be more effective for all.

Maybe that person doesn't trust you either, especially after a door slam. Why not tell the person i don't trust you, and why. Have a dialogue for clarity.

Look. I'm sorry you had such a terrible relationship but this is just generally relating to the INFJs just run off into the night without a peep and "the other person not having a clue". Some people just don't listen: My ENTP ex, a month after we broke up asked me "Why...it wasn't going so bad...why out of the blue?" I almost choked him there and then. I'd told him time and again " You keep talking down to me, belittling me in company and being an insensitive butt to me for much longer and I'll be forced to leave. I swear I love you but I'll not put up with it any longer" I literally had the conversation with him a hundred times, escalating to me actually screaming and rubbing his dinner plate to the kitchen window yelling "This is the last warning!!!". Then I left a week later cause I'd had it. So he asks me why out of the blue. Was I being somehow subtle? Some people don't want to see the signs, even if it's hurling a chicken leg at you. I'm not particularly proud of my behavior but I still wouldn't call it very indiscreet.

 

[Reverie]

Yah... I guess I'm just not all that big on these kinds of type descriptions. I believe they are often misleading...and may, in fact, cause some individuals to come to inaccurate conclusions about themselves (positive and negative). But that's just me.

What's weird about 'me and the doorslam'...is that I'm not even against it! Seriously! Even after having my life terribly effected by one. I don't want Mane and BalanceFind to come after me here...but outside of a variety of criminal behaviors...I am a firm believer in...'People gotta do what people gotta do'. I just feel uncomfortable when others start to imply that an INFJ might doorslam because they are 'seers' of sorts. (and so here we will just disagree which is cool).

PS. I'm fairly sure my INFJ believed he was a 'seer'. But he was always wrong. I was actually the individual that could nail down exactly what was going on in a interpersonal/social situation. Likewise...I can't act or mimic worth shit. But man...my INFJ...he could have been an Acadamy Award receipent had he gone in that direction!!!

Well the mimicking was implied by neurological research and ENFPs careers often cite actor as one option. Hell, mine says I could be a nun...a cussing rum drinking nun maybe. If there are monasteries for those I'm game... ;D I wouldn't go as far as to say that all INFJs read all social situations wrong. I can easily spot peoples' motives. I think I'm generally pretty perceptive. If someone's immature and act accordingly that's what they are, but I think INFJs are "seers" in the way that INTJs are "seers". We're good at making predictions. And that is implied by neurological research. Those areas of the brain that are used for predicting future outcome are the ones INFJs and INTJs use well. ESTPs are good at risk assessment. Do they always win? No. but I get what you mean: If you read INFJs are good at foreseeing events and run off to buy a "Professional Psychic" sign you might run into "unforeseen" trouble. Or if someone reads the INFJ description and thinks we're all kind sunshine and rainbow bunnies. I'm not. ...well maybe a little. (don't tell anyone)

 

[AphroditeGoneAwry]

I beg someone--anyone--to put this thread out of its misery.

 

[BalanceFind]

Yah... I guess I'm just not all that big on these kinds of type descriptions. I believe they are often misleading...and may, in fact, cause some individuals to come to inaccurate conclusions about themselves (positive and negative). But that's just me.

What's weird about 'me and the doorslam'...is that I'm not even against it! Seriously! Even after having my life terribly effected by one. I don't want Mane and BalanceFind to come after me here...but outside of a variety of criminal behaviors...I am a firm believer in...'People gotta do what people gotta do'. I just feel uncomfortable when others start to imply that an INFJ might doorslam because they are 'seers' of sorts. (and so here we will just disagree which is cool).

PS. I'm fairly sure my INFJ believed he was a 'seer'. But he was always wrong. I was actually the individual that could nail down exactly what was going on in a interpersonal/social situation. Likewise...I can't act or mimic worth shit. But man...my INFJ...he could have been an Acadamy Award receipent had he gone in that direction!!!

I am all for people doing what they gotta do relative to basic responsibilty to a situation. It isn't tough to tell someone you are moving on without them and why, so that both people are clear on facts. If there are major loose ends, that person does not get to move on as they wish. Those things don't take care of themselves.

I'm not very passive aggressive in general but I get it and can accept it part of the time. But no not when leaving a relationship, no.

 

[BalanceFind]

Well the mimicking was implied by neurological research and ENFPs careers often cite actor as one option. Hell, mine says I could be a nun...a cussing rum drinking nun maybe. If there are monasteries for those I'm game... ;D I wouldn't go as far as to say that all INFJs read all social situations wrong. I can easily spot peoples' motives. I think I'm generally pretty perceptive. If someone's immature and act accordingly that's what they are, but I think INFJs are "seers" in the way that INTJs are "seers". We're good at making predictions. And that is implied by neurological research. Those areas of the brain that are used for predicting future outcome are the ones INFJs and INTJs use well. ESTPs are good at risk assessment. Do they always win? No. but I get what you mean: If you read INFJs are good at foreseeing events and run off to buy a "Professional Psychic" sign you might run into "unforeseen" trouble. Or if someone reads the INFJ description and thinks we're all kind sunshine and rainbow bunnies. I'm not. ...well maybe a little. (don't tell anyone)

Estp's aren't always right, nor infj's nor anybody else.

An infj can for example be correct and predict correctly, great. But it isn't difficult to speak up and say I don't think this is going to work out an why. The infj may have incorrect info and may be making a big mistake or may be very accurate. All it takes is one in person conversation. That isn't all that much for anyone of any type. I'm well aware it doesn't happen with many people of different types. But that doesn't make it right or good or something I'd do.

In my opinion there is way too much potential for errors of fact that could and would change the situation.

 

[Society]

[MENTION=15291]I was really just trying to make a point that INFJs don't go around habitually breaking off with people whenever there's a minor problem, without giving them explanations.

i'm not saying that they do, its not the lack of justifications, like i said, its willful ignorance - not being being willing to listen the other side - that i have a hard time respecting.

but if you go at it from the other directionand read into most of the INFJ doorslam stories described from the doorslammed point of view, there is a very large noticeable commonality - feeling that the INFJ has being crueler to them prior to them to cruelty the INFJ judges them for (sometimes even for the same actions), and i think there's a very simple crux point : when someone is being mean to you by telling you that your doing something hurtful, do you look to judge yourself, or do you judge them for saying it.

its seems to be the later choice that the respective INFJs in the stories - including my own - take, and the critical point in what leads to those doorslam. and its there are certainly a few INFJs who have demonstrated making the same choice here, but not all, and its an easy to recognize crux point. just being aware of it... stopping to think "wait, i'm killing the messenger but i'm kind of proving the message", having it as a redflag that you need to stop whatever you are doing and take that space you guys use to do your energy-collecting thing... at least most of those kind of doorslams could be avoided.

next INFJ mystery: what really is happening when an INFJ goes to the other room to take some space after a fight, and are their toys involved...

 

[Reverie]

Estp's aren't always right, nor infj's nor anybody else.

An infj can for example be correct and predict correctly, great. But it isn't difficult to speak up and say I don't think this is going to work out an why. The infj may have incorrect info and may be making a big mistake or may be very accurate. All it takes is one in person conversation. That isn't all that much for anyone of any type. I'm well aware it doesn't happen with many people of different types. But that doesn't make it right or good or something I'd do.

In my opinion there is way too much potential for errors of fact that could and would change the situation.

But what I'm saying what I think is not at all accurate is this idea of INFJs dodging having a conversation. I'm an INFJ and as I said I get along well with all my "significant" exes i.e. the ones I've actually lived with or been very involved with. There was never any "doorslamming" just normal breaking up. No running to the hills. I even get along with the ex who dumped me at the buss stop. So what gives? What's this all about?
I have cut off people out of my life but they had it coming. I'm not the only one who agrees with me: Everyone else thought they acted like real butts and they themselves later apologized cause they acted like butts. What of it? They sure knew I was angry. I actually think astronauts felt the anger waves all the way to space. It was not subtle. So I'm canning this inane sissypants INFJ doorslammer theory.

This thread is really the pits.

 

[BalanceFind]

It still comes down to reading minds. No one can read your mind all or most of the time. The expectation that somehow others are supposed to do this is grandiose egocentric behavior. If the other person is truly special or truly a soul mate they will just be able to read my mind. No. No. And, no.

If you want to understand something more or better, if you want to be heard, you have to take action. you have to initiate action or conversation. Speak up. And, how you do so matters. If a potential infj door slammer said to me that she needed to talk with me, not to me, I would do so every time. I may not agree with what you say and you may not agree with what i say, but the information will be much more clear and certain for both sides. That helps both people.

What is it that you want that you are not getting? If these things are not clearly, rationally expressed in back and forth discussion, the outcome will never be good. It can be good at least part of the time if you speak up.

 

[Reverie]

i'm not saying that they do, its not the lack of justifications, like i said, its willful ignorance - not being being willing to listen the other side - that i have a hard time respecting..

What do you base this notion of not being willing to listen? It's not true. It's a falsehood. It's not how it is. Like us having a dialogue here at the forum, even though I think these claims are rubbish. I'll have a conversation gladly but I'll draw my own conclusions, especially when the presumption is that this is typical INFJ behaviour and I'm an INFJ so it should then ring a bell.. but no.

but if you go at it from the other directionand read into most of the INFJ doorslam stories described from the doorslammed point of view, there is a very large noticeable commonality - feeling that the INFJ has being crueler to them prior to them to cruelty the INFJ judges them for (sometimes even for the same actions), and i think there's a very simple crux point : when someone is being mean to you by telling you that your doing something hurtful, do you look to judge yourself, or do you judge them for saying it.

its seems to be the later choice that the respective INFJs in the stories - including my own - take, and the critical point in what leads to those doorslam. and its there are certainly a few INFJs who have demonstrated making the same choice here, but not all, and its an easy to recognize crux point. just being aware of it... stopping to think "wait, i'm killing the messenger but i'm kind of proving the message", having it as a redflag that you need to stop whatever you are doing and take that space you guys use to do your energy-collecting thing... at least most of those kind of doorslams could be avoided.

next INFJ mystery: what really is happening when an INFJ goes to the other room to take some space after a fight, and are their toys involved...

What? ....
So you're in effect saying that the INFJ is being a butt and then poor innocent other person says "You are being a butt" and this causes the INFJ to get angry because no one can tell tem they're being a butt and to drop off the face of the earth as revenge...or go to a room (????).. I don't know what kind of toys you're talking about...
I've had many people criticize me to my face. If I think it's true I don't mind. If it's something I haven't been aware of I'm actually glad because it's helpful. If it's something about me that they don't like because they think their way is the only way I ignore it, though it's rude and ignorant. (like some super organized person telling me I'm disorganized, or someone who likes money telling me I should get a proper job...it's just useless "advice" or "observation". I'm not too disorganized and I have a great low paying job...see my point )
I don't know what you guys are talking about, really don't.
So I don't think this INFJ doorslam theory has any merit to it.

 

[BalanceFind]

No one is forcing you nor others to read or post in this thread. A more productive way to get this thread to end would be to ignore it, not complain. I hope the thread continues infinitely as long as it is productive and helpful to anyone regarding the topic.

I hadn't experienced a door slam before. My situation included an infj that unexpectedly, shockingly disappeared like a movie into thin air without any warning or hint, after years of a very close daily relationship, and, right before a big positive goal was achieved in our lives.

No conversation, no change in my behavior. I was more than curious as to why. I was also more than interested in settling significant loose ends first. Walk away fine. But first you have to address responsibilities.

My situation is an example of what I consider a door slam. There is nothing acceptable about it.

It isn't the same as no loose ends, or being badly mistreated, or months or years of warning, and no loose ends.

My infj could have disappeared but at same time made sure to tie up loose ends to be responsible at the same time. It is as if she thought everything is on her time, her rules. That just isn't the case. No matter your type, everyone has to follow some basic laws of society.

That isn't the same as not calling for that 2nd date and disappearing, which I still think is gutless by the way but more easily understandable.

 

[Vasilisa]

No one is forcing you nor others to read or post in this thread. A more productive way to get this thread to end would be to ignore it, not complain.

i.e., to doorslam it.

 

[Reverie]

It still comes down to reading minds. No one can read your mind all or most of the time. The expectation that somehow others are supposed to do this is grandiose egocentric behavior. If the other person is truly special or truly a soul mate they will just be able to read my mind. No. No. And, no.

If you want to understand something more or better, if you want to be heard, you have to take action. you have to initiate action or conversation. Speak up. And, how you do so matters. If a potential infj door slammer said to me that she needed to talk with me, not to me, I would do so every time. I may not agree with what you say and you may not agree with what i say, but the information will be much more clear and certain for both sides. That helps both people.

What is it that you want that you are not getting? If these things are not clearly, rationally expressed in back and forth discussion, the outcome will never be good. It can be good at least part of the time if you speak up.

But the thing is I don't have a problem speaking up, so who are you talking about?

No one is forcing you nor others to read or post in this thread. A more productive way to get this thread to end would be to ignore it, not complain. I hope the thread continues infinitely as long as it is productive and helpful to anyone regarding the topic.

I think it goes on and on cause it's offensive and crazy. It's out of control mad unsettling trip to weirdsville. It's like a car crash: You don't want to look but feel compelled to do it anyway.

I hadn't experienced a door slam before. My situation included an infj that unexpectedly, shockingly disappeared like a movie into thin air without any warning or hint, after years of a very close daily relationship, and, right before a big positive goal was achieved in our lives.

No conversation, no change in my behavior. I was more than curious as to why. I was also more than interested in settling significant loose ends first. Walk away fine. But first you have to address responsibilities.

My situation is an example of what I consider a door slam. There is nothing acceptable about it.

It isn't the same as no loose ends, or being badly mistreated, or months or years of warning, and no loose ends.

My infj could have disappeared but at same time made sure to tie up loose ends to be responsible at the same time. It is as if she thought everything is on her time, her rules. That just isn't the case. No matter your type, everyone has to follow some basic laws of society.

That isn't the same as not calling for that 2nd date and disappearing, which I still think is gutless by the way but more easily understandable.

See the thing is this is what happened to you by some person who happened to be an INFJ but I'd seriously take the hint that it's not a behavior that you automatically do if you are INFJ. you are in effect attributing a personality trait of a specific person to all INFJs. It's just so inaccurate. The persona you were with had personal issues that made them act in some unacceptable way. Period. THAT PARTICULAR PERSON...not every single INFJ. Sounds to me this is more of a self-esteem issue than a MBTI type related issue, as I already proved by making a point that people of other types behave this way too.

 

[BalanceFind]

But the thing is I don't have a problem speaking up, so who are you talking about?


I think it goes on and on cause it's offensive and crazy. It's out of control mad unsettling trip to weirdsville. It's like a car crash: You don't want to look but feel compelled to do it anyway.


See the thing is this is what happened to you by some person who happened to be an INFJ but I'd seriously take the hint that it's not a behavior that you automatically do if you are INFJ. you are in effect attributing a personality trait of a specific person to all INFJs. It's just so inaccurate. The persona you were with had personal issues that made them act in some unacceptable way. Period. THAT PARTICULAR PERSON...not every single INFJ. Sounds to me this is more of a self-esteem issue than a MBTI type related issue, as I already proved by making a point that people of other types behave this way too.

You haven't really read my posts very well. I've clearly distinguished between my situation and other situations. I don't agree with you in regard to your opinion that my situation is not an infj issue. It is an infj issue. Door slamming is an infj issue. It isn't only an infj issue, but it's an infj issue. Not all infj's engage in it or in the same way, but yes it exists as an issue for infj types. Enjoy the thread.

 

[SilkRoad]

Maybe that person doesn't trust you either, especially after a door slam. Why not tell the person i don't trust you, and why. Have a dialogue for clarity.

To that I would say a) at that point I don't care if they don't trust me, and b) I don't have the emotional energy - or the emotional room in my life - to have those dialogues with people who my life will be better off without. I truly believe that some people are a waste of space in my life and I might as well not let them waste any more.

That's just my experiences though. I doubt they resemble your experiences to any great extent.

 

[BalanceFind]

To that I would say a) at that point I don't care if they don't trust me, and b) I don't have the emotional energy - or the emotional room in my life - to have those dialogues with people who my life will be better off without. I truly believe that some people are a waste of space in my life and I might as well not let them waste any more.

That's just my experiences though. I doubt they resemble your experiences to any great extent.

It's all about how you leave. Are you clear to the other person? Are you clear in your own mind or just upset and hurt and confused. Is it a rash decision or well discussed on both sides? Are there any loose ends? If so are you going to meet with the other person to clear those up before leaving?

I have no problem with leaving. It's all how one does it. Basic communication in a calm manner? Or angry, frustration? Do you have it together? Your feelings?

If you have the emotional energy to door slam, then you have it to meet with the person in person to tell the person and clear up any loose ends too. I am talking about one time in person one day one conversation back and forth, that's it. If there are any major loose ends then both parties communicate daily as needed until they are cleared up.

 

[Reverie]

You haven't really read my posts very well. I've clearly distinguished between my situation and other situations. I don't agree with you in regard to your opinion that my situation is not an infj issue. It is an infj issue. Door slamming is an infj issue. It isn't only an infj issue, but it's an infj issue. Not all infj's engage in it or in the same way, but yes it exists as an issue for infj types. Enjoy the thread.

So by your own admission it's not true in all situations. Many types do "it". But for some reason you claim it's still specifically an INFJ issue, even if most INFJs don't do it. That makes absolutely no sense.
and INFJs avoid discussing matters even though there's 88 pages of open discussion and debate on something that's basically just rude generalization and that most INFJs don't think they actually even do. Now you couple of people claiming otherwise are still convinced that what you think is true is gospel, despite the fact INFJs for most part don't say they do it, despite the fact other types do it too and despite 88 pages of open debate you still say INFJs as a whole shy away from debate...What was that thing about being open to others' points of view...



Its' really self-esteem issue, not type related. Sorry.

 

[BalanceFind]

So by your own admission it's not true in all situations. Many types do "it". But for some reason you claim it's still specifically an INFJ issue, even if most INFJs don't do it. That makes absolutely no sense.
and INFJs avoid discussing matters even though there's 88 pages of open discussion and debate on something that's basically just rude generalization and that most INFJs don't think they actually even do. Now you couple of people claiming otherwise are still convinced that what you think is true is gospel, despite the fact INFJs for most part don't say they do it, despite the fact other types do it too and despite 88 pages of open debate you still say INFJs as a whole shy away from debate...What was that thing about being open to others' points of view...



Its' really self-esteem issue, not type related. Sorry.

I never said most infj's don't do it. You said that. I don't know the percentages. I do know that I've experienced it and I've seen it frequently in my research, enough where it exists in the eyes and minds of many. I'm not here to debate with anyone, though I am capable of doing so just fine. I am not here to debate whether or not door slamming exists by infj's. The title of the thread afterall is "When," not if, it exists.

I came here to help myself, and, in return to offer mine up to others, as well as exchange discussion back and forth related to the discussion.

You don't need to be sorry. Good luck to you.

 

[Reverie]

I never said most infj's don't do it. You said that. I don't know the percentages. I do know that I've experienced it and I've seen it frequently in my research, enough where it exists in the eyes and minds of many. I'm not here to debate with anyone, though I am capable of doing so just fine. I am not here to debate whether or not door slamming exists by infj's. The title of the thread afterall is "When," not if, it exists.

You don't need to be sorry. Good luck to you.

Well the title of the thread is hardly proof of anything. What research are you referring to? What actual evidence do you have to support your claims, other than some random people saying their EXs don't return their calls and that they happen to be INFJs? The people who I've either had experiences with or have witnessed doing something that could be categorized as a "doorslam" have been several types: ISFJ, ENTJ, ESTJ, ESTP, ENTP, ENFJ...it just goes on and on. I bet you I could think of examples for every type I know. You know... I had an experience where an ESTP friend pulled a really nasty stunt on me but it's not that all ESTPs pull nasty stunts on people. Some do, as do people from all types who are inclined to pull nasty stunts on people. That's all. It's just really prejudiced to go claiming that it's type related. I don't understand how people here can't see that simple fact.


EDIT: Just to be on the safe side: I'm saying I don't "doorslam" people because I don't. I've ended intimate relationships in my adult life, I've decided not to become friends with certain people and if someone's behaved totally unacceptably towards me I've severed contact with them, but those are things any normal person would do. It's not rocket science. There is nothing characteristically different from my behavior to others' in those situations. I've always behaved like a normal human being. This whole doorslam thing is complete BS.
As my ENFP husband says "I know my flaws and I know my positive sides and I don't care if people bitch about me because I KNOW the good outweigh the bad." From personal experience some of the nicest, most considerate people, people who tend to be thought of as kind if you ask anyone that I've met in my work have turned out to be INFJs. I just find it somewhat strange that there are so many negative posts about INFJs on this forum.

 

[BalanceFind]

Well the title of the thread is hardly proof of anything. What research are you referring to? What actual evidence do you have to support your claims, other than some random people saying their EXs don't return their calls and that they happen to be INFJs? The people who I've either had experiences with or have witnessed doing something that could be categorized as a "doorslam" have been several types: ISFJ, ENTJ, ESTJ, ESTP, ENTP, ENFJ...it just goes on and on. I bet you I could think of examples for every type I know. You know... I had an experience where an ESTP friend pulled a really nasty stunt on me but it's not that all ESTPs pull nasty stunts on people. Some do, as do people from all types who are inclined to pull nasty stunts on people. That's all. It's just really prejudiced to go claiming that it's type related. I don't understand how people here can't see that simple fact.

I am not sure what else I can add to our exchange within this thread. You seem determined to debate or prove that door slamming does not exist any more or differently with infj's than anyone else. I have a lot of posts here and you are more than welcome to go back and read them in this thread.

I am not interested in debating or proving whether or not infj's door slam. I believe they do. You don't and/or don't think so in any way different from other types. I don't agree. We can agree to disagree. If you read my posts, I haven't spoken in absolutes. I have been open minded and willing to listen and learn and change opinion with new information. i'm not close minded. I also acknowledged and agreed with the thoughts that not all infj's door slam and some do it differently, and that other types can do it. But I believe that it is a very relevant topic for infj's. I don't believe you are open minded on this topic. I believe your approach is to believe in an absolute and to outwardly challenge others to prove you wrong. It's difficult to have mutually beneficial exchanges with that approach in my opinion. You, I believe are coming from a defensive mindset that infj's are being attacked and defend infj's everywhere. I understand that. But I'm not here to attack you or infj's. I have many flaws as does my type too.

It isn't a game or contest or one up debate for me. It's real life, real specifics. I believe my posts are fair, open minded, with good intentions. That's more than good enough for me. I, nor no one else is telling you what to believe or not to believe. It is not important to me that everyone agrees with me. Sometimes that just isn't going to happen. But instead of door slamming you, I'm answering every one of your posts directed to me. I don't think we are going to agree, and that's fine too.