I may be a little late as well, but this thread is a great topic to expand on. I have been the same way most of my life. I presume it started at childhood. My mother was manic depressive and I would try and predict her next move to not 'rock the boat.' I went to counseling a year ago-for a year-and was diagnosed with hypervigilance. Which basically means I live in flight or fight mode. All of the time. It peaked last year and mentally exhausted me to the point of depression. I had taken personality tests-and at the time registered as INFP, and Enneagram 9. This problem I had with pleasing other people began to affect my marriage. I would even go shopping and buy clothes I thought he would like, without regard to what I liked. Then it came to a head. I was assaulted at work. I was scheduled to work alone 9 hours with a man that had made very explicit comments to me for a solid year. I had complained on him numerous times to the company owner-but would never flat out tell him to fucking quit, and the man had even made comments in front of several other employees who laughed it off, including the owner. I went into work that day-just trying to get through the day and do my job. Then I got attacked in the back kitchen, and had to make a choice. I waited one hour to call the police and make all the customers leave b/c I was scared to make this man angry. But I was angry! Let it be noted that he did have a gun, though.
When I called the police and they came to talk to me, I made the choice to press charges-knowing my personal life would become public, as well as the fact that I would be disappointing a great many people in my small town, as this man was a retired sheriff. But I asked myself this-if I don't protect me, who will? If I don't say what's right for me, who will, and who will even know?
Many people in my life have told me I have insecurity problems, when I tell them things about pleasing other people-not true. I simply do not like to affect other people, especially in any way negative, and I still think the world would be a better place if people moved more in that direction. But I had taken it to an extreme. I also feel that people will be more honest if I am less judgemental. But the avoidance of feeling and opinions cannot be done. If you try and please people, you will build a small hatred inside for these things you never say and do. But that hatred is really toward yourself-although it will feel as though it's toward other people. It will explode in anger or tears, and no one will know where it came from b/c you have put up a facade. How do you expect people to know what you want and like, and who you are? You are the only person that can tell them. And not everyone wants to be 'pleased.' My husband says it scares him when he doesn't know how I feel. He says if I'm angry, at least he knows what's going on, and that I'm not planning to blow him up.
Hope this helps anyone with a similar problem.
