Wanting people to like you (need advice)

[Salomé]

I am disappointed by this thread.
Also, I don't like you.


I think it's related to the fear of Death. Most people feel that they will cease to exist if other people don't appreciate/value/care for them. They are wrong.

It might be because, as Jennifer has suggested, they haven't developed their own ego/boundaries appropriately. So, they can't be certain where their needs end and the needs/requirements of others begin. The whole thing gets blurry.

I think people tried to bully me at school, I didn't even notice at the time. It was a frustrating experience for them. People have tried to bully me at work. I usually manage to get them fired or expose them in other ways. Revenge is sweet.

My advice: Stop fearing Death!
(and change your X to an I)

 

[Vivid]

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

My advice is to actually go with the flow. It's probably a phase. In any case, it's not a good idea to force yourself out of a position that feels natural, even if you know there's something wrong with it (as long as it isn't hurting anyone). The best way to relieve yourself of unwanted behavior is to act out the behavior until you no longer feel the need to be that way.
OR find out exactly what it is that you want and get right to the heart of the matter. Why are you seeking this kind of attention? Were you deprived of it? What kind of options do you have for attaining it?
The basic idea is to satisfy whatever it is your craving. That's what being authentic is all about!

 

[Condor]

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

It seems to me that there is a fundamental flaw in the thought process here with regard to "disappointing other people". How, exactly, can anyone know exactly what another human being wants - especially if the person is trying to be something they're not, in an attempt to please or not ruin a relationship with another person, who is just as likely being something they're not?

Seems like one heck of a house of cards.

My advice - be honest with yourself. I know it sounds trite and been posted all over here, but I believe in it wholeheartedly. I can appreciate your desire to not want to disappoint people (even though I don't ascribe to it), but keep one thing in mind.

Never disappoint yourself. Try to maintain that relationship. If you can't, then does anything else really matter?

 

[ewomack]

Reality is polymorphous, and so are relationships. Some never make any sense whatsoever but nonetheless flourish while others that seem rock solid vaporize in an eye blink. As you surf this strange realm of language and gestures, you're going to disappoint someone. Inevitably. If you don't you're either not being true to yourself or to others. People need to define their own boundaries, which will likely remain somewhat squishy, around good and bad interactions and relationships. Only by using these as a baseline can you ever know if a balance exists between "you" and "them."

I think everyone has experienced some variation on what you describe here. Count me in. After agonizing for some time I had a strange revelation... I said to myself I said "how do I know I have or have not disappointed someone?" Obviously, if they come right out and slam you with the parental line "you disappoint me" then you have your answer. But most relationships on this molten pud don't carry that kind of transparency. Some people will NEVER tell you when they're "upset" with you, even if you prompt them bajillions of times and open the gate so wide the hinges bend. Others disappoint easily (I think we've all met these types of people) and do "disappointing" them doesn't, or shouldn't, reflect back on the alleged disappointer.

In the end, empathy is key. Unfortunately, we don't have empathy switches we can simply flick on when needed. So sometimes we get empathetically sloppy. Human condition stuff. This creative act can help someone find their own boundaries and help to determine others. You really can't do more than that. You will fail. You will succeed. Likely, you'll fail more than you succeed. But we've all been there. Just keep searching for people you fit with and you'll worry a whole lot less about those you don't fit with. The important thing is to take the failures in stride.

 

[GargoylesLegacy]

Wanting people to like you

Actually I used to have this Problem too. I would do Anything to make them like me but all it does it work you up. You lose yourself, don't know anymore who you are in the End. And somewhen I just had to face, that you can't ALL People make like you. This is freaking impossible, even if you would constantly change for Every1.
Seriously, all it does is tear you apart and slowly kill you on the Inside.

Also...I once read a nice Saying:
"I'd rather be hated for who I am, than to be loved for who I am not"

I know, it probably isn't such a good Advice, because I know that it is freaking hard to "just stop" or "take it easier" (also I am not even sure if you would actually want to), but you should keep that in Mind at least. You can't please / satisfy Everybody.
And it is normal to want Attention, Praise and Stuff like that. But you should gotta have an Eye on the Costs for it.

 

[luminous beam]

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

Aw Edhan, I'm sure most of us can relate to what you're saying in some way or another. What I'm getting from all that you've said is that you're insecure and have a fear of being alone and rejected or abandoned. Aside from it being affected by your childhood and social experiences while growing up, the extent of the pressure or expectations you have for yourself could also be affected by your environment.

This may, or may not be correct, but I noticed that you're from Southern California and that just makes me think that fitting in there is very important...having lots of friends and acquaintances, having a social life and being "fabulous" is expected or looked greatly upon.

So with you already being insecure due to past experiences and living in a socially demanding place made you raise your expectations of yourself in regards to having lots of "friends." But in order to maintain that, since you're unsure of yourself, don't want to be alone and fit into your society's norms, your way of making that happen is to be agreeable to everyone you come across to the extent of being fake. Except you don't want to be fake or unauthentic, so rather than just pretend, you've gone to the extent of trying to not even think negative thoughts about others so that the being agreeable part is more genuine.

They're not just insecurities, but you also do sound like you have a good heart and care about others enough that you don't want to hurt or disappoint. Anyway, insecurities can definitely be boiled down to how much you like or dislike yourself...it's been something I'm working on (I think this is why I have a hard time accepting other NFs into my life and why I've surrounded myself with STs, off topic). Here's a site that a friend linked me to that reminded me of what needs to be done and mended to make up for what wasn't provided to you when you needed it. Reparenting

Also your inner critic is usually your harshest critic, and the voice usually coincides with one of our parents. Negativity needs to stop, you must unarm the critic and accept and love yourself. Easier said than done...crazy right?

 

[Snow Turtle]

Oh snap! This thread revealed something new to me. I haven't really seen much solution to it though It seems to be one of those things... You have to realise on an emotional level rather than an intellectual level.

Core beliefs:
- The need to be perfect.

This might sound crazy but looking back on my life. Alot of things come from this belief such as:

- My developed interest in psychology and philosophy.
-- Searching for truth/Ethics/Religion

- Dislike of disappointing others.
- Focus on helping out others.

- The desire for altruism.
- The belief that we should be authentic.

Now this is where the problems start happening.

- Failure leads to feelings of inadaquecy [Perfectionist procrastinators anyone?]
- Self-Value attached to our sense of how well we are doing.
- Avoidance of problems [Ultimately self-sabotaging]
- The problem of desiring authenticity/not being authentic.

If I'm perfect. I'm less likely to be rejected.
My parents would like me to do well. [Interpreted that as desiring perfection]

I want to be loved taken too far perhaps.

 

[Rainman]

Yeah, I tend to not give a toss what people think of me. If they don't like you or have a problem its their problem not yours. As they seem to have a set person who they like or don't and can't flex. I guess the only time when it is your fault is if you start altering your behaviour and personality to fit with others. Don't do that, it's obvious to people. Plus when you're absolutely genuine with everyone, social life is much easier and people gain a natural respect for you.

 

[MrME]

If you run around seeking everybody's approval, eventually somebody's going to recognize it as a weakness and they will exploit it. This could be somebody you just met or it could be somebody you've trusted for years and years. You just don't know.

The need to feel approval from everybody you meet is irrational. Not everybody is worth your precious time, and you need to remember that. When I get pangs of rejection-fear I stop and I ask myself:

"If this person rejects me, will it directly impact my life negatively?"

Aside from possibly not making a new friend, the answer is almost always, "No, the quality of my life will remain right where it is."

It can suck if, you know, you're looking at somebody as a possible mate and they reject you, but still ... "the quality of my life will remain right where it is."

No better off, no worse.

 

[WithoutaFace]

Well Edahn, I am going to say what I think and I hope it helps you in some way. I guess you have to find some way to be less dependent on validation and approval of others. I can recalls some days where I experience similar affect. Most of the time, however, if there is a part of my instinct that is telling me that if I have to TRY to please someone, then it really is not worth my time, we should like each other for who we are. When speaking about intimate relationships however, this concept is a little more difficult to apply for me. I tend to become irrational when attracted/infatuated by another. Therefore, the need to please becomes amplified. But essentially, in the end you just have to lay down the pros and cons and assess whether the other people you are trying to please are worth your time to begin with. Basically what I am trying to say is that complaisance is your enemy here.

That was my opinion and take on the issue, I apologize in advance for any bullshit, doggerel, etc.

 

[Nadir]

I haven't read the whole thread but the title got me to think. I'm going to comment on this in a general way, and the following might be, let's say not very popular, but here you go.

Something I keep on hearing and reading around me and in these sort of forums is the general sentiment of "Who cares what others think? Be happy in your own way!". I contend that while this view has some merit, it has a deep flaw: it antagonizes other people. Simply put, no, you're not going to be very happy if you take that as your mantra. The reason is simple: Deep down, we all have a wish of confirmation, affirmation -- that someone comes along and says, "I relate!". If not this, it is, at the very least, acknowledgment that we seek. I don't care if MBTI says that you're 120% introverted, to be honest, as MBTI, if you haven't noticed by now, serves to feed you this same thing on a platter.

Now this has nothing to do with the affirmation along the lines of "aww *hug* I feel for you!", or "I'm sorry for your loss.". Let's say you have a streak of misanthropy, you dislike other people. Let's say you have a blog where you air your (coherent, intelligent; not blind hate) views. Is this an uncommon scenario? Probably not. If I were to ask you why you blogged, you'd probably answer with something around the "To explore my mind's depths; to voice my thoughts in a purified medium" area. But no, my friends, it's more than that; you blog because you want *someone* to just happen his/her way into the blog, read the tendrils of your mind, and (vocally) agree with you. And even if that someone (vocally) disagrees with you, if you made them think, to consider your idea, then you're successful, you've been acknowledged. You could say that we're all posting here for the same reasons. I know I'll be the first one to admit it.

And this is why the "Don't you mind other people!" advice falls flat. Chances are, no, you can't do that. What you can do is to first try to act genuinely, at least in your understanding of "genuine", and then gauge the reactions, instead of trying it the other way. Trust me, it becomes a whole lot easier if you just act, (I don't mean this as in "improvise the hell out!", as that's a seperate talent, I mean this as in "do not moderate your thoughts preemptively"). Some people will always think you're a fuckwit, but there's a good chance that if you're genuine, someone will eventually pick that up and reward you with the attention and the affirmation you, and all of us with you, crave deep down. And the ultimate reward will be remembrance.

 

[Moiety]

I agree with you Nadir.

Still, "Who cares what others think? Be happy in your own way!" is something that people should bear in mind, even if it's not very effective sometimes, since it's actually easier for others to like you if you already like yourself (confidence). Provided you don't step on their toes too often.

 

[Lady_X]

i care what others think in that i want them to have an accurate picture. i want them to not prejudge or make assumptions and then if we don't get along that's fine as long as it's genuine and accurate. i pretty much have zero desire to be friendly with someone who doesn't appreciate me for who i am.

 

[Amargith]

i care what others think in that i want them to have an accurate picture. i want them to not prejudge or make assumptions and then if we don't get along that's fine as long as it's genuine and accurate. i pretty much have zero desire to be friendly with someone who doesn't appreciate me for who i am.

+1 but too often the people that do not appreciate you, do so coz they don't know you and judge you based on false presumptions. And that's very frustrating, especially as you know they won't accept any explanation. It's a done deal for them. Even worse is when it's a person you yourself respect and look up to.

 

[Biaxident]

I want people to like me, insofar as they have some impact on my personal life. But I try not to put on false fronts. If someone doesn't like me for me, I don't really care to know them either.

On a professional level I would prefer to be respected or feared first. If someone likes me as well, that's fine, but I don't go looking for it.

Oh, as an afterthought, when dealing with a bureaucracy such as the DMV, or other government organization. I put on my fake smile and try to be as friendly as possible. Since all it would take is one wrong keystroke to make my life hell.

 

[Little Linguist]

I haven't read the whole thread but the title got me to think. I'm going to comment on this in a general way, and the following might be, let's say not very popular, but here you go.

Something I keep on hearing and reading around me and in these sort of forums is the general sentiment of "Who cares what others think? Be happy in your own way!". I contend that while this view has some merit, it has a deep flaw: it antagonizes other people. Simply put, no, you're not going to be very happy if you take that as your mantra. The reason is simple: Deep down, we all have a wish of confirmation, affirmation -- that someone comes along and says, "I relate!". If not this, it is, at the very least, acknowledgment that we seek. I don't care if MBTI says that you're 120% introverted, to be honest, as MBTI, if you haven't noticed by now, serves to feed you this same thing on a platter.

Now this has nothing to do with the affirmation along the lines of "aww *hug* I feel for you!", or "I'm sorry for your loss.". Let's say you have a streak of misanthropy, you dislike other people. Let's say you have a blog where you air your (coherent, intelligent; not blind hate) views. Is this an uncommon scenario? Probably not. If I were to ask you why you blogged, you'd probably answer with something around the "To explore my mind's depths; to voice my thoughts in a purified medium" area. But no, my friends, it's more than that; you blog because you want *someone* to just happen his/her way into the blog, read the tendrils of your mind, and (vocally) agree with you. And even if that someone (vocally) disagrees with you, if you made them think, to consider your idea, then you're successful, you've been acknowledged. You could say that we're all posting here for the same reasons. I know I'll be the first one to admit it.

And this is why the "Don't you mind other people!" advice falls flat. Chances are, no, you can't do that. What you can do is to first try to act genuinely, at least in your understanding of "genuine", and then gauge the reactions, instead of trying it the other way. Trust me, it becomes a whole lot easier if you just act, (I don't mean this as in "improvise the hell out!", as that's a seperate talent, I mean this as in "do not moderate your thoughts preemptively"). Some people will always think you're a fuckwit, but there's a good chance that if you're genuine, someone will eventually pick that up and reward you with the attention and the affirmation you, and all of us with you, crave deep down. And the ultimate reward will be remembrance.

I agree - I also find that different cultures react to me differently. More exotic cultures absolutely love me. Germans accept me in a way Americans never have...It's interesting. However, I would not don on a completely false persona just to have friends. On the other hand, it is important to be diplomatic, or else you just make life more difficult for yourself.

 

[riel]

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

Well, I was also in your feet for a loooonngg time, though sometimes I still do that. I really hate to disappoint people because I'm afraid of the possible perceptions that they may make about me. I also was so conscious of my surroundings because I thought that every one I passed by talks about me negatively. And I was afraid of having negative thoughts of people I'm "supposed" to like because bad karma might come to me.

So you're also asking if anyone has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/evaluation.

Had I gotten over this?

Yes(though sometimes I fall prey to it). Remember, NO ONE'S PERFECT(I believe you already know this).

How did I do it?

I accidentally read an article(or was it a psychological study?)that people are not owls on other people("very observant"-watching others' flaws and imperfections) but rather are very conscious only on themselves--of what others will think of them. So that gave me a bit of relief, but not completely. I also realized that not all people say is true; it's up to me to decide whether it's true or not, and if it is(in the case for negative criticisms), then I'll do something to improve it..and not dwell only why I did/have it.

How I understand the need for admiration/evaluation?

Oh, I really want to be admired very much(cough cough). I even play out people-admiring-me scenes inside my head. Like, hey, we have what we call self-worth and whether people like it or not, they derive their self-worth from other people by for example asking, "Does this look good on me?" or "Should I court her?". I just believe that the need for admiration is one of the basic human needs.

 

[Athenian200]

So I have this problem. I hate hate hate disappointing people. I want them to like me and value me and this affects my authenticity and makes me hyperconscious of my surroundings. I monitor myself for thoughts that could lead to lead to disappointment or a rupture in the relationship, and monitor my surroundings for threats to the relationship. I don't even like thinking bad or disappointing thoughts about people I'm "supposed" to like. I'm not sure why I do that, or whether it's even connected. I can't see the connection if there is one. This doesn't just apply to people I know or care about, but strangers. Even a therapist I saw a few times a couple years ago, where I wanted to be an ideal patient, making breakthroughs left and right. It's a big deal in all of my relationships, especially the intimate ones. What's the connection? Am I just trying to avoid them not liking me?

Also, I'd like to know if anyone here has gotten over this, how they did that, and how they understand the need for admiration/valuation. I'm also open to hearing what people think about this, but please, no type talk (if you're going to address your comments to me only). If you want to share that you do this but have no advice, that's cool.

I think I might do something similar. I don't like disappointing people either, so I usually try to get them to lower their expectations of me, or ignore me as much as possible. If I make sure everyone is unaware of me, or expects nothing of me, I can't possibly disappoint them.

Basically, I'm terrified of being expected to do well at something consistently, because I know I might make mistakes and people will get mad. So I just try to set things up so no one expects anything of me. The worst is when I feign confusion or ignorance to get out of it. I always feel the guiltiest for that trick later, although the other ones don't sit on my conscience.

EDIT: Oh, I didn't see the date on this, or the length of the thread. :blushing: Sorry.

 

[BrokenSticks]

Jennifer, Zil, Wedekit- you have also had some great posts here that I can relate to.
This has been a very fascinating discussion. I don't care how long it is, I read the whole thing. Damn good posts, everyone.

toonia said: "People reject and fear what they do not understand." and "I end up finding people confusing and wish i could understand more... at least allows me to make sense of their experience and find a way to connect or share in it."

This relates to what I want to say about my need to please everyone. I suppose my reasons/thinking go like this:

"If I make them like me and go out of my way to please them, I will stay on their "good side" and therefore they will (most likely) not hurt me in some way."

I think it comes from my feeling of disconnection with the rest of humanity. It's a deep-down, didn't-even-realize-I-had-it-for-years severe distrust of others (I actually used to think I was too trusting -Ha!). -I am afraid to let them see the real me. I hold myself back, afraid to be extremely emotionally vulnerable and have them end up hurting me.

For those of you interested in people's motivations for such behaviors, here's my background:
Growing up I had a very angry, controlling parent (anything could set them off) and I could never seem to do anything 'right'. It was confusing and hurt. Having the person who is the most god-like to you at that age treat you so badly and never knowing what you've done wrong (or when you did it) makes you believe irrationally (even though you know better) that *you* are always wrong or not good enough, in every way. It's hard to connect with people when you don't trust anyone deep down, because you think they could hurt you or their behavior/mood could turn on a dime at any moment.

As an adult, I often do not think I am worthy of their love/respect/admiration. The distrust remains, and I do not let myself get *really* close to others. Keeping the people I respect/admire/love pleased is a way I get around not showing them who I really am, for fear that they will hurt me (by rejection/ridicule, mostly).

Wow, I think I just said waaay too much about myself. Anyway, I know it's stupid, and I'm trying to work on opening up to others. Which means more saying 'no', speaking my mind and standing my ground, lonely though I fear it may be afterward.

I would rather be my true self and, as unbelieveable as it is to me, trust, trust, trust that there's got to be *someone* out there that will accept that and won't screw me over or stab me in the heart repeatedly.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

It's about balance. You can't just say "fuck everyone. I'm doing my own thing." That makes you an asshole. But what you can do is question your actions/behaviors beforehand. Am I doing this just to please said person? Or is this something that I won't budge on because of blah, blah. Basically, know yourself. Know your limits. This comes with experience. You're going to make mistakes in life. But learning from those mistakes is what makes a person well rounded.

I know exactly the place you're in because you are xNTP, I think? Basically, it's a good thing because you're reaching out to others...which doesn't come naturally for NT's. Question is: how much do you reach out without losing yourself...very tough! I'd say treat others how you'd like to be treated and judge the rest on a case by case basis. Not everyone will like you. And that's a hard thing to deal with. But you probably don't like everyone you meet either! But as long as you're true to yourself and treat others respectfully, even though you don't get along...you're good as gold and the stronger person for it!