[Type 6] Type 6s - What type are you drawn to?

[highlander]

Type 6s - What type are you drawn to? What is it that draws you to them?

 

[skylights]

drawn to
9 - they make me feel calm and accepted, especially when they're grounded
5 - fascinating quiet thinkers, can learn a lot from them
2 - warm, generous, affirming, though can be pushy

neutral
7 - can be very fun and wonderful to be around but hard to sustain a longer friendship with because the push for excitement can carry them off before the safety net is in place
3 - positive and hardworking, and it's satisfying to get to know the person beyond the shell, but can be obnoxious
6 - good when calm but i have to get away from them when they're worked up or i'll get worked up too

harder
1 - high expectations can be very stressful, and leave me feeling like i am always letting them down
4 - i'm very adamant about equality and the 4 need to be different can clash with my desire for everyone to be on the same level
8 - the confrontation often immediately sets me on the defense


and of course health levels of the types generally have more to do with it than the types themselves

 

[EJCC]

1 - high expectations can be very stressful, and leave me feeling like i am always letting them down

Not to get this off topic, but I've heard this from several of my friends irl, and it surprised me at the time because I never intended to intimidate people like that. Is there anything that Ones can do, to ease that perceived pressure on others?

 

[skylights]

Not to get this off topic, but I've heard this from several of my friends irl, and it surprised me at the time because I never intended to intimidate people like that. Is there anything that Ones can do, to ease that perceived pressure on others?

yes, definitely - framing your high standards as a "mission" or a goal as opposed to an expectation is a huge improvement. i had a 1 director who was very good about this, and she's probably the best boss i have ever had. it allows me to work towards the ideal, which i am all for, instead of feeling like i have already fallen behind, along with the guilt and defensiveness that accompany that. where you direct your focus can also have a big impact - if you're always trying to improve yourself and your conditions, i'm pretty much automatically going to follow your lead and try to improve myself, too - whereas if you're criticizing others, that just makes me uncomfortable and upset. you vibe quite open and understanding to me online, so i have a hard time seeing you having trouble with this!

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

8w9 is a really good match. We both aren't intimidated by each other. We communicate similarly. Their 9 wing is calming. We're flip sides of the same coin but in a compatible way.
I generally like 7's a lot. 3's are good too.

 

[highlander]

drawn to
9 - they make me feel calm and accepted, especially when they're grounded
5 - fascinating quiet thinkers, can learn a lot from them
2 - warm, generous, affirming, though can be pushy

neutral
7 - can be very fun and wonderful to be around but hard to sustain a longer friendship with because the push for excitement can carry them off before the safety net is in place
3 - positive and hardworking, and it's satisfying to get to know the person beyond the shell, but can be obnoxious
6 - good when calm but i have to get away from them when they're worked up or i'll get worked up too

harder
1 - high expectations can be very stressful, and leave me feeling like i am always letting them down
4 - i'm very adamant about equality and the 4 need to be different can clash with my desire for everyone to be on the same level
8 - the confrontation often immediately sets me on the defense


and of course health levels of the types generally have more to do with it than the types themselves

These are very thoughtful descriptions. I think I agree with all of those - especially 9, 3, 8, 6, 4 and 1s.

 

[EJCC]

yes, definitely - framing your high standards as a "mission" or a goal as opposed to an expectation is a huge improvement. i had a 1 director who was very good about this, and she's probably the best boss i have ever had. it allows me to work towards the ideal, which i am all for, instead of feeling like i have already fallen behind, along with the guilt and defensiveness that accompany that. where you direct your focus can also have a big impact - if you're always trying to improve yourself and your conditions, i'm pretty much automatically going to follow your lead and try to improve myself, too - whereas if you're criticizing others, that just makes me uncomfortable and upset. you vibe quite open and understanding to me online, so i have a hard time seeing you having trouble with this!

Thanks for this post. I don't think I have trouble with it, with most people. At least, I don't think I do, and I try very hard to be open-minded, when it's not necessarily my instinct to be like that.

I wonder if it's only a problem with my friends. It would make sense if that were the case, since anyone who becomes a close friend of mine is likely aware that they're part of a very select group. Plus, they will likely have heard me rant about things that are imperfect and impossible to fix, or they will have heard me vent my frustration at my own behavior. Maybe they see that and start to worry that I'm judging them with the same severity that I judge myself, and then don't believe me when I say I don't, because if they didn't know how high my standards were from the outset, then maybe I'm hiding something else?

If you're close friends with any Ones, is this something that resonates with you? Something that's a big enough problem to need a fix of some kind? Or something that the One's friends just need to put up with?

 

[OrangeAppled]

4 - i'm very adamant about equality and the 4 need to be different can clash with my desire for everyone to be on the same level

4s don't "need" to be different, and certainly don't try to be (rather, it's often painful & alienating & envy is directed at those who appear effortlessly "normal"), but this is a common misconception. I'm not sure why everyone must be the "same" to be on equal levels though... but that's another topic.

 

[Orangey]

Drawn to:

5 - They're low key and analytical, it helps if they have a 4 wing and not a 6 wing (4 wing makes them mysterious and interesting, 6 wing makes them paranoid assholes.)
4 - I have a love/hate relationship with this type, but for the most part I'm drawn to their mysteriousness (well, it seems mysterious to me) and emotionality.
8 - They have a propensity for assholery, but they're fun and straightforward for the most part.

Neutral:

1 - A bit judgey, but I can get along with them because they're straightforward and rigid. The 2 wing gives them a bit of a hypocritical streak, though.
2 - They're nice, and I know so many of them, but they can be annoying and needy, especially with a 3 wing.
9 - Too passive aggressive and too generally dull to make up for it. I don't understand them, but since they mind their own business for the most part it's not a big deal.

Not Drawn to:

6 - Too much like me for me to like, even with the 7 wing.
7 - Fucking annoying. They may be smart, but they appear to have the brain of a squirrel.
3 - This is quite possibly the (IMO) most heinous type of the enneagram. I fundamentally despise their type of "ambition" and the amount of attention/neediness they have.

 

[highlander]

Drawn to:

5 - They're low key and analytical, it helps if they have a 4 wing and not a 6 wing (4 wing makes them mysterious and interesting, 6 wing makes them paranoid assholes.)
4 - I have a love/hate relationship with this type, but for the most part I'm drawn to their mysteriousness (well, it seems mysterious to me) and emotionality.
8 - They have a propensity for assholery, but they're fun and straightforward for the most part.

Neutral:

1 - A bit judgey, but I can get along with them because they're straightforward and rigid. The 2 wing gives them a bit of a hypocritical streak, though.
2 - They're nice, and I know so many of them, but they can be annoying and needy, especially with a 3 wing.
9 - Too passive aggressive and too generally dull to make up for it. I don't understand them, but since they mind their own business for the most part it's not a big deal.

Not Drawn to:

6 - Too much like me for me to like, even with the 7 wing.
7 - Fucking annoying. They may be smart, but they appear to have the brain of a squirrel.
3 - This is quite possibly the (IMO) most heinous type of the enneagram. I fundamentally despise their type of "ambition" and the amount of attention/neediness they have.

Are you sure you are a 6?

 

[Randomnity]

I don't really have a preferred enneatype. I tend to like people who are more similar to me, I guess, but at least theoretically they could have very different enneatypes.

I tend to dislike very high-strung/emotional/uptight/angry people and much prefer calm people, but I'm not sure this really correlates with type.

 

[Orangey]

Are you sure you are a 6?

Are you sure you're a 6?

 

[highlander]

Are you sure you're a 6?

Yes I am actually. I thought I was an 8 but was professionally tested and it turns out counter-phobic 6 appears to be a better match.

The reason I ask is that the types you appear to be drawn to don't match up with some of the statistics.

 

[Orangey]

Yes I am actually. I thought I was an 8 but was professionally tested and it turns out counter-phobic 6 appears to be a better match.

The reason I ask is that the types you appear to be drawn to don't match up with some of the statistics.

What statistics?

 

[highlander]

What statistics?

How about these:

http://www.9types.com/writeup/enneagram_marriages.html

 

[skylights]

If you're close friends with any Ones, is this something that resonates with you? Something that's a big enough problem to need a fix of some kind? Or something that the One's friends just need to put up with?

I wish I could help more, but I'm not really close with any 1s right now. The best I can do is to reflect on my old boss and my grandma, who I believe to be a 1w2. With both of them - and I believe both of them are SJs - it was most evident in their daily nitpicks. My boss had a thing for the dang doorstop being in the "right" place, and my grandma is pretty specific about where things should go, how to do certain procedures, etc. I have fuzzy memory on most of my grandma's specifics, and I could never really figure out the perfect doorstep alignment. Unfortunately it seems like the NFP mind is particularly poorly-suited to these things. I think my feelings would generally vacillate between gentle amusement, slight guilt, minor frustration, and finally pondering why the heck the "right thing" is (this) instead of (that). I think the biggest issue for me was dealing with the standards when I was under stress. Most of the time, it's no problem, and I think the 1 standards are useful in helping everyone - so no, no big fixes, unless you're getting a significant amount of negative feedback about a particular thing. However, if I'm stressed already, then it would be really appreciated for a 1 to kind of suspend the standards for me for a bit, and to just try to be a little gentler around me in general about the "rightness" of things. And if there's something that really needs to be changed, a specific tasklist with blatant directions ("hey would you help me out with this?") is much preferable to intermittent reminders ("hey did you remember what I asked?").

4s don't "need" to be different, and certainly don't try to be (rather, it's often painful & alienating & envy is directed at those who appear effortlessly "normal"), but this is a common misconception.

Hm, okay. This being a thread asking the opinion of 6s, I was voicing my opinion - not attempting to state a fact - about my feelings on 4s. My wording was a brief summation of my emotional response and not meant to be taken as literal analysis of the type. I phrased it as "need" because all of our enneatypes describe defense mechanisms that we feel like we need to engage to feel protected. According to all I have read, 4s feel like they need to be unique to protect themselves from feeling like they are without identity and without significance. Whether conscious or not, as far as I understand, it is not a misconception that 4s think this way, since that is the definition of 4ness.

That said, I readily admit that 4 is probably the enneatype I struggle most to understand, and I certainly have trouble seeing it from an "insider" perspective. Weird to say, since I once thought I was a 4 myself! To me it seems like the self-identified 4s I know tend to do a fair amount of attention-seeking and attempting to set themselves apart from others. Several of the 4s I know tend to have periodic personal meltdowns and be rather public about them. Many often seem to post negative and/or attention-seeking statuses on Facebook, which strike me as passive-aggressive and frustrating. I like these people to varying degrees; it's not like I harbor a particular resentment towards them for their viewpoints. I just find it difficult to understand them and to interact with them in when they are under stress given their defense mechanisms, which I feel is particularly linked to me being a 6 and one of my own defense mechanisms being to seek unity.

What frustrates me most as a 6 is to observe a 4 push others away and then lament their "separation". A 4 I know recently posted on Facebook how she felt disappointed that no one would go with her to some event. That statement makes her the victim and accuses everyone else of not meeting her desires - but then she feels alone when people won't do things with her. Who would want to, after a statement like that? My last encounter with an ENFP 4w3 high school friend was an hour-long lecture on how people like myself treat her differently because she is queer. I'm actually bisexual, but she was hellbent on framing me as a "normal" person "outside" of queer culture. She went on to describe to me how my friends are all overachievers. As a 6 who natively seeks unity, it was infuriating to be constantly pushed away and pushed away and made into the "other", deserving of her resentment. It's not even the framing of being "one of them" that's such a big deal to me than it is that being "one of them" makes me somehow incapable in her eyes of feeling the same degree of isolation and despair. It's not fair - that ties into my next point. The 4 perspective assumes that others are lesser than the 4 because of how they supposedly cannot feel to the same extent. It deprives others of the right to individuality and depth.

I'm not sure why everyone must be the "same" to be on equal levels though... but that's another topic.

The best I can clarify given what you've said is that I don't desire everyone to be the "same" in any terms of mindless Stepford-style conformity, but I feel like to regularly frame yourself as separate, whether conscious or not, is putting yourself on a pedestal to some extent, even if it is one of notoriety and accompanied by personal shame. To me, it is a frustration of the 4 individual seeming to place their significance over the significance of anyone else, and even the significances of everyone else combined.

A particularly emotional example of this for me was when my family and maternal cousins' family took my very elderly maternal great-aunt out for a birthday lunch, and my 4 cousin threw a fit because the restaurant we chose wasn't appealing to her. She had voiced that and we all considered it, but the restaurant was the best possible location for a whole host of reasons - mainly that it was our great-aunt's favorite - but my cousin yelled and teared up in the restaurant, explaining how no one paid attention to her and how she was unloved and an outcast - before storming outside until someone went and talked to her. That was a terribly frustrating situation to me because she seemed to see herself as so much more important than everyone else, in particular our great-aunt, a sweet, feisty little elderly lady who ended up all stressed out on her birthday because this girl couldn't just see herself as a member of the group for once, instead of an outsider. Moreover, the day became all about her, instead of about our great aunt.

In my opinion, everyone equally deserves recognition, celebration, and appreciation of Self. I feel like an outsider too - rather often, in fact. Contraflow sx/so guarantees that. But it would be unfair of me to always frame myself as the one separate person. That perspective robs others of their ability to feel meaningful, it robs the group its ability to shine the spotlight on another individual, and it robs the perceiver themself the ability to ever just let go and trust that they truly are significant. In humbling themselves to an equal level, 4s can reap the positive benefits of truly being significant, instead of living off a crude and faltering facsimile.

However, I do recognize that it is a personal weakness that I find it difficult to deal with people's individual wounds in a larger context. I admire those who can reconcile that sort of situation - which, perhaps, is part of why I am especially drawn to 9s and 2s.

 

[highlander]

The best I can do is to reflect on my old boss and my grandma, who I believe to be a 1w2. With both of them - and I believe both of them are SJs - it was most evident in their daily nitpicks. My boss had a thing for the dang doorstop being in the "right" place, and my grandma is pretty specific about where things should go, how to do certain procedures, etc.

I have gotten a little frustrated with 1s - specifically SJs in that they can miss the big picture and be very difficult to influence. I know one well at work and she is great but she can't seem to understand how her behavior can be counterproductive at times. Other people have a bigger problem with it than I do. It comes out as a sort of "anal-ness" about stupid things and causes conflict with others and limits her opportunities for growth. On the other hand, there are 1s - [MENTION=7111]fidelia[/MENTION] is an example - that I completely gel with so MBTI type (e.g. Ni dom in common) is IMO an influence.

That said, I readily admit that 4 is probably the enneatype I struggle most to understand, and I certainly have trouble seeing it from an "insider" perspective. Weird to say, since I once thought I was a 4 myself! To me it seems like the self-identified 4s I know tend to do a fair amount of attention-seeking and attempting to set themselves apart from others. Several of the 4s I know tend to have periodic personal meltdowns and be rather public about them. Many often seem to post negative and/or attention-seeking statuses on Facebook, which strike me as passive-aggressive and frustrating. I like these people to varying degrees; it's not like I harbor a particular resentment towards them for their viewpoints. I just find it difficult to understand them and to interact with them in when they are under stress given their defense mechanisms, which I feel is particularly linked to me being a 6 and one of my own defense mechanisms being to seek unity.

What frustrates me most as a 6 is to observe a 4 push others away and then lament their "separation". A 4 I know recently posted on Facebook how she felt disappointed that no one would go with her to some event. That statement makes her the victim and accuses everyone else of not meeting her desires - but then she feels alone when people won't do things with her. Who would want to, after a statement like that? My last encounter with an ENFP 4w3 high school friend was an hour-long lecture on how people like myself treat her differently because she is queer. I'm actually bisexual, but she was hellbent on framing me as a "normal" person "outside" of queer culture. She went on to describe to me how my friends are all overachievers. As a 6 who natively seeks unity, it was infuriating to be constantly pushed away and pushed away and made into the "other", deserving of her resentment. It's not even the framing of being "one of them" that's such a big deal to me than it is that being "one of them" makes me somehow incapable in her eyes of feeling the same degree of isolation and despair. It's not fair - that ties into my next point. The 4 perspective assumes that others are lesser than the 4 because of how they supposedly cannot feel to the same extent. It deprives others of the right to individuality and depth.

Bolded parts, I agree with or understand completely. I guess I just get really confused at how to interact with them at times because they won't engage.

 

[Kasper]

The correct answer is 9.

For those who aren't sure.

YW.

 

[SilkRoad]

I think that in theory, types 9 and 1 would be the ones I'd most likely be attracted to, and possibly 8. (Although 8 sounds a bit scary too, somehow. I think he'd have to be VERY "healthy".)

But I'm not sure it has worked that way in practice. I'd have to analyze a bit more. I've thought more about the MBTI types of people I've dated or been attracted to.

As boring as it sounds, I really like people who make me feel safe (and not that many people do). I guess that's pretty 6-ish!

 

[Patches]

I find that I'm very, very drawn to 5's more often than any other type.