Serendipity
the Dark Prophet of Kualu
- Joined
- Mar 24, 2009
- Messages
- 852
- MBTI Type
- RAD
What if one senses emotion so strong, never felt before and that emotion is let inside and cannot be stopped?
I was more an ESFP in my younger days, that I know. Based on earlier memories I always been a bit dull. Then came school and I got bullied a lot; Tended to stay away, got home and thought about my appearance in front of others and basically; Why?
Later I came to the conclusion that people try to fuck me over to get advantage, power.
I came to become typically quiet in class and get frustrated by people who over stood their boundaries in class i.e. Shouted and took time to settle. I HATED that. I definitely despised them. I learned my languages well, due to being able to communicate with the bunch of people who might understand me and might have something critical to say; in and of which I was interested in supposed subjects. (this is all still middle school)
Every night I cried over what I thought would be my last drop over my life, and each day a new me began trying to establish a solid ground. I had many masks and layers, just to be able to live my life. As I could see upon a person why and how they were to treat me by before-hand(Swedish expression, I am not sure if it is used in English). I did a second last year in middle school.
Summer after middle school, I went and met a man that would change my life into something else. I got raped and broken but nevertheless stood strong in my track. He tried to commit suicide and I felt that it was my duty not to let any human being kill themselves, not by my presence or any others. So I sent him to a hospital specialized in treating such ill thoughts. He got me endeared to him. Don't ask questions in how, my guess is the sthlm-syndrome-but-different.
High school. I had overcome the terror that tried to settle in me after the summer, and in the first day I ended up feeling like my true self. I did gain friends for the first time. Friends almost my age. One year of difference. Before I preferred my older peers. Teachers and the like. After facing idiotic crowds even in high school, I began feeling despair. I had learned how to plan the actions in beforehand, not mine but most others and it gave me a difficult time as I could plan into detail on how to act to create dramas in my social life. I became bored after a time, as nothing new seemed to challenge me.
As I grew more and more bored, I began to despair. I became so drained by melancholy that I began to fatigue. This ever lasting emotion kept hitting it's black claws against my unsheltered self. Days became increasingly darker and the only little joy I had was destruction and demise; letting everyone around me feel the way I do.
Then, at last, I managed to get out of my black abyss and came to realize life was something else. It was a week after I tried a recreational drug; LSD. A new world to fathom, to be inspired by, to explore. Something I've never once felt before now came before my eyes. My first trip was a blend of horrible and wonder. A terror-trip that lasted for 50+ hours. My life lay ruined as I saw it. There was no point in going back, just further on. At the time, I had a crush on several people and one of them came to become a threat later. At the time, I fell in love with everything that wasn't what it seemed and grew tired as soon as I had found out what made them tick. Too easily to understand how people were to react to different measures. I easily made them more interested in me and they spilled their guts in front of me. I liked that, but I grew tired of knowing more than one should. Problems easily got solved, as I once was eager to learn and wise to give just enough of a hint of what might be done to make life a little easier. I was empathic, sympathetic and emotionally clear. ;_;_;_; If I could describe the way I saw things, it might be easier for you to understand the way I worked. When I was little, I took everyone around me and made calculated steps toward whom and what they were. I then acted out as them, to see what I might find to fit me and what did not. After a few years (19) I came to a point where almost anyone acted as they should act. Even if emotionally stir, people had a sense of being real. I didn't. I tended to forget which of the following ones I was. The only thing I knew was that if any one came to criticize the Definite Me, I began to feel like a little child. A child that did as what it felt like. Didn't really feel bad about what it did but it knew it had been seen doing something someone shouldn't, if they relied on social moral grounds. ;_;_;_; Anyhow, I liked to play the little devil that gave just that little information to see if people actually grasped what I really meant. Not often though and I came to play with most of them in different manners.
Back to the drug-tale. So, something new smiled upon me. And I felt briskly what I might become if I kept on. So I did. A new wonder every other week, a new world that wouldn't become explored and my fantasies grew far more powerful than I had ever imagined. This girl that was special, I couldn't understand her at all. She was some sort of alien to me. (I believe she is the first ENFP I've met). She was one and the same but highly unpredictable. I mirrored her to set myself in her conditions and during a trip, she chose to put me in her condition. A summer day, we were both "out-of-it" and she asked me a question, right after I had explained to many tangible and out-of-the-world ideas that most never seem to grasp; except her, and she said "How do you see the world?". I told her the truth without knowing what might come next, I said: "It's like a window. I can see most of the things. I calculate every cornerstone around me. Think of it like Windows. You have your desktop and everything is filed down to the smallest marginal possible and most set ideas lie in your DLL-files. It's all very easy to play around with. If I open a window, I get another notion and emotion of what might be there. I can choose to close it as I feel. Nothing really gives me any extreme hold-onto values. I just go day by day, putting up the appropriate windows to the different tasks and paint whatever I feel like on the screen to make it happen." . Now she tells me, "Does that really work?"
"Yes, see it like this. I now close the window about being able to see the bed. And voila, I don't see it any more. It's like being on top of nothing. Floating. Do you get it?" and I was able to do such stunts to myself, used to do them when I had nothing else to do. It's like not understanding that there is something there even though the invisible object does indeed respond to touch by being there.
She says, "You are not a human being, you are a machine." and she begins to feed me with staples.
This is where I start to cry and feel that I should try to become like her. She's very good at placing ideals. So, I respond the way she does and make her system mine.
(This is something I've come to be aware of just now.)
To feel something real and oblige to feelings and intuition more than to my senses of what things are. Before that, I felt I was in harmony in myself and the things around me. I saw a change that was ever-constant. Nature.
All that shattered and things weren't what they once were. After that trip. I came to suicidally race myself against whatever demons I could find. Bringing forth both fear and aggression as I fucked up my mentally sane status.
I lost many friends during that time. Something of regret. I feel more original these days though. A bit more me, in another sense. Wearing whatever is inside me on the outside. And I now know that manipulating people the way I did is not just. It's horrible. In a sense. I can find appreciation in all life's qualities. Even the "not-so-good" ones.
A different kind of beauty I hadn't seen before. Hidden in the meaning behind the object.
(If you ever heard "Forsaken" by David Draiman. That's what I once identified most with.)
I've been a sadist in the horrible sense, and a masochist in the same manner.
Now I am a sadist when I am allowed to and can bring pleasure by being one, in both me and someone I feel for in one of the out most senses. Ditto with my masochism. (It does give a clearer view somewhere....)
Anyhow. After that moment with her, my life took a turn I could NEVER EVER have seen myself in. Brought nothing but destruction to myself, explaining everything that happened around me as my fault. I could've done something about it. I didn't. That was just a wrong way to see it but I did not know that then.
To grow a tree, one needs both water, sun and a seed. If there are other trees nearby, one will tower them all, no matter what. Nature isn't just. It only works for the individual.
Scientifically proved. ;P by "them". xD *laughs
Throughout I've always questioned everything. From smallest detail to the large truths people seem to appreciate. I've come up with dozens and dozens of reasonings. Some far fetched (but not for me) and some easily understood by others. Most not understood at all though.
Daydreaming was always my way of handling reality before I felt harmony in my actions. Now that I can live freely as I choose, I daydream less and less to the extent of nothing at all. Some weeks I do, some I don't.
I'll just round up some passions... because I feel like it.
Patterns is one of my passions in life. Always so fun to play with.
Poisons are terribly exciting things. I know more how to kill a man than how to resurrect one. xD I just love reading the journals of doctors and other fun folk who explain the ways of the poison clinically.
Passion for things. Is nice too. Hate systematic living. Even though I usually feel better in it. I've come to fear patterns for some reason.
Ok. I think I'm done. That should be enough.
I was more an ESFP in my younger days, that I know. Based on earlier memories I always been a bit dull. Then came school and I got bullied a lot; Tended to stay away, got home and thought about my appearance in front of others and basically; Why?
Later I came to the conclusion that people try to fuck me over to get advantage, power.
I came to become typically quiet in class and get frustrated by people who over stood their boundaries in class i.e. Shouted and took time to settle. I HATED that. I definitely despised them. I learned my languages well, due to being able to communicate with the bunch of people who might understand me and might have something critical to say; in and of which I was interested in supposed subjects. (this is all still middle school)
Every night I cried over what I thought would be my last drop over my life, and each day a new me began trying to establish a solid ground. I had many masks and layers, just to be able to live my life. As I could see upon a person why and how they were to treat me by before-hand(Swedish expression, I am not sure if it is used in English). I did a second last year in middle school.
Summer after middle school, I went and met a man that would change my life into something else. I got raped and broken but nevertheless stood strong in my track. He tried to commit suicide and I felt that it was my duty not to let any human being kill themselves, not by my presence or any others. So I sent him to a hospital specialized in treating such ill thoughts. He got me endeared to him. Don't ask questions in how, my guess is the sthlm-syndrome-but-different.
High school. I had overcome the terror that tried to settle in me after the summer, and in the first day I ended up feeling like my true self. I did gain friends for the first time. Friends almost my age. One year of difference. Before I preferred my older peers. Teachers and the like. After facing idiotic crowds even in high school, I began feeling despair. I had learned how to plan the actions in beforehand, not mine but most others and it gave me a difficult time as I could plan into detail on how to act to create dramas in my social life. I became bored after a time, as nothing new seemed to challenge me.
As I grew more and more bored, I began to despair. I became so drained by melancholy that I began to fatigue. This ever lasting emotion kept hitting it's black claws against my unsheltered self. Days became increasingly darker and the only little joy I had was destruction and demise; letting everyone around me feel the way I do.
Then, at last, I managed to get out of my black abyss and came to realize life was something else. It was a week after I tried a recreational drug; LSD. A new world to fathom, to be inspired by, to explore. Something I've never once felt before now came before my eyes. My first trip was a blend of horrible and wonder. A terror-trip that lasted for 50+ hours. My life lay ruined as I saw it. There was no point in going back, just further on. At the time, I had a crush on several people and one of them came to become a threat later. At the time, I fell in love with everything that wasn't what it seemed and grew tired as soon as I had found out what made them tick. Too easily to understand how people were to react to different measures. I easily made them more interested in me and they spilled their guts in front of me. I liked that, but I grew tired of knowing more than one should. Problems easily got solved, as I once was eager to learn and wise to give just enough of a hint of what might be done to make life a little easier. I was empathic, sympathetic and emotionally clear. ;_;_;_; If I could describe the way I saw things, it might be easier for you to understand the way I worked. When I was little, I took everyone around me and made calculated steps toward whom and what they were. I then acted out as them, to see what I might find to fit me and what did not. After a few years (19) I came to a point where almost anyone acted as they should act. Even if emotionally stir, people had a sense of being real. I didn't. I tended to forget which of the following ones I was. The only thing I knew was that if any one came to criticize the Definite Me, I began to feel like a little child. A child that did as what it felt like. Didn't really feel bad about what it did but it knew it had been seen doing something someone shouldn't, if they relied on social moral grounds. ;_;_;_; Anyhow, I liked to play the little devil that gave just that little information to see if people actually grasped what I really meant. Not often though and I came to play with most of them in different manners.
Back to the drug-tale. So, something new smiled upon me. And I felt briskly what I might become if I kept on. So I did. A new wonder every other week, a new world that wouldn't become explored and my fantasies grew far more powerful than I had ever imagined. This girl that was special, I couldn't understand her at all. She was some sort of alien to me. (I believe she is the first ENFP I've met). She was one and the same but highly unpredictable. I mirrored her to set myself in her conditions and during a trip, she chose to put me in her condition. A summer day, we were both "out-of-it" and she asked me a question, right after I had explained to many tangible and out-of-the-world ideas that most never seem to grasp; except her, and she said "How do you see the world?". I told her the truth without knowing what might come next, I said: "It's like a window. I can see most of the things. I calculate every cornerstone around me. Think of it like Windows. You have your desktop and everything is filed down to the smallest marginal possible and most set ideas lie in your DLL-files. It's all very easy to play around with. If I open a window, I get another notion and emotion of what might be there. I can choose to close it as I feel. Nothing really gives me any extreme hold-onto values. I just go day by day, putting up the appropriate windows to the different tasks and paint whatever I feel like on the screen to make it happen." . Now she tells me, "Does that really work?"
"Yes, see it like this. I now close the window about being able to see the bed. And voila, I don't see it any more. It's like being on top of nothing. Floating. Do you get it?" and I was able to do such stunts to myself, used to do them when I had nothing else to do. It's like not understanding that there is something there even though the invisible object does indeed respond to touch by being there.
She says, "You are not a human being, you are a machine." and she begins to feed me with staples.
This is where I start to cry and feel that I should try to become like her. She's very good at placing ideals. So, I respond the way she does and make her system mine.
(This is something I've come to be aware of just now.)
To feel something real and oblige to feelings and intuition more than to my senses of what things are. Before that, I felt I was in harmony in myself and the things around me. I saw a change that was ever-constant. Nature.
All that shattered and things weren't what they once were. After that trip. I came to suicidally race myself against whatever demons I could find. Bringing forth both fear and aggression as I fucked up my mentally sane status.
I lost many friends during that time. Something of regret. I feel more original these days though. A bit more me, in another sense. Wearing whatever is inside me on the outside. And I now know that manipulating people the way I did is not just. It's horrible. In a sense. I can find appreciation in all life's qualities. Even the "not-so-good" ones.
A different kind of beauty I hadn't seen before. Hidden in the meaning behind the object.
(If you ever heard "Forsaken" by David Draiman. That's what I once identified most with.)
I've been a sadist in the horrible sense, and a masochist in the same manner.
Now I am a sadist when I am allowed to and can bring pleasure by being one, in both me and someone I feel for in one of the out most senses. Ditto with my masochism. (It does give a clearer view somewhere....)
Anyhow. After that moment with her, my life took a turn I could NEVER EVER have seen myself in. Brought nothing but destruction to myself, explaining everything that happened around me as my fault. I could've done something about it. I didn't. That was just a wrong way to see it but I did not know that then.
To grow a tree, one needs both water, sun and a seed. If there are other trees nearby, one will tower them all, no matter what. Nature isn't just. It only works for the individual.
Scientifically proved. ;P by "them". xD *laughs
Throughout I've always questioned everything. From smallest detail to the large truths people seem to appreciate. I've come up with dozens and dozens of reasonings. Some far fetched (but not for me) and some easily understood by others. Most not understood at all though.
Daydreaming was always my way of handling reality before I felt harmony in my actions. Now that I can live freely as I choose, I daydream less and less to the extent of nothing at all. Some weeks I do, some I don't.
I'll just round up some passions... because I feel like it.
Patterns is one of my passions in life. Always so fun to play with.
Poisons are terribly exciting things. I know more how to kill a man than how to resurrect one. xD I just love reading the journals of doctors and other fun folk who explain the ways of the poison clinically.
Passion for things. Is nice too. Hate systematic living. Even though I usually feel better in it. I've come to fear patterns for some reason.
Ok. I think I'm done. That should be enough.
