A 7w6 will seek other peoples approval more hence the clown comparison as the 7w6 I think subconsciously seeks security by wanting to be entertaining...
I was super impressed with [MENTION=25763]Enthusiastic_Dreamer[/MENTION]'s and Brain in a Jar's straight-forward interpretations of the 7w6 and 7w8 from yesterday. Thank you for them.
^I know I've mentioned this before but from like 6th - 11th grade... every year I won something like "Funniest Girl" in the school which always earned me something massive like a printed or handmade certificate saying so. My senior year of high school though...that's where I finally hit the big time and was voted the Homecoming Court Jester. <-Which at the time was "just a thing"...until it became a *big ass thing* to my Mom holy fuck (it is not that I didn't appreciate it really...I was just lost in my own world and I guess so-last).
On the night they made these announcements and we were to ride on floats in a parade...
My high school was big and made-up of students from all walks...and yet my male jester counterpart was an Italian boy I had known since childhood. The fact I still know him today I know that he is also EP and e7w6...interesting. On the night they made these announcements and we were to ride on floats in a parade... my Mom had invited what would probably look and feel like the entire cast of "My Big, Fat, Greek Wedding" to most of you...my family...they were all there having driven down from the pre-party at the house my Mom had put together....?
When it came time to actually get on the jester float (fortunately it was last in line)...my co-jester childhood friend completely flipped out and wouldn't do it...nor would he let me on...in fact he literally yanked me by the arm off the steps of it having started by helping me get on with my long dress. He was so drunk yes. And had in that moment decided the two of us were too good to ride that float...we were better than the float and the stupid jester hats we were expected to wear... "No one knows we're smart Starry...they just think we're clowns!!! We are not clowns we are very intelligent and no one knows!!! They will laugh at us...we aren't circus monkeys!! All we are to them are clowns!!" <-As long as I live I will never forget this. He was in a total drunk paranoid panic and would not let me on that float...he physically prevented me from it because we were better than that. The impact this has had on my thinking and life can not be underestimated.
[MENTION=18819]five sounds[/MENTION]
I'm trying to access things inside of me and am struggling some. Talk to me about Brain in a Jar's quote I posted... what do you think of it?...what is your experience with it? I have my own ideas but feel it might be helpful if I hear yours first. I would appreciate it so much.
edit: whoops...obviously you can send me a PM if you want.
edit2: I should probably include the end of the story...
I convinced him we both had to do it for Mama (my Mama) and so he finally did.
I must say Starry, first of all, thank you for such gracious words. I don't mean to sound superfluous, nor do I ever when I give thanks, particularly when someone commends me on an area I feel reflects some modicum of intelligence. You see, I too have a sore spot when it comes to being seen as anything more than the goofy kid, the jokester, and such. I definitely have my more serious moments with people, but I've never been all that great at spelling, nor grammar, nor any other quantifiable measure of standard intelligence as seen in most school systems. Whatever intelligence I do have, I keep private since I've never been confident enough to put it out there. I can't believe I am exposing this side of me either as a part of me fears I am exposing an area of myself someone could very easily attack, and penetrate deeply. But I say all this because your story hit very close to home for me, and whether you intended to or not, I feel I've just been granted access to another side of Starry, and one that I appreciate being given the opportunity to see.
I am brewing up some shit in my brain rn. I shall deficate it publically soon.
Full orchestra: *cliff hanger mystery music*
We are all going to die, but that's fine.
View attachment 16598
Nothing matters, but that is a good thing, even though good and bad are the same. Its hard to explain. Everything and everyone is one. Everyone and everything are the same.
It is the simple things that are most profound.
me @ my escapism
Thank you Dreamer for this message.
Yah, that was a very confusing experience and having someone share it with me on the level that you are is meaningful. The thought that my value was limited to the amusement of others (I've told five sounds a few times now that when it comes to others I have often felt that all I had to offer is *this personality*) was nothing new to me. I remember very clearly being amazed...shocked almost at having been told I was intelligent. I needed to focus entirely on getting my co-jester on that damn float...but I kept wanting to stop and ask..."So you think I'm smart?" It was the first time someone outside of my family had ever suggested such a thing...and a couple of years prior to a university prof basically forcing me to go and get myself tested out of all my low level courses...which also earned me my inattentive ADD diagnosis...so yah life has always been very confusing whenever I allow it to break through the Ne barrier.
Ultimately, I need to discuss these things because I'm starting to question again the value in letting life break through the Ne barrier. Thanks for helping me here.
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Damn this is going to be so good...I feel it
I still have mood-swings, though.flashin the e5
^show off
Hmm, I'd be interested in seeing how a simple parallel between us, may have ultimately played out in very different ways in our lives, that parallel being that I too was only diagnosed with ADHD (the combined variant) in grad school, so I had plenty years of self doubt and stewing in self criticism. Though, attempting to draw such ideas from our stories would require a level of openness and vulnerability, so we don't have to go there. But it was a thought that came to mind.
I'm curious what you mean by the "Ne barrier"? In my particular situation, or the way I reacted to my school yard treatment, meant removing Ne almost entirely from my interactions with others. I'd still have an outlet though, and that was through my art, thank God for art! But I pulled myself inward and found my comfort zone in my Fi. I think ultimately, this plays out in a sort of 9-ish tendency and need, to protect my emotions from the external as much as possible, since, internally, it was already being battered left and right.
Well shoot, I went ahead and went deep anyways. But please don't feel a need to share your story. Looking back on my story, I really don't carry any regret or shame, and is probably why I can be so candid about it.
I still have mood-swings, though.
I used to self criticize. Now, I destroy everybody who gets between me and what I want. No quarter.I think I just realized why I'm blocked on answering the Ne barrier question... it is because in order to explain it in a current language where you will be readily understood... I will need to use words that I feel have a negative connotation that I don't feel is reflective of what I value or is misunderstood for various reasons.
Anyway, it is not having mood swings as much as it is what you do when you have them.
I don't mind this at all. Ask me anything you would like and I will feel fortunate for the opportunity to answer.
Ne barrier... I mean, Ne can very easily transport you to a better place...a happier place. Some people might put this place down...calling it an imaginary land of imaginary forest creatures and enchantment but you know...the way I see it is I gave reality a shot and everyone sucks so I'm going back. Peace.
I'll see if I can find a better way to explain this...but wanted to tell you immediately that I appreciate your question.
The first few notes in this song made me feel weird. I'll try again in a few minutes.
thank you [MENTION=10082]Starry[/MENTION] for including me in this discussion. like really, so much. i think you've hit on some real unspoken pain that is packed tight in that 7w6 clown car.
starting with [MENTION=30122]Brain in a Jar[/MENTION]'s flash of single-lined brilliance, i was thinking of what it means to have a 6-wing. enneagram 6 - Basic Fear: Of being without support and guidance -- Basic Desire: To have security and support. adding this to core 7's natural drive to replace the hurt with happy, it makes a hell of a lot of sense that we'd be inclined toward unconsciously replacing anything mundane or otherwise unpleasant (this is another thing, the idea of banality being on par with actual pain. i think it's why we thrived as clowns in school: the pinnacle of droning routine purgatory) with something a little more FUN. if we can be entertaining, we can both escape boredom torture and also free others from it all at once. this is survival. it's like we're the little drummer boy and all we have to offer is our ability to *dazzle* or *snarkily quip* our way out of a paper bag and we're really hoping baby Jesus likes it or we're fucked.
this is something we can use when we have to for others. it feels cheap to me every time. like when i'm bar tending and say the world's cheesiest shit just to get a cheap disarmed half grin, i turn around and think, "who tf am i?" but honestly, it helps me in two ways.
1) i get a kick out of being silly either way, which is a HUGE way i deal with daily life. like even alone, i'm making jokes and funny observations or associations to entertain myself. my mom always said i played alone great as a kid, especially in front of a mirror. just making myself laugh and singing to myself, etc.
2) it's disarming, which causes connection, which results in people liking you, which results in having security and support. again, it's already a strength cuz it's how we make ourselves like life, so it's only natural that we pull that out first when trying to connect with and establish a sense of security among others.
and now is where i tell you that i was "Spirit Queen" (which is the award given to the person in the class that dresses up for "spirit week" - like decades day, crazy hair day, etc etc - with the highest degree of ridiculosity) all four years in high school. for decades day, my ESTP friend and i were a pilgrim couple one year. it was NOT something i campaigned for or even had a say in, and while it was cute and fun the first one, two times MAX, it got VERY uncomfortable after that. like uhh, thanks? like normally i have to wear a fucking uniform to school and i hate my life so if you tell me i can dress up weird i am going to troll that shit so hard just for the lols.
in a lot of ways it is trolling. that's why we know "we're better than that." like i'm just trying to share a subversive giggle with some chums here, please don't give me a damn crown for it.
but i can tell you that every single deep dark place i've ever been in. the worst ones. that's the demon. nobody values you beyond being fun and charming. you are a two-dimensional trope to them. "but do you think i'm smart?" is a phrase i've spoken more than once. it's that feeling that everyone likes you but no body knows you. and then when you stop feeling sorry for yourself, and consider how you could become more *seen* for your true value, you realize you kinda don't know how to go there. i just wrote about that yesterday in my blog. it's very unnatural feeling and difficult for me to drop the Ne. and when i do, it's decidedly unsmooth. just a month ago probably i was sobbing over feeling like i wasn't seen as creative or intelligent and would never be able to express myself artistically or in an intellectually satisfying way...because it's underdeveloped...because no one will take me seriously on that level...cuz they just see my as fun but don't see the hidden genius behind it...*gasp* *snort* *blow nose* i started my period the next day, but nevertheless, my dramatized feelings were authentic.
A 7w6 will seek other peoples approval more hence the clown comparison as the 7w6 I think subconsciously seeks security by wanting to be entertaining.
I used to self criticize. Now, I destroy everybody who gets between me and what I want. No quarter.