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Sunday

heart

heart on fire
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May 19, 2007
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So something somewhat uspetting happened to my husband last night. :shock:

His mother called this morning, so he called her back and now he is telling her all about it, why I don't know. She's nearly 80 and she over-reacts about everything, worry wort kind of person. Infact she spends all her time worrying from what she says. Half hour after she's off the phone with him, the entire family will be notified as if it is important. Any drama tale is always welcomed.

Now his family, who never call us and are not interested in having a real relationship will crank up the drama wagon and be calling all week with their crocidile tears and wailing and ganshing of teeth, just because it is their M.O. They love drama, they love pumping something out of proportion but not interested in any real emotional connection with other people.

In the middle of pumping the drama horn, they will manage to drop all sorts of underhanded insults and digs at him (she's doing it right now, I hear his defensive tone and his pained explainations) and then I will have to deal with the fallout for weeks, he changes when he has too much contact with them.

I am so biased against these people. I guess that's not very pretty, but it is true.
 

disregard

mrs
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Omg, I can relate to the family bit so much.

I don't like my mom's side of the family at all. SJ central. When the Von Maur shooting happened, they ALL called and wanted to talk to me and ask me if I was okay, and tell me how lucky I am (when I wasn't even at the mall :huh: ), speculate on what "really" happened, why the kid did it, etc, and it's like, shut up, you are just happy you have another story to tell your hair dresser you boring, nosey, gossiping simpleton!
 

heart

heart on fire
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Now she's making him defend why he hasn't found a job back in the midwest yet, making him defend why he chose electronics as a new field to get into, making him defend why we sold the house, why couldn't we find other renters...he is into super defense mode now, and the fake laugh coming out...

It pisses me off, why defend? You don't need to defend your actions, you are 51 F**ing years old! It is your own business! Stop letting her degrade you...ugh. :cry::steam::shock:

For one thing, stop feeding her new info about your insecurity to come back at you with. :doh:
 

Geoff

Lallygag Moderator
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My top tip : the telephone is just a machine that rather rudely shouts "speak to me now.. speak to me now... speak to me now.. speak to me now". No law against responding with "no thanks!"

I leave my phone on answerphone, screen all my calls.. and choose when and where. I know that it isn't easy to ignore messages from eg an elderly mother.. but you can choose if and when to speak to them.

I find.. that practiced disregard, and a little casual "meh" goes a long way to diffusing SJ over indulgence.
 

Geoff

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My top tip : the telephone is just a machine that rather rudely shouts "speak to me now.. speak to me now... speak to me now.. speak to me now". No law against responding with "no thanks!"

I leave my phone on answerphone, screen all my calls.. and choose when and where. I know that it isn't easy to ignore messages from eg an elderly mother.. but you can choose if and when to speak to them.

I find.. that practiced disregard, and a little casual "meh" goes a long way to diffusing SJ over indulgence.
 

heart

heart on fire
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He's avoided her for months, then he heard the Mother's Day advertisements on TV. Started saying he needs to send flowers but my goodness, our money is pretty tight this year, we just got hit with another big car repair bill. I said, pick up one of those five dollar cards when you are at the store, but he forgot.

So he felt he had to talk to her, once she starts introgating, he just spills and then defends and spills and defends, then the fake laugh to cover the hurt...ugh. It makes me sick, it always has but now I have no patience for it.

Also, you are T, he is F. She's ESFJ, she can warm up his Fe and get him going and then he's lost.
 

Geoff

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Ah yes. Difficult situation. Nothing like the unhealthy form of ESFJ for telling you exactly where you went wrong. (yes, I am probably T, but don't put money on it)
 

disregard

mrs
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Man.. same thing with My xSFJ mom.. her Fe gets pulled in every direction by people at work, friends, relatives, and it's like, why can't you see what is happening and take some control back and avoid these people that cause you the upset that I have to deal with?

(I'm not trying to talk about my mom in your entry, it is just the only way I can communicate how frustrating someone else's Fe troubles can be)
 

heart

heart on fire
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Thanks Geoff. :)

Dana, it is prefectly fine to talk about your Mom here or anyone or anything else. It is all related.
 

heart

heart on fire
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dana said:
why can't you see what is happening and take some control back and avoid these people that cause you the upset that I have to deal with?

That's the crux of the whole issue. They can work his insecurity buttons like a pilot in a F16 cockpit and then I have to deal with the fallout.

I hate when she starts badgering him about his job situation. He will make his move when he's ready and no amount of pushing at him will help. I learned that about him a long time ago. Pushing at him and "challenging" his ideas, only pushes him further back in his own shell after the conversation is over ... and makes him twice as stubborn as before and more determined to stick to his own vision, shuts down his Fe and he gets into total Ni-Ti loop. So thanks for setting him back MIL!

How can a mother not understand something so basic about her own son? :huh:

Anyway the conversation is over and he's gone out for fast food, hopefully she didn't affect him that much this time. :D
 

FFF

Fight For Freedom
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I'm working on a tell-parents-as-little-as-possible policy, but at least my brothers are a rational and can be informed of things.

What you just said to Dana is true for me too. If mom tries to get involved with my job situation (lack of a job situation), it just makes things worse. Last time she did that, I was ready to take action, and because she started fighting with me, I didn't get anything done for about a week.
 

disregard

mrs
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Pushing at him and "challenging" his ideas, only pushes him further back in his own shell after the conversation is over ... and makes him twice as stubborn as before and more determined to stick to his own vision, shuts down his Fe and he gets into total Ni-Ti loop. So thanks for setting him back MIL!

How can a mother not understand something so basic about her own son?

Does she do it on purpose to cause him and yourself distress? Or is she not that conniving.
 

heart

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Amazing the way some people can suck the energy right out of a situation with their argumentativeness and just go on their merry little way afterwards. It is like for them emotion is not real, just a play act mask for the moment, something lived intensely and forgotten a second later.

Thanks to everyone who chatted with me in this thread. :) Helped me keep my opinions to myself after the call was over, I just listened sympathetically to the fall out.
 

heart

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Does she do it on purpose to cause him and yourself distress? Or is she not that conniving.

It seems intentional to me, but then I am biased. She's said some really hair raising stuff to him over the years and done and said some really horrid things to me so it seems very hard to believe there isn't some intention there. She plays the wide eyed innocent I am still so naive role to the hilt.
 

cafe

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My mom can play me like that pretty much at will. She can play my next younger brother, too, and have us upset for days or weeks. It's why neither of us want anything to do with her.
 

Geoff

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Ever considered having an INTP mother? Admittedly they don't eg remind you to do homework, or remember stuff like the things you need for the first day of school.. but still.. laid back. Just sayin'
 

Geoff

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I asked my INTP mother, as she was here this evening. Her response was "meh".
 

heart

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I would prefer ISFP mother or ENFP. I want some Fi for a change...my ISFP friend used to mother me when I visited her. :wubbie:
 
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