[INFP] (patiently) ask an INFP!!1

[Anew Leaf]

Fellow INFPs: Do you ever have a "poker face"?

I, for one, do not. Well, unless I am really aggravated and I am in Te-Shields up mode... but then again, I am mad and probably radiating that fact from here to Helsinski. I have tried playing card games with friends, and I can't hide what I have at all. I may as well just show the cards to my friends.

Typical card game:
*Cards dealt out*
Me: (Oooh! Two Queens! Let's play this cool, ok?) *external gasp of delight heard by everyone but me* I...... call.....
*Five people fold*
*Last two call with exasperated looks on their faces*
*Flop comes: 4-10-Q*
Me: (Dancing ponies run through my head.... but PLAY IT COOL!!!) *external gasp of delight that everyone but me hears* I.... raise..... 10...
*two people fold*
Me: (I won! but how?!) Yay!! *INFP dorky dance at the table*

I finally asked a friend why everyone always folded and he explained that I always make this gasping sound when I get the card I want. I don't even know that I do it.... so I can't change it... And another profession slips through my INFP fingers...!

 

[Southern Kross]

Fellow INFPs: Do you ever have a "poker face"?

Yeah to a degree with amateurs but I'm sure an expert would read me like a book. I particularly suck at bluffing - I'm simply not convincing and get all panicky. Lying and deceit are not my strong suits even when its just a game.

 

[OrangeAppled]

In a literal game, I would not have much of a poker face. I tend to not be competitive or take games seriously, so I'm rather goofy during them. Of course, it could depend if we're playing for money or not .

In life, especially in public, I have something of a poker face. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, I am reserved in my expressions, I keep my emotions contained, and I tend to appear aloof. All of this masks an inner intensity.

 

[Elfa]

I think I have some kind of happy poker face, cause, no matter if I'm happy, or worried, or sad, or whatever, people say I look happy; with a few exceptions. And when I'm want to hide something, I'm pretty good at doing a poker face. I'm not very good in poker, I tend to lose all my game money rather quickly, cause I'm not very good at knowing when I should fold or not, or I'm not paying much attention in the game, but people can't tell very well what I have in my hand.

 

[Elfa]

1- Haha, I am NOW. I have spent most of my life not knowing what I want out of life. It took a lot of uphill battles, backsliding, and in the end it took some tough times for me to finally figure it all out. The biggest changes have come from the past 2 years of my life. I had to clean figure out what the most important things in my life are, and then I had to learn how to show my true self to people. I always thought I had to "find" myself... Oh life will be awesome if I could just FIND myself. No. The truth of it all is that I had to just BE myself. All other things just fall into place. I know what I want from life now, and I am no longer afraid to go for those things.

2- Lol. I grew up Catholic... Guilt and shame I know them well. There are a lot of dumb things I have done in my life, and I used to beat myself up about them all of the time. One of the biggest changes I've made in my life is learning to let go of things. It's all about choice in the end, and I choose to not dwell on these issues anymore. They helped make me who I am today, for better or for worse, but I am no longer letting them affect my future. It is very tough to not 'go there" with these two emotions, because it's so easy to simply blame myself on things and internalize them. One thing I have learned is that it is far easier to say "no" to myself, than to other people.

3- I have gotten more vocal over the years, but it occasionally still tough.

For issues that are very personal to me:
For me it's because Fi is such an internal process... that it can be very difficult/feel impossible to adequately explain to someone else. I dislike having external forces influence what I have come up with internally. I have found that I have an easier time with this if I am able to build the "road" up slowly with someone. Basically I will test the water and see how they react to me voicing an opinion. If all seems fine, then I will continue onward building up my trust with them as we go. This is especially important in relationships because it is such a natural instinct for me to withdraw and want to handle something on my own. However, I know that that will not help our relationship if I do that... so I work hard at counteracting this instinct as much as possible. Being with someone who has patience for this is huge. Once achieved the reward is a good relationship with me.

For other issues:
I have no problem with telling people my opinion. I may hold off if I think my opinion will offend/hurt someone. But if I get asked for my honest opinion on something... the odds are that they will get just that!

4- Um.... yes and no. The majority of humanity - pass... The select few that I deeply care about? Definitely is a factor to some extent. In the end I still have to simply be myself though. But I do want to make my friends and family proud of me and the person that I am. I want to reflect back the love and support they have given me, by me being more loving and supportive.

I can totaly relate to most you've said!

Funny thing is that I'm actually cognizant of what I really want, but I'm not accepting of it, so I feel guilt and shame... I'm learning to accept some stuff about me... or not... it's a little confusing...

Now I'm learning to let some things go - and it feels really good...

Most people I know are catholic or evangelic; About personal issues, I'm speaking what I think more often - I used to say almost nothing at all; I've never had trouble voicing my opinions about non personal stuff, except when I might hurt someone; and I don't care for what most people think about me out there, but I care too much about what close people think...

 

[Viridian]

Moar quessiunz!

1) Are you easily guilt-tripped?

2) What do you sometimes envy in INFJs (or FJs in general)?

3) Do you have a strong negative reaction to people who express emotions they're not really feeling ("phonies")?

4) Is it hard for you to "cut off contact" with people?

5) Do you usually need a strong case to sever bonds with people, or do you mostly go with your gut?

Kittehs!

 

[Anew Leaf]

I accept your sacrifice. The kittens were... delicious.

1- Only if the person is someone I care about. Both my mom and maternal grandmother were guilt tripping queens.

2- I envy the outward affection that NJs can exhibit. I am so much more guarded with my emotions... I wish I could more easily showcase my affections towards others better. I also envy their ability to pinpoint an answer out of thin air and be right about it. I have these abilities myself... but I don't trust them as readily. I was borderline on my J/P scale... and if it wasn't for the cognitive functions, I would be tempted to consider myself an INFX. At the end of the day I am glad to be an INFP but sometimes it would be nice to have an INFJ outfit. (Especially since it seems that everyone wants INFJs.... *Grumbles to self*)

3- Yes. It's a trigger for me to put my Te shields up. I hate excessive amounts of emotion, and I especially hate any kind of fake emotion. I can spot fake emotion from a mile away.

4/5 - It takes a lot to push me far enough that I will cut off contact with someone. It's kind of an exponential thing. The closer you are to me, the more evidence I will need to cut off contact completely.

I guess an example I can give is the last guy I dated. We dated off an on for a few years, and finally ended it for the most part about 2 years ago. Last year right before my mom got sick he wanted us to try again, and I couldn't because I was dealing with my mom. He in turn got mad at me and cut off all contact with me. After my mom died he tried contacting me again. I was mad at him at first because he had been my best friend for years, and I felt abandoned by him when I needed him the most. I tried explaining these feelings to him and he just brushed it off with a "well, we both made mistakes" kind of attitude. Then he launched right into sex talk with me, and I ignored his advances until he got really explicit and said something along the lines of "oh you don't like me anymore? are you being a slut for someone else now? I know how easy you are." And that was when he leaped over my line in the granite floor and I decided that I was totally and utterly done with him. It really didn't take long... maybe 5-10 minutes of me speaking, to make him start crying, and I finished it with a "I never want to hear from you again because I don't care about you anymore."

I felt bad for a couple days, taking time to mourn the friendship I had once had with him... and then I felt nothing. And I still feel nothing. He tried contacting me via gmail chat a week ago, and I was like, uh no. Fi has spoken and you are outside the Fi castle, you are beyond the shrubbery maze of Ne, and you can't even see the Te walls anymore.

So it takes a lot because I am very forgiving... but if you push me far enough it will be a life sentance.

 

[Viridian]

Thanks again, Sat!

I accept your sacrifice. The kittens were... delicious.

Hm. I thought INFPs tucked kittens into their big hearts, like a magical version of Lennie Small...

1- Only if the person is someone I care about. Both my mom and maternal grandmother were guilt tripping queens.

Were they the "someone you care about"?

2- I envy the outward affection that NJs can exhibit. I am so much more guarded with my emotions... I wish I could more easily showcase my affections towards others better. I also envy their ability to pinpoint an answer out of thin air and be right about it. I have these abilities myself... but I don't trust them as readily. I was borderline on my J/P scale... and if it wasn't for the cognitive functions, I would be tempted to consider myself an INFX. At the end of the day I am glad to be an INFP but sometimes it would be nice to have an INFJ outfit. (Especially since it seems that everyone wants INFJs.... *Grumbles to self*)

Huh? NTJs as well?

3- Yes. It's a trigger for me to put my Te shields up. I hate excessive amounts of emotion, and I especially hate any kind of fake emotion. I can spot fake emotion from a mile away.

Even if it's the "I must be strong for him/her in this time of need"? Just asking.

Also, if it's not too much of a bother, I'm interested in the answers of non-Fours to my questions as well... I imagine they must be somewhat different.

 

[Oaky]

I had asked this question before but got no response. I suppose I'll ask it again in different words...

I am quite curious as to the way the INFPs likes to project themselves when they suddenly feel emotionally hurt. Is it different from person to person?

 

[OmarFW]

1) Are you easily guilt-tripped?

No. I feel guilty on my own volition, not from someone elses influence.

2) What do you sometimes envy in INFJs (or FJs in general)?

not really. i only envy other enneatypes.

3) Do you have a strong negative reaction to people who express emotions they're not really feeling ("phonies")?

not really. only if they think they are actually experiencing those emotions and what they are really like.

4) Is it hard for you to "cut off contact" with people?

not at all.

5) Do you usually need a strong case to sever bonds with people, or do you mostly go with your gut?

usually I need a good reason, but if that reason is provided I have no issue doing it

 

[Elfa]

1) Are you easily guilt-tripped?
Yes. By anyone who tries to, I guess... .-.

2) What do you sometimes envy in INFJs (or FJs in general)?
They are so expressive, they speak a lot (that would stop with the "oh, you're so quiet! say something! blablablah!"), they are very warm and make people feel confortable. I like that.

3) Do you have a strong negative reaction to people who express emotions they're not really feeling ("phonies")?
I don't know how it is to express an emotion you are not feeling... I think people are usually genuine around here... Or maybe I just believe in anyone... I'm starting to think I'm maybe too naive somethimes... But maybe that's more like a grown up stuff, at work, when people have their issues with power - and since my life is all just school/college, family and friends, I don't see people being fake, and I don't see much reason for someone to be fake there. I don't know... Yeah, I self-doubt a lot, and I think that facilitates the guilt-tripping. And I'm very sleepy right now, so I'm in a bad mood and things look bad to me at this moment.

4) Is it hard for you to "cut off contact" with people?
It depends a lot... The closer you are, harder for me is to cut off contact. But it's never impossible to cut contact, people change over time...

5) Do you usually need a strong case to sever bonds with people, or do you mostly go with your gut?
I didn't get the question. Lol. xD

 

[OrangeAppled]

1) Are you easily guilt-tripped?

Generally, no. I really like the word "no", and I make good use of it. Guilt is not an emotion I feel a lot either. My own sense of wrong/right wins out over someone else trying to impose theirs on me.

The only time in my history I've found it hard to say no is with dating. I've pity-dated a bit in the past. Funny how in every other situation I found it easy to say no. Now, I no longer pity-date because I realized it's not doing anyone a favor.

2) What do you sometimes envy in INFJs (or FJs in general)?

I envy the relative social ease FJs seem to have. Even a shy, reserved INFJ seems to have a better grasp of social protocol than I have. From my perspective, it gives them a leg up on communication also. I can articulate ideas & feelings well, but if people want more breezy, casual talk, then I'm tongue-tied. FJs seem to adapt better.

I like some of the other answers here also, regarding expressing affection & warmth, and how it seems to come easier to FJs. I envy that too. I'm no good at any of that...

3) Do you have a strong negative reaction to people who express emotions they're not really feeling ("phonies")?

More like mild annoyance. It's really hard to get a strong negative reaction out of me, outside of directly violating something important to me. If it's just some behavior unrelated to me, then I'll pretty easily ignore it & avoid the person in the future.

4) Is it hard for you to "cut off contact" with people?

It's hard for me to stay in contact with people. I'm known for disappearing from my social sphere for months on end. If I actively wish to not be in contact with someone, then it's very easy for me to do so. It's something of my default mode to NOT be in contact with people.

5) Do you usually need a strong case to sever bonds with people, or do you mostly go with your gut?

I always make a case to myself. I don't like to act rashly on emotion. That's probably what led to pity-dating in the past (I'd make a case for the guy; argue his imaginary value against my gut instinct, which said "no, you will never be attracted to him" or "no, he's a creep, run!"). Now, I give more credit to my gut instinct (which I realize is an emotional reaction signaling a need to evaluate something), but I still reason on why I feel that way. I NEED to make sense of things, and so my feelings always get analyzed & intellectualized, & in the end, supported by reason. Also, the more serious the matter, the more I will need to make sense of it.

I am quite curious as to the way the INFPs likes to project themselves when they suddenly feel emotionally hurt. Is it different from person to person?

Everyone (regardless of type), at times, will project onto other people when hurt. Please clarify what you mean.

 

[BAJ]

Moar quessiunz!

1) Are you easily guilt-tripped?

Probably I feel guilty already. It's like there is a well of sorrow that I walk around, and the right kick will dunk me in it. Sometimes I dunk myself.

2) What do you sometimes envy in INFJs (or FJs in general)?

Not sure.

3) Do you have a strong negative reaction to people who express emotions they're not really feeling ("phonies")?

Note to sales people---> Stay away.

4) Is it hard for you to "cut off contact" with people?

Yes. Major life events really make me sad. Leaving the high school friends made me into a sobbing fit. Having college friends get married and the relationship changes caused major depression. For years after I called. I've been cut off, but sometimes I'd have over $200 long distance charges per month. He asked me if I couldn't make new friends

5) Do you usually need a strong case to sever bonds with people, or do you mostly go with your gut?

It depends. It's difficult to get "in", but if you are "in", then it's hard to let you go. I'm very loyal to "therapy level" friends. However, if the relationship is too costly, then I'll sever it. Other relationships, I sever or drop back to lower levels of trust easily. You have to burn me. I would necessarily end it, but I will put you back on a lower level of disclosure.

I had a friend who was at "therapy level", but he started dating a crack whore, and it created too many problems. I changed my phone numbers.

 

[entropie]

Dear infps,

do you tend to tell your nights dream to your partner in the morning ?

 

[Oaky]

Everyone (regardless of type), at times, will project onto other people when hurt. Please clarify what you mean.

A misunderstanding. I do not mean projection bias. I talk about the way an INFP displays himself once he/she is feeling emotionally discontent. How do they act?

 

[Southern Kross]

I had asked this question before but got no response. I suppose I'll ask it again in different words...

I am quite curious as to the way the INFPs likes to project themselves when they suddenly feel emotionally hurt. Is it different from person to person?

A misunderstanding. I do not mean projection bias. I talk about the way an INFP displays himself once he/she is feeling emotionally discontent. How do they act?

I think this is very much dependent on a number of factors and probably is more of an individual thing.

Personally, if it is a sudden, brutal hurt I tend to totally shut down, possibly even walk out; I want to escape the conflict and collect myself. I find such circumstances so psychically overwhelming I can't even think straight and go into deer-in-the-headlights mode. I especially don't like to show how I'm feeling in such moments, so crying is a big no-no, however much it hurts - I have learned this the hard way by age 13. Overall, I suppose to others I appear deathly silent, incredulous and grim.

If it is a case of someone prodding and prodding me, over and over I may snap and aggressively defend myself - much to most people's surprise. I usually keep my temper (with everyone except immediate family), unless they press my buttons enough. Admittedly, as I get older, I am less inclined to take this sort of crap lying down.

 

[Oaky]

I think this is very much dependent on a number of factors and probably is more of an individual thing.

Personally, if it is a sudden, brutal hurt I tend to totally shut down, possibly even walk out; I want to escape the conflict and collect myself. I find such circumstances so psychically overwhelming I can't even think straight and go into deer-in-the-headlights mode. I especially don't like to show how I'm feeling in such moments, so crying is a big no-no, however much it hurts - I have learned this the hard way by age 13. Overall, I suppose to others I appear deathly silent, incredulous and grim.

If it is a case of someone prodding and prodding me, over and over I may snap and aggressively defend myself - much to most people's surprise. I usually keep my temper (with everyone except immediate family), unless they press my buttons enough. Admittedly, as I get older, I am less inclined to take this sort of crap lying down.

Hmm, I see. Yes, I had thought the general INFP would do similar. The whole leave the conflict situation immediately and compression of emotions. I had known a few who would do this and generally the INFPs don't often show their inner feelings upon things in the outside world.

 

[Anew Leaf]

A misunderstanding. I do not mean projection bias. I talk about the way an INFP displays himself once he/she is feeling emotionally discontent. How do they act?

Thanks for clarifying!

I will think on this and respond later.

 

[Esoteric Wench]

I have a question about INFPs. Specifically, I'm having some trouble finding common ground with my INFP BFF right now which makes me very sad and maybe you guys can help me understand how to interact with her better.

The Sitch:

1. Basically, my INFP has married a guy that is a total goober. Seriously. He doesn't make her happy. And, I've been told by a mutual friend that once, when very drunk, she admitted to this mutual friend that she knows she made a mistake.
2. As time has passed, I've been having a more and more difficult time tolerating this guy. He treats her poorly. He has treated me poorly. He has told her that her friends are not welcome in their home during weeknights... which makes me feel unwelcome in their home at any time.
3. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and I had to say something about it to her. I used "I" statements and kept my comments limited to the problems I was having with him, but she and I both understood the implications even if I was trying very hard not to not get into the morass of making comments about her marriage.
4. She has obviously dropped back a bit since this conversation. I'm her BFF and in her inner circle. Frankly this has caused me a lot of pain and I don't know exactly what to do about it without driving her away more.
5. My read on the situation is that as her marriage seems to be getting worse and worse, she seems to be projecting her vision that the marriage is a good and happy one more and more.

My question is about #5. It seems to me that INFPs have very strong visions about themselves... like who they are and what they want and their place in the world. <- This is a wonderful thing, but how does an INFP handle things when one's vision about oneself/ one's life doesn't match up with the facts.

In the case of my INFP friend, it seems that she is clinging onto her vision tooth and nail. She refuses to give it up even in light of obvious problems. She works very hard to protect her vision. She distances herself from things that might contradict her vision of herself as a happily married woman... such as her own private self-talk (in other words, think no bad thoughts), such as overlooking/rationalizing blatantly goober behaviors by her husband, such as distancing herself from her friends that have seen behind the curtain and know there are problems regardless of her public presentation that all is well.

I've noticed in other areas of her life that she needs alone time to regroup and massage her vision for herself. But I've never seen her dig her heels in like this before. It's her life and I'm totally willing to accept that she wants to make her marriage work right now, but it feels to me that now that she's identified me as potentially hostile to her vision of herself as a happily married woman, she's going to push me back a bit.

Does this behavior ring true to any INFPs? If so what can I do to be supportive of her, true to myself, and not drive her away?

Your comments are greatly appreciated.

 

[Viridian]

Dear INFPs: Have you ever done something very, very petty? If so, what do you feel about it - shame, regret, anger?

Pandas!