[MENTION=8485]tinker683[/MENTION]
Thanks for your reply,
I'll visit your blog after I reply here...
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Read a few posts from the beginning of your blog, when you described your internal thought processes I could relate to some of the relationship stuff - felt similar to things I went through in high school and shortly after that and I approached similar situations in similar ways.
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I am also male, and sometimes I do forget that gender can account for some type descriptions being skewed more toward one gender or the other (but I think that applies more to MBTI than the Enneagram).
That need to be needed bit is interesting. I feel in myself what I would call a "need to be wanted" and a "desire to be helpful", but I would not say I feel a "need to be needed".
I enjoy the feeling I get from doing things for others and by helping friends and family out whenever I can, and I also enjoy doing things for some strangers, but when it gets outside of friends and family, I limit it to social groups I identify with on some level. I usually won't go out of my way to help complete strangers, but if I see something in them that I identify with, then I don't mind taking the time to talk with them and see if there is anything I can do for them, but I usually limit it to advice and/or sympathy in those cases. One very important factor for me is that if someone asks me to do something for them, that diminishes the enjoyment of it in most cases (if they are coming to me because its a personal matter and they trust me to be able to talk about it, or if they are seeking my help in an area I have expertise in, thats something I appreciate, and is very different from "hey, can you help me move furniture this weekend?") - if I don't feel like I'm the one making the choice of how to use my time and talents to do something for someone, then it doesnt feel special to me. When I can do something
unexpected and/or creative for someone that brightens their day, thats when I feel really good about it. Sometimes I will be shopping and see something and say "oh! I bet so and so would love this" and get it for them (at least thats what I used to do when i was employed
), and sometimes a friend will talk about some problem they are having, and if I think I can offer advice, support or a solution, I will try to find a way to approach them and offer to help (if I feel there is anything i can do).
Being motivated by wanting to be loved is the main thing I identify with in Type 2s, but I'm not sure if what I feel is quite the same thing as you describe either. My single greatest goal in life is to find one person I can love who will also love me and I can spend the rest of my life with. Outside of the desire for a romantic love, I do still have a very strong desire to be liked and respected by everyone, but I'm not sure where that fits when compared to wanting to be loved by everyone. I have felt the frustration of love not returned before, and I questioned weather I was worthy of being loved at that time which sounds similar to the fear of being unlovable, but its something I only experience when I love someone and I begin to have doubts whether they feel the same or not. I've never felt the feeling of "nobody loves me" because I know I have relatives and friends that care about me, but their feelings about me are not what really matters to me in the moments where I'm questioning my self worth.
I'm actually more likely to feel anger/frustration/torment at the sentiment of "nobody understands me" (which points back to a high probability that 4 is my core type even tho I don't make an effort to be individualistic). There was a year or two in my life where I felt like all I needed was "someone who understands me", but through nearly all my life I've felt/known that what I need is "somebody to love who will also love me", so I have a hard time deciding which of those is more influential in Enneagram type.
The notion of a self image of "goodness" is one I also relate to at least a little bit. I didn't used to give this much thought, but there have been several instances where it was brought to my attention that several people did not feel I showed enough appreciation for the things they did for me and although it never crossed my mind that a simple "thank you" was insufficient, I still felt terrible once I knew how they felt. I try to be humble about it, and I don't ask for or expect anything when I do something for someone, but I do feel a sense of pride in the attributes of being "kind" and "caring" and when I feel that I have failed to be those things, I feel bad about myself. It's only happened a couple times in my life but I have had moments where I felt like (but do not actually say) "I do my best to be there for all of you, but when I need some help, is anyone willing to do the same for me? no!" (that particular instance was in regard to frustration with my guild mates when I was playing a Everquest quite a few years ago). I can't deny feeling a bit of resentment in those rare times, and of course I later go on to feel bad about having had that feeling/reaction in the first place.
I'm going through a phase of my own right now where I'm trying to analyze and correct my flaws and weak areas, but for me those are quite different than the ones you have overcome. For me, those problem areas are self confidence, self sufficiency, not being as open as I feel I should be in relationships, and being more receptive to the concerns and feedback of friends and family.
