[NT] NTs: How do you show appreciation?

[01011010]

Most of the time, I give thoughtful gifts. I might pat them on the shoulder etc. I have a very hard time with verbal affirmation.

 

[Xander]

Personaly I hate saying 'thanks' or any of the commonly accepted norms. I do make an effort every once in a while to reaffirm that I keep people around because I like them, generally by less than direct methods but I try to make it clear.

Basically the revelation which hit me recently was that if I care then I think about it. If the missus asks me about weddings (which she has recently) then no I don't suddenly fire into enthusiasm or tell her how much I want a wedding (I'm ambivalent about such things) but I do think about it and keep thinking about it (not all the time as a constant thing but more that it keeps bubbling to the surface of my thoughts). For example I know the whole get together after the ordeal.. sorry ceremony.. is important to her but the idea of a disco or some kind of dance fills me with dread only matched by the idea of performing in a play on stage and forgetting all my lines... so my concept was, why not a roller disco. She used to rollerskate as a kid (could even dance apparently) and I'm proficient enough not to fall over every five minutes. Plus, as most people can't dance on skates, I'll get less hassle about dancing. Perfect, I thought. That there shows I care about it in my terms, not some off the cuff prerecorded response to show my appreciation or some such.

 

[INA]

I do make an effort every once in a while to reaffirm that I keep people around because I like them, generally by less than direct methods but I try to make it clear.
That there shows I care about it in my terms, not some off the cuff prerecorded response to show my appreciation or some such.

I can identify with this, but I am concerned that wires may get crossed in my effort to do it my way. Granted, anyone who knows you really well would be able to read where you are going with the idea However, not everyone will know you that well and there is always room for misunderstanding. Even if they know what you mean by your own effort, I question how effective it is in accomplishing what you mean to do. For some people, the mere realization of being appreciated may not be enough; they want you to convey it in ways that resonate with them, or else it is not really real.

 

[Xander]

I can identify with this, but I am concerned that wires may get crossed in my effort to do it my way. Granted, anyone who knows you really well would be able to read where you are going with the idea However, not everyone will know you that well and there is always room for misunderstanding. Even if they know what you mean by your own effort, I question how effective it is in accomplishing what you mean to do. For some people, the mere realization of being appreciated may not be enough; they want you to convey it in ways that resonate with them, or else it is not really real.

Ringmasters (those who expect me to jump through hoops for them) often find themselves talking to their own projections of truth... me, I'm long gone.

 

[INA]

Ringmasters (those who expect me to jump through hoops for them) often find themselves talking to their own projections of truth... me, I'm long gone.

Suppose they do not try to have you jump through hoops but you know it would mean a lot to them if you did?

 

[Xander]

Suppose they do not try to have you jump through hoops but you know it would mean a lot to them if you did?

I will conceed to jumping through a few but if they ask too much (ie begin to take the piss) then I'm afriad it's a case of "your credit has run out... now run along... I need to recharge".

 

[Dom]

I can identify with this, but I am concerned that wires may get crossed in my effort to do it my way. Granted, anyone who knows you really well would be able to read where you are going with the idea However, not everyone will know you that well and there is always room for misunderstanding. Even if they know what you mean by your own effort, I question how effective it is in accomplishing what you mean to do. For some people, the mere realization of being appreciated may not be enough; they want you to convey it in ways that resonate with them, or else it is not really real.

It's not really a case of it being real or not, but (this is as a feeller discussing NT's expressing appreciation/affection) it could be imagined. The 'receiver' could interpret, time spent and the like as appreciation but this same result could be got at from many directions; a lack of friendships, too polite to say piss off, etc etc etc..

I'm married to my NT and my first wife was an NT also, now I intrepret their behaviour very differently, I understand how my NT wife may express her feelings in differrent or not conventional ways and i love this. But She also expresses it in a more 'normal' way. Such as physically touching me, telling me how she feels, and little gifts! Some of these 'gifts' are amazingly loveing ideas and projects, sadly they fall prey to the INTPs lack of J but I understand what was meant.

However, it is a two way street, if you expect someone to accept the way you feel comfortable as a genuine expression of affection/appreciation then you should thiers and if you really cared, you'd be happy to occasionaly move beyond your comfort zone to make them feel happy/appreciated. If that is too much effort, on the odd occasion, then it's simply the case that they are right to be suspect about how important they are to you...

 

[Dom]

At any random time I might do something I've never done before and experience life in a way that I've never experienced it before - and I enjoy that. I like showing appreciation and gratitude whenever I truly feel it. (Are you talking about appreciation specifically, or love in a more general sense?) How I express this might largely depend on the person and circumstances, but things I have done already include letters and emails, unique custom gifts made just for the receiver, writing songs, quality time, showing an interest, forgiveness and understanding, surprises, prose, precise and beautiful words spoken just the right way at just the right time, help, and probably a few other things.

These things reflect how much I appreciate the person as well as my own personality. I take my feelings and try to mold them into something greater as I express them. Even expression with me is a challenge - but it's one that I relish and enjoy. Maybe I should call it a game instead of a challenge. I'm always trying to be as great as I can be, and if I'm willing to try to put that greatness into some kind of expressive communication or act with or for you, it means that you are important. (And it really doesn't even matter how you respond to it. I'll be happy with what I've done.)

I'm not extremely expressive. I'm not that expressive at all if I just go with the flow. It's just that when I decide to it, I'm very good at it. The feeling (F) that spurs the act of expression is genuine, the calculation, precision, challenge, and enjoyment that come from the process of putting together an awesome expression are what my T side enjoys, and the T and F sides of me equally enjoy the genuine results when I've shared my feelings and touched another person - while relishing in the fact that I was so good at doing it that I brought them tears of joy. (I like to make everything profound, but I will never lie, trick myself, or evade logic to get there, because that's what makes things profound in the first place. - Logic and emotion being in harmony.)

Things like what I've mentioned above only happen when I can tell the person really wants to or needs to hear it (which I don't mind doing, I actually enjoy it, especially since what I'm saying is true) or when the desire to express my feeling is so strong that I am propelled to do it on my own.

The majority of the time, I'm just being normal and having a good time. Most people in my life either don't crave appreciation from me (because they are not needy or weird in the head) or they just haven't done enough to deserve something above and beyond the normal every day signs that say "I like you and enjoy having you around."

Ok, so let me get this right, you use the opportunities to show someone how much you appreciate them to demostrate what an amazingly talented person you are? You take the opportunity as a stage to present yourself in all your glory? Hehe, how terribly ENTP of you!

Each to their own, but this kind of thing led me to distrust ENTPS expressions of affection, if it sounds too good to be true it probably is!

 

[SquirrelTao]

"Thanks";however, I generally try to keep myself out of situations where people are doing things for me.

Why?

 

[cafe]

My NT husband tells me thanks or variations of "You're so good to me!"

He didn't always, though. I'm not sure when he figured out that I run on strokes and if you want to encourage me to a continue a certain behavior, all it takes to do so is a sincere 'thanks!' A few words is all it costs him to have his wife totally eating out of his hand. Sometimes I think he's got it kind of easy.

 

[LucrativeSid]

Ok, so let me get this right, you use the opportunities to show someone how much you appreciate them to demostrate what an amazingly talented person you are? You take the opportunity as a stage to present yourself in all your glory? Hehe, how terribly ENTP of you!

Each to their own, but this kind of thing led me to distrust ENTPS expressions of affection, if it sounds too good to be true it probably is!

Essentially, yes, but you're making it sound different than it really is. I also mentioned that when I feel the urge, I just come out and say something sweet because I mean it. And I mentioned that I don't care about how they respond. I'd hope they like what I said, but I'm not doing it just to boost my ego. It's all genuine.

It's of no consequence to me if you don't see it that way. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is, unless it's me. Then you're just lucky! (I jest, but I honestly don't think I'm insincere with it all.)

 

[01011010]

For some people, the mere realization of being appreciated may not be enough; they want you to convey it in ways that resonate with them, or else it is not really real.

This happened with an ESFP friend of mine. The way I showed appreciation didn't seem real to him. He used "Real" verbatim.

 

[Jughead]

I use typical words and gestures where it's the local currency, and express appreciation when I think it's deserved.

Me too.

 

[Fiver]

If you think of your relationships as systems (which can come naturally to an NT), then showing appreciation is a way to make the system work better and with less effort.

However, if you truly appreciate someone and want them to know it, it must be in a form that means something to them. Otherwise, it will not be effective. And why go through the effort if it's not going to be effective?

If I'm focusing on my own personality, gifts, limitations, etc to package my appreciation, it's really just about me. Isn't it? For example, if I show my appreciation by giving you a big, fat comfy hug and you hate to be touched? Errrrr...you are not going to feel appreciated.

 

[Uytuun]

Greatly depends on how well I know them/how comfortable I am around them. It's much easier for me to be emotionally expressive (Fi, not Fe) with feelers - among other (N)Ts no words need be said/I'm not that inclined to say appreciative stuff.

 

[INA]

Funny. It depends, I guess. With mild to moderate feelers, that may work. With strong feelers, I absolutely freeze up and roboticize esp. if they expect reciprocation (and alas they do). No can do. GTFO or I'm heading for the hills. But I sometimes like playing Ms. Fluffy to Robots myself. The operative word there being "playing".

 

[MacGuffin]

Ts: thank you

Fs: I try hugs, cause the words they are looking for usually feel false to me

 

[runvardh]

Funny. It depends, I guess. With mild to moderate feelers, that may work. With strong feelers, I absolutely freeze up and roboticize esp. if they expect reciprocation (and alas they do). No can do. GTFO or I'm heading for the hills. But I sometimes like playing Ms. Fluffy to Robots myself. The operative word there being "playing".

As long as fluffy play is born out of sincer appreciation then this is fine; besides, there are still things that need to be decided on and dealt with where the cuddly doesn't help.

Ts: thank you

Fs: I try hugs, cause the words they are looking for usually feel false to me

For some of us, words are nice, but the hug goes much more appreciated. I feel unnaturally obligated when words are used, to tell you the truth; it feels like someone is expecting something of me.

 

[INA]

As long as fluffy play is born out of sincer appreciation then this is fine; besides, there are still things that need to be decided on and dealt with where the cuddly doesn't help.

Fie upon your suspicions. 'Tis ever sincere.

For some of us, words are nice, but the hug goes much more appreciated. I feel unnaturally obligated when words are used, to tell you the truth; it feels like someone is expecting something of me.

Cosign all of this.

 

[runvardh]

Fie upon your suspicions. 'Tis ever sincere.

I was being general. My experience with NTs has been that I don't have to worry about this when it's coming from them, though.

Cosign all of this.

I understand what cosign means, but who is supposed to do it?