Not an INFP thing but possibly a man thing.
Edit: I am remarking on the reluctance to say "sorry"
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[MBTI General] NFs! Help prevent a murder!
- Thread starter Kangirl
- Start date
Not an INFP thing but possibly a man thing.
Edit: I am remarking on the reluctance to say "sorry"
Southern Kross
Away with the fairies
- Joined
- Dec 22, 2008
- Messages
- 2,910
- MBTI Type
- INFP
- Enneagram
- 4w5
- Instinctual Variant
- so/sp
As an INFP and as a person frequently on the receiving end of tardiness, I sympathize your feelings kangirl but I understand why your boyfriend behaves as he does.
Firstly, I can't tell you how horrifying an argument or even calm confrontation is to an INFP. If your boyfriend is anything like me, he HATES himself right now and is positively torn up with guilt - no matter what he says. You don't need to worry about punishing him because no one could punish him more than he is already doing so to himself. You are right to be angry, his behaviour is wrong but you have to find the right way to address it.
I have an ISFP friend who is CHRONICALLY late. Every time she arrives with a series of excuses which are always vaguely reasonable but infuriating none the less. This is basically the way I addressed the situation and is how I suggest you go about it:
Sit him down calmly in a non-confrontational manner and explain your feelings on the matter. Ask for him to give you your chance to speak and for him to listen and that he will have his turn afterwards. Use the word 'I' more than 'you' - it will feel less like an accusation to him and more like a open discussion. Eg. Rather than saying, "You need to learn to manage your time better" say "I feel embarrassed/unloved/frustrated when you are late". This language will have more of an effect on him. The point is to emphasize that while you understand he doesn't like to live an overly-organized life, you feel disrespected by his lateness, like you are not worth the effort. Tell him that you feel that if he really wanted to be on time, he would be (believe me I know). If he had a interview for a really amazing job, of course he would get there on time because it matters to him that he do so. Tell him that his actions feel like they're saying to you, "What I'm doing now (beforehand) is more important to me than her. She doesn't matter enough. She can wait. She will wait. Why should I rush?" Almost all excuses for lateness really aren't good enough. If he says he missed the bus or the bus was late, he should have been taking an earlier bus to make sure he arrived early or on time. Emphasize that this is issue is important to the relationship because its basically about respect and courtesy.
I hope this helps.
Firstly, I can't tell you how horrifying an argument or even calm confrontation is to an INFP. If your boyfriend is anything like me, he HATES himself right now and is positively torn up with guilt - no matter what he says. You don't need to worry about punishing him because no one could punish him more than he is already doing so to himself. You are right to be angry, his behaviour is wrong but you have to find the right way to address it.
I have an ISFP friend who is CHRONICALLY late. Every time she arrives with a series of excuses which are always vaguely reasonable but infuriating none the less. This is basically the way I addressed the situation and is how I suggest you go about it:
Sit him down calmly in a non-confrontational manner and explain your feelings on the matter. Ask for him to give you your chance to speak and for him to listen and that he will have his turn afterwards. Use the word 'I' more than 'you' - it will feel less like an accusation to him and more like a open discussion. Eg. Rather than saying, "You need to learn to manage your time better" say "I feel embarrassed/unloved/frustrated when you are late". This language will have more of an effect on him. The point is to emphasize that while you understand he doesn't like to live an overly-organized life, you feel disrespected by his lateness, like you are not worth the effort. Tell him that you feel that if he really wanted to be on time, he would be (believe me I know). If he had a interview for a really amazing job, of course he would get there on time because it matters to him that he do so. Tell him that his actions feel like they're saying to you, "What I'm doing now (beforehand) is more important to me than her. She doesn't matter enough. She can wait. She will wait. Why should I rush?" Almost all excuses for lateness really aren't good enough. If he says he missed the bus or the bus was late, he should have been taking an earlier bus to make sure he arrived early or on time. Emphasize that this is issue is important to the relationship because its basically about respect and courtesy.
I hope this helps.
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