Need some advice from INTPs - especially males

[Sunshine8]

My boyfriend is an INTP and I am having trouble figuring some things out. We have been going out for over a year.

First issue: He is not very good at saying 'I love you' etc, although he has when probed has admitted that he does. He was very keen for me to meet his family and friends etc (he wanted the relationship more than me in the beginning). He has also lost the plot a couple of times and nearly cried when we have had fights so I am guessing there are feelings there...somewhere...out there...

I am trying to work out whether he will ever become more expressive about how he feels, or whether it just isn't something he is capable of. It frustrates me sometimes because as an ENFJ I am very affectionate and giving that way. He is 40 years old so I would have though that how someone is by that age is pretty immutable. He makes up songs for me and nick-names etc...so that should be a good sign, right?

The second thing I would like advice with is INTPs and teasing. I get worried sometimes that my partner doesn't respect me enough because he will tease me about little things and sort of pay me out. I have never had a partner do that before and it challenges my self-esteem at times. My ex was an INFJ and we spent most of our time together being intimate and close, which isn't really compatible with being teased. Is this his attempt at intimacy? Do INTPs only pay out people they like? He always seems pretty polite in company, but very restrained.

The last thing I want to ask about is double-standards. On the one hand he is quite happy to be very vigilant about his own needs (getting a good seat in a restaurant, not getting wet in the rain etc) yet seems very oblivious to others needs to the point of criticising others for 'complaining' even when their issues may be very relevant to a situation (in my view). He doesn't seem to have much compassion for the needs of little children or even me at times. He will not give me a lot of eye contact when I am talking to him, and barely seems to be listening, but when he is talking I give him my full attention. Even though I am more extroverted it has ended up that he does a lot more of the talking when we are alone. And we usually end up talking about what he wants to talk about because he fazes out in seconds as soon as I try to raise anything.

Is he an unfeeling person? Is he a selfish person? Or is he just so introverted that he can't see other people as being as important as himself?

We have been talking about kids etc, but I am very hesitant to set up my life with him until I can work some of this stuff out. I can't be with someone who doesn't see me as an equal.

I also worry that he will be a pretty crap Dad, because he is so easily irritated by external things and I cannot see him coping well with baby vomit and sleepless nights etc. Perhaps I underestimate him. Perhaps it would bring out the best in him but it seems unlikely. I can just picture him in the labour ward being irritated that the baby hasn't come yet and checking his watch while I try to calm HIM down. Not a good image!

Anyway, any insight you are able to give would be helpful.



Help!

 

[proteanmix]

Welcome to MBTIc!!!:hi:
Maybe you should put this on the main forum? You'll probably get more answers.

I'm an EnFJ and I find myself more compatible with ISTPs than INTPs. I only know three INTPs: two of them are female and the male is my brother. I know this is mean but IMHO they're pretty emotionally stunted. I don't like having to write a thesis on why I want you to hug me or why the chairs of several neurology departments didn't take to kindly to you as a program assistant telling them how to classify neurological disorders. It'll come down to you defending your feelings a lot. I find that many people think an EFJs basic desire to be close and intimate with another person generally comes across as clingy and dependent. It would probably help if you two discussed what levels of non-sexual physical intimacy is tolerable for both of you. He may think cuddling and hugging with you every three days is enough and you may think three times a day is good. You'll have to find some middle ground because you have different expectations. I've always thought that if both partners loved each other in the way the OTHER partner wants to receive it (not as the partner wants to show it) it makes a better relationship. But then again, it's helpful to know how to read the other partners love signals and accept their signs of affection like that as well. It seems to me that you are doing that.

I like lots of affection, I don't think I could ever get too much. It's hard for me to think that I would have to compromise such a vital thing to my emotional well-being. It's sometimes hurtful when I read member after member complaining about some ENFJ or ESFJ they know being "clingy and dependent." I guess that I've always understood how we Fe-dominants communicate our caring to each other so I've never thought of the behavior as being such.

You being a Fe dominant and him being Ti dominant requires a lot of stretching and accommodating on both of you.

Sorry that's all I got.

 

[proteanmix]

He will not give me a lot of eye contact when I am talking to him, and barely seems to be listening, but when he is talking I give him my full attention. Even though I am more extroverted it has ended up that he does a lot more of the talking when we are alone. And we usually end up talking about what he wants to talk about because he fazes out in seconds as soon as I try to raise anything.

I'm back!

Yeah this happens A LOT with my good INTP friend. She talks about whatever she's thinking and I try to demonstrate that I care about what she thinks by active listening; asking questions, asking for further explanation. Over the last year I've kinda gotten tired of that because she never asks me or reciprocates. When I have talked about my ideas on things and what I think she goes straight in trying to poke holes or say why it's not the way I'm thinking so basically it's gotten to the point where I don't say much of anything to her about what I think about stuff, especially since this is an election year. For all I know about MBTI this irritates the hell out of me! As it is now, I'm reluctant to voice those kind of thoughts to people because I know they're not very well formed and I need to talk them out for them to be clearer to me. I don't like to be criticized when I'm in that stage of thinking my thoughts because they're not solid. Now I just dump them on my blog and that's satisfies me. I've also observe the other INTP just being so stubborn towards other people telling them something won't work without offering alternatives, just stomping over other people saying how stupid they are. It happens on the forum too. I don't know what to do about that, I guess it's part of their nature. Maybe they mellow with age?

I also worry that he will be a pretty crap Dad, because he is so easily irritated by external things and I cannot see him coping well with baby vomit and sleepless nights etc. Perhaps I underestimate him. Perhaps it would bring out the best in him but it seems unlikely. I can just picture him in the labour ward being irritated that the baby hasn't come yet and checking his watch while I try to calm HIM down. Not a good image!

Oh, gawd I hate for this to be bitching session but I've noticed that as well! My INTP coworker once started crying because she couldn't figure out how to use the vending machine. She routinely complains about the water fountain next to her cube being too loud! She doesn't like the fax machine beeping...blah blah blah. I guess when I'm at work I just stop listening to those noises but they really bother her it's like they're all she can concentrate on. I think it's their Si. It seems to me that they like their living environment or a place they spend large amounts of time to be very stable and unchanging because changing that home life routines causes a lot of having to rememorize "details" they don't want to have to do.

It's not like I don't do my fair share of complaining it's just I try to tip the balances in favor of positivity rather than always being critical.

Also, is it possible that your b/f is a Highly Sensitive Person? What triggers his aggravation typically? If you can figure out a pattern of what trips it it may be possible for him to be less exposed to the causes if that's possible.

 

[Sunshine8]

Thankyou, that is so spot on - it's hilarious! The beeping thing...the water cooler. My BF has complained about other people's shoes being too loud when he is working. And he can't relax anywhere there is a draft...oh my god...