[ISTP] ISTP Relationships, Love and Romance

[grendiecat]

So little out there on this--yes, ISTPs are painfully irresistible but what makes them tick romantically--what are they really looking for in a woman and is sex really so purely physical, not so emotional for them? I'm an ENFJ (though almost an ENFP).

 

[htb]

Typical male ISTPs enjoy their partners' participation in their own favorite activities; assert the right to space and time alone (sequestering a private shed or attic when cohabiting); show love and affection through nonverbal, matter-of-fact gestures; and have little patience for the psychological, sociological and theoretical discussions which NFs and NTs are wont to broach.

 

[alcea rosea]

So little out there on this--yes, ISTPs are painfully irresistible but what makes them tick romantically--what are they really looking for in a woman and is sex really so purely physical, not so emotional for them? I'm an ENFJ (though almost an ENFP).

Typical male ISTPs enjoy their partners' participation in their own favorite activities; assert the right to space and time alone (sequestering a private shed or attic when cohabiting); show love and affection through nonverbal, matter-of-fact gestures; and have little patience for the psychological, sociological and theoretical discussions which NFs and NTs are wont to broach.

I am married to one (ISTP) but I don't know if he is VERY typical example of one.
Few comments here:
- what makes ISTP's tick romantically made me . In my experience they are not the most romantic of types. They show their affection by physically demonstrating it or buying presents or doing things you would never imagine them to do and when they do those things you really see how much you are appreciated.
- I think everything is very physical in ISTP's even if they do not rush into action without thinking it first (primary Ti!)
- They can feel emotionally reticent but that doesn't meant that they wont feel anything
- discussions with ISTP's can be very interesting and they are open to discuss about most subjects that is why you can have really interesting conversations with them even in the field of psychology, sociology etc.
- I don't know about participating the favourite activity...
- They need certain level of freedom and independence and space around them so they can behave as they wish.
- They are not the ones who do things because things should be done in certain way.

 

[grendiecat]

thanks for the replies

Those are helpful answers--thanks to both of you. I have a bit of a crush on an ISTP, but he's recently divorced--actually a year ago--but still very much nursing those wounds. He's cool enough that I am genuinely interested in his friendship so we can go do these adrenalin sports together (I'm an ENFJ/P split). But, he's very much an "I" and may not need someone with him and I'm very much an "E" and want someone along for more fun. He's a total brainiac and that's also pretty exciting--conversation possibilities seem endless but I'm as into psychology/philosophy, etc. as I am into ATVing and other speed sports and have been concerned that he won't be up for those conversations or that I'm stressing him with those topics. He is also fairly direct in a way that has hurt my feelings (what a surprise) and it's hard not to interpret that as an indication that he doesn't really want my friendship. But he does pursue e-mailing me back and forth over the last several months (we live in separate cities). Well--enough preoccupation. They are wickedly seductive types though I would bet most have no idea that they're regarded in such a way.


I am married to one (ISTP) but I don't know if he is VERY typical example of one.
Few comments here:
- what makes ISTP's tick romantically made me . In my experience they are not the most romantic of types. They show their affection by physically demonstrating it or buying presents or doing things you would never imagine them to do and when they do those things you really see how much you are appreciated.
- I think everything is very physical in ISTP's even if they do not rush into action without thinking it first (primary Ti!)
- They can feel emotionally reticent but that doesn't meant that they wont feel anything
- discussions with ISTP's can be very interesting and they are open to discuss about most subjects that is why you can have really interesting conversations with them even in the field of psychology, sociology etc.
- I don't know about participating the favourite activity...
- They need certain level of freedom and independence and space around them so they can behave as they wish.
- They are not the ones who do things because things should be done in certain way.

 

[millerm277]

but what makes them tick romantically--what are they really looking for in a woman

Basically, someone who I like spending time with, and want to be around. Being at least relatively intelligent is important as well.

and is sex really so purely physical, not so emotional for them?

Possibly? Sex is unlikely to be happening before I have an attachement to someone, and as such, isn't necessarily going to be creating an emotional bond, as it already exists? However, the actual act of sex itself, is for me...probably about 90% physical, 10% emotional.

Also, I'm/we're not exactly romantic...

 

[htb]

He's a total brainiac and that's also pretty exciting--conversation possibilities seem endless but I'm as into psychology/philosophy, etc. as I am into ATVing and other speed sports and have been concerned that he won't be up for those conversations or that I'm stressing him with those topics.

Yes -- they're pretty one-way. Fair warning.

But I can vouch for seductiveness of the type. A female ISTP was saying goodbyes in her last hour on the job; we spoke for the first time (her having found me intimidating), and perhaps the last, and although ISTPs and I don't jive the exchange was scintillating. Rare and fine.

 

[Councilor]

From a detached perspective of myself:
ISTPs function by themself as a unit, and want to function as a complete unit when someone else is involved. If there is too much discord the ISTP is better of by themself.

I hate to use the tool analogy, but there is a time, place and method for sex. It is a tool to be used as the ISTP sees fit. There may be something better to use, and there probably is. It seems unfitting when the other person wants to use the sledge, when a chisel is called for - and would be more fun.

 

["?"]

The Personality Page has some tidbits on types in relations, as does LIFEXPLORE which says,

When falling in love, ISTPs are very attentive to small things that might be enjoyed by their partners, surprising them with those particular gifts. They would rather show their feelings through their actions than verbalize them. They are not likely to discuss their feelings about their relationships with their partners because they believe that the experiences that they have had together will speak for their feelings. Feelings are discuss only when necessary.

When scorned, ISTPs are not likely to share hurt feelings with the external world. If the couple still has some interests in common, ISTPs may maintain the relationship with the loved one, but on a different plane. They do not give up easily on their relationships, however, unless the weight of the factual evidence convinces them to do so. When the relationship is actually over, they are usually not vindictive. They see the end of the relationship as a concrete fact about which it does little good to worry. They can therefore move on to new experiences.

 

[Grayscale]

They are wickedly seductive types though I would bet most have no idea that they're regarded in such a way.

this sums it up pretty well. i really dont understand the reason behind the things others find admirable of me.

it's kinda annoying. i just dont get it and nobody seems to care to explain.

 

[Ghost of the dead horse]

Typical male ISTPs enjoy their partners' participation in their own favorite activities; assert the right to space and time alone (sequestering a private shed or attic when cohabiting); show love and affection through nonverbal, matter-of-fact gestures; and have little patience for the psychological, sociological and theoretical discussions which NFs and NTs are wont to broach.

I can verify the bolded parts per personal experience Well, she does have a bit of patience for theory. She doesn't exactly shrug it off.

 

[millerm277]

this sums it up pretty well. i really dont understand the reason behind the things others find admirable of me.

it's kinda annoying. i just dont get it and nobody seems to care to explain.

Same here...I have a bit of "luck" with those that I'm interested in, which I can't figure out (not that I'm complaining).

 

[sciski]

this sums it up pretty well. i really dont understand the reason behind the things others find admirable of me.

it's kinda annoying. i just dont get it and nobody seems to care to explain.

Well... for me, the ISTP impassiveness and silence, combined with their ability to take charge when necessary through physical means, gives the ISTP an aura of confidence and being in control - very attractive traits. The impassiveness and silence means that we (particularly Fs) can project any amount of deep and meaningful thoughts upon you - the Mr Darcy effect!

If you really want to burst that bubble, then do what my ISTP friend did - he told me what he was actually thinking about:
i) his motorbike
ii) why vampires didn't get fat
iii) car accidents

 

[luminous beam]

my take on...

this sums it up pretty well. i really dont understand the reason behind the things others find admirable of me.

it's kinda annoying. i just dont get it and nobody seems to care to explain.

personally, i think that what intrigues an NF about an ISTP is their ability to live their lives very independently (we can live independently, but we long to share ourselves w/others), pursuing their interests and such without really worrying or focusing on others as much as reaching their goals (we wish we could focus w/o our emotions getting in the way most of the time "compromising" things for ourselves at times), they're concrete, realistic, down to earth and practical (the N makes us look into things deeper and at times we miss what's right in front of us) and the fact that they can live their lives in simplicity (without the complications and drama that emotion can cause).

 

[grendiecat]

i think you're so right, luminous

Yes, I think an ISTP has a greater sense of freedom than the NFs. ISTPs seem like they can handle a lot of stress/conflict, without taking it so inside of themselves. I envy their calm because I'm always so restless and am attracted to their adventurous side because that physical expenditure of energy helps me burn away my tension/frustration when I engage in it (I mean in the sense of hiking/atving/exercising--completely wish I was capable of casual sex, darn--just can't go there). I've read that ENFJs and ISTPs can be a very good fit--I imagine because of the complementary qualities, but how can ISTP deal with an ENFJ's potential emotional neediness and how can an ENFJ deal with that ISTP independence? Does an ISTP long to share themselves with others? When my ISTP friend does share small aspects of his personality with me very directly, verbally, I receive it as a complement because I don't think he shares that readily with most people. I give very freely of myself to others, but if he's more hesitant, when he does, it feels more meaningful. I know what I get out of my friendship with him, but I feel somewhat unclear about what he gets out of it. I would think I would exhaust him with my energy. I find the relationship fascinating though--I'm learning about all of the qualities I wish I had.

 

[istpunk]

I say the same things about ENFJs. Deep inside I kinda scream a little because the ENFJ can be manipulative but not in the sense of controlling like the ESFJ.

I can see why ENFJ duals well with ISTJs who understands his social role and "rolls" with anything the ENFJ dishes out. I don't roll, I run. However, I grew up with an ISTJ so I can probably hang in there for awhile till this need to "dominate" like an ISTJ would eventually wear off.

I think it can work out, but I gotta figure out how I can better interact with those ENFJs.

 

[istpunk]

I did that to several personality types that I wished I could know more about and respected. I hope you don't see it as superficial as other work discussions you see. The sad thing is that most of the "good convo" that took place may not extend to further contact.

Yes -- they're pretty one-way. Fair warning.

But I can vouch for seductiveness of the type. A female ISTP was saying goodbyes in her last hour on the job; we spoke for the first time (her having found me intimidating), and perhaps the last, and although ISTPs and I don't jive the exchange was scintillating. Rare and fine.

 

[FrisbeeLad]

Yes, I think an ISTP has a greater sense of freedom than the NFs. ISTPs seem like they can handle a lot of stress/conflict, without taking it so inside of themselves. I envy their calm because I'm always so restless and am attracted to their adventurous side because that physical expenditure of energy helps me burn away my tension/frustration when I engage in it (I mean in the sense of hiking/atving/exercising--completely wish I was capable of casual sex, darn--just can't go there). I've read that ENFJs and ISTPs can be a very good fit--I imagine because of the complementary qualities, but how can ISTP deal with an ENFJ's potential emotional neediness and how can an ENFJ deal with that ISTP independence? Does an ISTP long to share themselves with others? When my ISTP friend does share small aspects of his personality with me very directly, verbally, I receive it as a complement because I don't think he shares that readily with most people. I give very freely of myself to others, but if he's more hesitant, when he does, it feels more meaningful. I know what I get out of my friendship with him, but I feel somewhat unclear about what he gets out of it. I would think I would exhaust him with my energy. I find the relationship fascinating though--I'm learning about all of the qualities I wish I had.

Hi,

This is a good question. I liken the relationship dependence or seeming lack thereof to dogs and cats. Having dated each of the FJ types, which I COMPLETELY DIG in their own ways, and now being married to an INFJ, I feel like the FJ's are dogs. Not in a derogatory sense , but in the sense of dependence. They need people around them. While ISTP's seem more like cats. Independent and aloof, but deep down they too want someone to be near them. Just not necessarily directly interacting with them at all times, but nearby. I think we DO have a need/craving to share our thoughts AND feelings with someone, just not very many people. Literally 1 or maybe 2 folks. It's nice to be able to download your day with someone who generally expresses an interest in hearing it. However, as a general rule, we (ISTPs) do not like to repeat ourselves, so if you missed it the first time, it'll be tough to get us to say it again. Plus, if you missed it the first time, we might take that as a lack of interest in hearing it in the first place.

I think you should go for it with the ISTP! S/he probably digs the idea of ATVing and active sports. Those are great activities you can share together that the ISTP will love. Note: the FJ's in general teach us how to express our feelings more. That's a major benefit that we get from them. Otherwise, without that help/experience we're a bit clueless in dealing with people's emotions. Plus, FJ's are usually better at organizing events, activities, and the like...which is helpful too.

My five cents.

 

[grendiecat]

very appreciated five cents frisbee

i think my istp is disappearing for a few days, going to lay low myself. glad to hear that the istp actually does crave that too--the contact/download. helps me feel grounded like someone gives a crap.

 

[heart]

Mr. Darcy was INJ, Heathcliff is the great ISTP of literature.

 

[Snowey1210]

From what I've seen ISTPs really need to be actively pursued. Just to get them to do anything requires a lot of persuasion, unless they were already going to do it anyway. I think letting them know straight out is probably the best form of action as they don't seem to go for subtlety. However don't be suprised if their reciprecation is notably underwelming, I'm sure they feel but they don't really show it.