INTPs, how do you experience depression?

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

share your experiences. Also, if you eventually got over it, how did you do it?

 

[RadicalDoubt]

For some reason my depression symptoms vary a lot based upon what circumstances or the type of mindset I am in? I guess the most consistent bits seem to be the ever constant sensation of exhaustion, anhedonia, a lack of interest in people/relationships/most things really, chronic rumination, as well as lacking motivation. I don't really feel "sad" at a conscious level unless I am faced with something that points out I am almost constantly in a low mood. I think at my worst I fall into a "woe is me" sort of mindset too, which is sort of silly and stupid.

I've been depressed for a very long time and still am not near being out of the mud, but one of the things that have helped me start to move forward is looking at the ways that I contribute to my own depression and trying to motivate myself to work on that. I'm a thinker at best and at worse and, if not forcing myself, will just ruminate on the many ways I could characterize or solve the problem rather than doing anything at all. For example, I used to have a big issue with being vaguely ascetic and hyper-self controlling, so I forced myself to do little things to counter this (ie. occasionally letting myself take breaks, grabbing a Starbucks when I didn't really deserve it, grabbing that extra piece of candy at the grocery store, maybe letting myself say some curse words, etc). It's shown a small change in my life, but small is better than nothing.

 

[JocktheMotie]

I've had some depressive episodes, the longest being freshman year of college, which probably lasted a month or two. I wouldn't say I've ever been truly capital-D Depressed for very long periods of time. I've never medicated to get out of them; just changed my life circumstances.


These episodes are characterized with a lot of navel gazing. Add some ennui, nihilism, solipsism, all that good stuff. A lot of lethargy; the "activation energy" for any kind of activity either physical or mental seems insurmountable so you just end up doing a lot of nothing. For INTPs, I find we get fixated on the past and indulge in familiarity as a version of psychological safety.


The way out of it, I think, is to just sort of blast yourself into a new situation. New experiences, new ideas, a new challenge. You have to let the past die. It's what holds you back. It sounds stupid but exercise really helps; you get habituated to low energy so even just going on walks to new locations will spark your mind and get you rolling again.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

share your experiences. Also, if you eventually got over it, how did you do it?

Medication, getting laid off, moving, and grad school. Also the general social environment changing to such an extent that voicing my honest opinion (which people would annoyingly pester me for despite not wanting to hear what I actually think) on something is no longer considered socially unacceptable.

 

[nihilistjellyfish-420]

share your experiences. Also, if you eventually got over it, how did you do it?

I don't think I'm depressed, or could properly qualify for a diagnosis, but since age 11, I've really struggled with a sense of self, and felt anhedonic, flat, and neutral. I may sometimes "feel" particularly happy, sad, angry etc but most of the time I just feel, just, plain and apathetic. I used to really enjoy drawing, and being with my family, when I was younger but it really died down as I got older and I lost interest in everything.

 

[Spamtar]

I used to have episodes of it. I get bummed out now adays a reasonable amount but its usually for a good reason. Back in the day it felt more chemical and removed from what was going on in my life. It was a similar to what I imagine having some evil wizard put a spell on me.

It felt like death. I would put myself in the fetal position and do my best to ride it out. My reason told me it would eventually pass (in about an hour which it would) but at the same time there was an infinity feeling about it. I could imagine this being similar (although not as intense) as what Alex felt in A Clockwork Orange when he heard (post/during treatment) Beethoven.
It seemed very removed from actual depressinging reasons.

 

[Totenkindly]

I had severe feelings of emotional depression at times in the past, but I more commonly experience it as numbness and indifference. I don't enjoy anything or find interest in anything, at best find ways to stimulate myself (eating, game playing, compulsive TV/film viewing). I also can become very avoidant, hiding from everyone. I have trouble accomplishing anything which just feeds it. I can definitely fall into a semi-pointless phase where nothing matters and everything seems devoid of meaning on a universal level.

I don't really know how to solve it. Sometimes it helps if I use a bit of structure to at least force myself to accomplish chores, and that eases the pressure if I make sure I get the bare essentials done. reaching out to a friend or doing something with someone (even if it's just parallel play) helps. Structuring creative time or forcing myself to do something new rather than something familiar will give me new ideas to explore. I did take meds at one point which helped take the edge off, although that has been years now.

Driving and walking/hiking also seems to be liberating.

 

[Falcarius]

From the end of 2013 until March 2015 Falcarius was utterly depressed. There were a lot of issues from his childhood he didn't really deal with and his job essentially tipped him over the edge. Working in an academic environment is a tough environment when one is in their mid-20's. Academics are not really known for their people skills or relatability; they had a weird 'frenemy' relationship within academia with each other. On a professional level, Falcarius' role did not really relate to his fellow support workers either as their roles linked up better with each other, whereas Falcarius' building administration meant he had to contact people in other departments or external contractors. Hence, he never felt part of the team or appreciated within his own department. The students were mainly people from foreign wealthy backgrounds so Falcarius had next to nothing in common with them. Those garden parties and cocktail parties at work were awkward as hell.

Because of his upbringing, Falcarius wanted to be appreciated; a lot of that comes down to having a parent who had serious mental health issues and the other who was incredibly cold and saw his place to be dependable. Falcarius wanted to be appreciated by everyone: the students, academics, and other support staff. The thing is nobody cares about facilities stuff until things go wrong and in which case it is probably out of Falcarius' hands, as he is depending on outside contractors at that point. That was further compounded by the fact Falcarius was only covering for someone on secondment for a few years at another department, so he was isolated and soon to be made redundant.

Falcarius' physician sent him to a psychiatrist, who in turn diagnosed him with depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Falcarius' psychiatrist also sent him to cognitive behaviour therapy and put him on the maximum dose of antidepressants, so it could make him actually sleep instead of staying up worrying about life. His work sent him to see an integrative psychotherapy who made Falcarius sit on a sofa that looked like Freud's couch, opposite sat the psychotherapist's dog who face away from Falcarius looking at the fireplace. Whenever Falcarius said anything too depressing, the dog would turn around and tilt its head to the side and give Falcarius puppy dog eyes. Falcarius can still picture the dog doing that shit now One knows when they make their psychotherapist's dog sad they have serious problems.

Falcarius is not totally sure how he overcome his depression as there was no magic answer or one thing that made him better. Sure the medication might have helped a little stabilising his mood but they didn't make him happy. The therapy might have helped him understand why he felt the way he did but he found it traumatic as it brought up bad memories from his childhood. Maybe cognitive behaviour therapy helped him learn more positive coping strategies but it is not that easy to put to practice when someone is deeply ill. More than anything it was being finally being made redundant and taking time out to recuperate and recover that probably had the biggest impact on him getting better. All Falcarius know for sure is that he has not had therapy or medication since the middle of 2015.