[INTP] INTP's and relationships

[Risen]

Lol!

haha.


Hahahaha!! Love it. Sounds like a quote or something



Just what a girl always needs to hear!



I know, tell me about it.


I've been avoiding him like the plague. I'm pulling an esfp conflict avoidance majorly. I think he wants to get together. But so far I've even changed my new years plans so that I could go to a party without him there. I also set up plans with friends for every single night this week to not accidentally be home while he's here. I just don't do well with dramas.

Actually, I just had a conversation with him on IM right now that proves the drama. Like, "well, this has been nice, ttyl I guess." Its like so weird and foreign to me to talk that way to people. I was being nice enough I think.

(I am the 678)

wels (11:23:14 PM): Back home?
678 (11:23:21 PM): yea, been back
wels (11:23:31 PM): oh cool
wels (11:23:49 PM): Still on vacation though right
678 (11:24:17 PM): just got outta work
els (11:24:36 PM): fuuun
678 (11:25:23 PM): yea
wels (11:26:51 PM): Ok well I'll have to swing by some time to give you your xmas gift
wels (11:31:18 PM): Well this has been nice.
wels (11:31:22 PM): I guess I'll ttyl.
678 (11:31:57 PM): oh sorry
678 (11:32:05 PM): Adrian got home and let the dogs out
678 (11:32:09 PM): it went a little crazy
678 (11:33:57 PM): are you still there?
678 (11:39:10 PM): Alright, see ya sometime!

God forbid I don't respond for five minutes. I know i'm not exactly being direct either.. I just don't want to start a big thing on the IM. I guess if the opportunity comes to talk about this further I have to take it. For now I'm just having such a good and fun vacation that I want to keep the peace with him and kind of keep my distance as much as possible.

Well in that exchange, with everything else that was going on, a lag of 5 minutes or more might lead me to think you didn't really want to talk, which you seem to be saying is true as you are trying to avoid him. He's picking up on that, and letting you go on about your business without him giving you apparently unwanted attention (as he perceives it). But I'm sorry it didn't work out between you guys . I think E_FPs are awesome matches for INTPs, but both individuals really have to be mature for it to work in the long run.

What were the specific issues that started to make you distance yourself and cut off the relationship, if I may ask?

 

[King sns]

Well in that exchange, with everything else that was going on, a lag of 5 minutes or more might lead me to think you didn't really want to talk, which you seem to be saying is true as you are trying to avoid him. He's picking up on that, and letting you go on about your business without him giving you apparently unwanted attention (as he perceives it). But I'm sorry it didn't work out between you guys . I think E_FPs are awesome matches for INTPs, but both individuals really have to be mature for it to work in the long run.

What were the specific issues that started to make you distance yourself and cut off the relationship, if I may ask?

See post 151

 

[Risen]

I think i've been pretty direct. I don't love him, so that wouldn't work for either of us. I don't know him well enough. (I'm still trying to work through my last guy, actually. He knows that, too.) He knows it all. He knows my whole story. He knows I like him and just don't want to lie or play games. He knows I wouldn't mind a relationship but don't need one either. He knows I don't want anything confusing. He knows I enjoy spending time with him, but want to protect my own feelings, etc. He knows that if I want to start dating later than I will not hesitate to do so if nothing changes.

So maybe he's insecure about all this.

Ok, I think this kinda sums up the real problem here (give me a break, it's a long thread). You aren't trying to start anything serious. You want him to tag along as some kind of friendly yet romantic interest that will be there should you ever decide to start dating, which isn't really fair to him, but at least you came out in the open and said it. He probably doesn't know how much of a pitfall that can be... well... I'm sure he does now actually. He probably got too attached to you and wanted/hoped that you guys could take it to the next level, but you haven't budged (?) . That leaves him quite confused as he struggles with the dissonance between his feelings for you and the ambiguous terms of the relationship. He probably started making moves to try and sway you, but having those shot down has put him into a state where he feels he's only losing ground (which is now reality). It's a slippery slope situation, and he is now sliding to the bottom of the hill.

For me, this is a good reminder of what to avoid.

 

[King sns]

Ok, I think this kinda sums up the real problem here (give me a break, it's a long thread). You aren't trying to start anything serious. You want him to tag along as some kind of friendly yet romantic interest that will be there should you ever decide to start dating, which isn't really fair to him, but at least you came out in the open and said it. He probably doesn't know how much of a pitfall that can be... well... I'm sure he does now actually. He probably got too attached to you and wanted/hoped that you guys could take it to the next level, but you haven't budged (?) . That leaves him quite confused as he struggles with the dissonance between his feelings for you and the ambiguous terms of the relationship. He probably started making moves to try and sway you, but having those shot down has put him into a state where he feels he's only losing ground (which is now reality). It's a slippery slope situation, and he is now sliding to the bottom of the hill.

For me, this is a good reminder of what to avoid.

No, I wanted to take it to the next level, and he didn't, (because he said he was scared, etc. Pretty much all the stuff in the beginning of the thread.) . But then I just went along with it because it wasn't hurting anything. Now suddenly he just distanced himself. I think he's stringing me along, if anything!

 

[Risen]

No, I wanted to take it to the next level, and he didn't, (because he said he was scared, etc. Pretty much all the stuff in the beginning of the thread.) . But then I just went along with it because it wasn't hurting anything. Now suddenly he just distanced himself. I think he's stringing me along, if anything!

Ah, I see. Well, his weakness is what led to his ruin. Can't be fearful of entering relationships. It's a leap of faith, but it'll never kill you. He may have low confidence in his ability to maintain a good relationship and give his gf what she needs, a fear I can relate to. But you don't know til you try, and if you don't try, you're guaranteed to gain nothing. That is why fear is completely irrational. You should tell him that.

 

[King sns]

Ah, I see. Well, his weakness is what led to his ruin. Can't be fearful of entering relationships. It's a leap of faith, but it'll never kill you. He may have low confidence in his ability to maintain a good relationship and give his gf what she needs, a fear I can relate to. But you don't know til you try, and if you don't try, you're guaranteed to gain nothing. That is why fear is completely irrational. You should tell him that.

I did, I did. Will respond in vent!

 

[Hangers]

I think it's worth saying that the "cool and distant" behavior of INTPs (or maybe INTs in general, as I've done it too) is what allows them to be stable. It is their characteristic method.

Problem is, relationships are supposed to have some level of warmth, so as that cool distance fades, so too do our methods of maintaining stability. It took me a while to figure out how to remain independent AND appropriately maintain relationships. Sadly, this learning process was initiated by the end of relationships, and not during.

I haven't gyrated towards INTP status in years, but maybe that info will help somebody. *shrug*

Is this something you can only learn with experience? The guys the OP describes sound almost exactly like me.

For two years now I've been on&off with an INFJ. She's a lot of fun, and I empathize with her (rare for me). But I get addicted, attached, and sensitive to the smallest things, and neediness takes place of empathy.

Something like this happens: We're having fun, and she says she can't wait to do X tomorrow. She's more excited about X than me. Tomorrow comes and she's decided she doesn't really want to do X anymore. I freak out, getting the feeling she doesn't like me anymore, and I whine about it. She responds by pulling away. Then I just start criticizing her new attitude, and she gets stressed and breaks off all communication for a while (without telling me if she's returning).

When she does leave, I analyze this in a detached manner and realize what a needy, insecure jerk I become. I want to reward her for her patience and just care about her without becoming dependent, but it never works out. Is it a lack of willpower on my part? Am I supposed to just "man up?"

If being distant and detached keeps INTPs stable, how can we have a stable relationship?

 

[chatoyer]

Something like this happens: We're having fun, and she says she can't wait to do X tomorrow. She's more excited about X than me. Tomorrow comes and she's decided she doesn't really want to do X anymore. I freak out, getting the feeling she doesn't like me anymore, and I whine about it. She responds by pulling away. Then I just start criticizing her new attitude, and she gets stressed and breaks off all communication for a while (without telling me if she's returning).

How does she do if you're excited about the activity? Does she follow through with it? I'm just wondering if she doesn't want to do X anymore because of your cool response to the activity........I know I, as an NF, like to adapt to my partner's reaction, and if you seem cool to it, I might become less excited about the activity.

NFs like to pull NTs into their worlds, we enjoy seeing your reaction. So if your reaction seems distant, like we didn't affect you at all, it can kill the experience. Does that make sense?

I don't want to feel like I'm doing all the work in the relationship, I want this yin/yang to it, that you're reacting to me, I'm reacting to you.......INTPs try to be the distant observer in their own relationships to retain self-control and objectivity, but it can feel like we're losing the experience with you.

 

[Hangers]

How does she do if you're excited about the activity? Does she follow through with it? I'm just wondering if she doesn't want to do X anymore because of your cool response to the activity........I know I, as an NF, like to adapt to my partner's reaction, and if you seem cool to it, I might become less excited about the activity.

NFs like to pull NTs into their worlds, we enjoy seeing your reaction. So if your reaction seems distant, like we didn't affect you at all, it can kill the experience. Does that make sense?

I don't want to feel like I'm doing all the work in the relationship, I want this yin/yang to it, that you're reacting to me, I'm reacting to you.......INTPs try to be the distant observer in their own relationships to retain self-control and objectivity, but it can feel like we're losing the experience with you.

She's said she just wakes up and thinks that particular activity isn't so great anymore, that it has nothing to do with me. She's told me not to take it personally but I always do.

 

[carlsonp]

Thanks all for the thoughtful posts. This forum is certainly illuminating.

Perhaps the practical advice has been limited since conclusions were likely made by the first few pages. Stating those conclusions are another matter and often unhelpful (in the INTP frame, anyway, poll-taking is rarely done). I repeat others, however, in that immaturity seems to be an issue and that that type of manipulation should be a major red flag. Also, the idea that we can be "changed" speaks of inexperience as well.

I'm guessing that, if your contemplated SO is an INTP, friendship won't likely work. Personally, friendships with other INTPs are incredible as we can explode on one another with instant depth and understanding, go back to our solitude, and pick up right where we left off later. In relationships with higher sensing and feeling functions, however, it takes so much energy and I take all the barrage of data so seriously, that it just wears me out. It only works if I'm all-in or very distant (mild acquaintance).

...I just read the final few pages and realized it has come to the inevitable.

 

[King sns]

Thanks all for the thoughtful posts. This forum is certainly illuminating.

Perhaps the practical advice has been limited since conclusions were likely made by the first few pages. Stating those conclusions are another matter and often unhelpful (in the INTP frame, anyway, poll-taking is rarely done). I repeat others, however, in that immaturity seems to be an issue and that that type of manipulation should be a major red flag. Also, the idea that we can be "changed" speaks of inexperience as well.

I'm guessing that, if your contemplated SO is an INTP, friendship won't likely work. Personally, friendships with other INTPs are incredible as we can explode on one another with instant depth and understanding, go back to our solitude, and pick up right where we left off later. In relationships with higher sensing and feeling functions, however, it takes so much energy and I take all the barrage of data so seriously, that it just wears me out. It only works if I'm all-in or very distant (mild acquaintance).

...I just read the final few pages and realized it has come to the inevitable.

Actually, we ended up working things out in our favor . We're quite happy friends, now! Back to the original friendship that it started with, thank goodness.

 

[Blank]

I'm beginning to wonder...

Should all INTP men have "You've already gone too far" tattooed onto their penises?

 

[MacGuffin]

I'm beginning to wonder...

Should all INTP men have "You've already gone too far" tattooed onto their penises?

My penis tat says "PWNED BY MACGUFFIN".

 

[astroninja]

I just wish there was a way that I could make them feel more secure.

You could try getting him a Hadron Particle Collider for him birthday?
That would definitely make him relax the f*** up.

 

[King sns]

You could try getting him a Hadron Particle Collider for him birthday?
That would definitely make him relax the f*** up.

Lol! why didn't I think of that??

 

[astroninja]

Lol! why didn't I think of that??

Maybe you were too busy trying to pry his clingy fingers from your arm?

 

[amthcaictm]

so you like him because he is fun and makes YOU feel special---not great declarations from an intp point of view--- and you are not sure you want a substantive relationship. how does anlook emotional neophyte feel secure enough to cope with difficult emotional information in that setting? he is going to act insecure and defensive until you can show him that he has unique value and you can provide consistent behavior that evidences your investment in him not a particular type of relationship.

 

[Joseph]

My INTP girlfriend

.

 

[JLM]

Yeah being an INTP myself I can relate we REALLY struggle when it comes to the opposite sex but once we get "it" we become some of the most calculating , unemotional players of all 16 types, most pickup artist or hardcore players are in fact INTP

14-19 adolescence is usually lived in our own heads afraid of intimacy most of us never have girlfriends or sex in high-school

21-27 Young adulthood is us getting used to approaching women and having relationships , remember the typical male of other types has at least 5-7 yrs on us when dealing with the opposite sex, so we're just learning how to be in relationships. We usually use our significant others as a sponge for emotions we otherwise would never show on a day to day basis, once we finally are allowed to express those suppressed feelings of love, it's often too much for women to bare, and when we're not irrationally expressing ourselves. we spend the other part of our relationship doubting ourselves and over thinking everything which usually drives a woman nuts, so after a couple bad relationships and experiences with women we start to over analyze ourselves and go into a bitter self seclusion from women all together.

late 20's -early 30's are when INTP usually put everything together, we either seek help for our ineptitude with dealing with the opposite sex, or our obsession with improving and perfecting every area of our lives drives us until we not only understand the opposite sex but we become masters of the game. That cool, collective, quirky yet emotionally detached INTP, will remain that way throughout the relationship because he now knows the ramifications of inappropriately spilling over his emotions too soon, as he knows it will throw women off guard and turn them off, it'll be extremely hard to get him to commit or get him in a frame of mind where he isn't control , as here the INTP has mastered himself but has also mastered how to be alone, we get so used to it that , relationships always come secondary at this point he has his mind made up about how he's going to live his life, it might include you and it may not but he could care less, as tomorrow he'll just build attraction with another woman. The game becomes his chess board and from here on every woman is just a pawn, nobody struggles yet succeeds with women quite like an INTP.

 

[MacGuffin]

Yeah being an INTP myself I can relate we REALLY struggle when it comes to the opposite sex but once we get "it" we become some of the most calculating , unemotional players of all 16 types, most pickup artist or hardcore players are in fact INTP

14-19 adolescence is usually lived in our own heads afraid of intimacy most of us never have girlfriends or sex in high-school

21-27 Young adulthood is us getting used to approaching women and having relationships , remember the typical male of other types has at least 5-7 yrs on us when dealing with the opposite sex, so we're just learning how to be in relationships. We usually use our significant others as a sponge for emotions we otherwise would never show on a day to day basis, once we finally are allowed to express those suppressed feelings of love, it's often too much for women to bare, and when we're not irrationally expressing ourselves. we spend the other part of our relationship doubting ourselves and over thinking everything which usually drives a woman nuts, so after a couple bad relationships and experiences with women we start to over analyze ourselves and go into a bitter self seclusion from women all together.

late 20's -early 30's are when INTP usually put everything together, we either seek help for our ineptitude with dealing with the opposite sex, or our obsession with improving and perfecting every area of our lives drives us until we not only understand the opposite sex but we become masters of the game. That cool, collective, quirky yet emotionally detached INTP, will remain that way throughout the relationship because he now knows the ramifications of inappropriately spilling over his emotions too soon, as he knows it will throw women off guard and turn them off, it'll be extremely hard to get him to commit or get him in a frame of mind where he isn't control , as here the INTP has mastered himself but has also mastered how to be alone, we get so used to it that , relationships always come secondary at this point he has his mind made up about how he's going to live his life, it might include you and it may not but he could care less, as tomorrow he'll just build attraction with another woman. The game becomes his chess board and from here on every woman is just a pawn, nobody struggles yet succeeds with women quite like an INTP.

Not every INTP remains an emotionally stunted 'tard preying on the stupidest and most gullible of the opposite sex.