enfrightened
New member
- Joined
- Sep 21, 2018
- Messages
- 8
- Enneagram
- 4w5
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/sp
Disclaimer: How are you doing? Are there any major life events/illnesses/other issues that might be influencing you? Did you write this in one sitting, or have you pondered these issues deeply? Give us a sense of "where you're at" right now.
I am currently amidst getting over an abusive relationship/assault fyi.. court dates keep getting pushed back and so it is still effecting my life, not to mention the memory of the person not simply floating away. I have (mild) BPD as a point of reference. I am writing this in one sitting however I have pondered these things very deeply.
0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type?
I say "isfp:intj" because I think that I am a hybrid of both. I feel I use Ni and Fi equally, Te and Se equally, Ti a little bit, and definitely not Ne Si or Fe in any good capacity (terrible at them). I have read many books on MBTI and socionics, as well as Enneagram. I am positive I am a 4w5 and have an 8-fix.
1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).
Ah, home with nothing to do. Heaven. I fantasize about returning to my castle with my books journals music and peace and quiet where I can think. Psychologically I have always felt social anxiety since about age 16 and thus savor alone time even more. I am even-keel and content.
2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you?
To be me is to be in a constant mental flux. I am incessantly (almost painfully) analyzing things, people, concepts. Making connections
(Ni buzzword unintentional), finding boundary conditions to things, thinking of solutions and their outcomes, seeing things no one else sees like the tiniest details in life (flower in the sidewalk, a scrawl of graffiti, sounds smells images, aesthetic things like colors matching etc). I am constantly reevaluating concepts and worry a lot about my safety and security. I often feel like I have no emotions but i'm so "emotional" at the same time. I say this because emotions to me have always been visceral reactions; heart rate, sweating, feelings in my gut, they feel like I was programmed to feel them, not coming of my own accord. Rarely do I think or feel in words. It's very very imaginal. I always have a song stuck in my head. I take extreme inspiration from movies books etc. and often even act out the personalities I absorb (bpd/being a 4?). I even listen to film soundtracks and try to make myself feel what it would be like to be the character. Sometimes I wonder if this is because I dont have normal, real emotions. I look back on myself at different stages in life and dont feel connected to that person as me, but more as a distant figure who resembles a friend.
I wake up each day and feel my internal compass staying completely still, my goals in life constant and my feelings towards people constant, but every external part of me and my perceptions of the world are rapidly changing. Some days things are just too bright. I notice too much and it hurts. I hate noticing people's expressions and putting two and two together that maybe they don't like their significant other as much as they say they do. I hate noticing words spelled wrong or flaws in things. It makes me feel guilty. Like I'm seeing something I'm not supposed to. I hate constantly assessing situations for their efficiency because my inner critic gets very loud about the things i see and notice. I get very overwhelmed when there is too much happening for too long- like a fair, for example, and i feel like i can literally feel the sounds smells and sights encroaching inside me. Maybe this is inferior Se. Also- I dance and run and have danced my whole life. I love nature and feel most at home hiding in a forest, hah.
I find that I overthink almost everything. ALways looking for the worst case scenario. Im very optimistic though, despite this. I use my planning to allow myself to relax and "know" that everything will be ok. If I have worked it out in my head or make a schedule, I know it is possible, and thus following the plan isnt necessary. It's like I prep in order to relax later. I find myself reacting adversely if someone threatens my intelligence, or makes me feel inferior intellectually. I have a lot of insecurity with that. But this is rare. Because I also make it a rule to not speak up or correct someone unless I know for certain (or 90% sure) that I am correct. I am humble and do not share my knowledge with a lot of people. Above all I like to be alone with myself thoughts and books. I write constantly to help my terrible memory. I am a poet, and have a website, however I never share this website with people irl and I never ever brag about things if I can help it. It makes me very uncomfortable to get positive feedback. I also do not have any social media and I'm 19 so, that's pretty weird and notable. I dont like living inauthentically, and although I know I have good Se ability to cultivate an image, mood, or theme... I hate knowing that people see my social media self and do not see ME.
b. What have others said about you?
Others have said that I am quirky, quietly intense, easily aggravated, and have high standards for myself (extremely). My family knows me better than anyone I think, and they know me to be adventurous and outgoing in social situations with them. I sometimes shut down after too much conversation. People say I am very private. For instance, I didnt even tell my friends I was moving until the day before. I dont feel the need to share boring life details, ever. People say I speak up when no one else will, which is one thing I pride myself on. I have 0 issue standing up for anyone. I have sometimes heard that I intimidate people, am snappy, or that I seem like I try too hard to be different. I dont try at all actually.
3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
I have dealt with feeling alone. Im from a very small town, my schools were always 98% white suburban religious types. I did not fit in. But I still have always had lots of friends or acquaintances so I was never superficially lonely. I have dealt with depersonalization since 8th grade, heavily, as well as social anxiety (not as bad anymore), and depression. I have had a tendency to sleep with people and drink and abuse substances and be in reckless situations. Rebellious tendencies (speaking out at teachers in high school, drinking at school/college, sneaking out of the house while on probation in high school..yikes). Drinking is a crutch for me in a sense but it's never made me miss work, school, or any function. I have dealt with typical borderline things in general it seems. I tend to get in sticky situations because of my impulsiveness and want for MORE excitement and MORE out of life.
4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?
I HATE being put on the spot to recall facts or things like that. I am really bad at consoling people- i can only offer drinks/food, or a detailed plan of action to get them out of their bad spot. Terrible at small talk. Terrible at listening to people if they are really roundabout- Im not super patient in group projects for example. I always want to take over and do it. I hate inefficiency. Also bad at, and hate, games or sports on the spot. Like even family frisbee makes me want to throw up. I get so nervous over performance things (funny, consdiering I dance and do track).
b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?
Gosh, I would love to be able to just do things without thinking. Speak without planning. I wish i could make decisions without comparing them to every single thing ive ever done. Even picking food at a restaurant I'm like "what does the spaghetti say about me... am I feeling Italian... *references every Giallo film I've seen*..." Lmao it's terrible. Now that I say all this idk how I could ever be an ISFP.
5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
As I kinda stated above, my relationship was abusive, so it ended in court sadly. Never even got a true apology for all he put me through. With friendships, I have left when I felt I was being damaging or they were being damaging, or if it simply wasnt beneficial. Like if we would hang out and get drunk and gossip but never talk deeply that friendship is going bye-bye. People bore me very easily. Not saying I'm special though, because I'm not everyones cup of tea, i just have really high standards.
7. Which types are least like you?
MBTI: ISTJ, ENFP, ENFJ, ESFJ, ESTP. Ennea 2, 3, and 9.
a. Why specifically do you not relate to these types?
I do not use Fe. I can be friendly, sociable, and good at reading cues but I act according to moral values- I do not treat authority nice if I do not like them. I do not keep the peace if I don't think it should be kept. I don't use Si because I just don't, i maybe use it superficially at the least. I do not relate to Ennea 2 3 or 9 because my mom is a 2, and I wish I could be like her, but I am not. I struggle with helping others. I wish I was more selfless. I am not a 3 becasue I do not strive for ambitious goals for the sake of going towards others and getting approval/acclaim. Don't care about acclaim at all. Im not a 9 because I don't crave peace/stability/getting along. Period.
b. What points (if any) DO you relate to?
I relate to all of the types in some ways... Mostly I relate to ESFPs and ISFPs, because I find myself at my worst beocming like my ESFP friends (if they were unhealthy). Junkies for experience. Going out at night and being unsafe just to feel alive, going to shows bars the mall, literally anywhere to get an experience and take in sensory information to forget my internal state. I relate to heavy Se users because I am oddly attuned to details and my surroundings. I have saved friends in the car before for noticing way ahead of time someone driving crazy, or I have avoided being hurt on the street by a creepy person when my friends are just laughing away acting totally normal. Also I feel i connect with my surroundings sometimes so much that it feels like I might explode. Like it starts to feel like my surroundings are coming from within me, if that makes any sense.
8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
Clearly i am terrible at it. Dated an abusive person for 9 months. I dont know how to find love. Weird considering I had a perfect childhood. My parents are AMAZING, always been there for me, always helped me. We had some rough spots regarding my mental health but that's obvious- they weren't familiar with it. They adapted and seriously they are amazing. The only people I feel i can accept love from.
9. What is the message your superego tells you?
My superego yells at me, often, and loudly. I have a very hard time seeing myself as others see me. I often assume people hate me, or think Im stupid, when in reality they like me. It tells me I should be better to my family and friends, work harder for my goals, be less demanding of the world.
10. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you. (Note, you may be consciously aware of failing at this, and you will be hard on yourself if you do. If someone else tells you you're NOT this way, it may make you feel hurt, violated, or angry.)
See this is the thing. I dont care about how others perceive me. I always wish i could live in a bubble, so I could dance around on the street and scream and break things when I am mad, so i could write forever and never be interrupted, so I could live out my life as a movie. Fantasy. Escapism... it plagues me. I guess if I had to answer I would say I want others to perceive me as intelligent, hard working, kind, and honest. Truly an individual (sigh.. such a 4!!!).
12. Core fears. You may have been aware of these fears even as a very small child, before anyone did anything to influence it. You'd be mortified to be in this position or have others perceive you this way.
My biggest fears are feeling trapped, not being safe, feeling dirty or like my surroundings do not reflect my inner state.. I would hate for my writing to be shown to everyone i know. It's very very personal. As a child I feared being told what to do, and being taken from my parents. I was always soooo bad at even going to sleepovers. I could never sleep at other peoples houses. Still have trouble with that to this day. I hate feeling like others are imposing on me or making me commit to things. I also hate seeing others be treated badly. As a kid even i stood up to adults if I saw them being out of line or hurting someone. I have a fear someone wont do the same for me one day, if I needed their help. That makes me feel insanely vulnerable.
wow this was long. if anyone read all of it... you know me better than anyone else now. thank you so much.
I am currently amidst getting over an abusive relationship/assault fyi.. court dates keep getting pushed back and so it is still effecting my life, not to mention the memory of the person not simply floating away. I have (mild) BPD as a point of reference. I am writing this in one sitting however I have pondered these things very deeply.
0. What's making you unsure of your type? What research have you already done to determine type?
I say "isfp:intj" because I think that I am a hybrid of both. I feel I use Ni and Fi equally, Te and Se equally, Ti a little bit, and definitely not Ne Si or Fe in any good capacity (terrible at them). I have read many books on MBTI and socionics, as well as Enneagram. I am positive I am a 4w5 and have an 8-fix.
1. Establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home with nothing to do, where are you at mentally and emotionally? What do you notice in yourself? (Note, this is not a mood you inhabit "frequently", but your psychological baseline).
Ah, home with nothing to do. Heaven. I fantasize about returning to my castle with my books journals music and peace and quiet where I can think. Psychologically I have always felt social anxiety since about age 16 and thus savor alone time even more. I am even-keel and content.
2. Describe yourself--
a. What's it like to be you?
To be me is to be in a constant mental flux. I am incessantly (almost painfully) analyzing things, people, concepts. Making connections
(Ni buzzword unintentional), finding boundary conditions to things, thinking of solutions and their outcomes, seeing things no one else sees like the tiniest details in life (flower in the sidewalk, a scrawl of graffiti, sounds smells images, aesthetic things like colors matching etc). I am constantly reevaluating concepts and worry a lot about my safety and security. I often feel like I have no emotions but i'm so "emotional" at the same time. I say this because emotions to me have always been visceral reactions; heart rate, sweating, feelings in my gut, they feel like I was programmed to feel them, not coming of my own accord. Rarely do I think or feel in words. It's very very imaginal. I always have a song stuck in my head. I take extreme inspiration from movies books etc. and often even act out the personalities I absorb (bpd/being a 4?). I even listen to film soundtracks and try to make myself feel what it would be like to be the character. Sometimes I wonder if this is because I dont have normal, real emotions. I look back on myself at different stages in life and dont feel connected to that person as me, but more as a distant figure who resembles a friend.
I wake up each day and feel my internal compass staying completely still, my goals in life constant and my feelings towards people constant, but every external part of me and my perceptions of the world are rapidly changing. Some days things are just too bright. I notice too much and it hurts. I hate noticing people's expressions and putting two and two together that maybe they don't like their significant other as much as they say they do. I hate noticing words spelled wrong or flaws in things. It makes me feel guilty. Like I'm seeing something I'm not supposed to. I hate constantly assessing situations for their efficiency because my inner critic gets very loud about the things i see and notice. I get very overwhelmed when there is too much happening for too long- like a fair, for example, and i feel like i can literally feel the sounds smells and sights encroaching inside me. Maybe this is inferior Se. Also- I dance and run and have danced my whole life. I love nature and feel most at home hiding in a forest, hah.
I find that I overthink almost everything. ALways looking for the worst case scenario. Im very optimistic though, despite this. I use my planning to allow myself to relax and "know" that everything will be ok. If I have worked it out in my head or make a schedule, I know it is possible, and thus following the plan isnt necessary. It's like I prep in order to relax later. I find myself reacting adversely if someone threatens my intelligence, or makes me feel inferior intellectually. I have a lot of insecurity with that. But this is rare. Because I also make it a rule to not speak up or correct someone unless I know for certain (or 90% sure) that I am correct. I am humble and do not share my knowledge with a lot of people. Above all I like to be alone with myself thoughts and books. I write constantly to help my terrible memory. I am a poet, and have a website, however I never share this website with people irl and I never ever brag about things if I can help it. It makes me very uncomfortable to get positive feedback. I also do not have any social media and I'm 19 so, that's pretty weird and notable. I dont like living inauthentically, and although I know I have good Se ability to cultivate an image, mood, or theme... I hate knowing that people see my social media self and do not see ME.
b. What have others said about you?
Others have said that I am quirky, quietly intense, easily aggravated, and have high standards for myself (extremely). My family knows me better than anyone I think, and they know me to be adventurous and outgoing in social situations with them. I sometimes shut down after too much conversation. People say I am very private. For instance, I didnt even tell my friends I was moving until the day before. I dont feel the need to share boring life details, ever. People say I speak up when no one else will, which is one thing I pride myself on. I have 0 issue standing up for anyone. I have sometimes heard that I intimidate people, am snappy, or that I seem like I try too hard to be different. I dont try at all actually.
3. What are the issues you've dealt with in life? List some recurrent themes, and tell us a little about each one.
I have dealt with feeling alone. Im from a very small town, my schools were always 98% white suburban religious types. I did not fit in. But I still have always had lots of friends or acquaintances so I was never superficially lonely. I have dealt with depersonalization since 8th grade, heavily, as well as social anxiety (not as bad anymore), and depression. I have had a tendency to sleep with people and drink and abuse substances and be in reckless situations. Rebellious tendencies (speaking out at teachers in high school, drinking at school/college, sneaking out of the house while on probation in high school..yikes). Drinking is a crutch for me in a sense but it's never made me miss work, school, or any function. I have dealt with typical borderline things in general it seems. I tend to get in sticky situations because of my impulsiveness and want for MORE excitement and MORE out of life.
4. You're not good at everything--
a. What personality traits and/or ways of being are impossible for you to adopt?
I HATE being put on the spot to recall facts or things like that. I am really bad at consoling people- i can only offer drinks/food, or a detailed plan of action to get them out of their bad spot. Terrible at small talk. Terrible at listening to people if they are really roundabout- Im not super patient in group projects for example. I always want to take over and do it. I hate inefficiency. Also bad at, and hate, games or sports on the spot. Like even family frisbee makes me want to throw up. I get so nervous over performance things (funny, consdiering I dance and do track).
b. What are qualities you'd like to have, but can't seem to develop?
Gosh, I would love to be able to just do things without thinking. Speak without planning. I wish i could make decisions without comparing them to every single thing ive ever done. Even picking food at a restaurant I'm like "what does the spaghetti say about me... am I feeling Italian... *references every Giallo film I've seen*..." Lmao it's terrible. Now that I say all this idk how I could ever be an ISFP.
5. Why have you left friends and other relationships in the past and/or why have they left you?
As I kinda stated above, my relationship was abusive, so it ended in court sadly. Never even got a true apology for all he put me through. With friendships, I have left when I felt I was being damaging or they were being damaging, or if it simply wasnt beneficial. Like if we would hang out and get drunk and gossip but never talk deeply that friendship is going bye-bye. People bore me very easily. Not saying I'm special though, because I'm not everyones cup of tea, i just have really high standards.
7. Which types are least like you?
MBTI: ISTJ, ENFP, ENFJ, ESFJ, ESTP. Ennea 2, 3, and 9.
a. Why specifically do you not relate to these types?
I do not use Fe. I can be friendly, sociable, and good at reading cues but I act according to moral values- I do not treat authority nice if I do not like them. I do not keep the peace if I don't think it should be kept. I don't use Si because I just don't, i maybe use it superficially at the least. I do not relate to Ennea 2 3 or 9 because my mom is a 2, and I wish I could be like her, but I am not. I struggle with helping others. I wish I was more selfless. I am not a 3 becasue I do not strive for ambitious goals for the sake of going towards others and getting approval/acclaim. Don't care about acclaim at all. Im not a 9 because I don't crave peace/stability/getting along. Period.
b. What points (if any) DO you relate to?
I relate to all of the types in some ways... Mostly I relate to ESFPs and ISFPs, because I find myself at my worst beocming like my ESFP friends (if they were unhealthy). Junkies for experience. Going out at night and being unsafe just to feel alive, going to shows bars the mall, literally anywhere to get an experience and take in sensory information to forget my internal state. I relate to heavy Se users because I am oddly attuned to details and my surroundings. I have saved friends in the car before for noticing way ahead of time someone driving crazy, or I have avoided being hurt on the street by a creepy person when my friends are just laughing away acting totally normal. Also I feel i connect with my surroundings sometimes so much that it feels like I might explode. Like it starts to feel like my surroundings are coming from within me, if that makes any sense.
8. They claim enneagram type is a hidden love need. What are your attitudes toward finding love?
Clearly i am terrible at it. Dated an abusive person for 9 months. I dont know how to find love. Weird considering I had a perfect childhood. My parents are AMAZING, always been there for me, always helped me. We had some rough spots regarding my mental health but that's obvious- they weren't familiar with it. They adapted and seriously they are amazing. The only people I feel i can accept love from.
9. What is the message your superego tells you?
My superego yells at me, often, and loudly. I have a very hard time seeing myself as others see me. I often assume people hate me, or think Im stupid, when in reality they like me. It tells me I should be better to my family and friends, work harder for my goals, be less demanding of the world.
10. Determine your ego ideal--the way you strive to be and want others to perceive you. (Note, you may be consciously aware of failing at this, and you will be hard on yourself if you do. If someone else tells you you're NOT this way, it may make you feel hurt, violated, or angry.)
See this is the thing. I dont care about how others perceive me. I always wish i could live in a bubble, so I could dance around on the street and scream and break things when I am mad, so i could write forever and never be interrupted, so I could live out my life as a movie. Fantasy. Escapism... it plagues me. I guess if I had to answer I would say I want others to perceive me as intelligent, hard working, kind, and honest. Truly an individual (sigh.. such a 4!!!).
12. Core fears. You may have been aware of these fears even as a very small child, before anyone did anything to influence it. You'd be mortified to be in this position or have others perceive you this way.
My biggest fears are feeling trapped, not being safe, feeling dirty or like my surroundings do not reflect my inner state.. I would hate for my writing to be shown to everyone i know. It's very very personal. As a child I feared being told what to do, and being taken from my parents. I was always soooo bad at even going to sleepovers. I could never sleep at other peoples houses. Still have trouble with that to this day. I hate feeling like others are imposing on me or making me commit to things. I also hate seeing others be treated badly. As a kid even i stood up to adults if I saw them being out of line or hurting someone. I have a fear someone wont do the same for me one day, if I needed their help. That makes me feel insanely vulnerable.
wow this was long. if anyone read all of it... you know me better than anyone else now. thank you so much.
