[INFP] INFPs and the Lack of Initiative

[nolla]

We were chatting with substitute about the INFP behaviour in another post and he mentioned this feature in us. We don't initiate relationships and are careful even with close friends. I'll quote him, he sees it more clearly since he isn't in my mind. The original post can be found here --> http://www.typologycentral.com/foru...derstanding-about-your-type-4.html#post298425

Actually the 'passive' part about INFP's, I have to admit I do see them as being pretty passive in that they never tend to really initiate things - anything - and can let friendship after friendship slip through their fingers because the other person just got sick of always having to be the one to initiate contact.

People have other things to do besides wait indefinitely on the off-chance that someone deems them worthy of seeing their resplendent personality... there's also the chance that they'll feel disinclined to do so because your chosen way to present yourself gives an impression of boredom... and perhaps arrogance/snottiness - however false.

Well, consider sometimes the possibility that the person might genuinely like you and genuinely, sincerely want to get closer to you and doesn't have any intention of betraying, hurting or abusing you. That's what I STILL have to keep saying to my INFP, even after 4 years of friendship in which I've never done a thing against her!!

So. Do you INFPs recognize this in yourselves? Where does this behaviour come from? I want the psychology of this thing figured out.

 

[Dwigie]

True, I'm pretty passive out of insecurity usually or because I always wonder if jumping in is a good idea. Actually I think pretty highly of people I do care about, very highly to be honest I idealize them and sometimes I'm just afraid to be deceived by the truth, pretty coward-ish indeed. I do have a tendency to be extremely harsh in my judgements, especially when it comes to myself and my relationship but I only let people very close to me know about my insecurities. The thing is that I'm paranoid by nature, I genuinely do not see why someone would like me because I'm very aware of my own flaws and weaknesses and if I don't think they are just joking with me I think that the person is usually "blind, doesn't know me yet". I am naturally suspicious of people but once I trust them I trust them for good..unless proven wrong. I know the behavior itself is extremely selfish and actually pretty "self-deprecating" at the same time.(Kind of like protecting yourself like an animal, who cares if I bite you?You could have bit me!) and I've been trying to work on that but being open and letting myself be vulnerable doesn't come naturally even with my closest friends it sometimes still pops up.
I think a lot of people, maybe not just infps are this "self-preserving" if that's the right word? Anyways just my two cents, people will probably have their own reasons.

 

[disregard]

I don't have a need for people in my personal life, so I do not initiate friendships.

It's pretty simple.

edit

I meant to say most people. I am interested in quality, not quantity. Depth, because therein lies the use of the friendship.

 

[locke]

I often fear I might be intruding or trespassing if I'm not invited. Well, unless I got something to say or do that I'm sure they'll find really fun and interesting. But just to hang out? I'm afraid I'm gonna bother them.

 

[sade]

True for me too. I'm trying to get rid of some of it though..

When it comes to strangers and other people that I'm not that close to; I'm a bit insecure and can't help fearing that I'm interrupting or simply bothering them if I start chatting out of blue or asking them somewhere. "What if they actually loath me and find me annoying?" I don't know what they think of me and thus I don't normally want to risk receiving the mental slap on the face that I've received sometimes. My sense of humour and retorts are the thing that I'm most open about, that sometimes works as a conversation starter, but that's not iniating things in my opinion. I'm slow with people, I need sometime to figure them out before anything.

But among close friends and family I do make the iniative, albeit slower than some and tend to give hints before slamming the things out in the open. But I take the iniative anyways because I know they know me and won't reject me and are great people that I like to keep updated and they won't mind. I'll start conversations, talk about important things, ask them to go out or talk about important stuff. The normal things.

I like people and company to an extent, and certainly don't like feeling lonely, so I like to have a few good friends and hang around people, hobbies and stuff. But the people that I truly like and get along with normally cause me to want to keep in touch with them and that makes me interract more. I don't feel the need to acquire new friendships, I'm happy with a few good ones, but if someone stumbles along.. I won't kick them away. Once or twice I've let a friendship slip through my finger because of my own fear and insecurity (not going to let that happen again) which have kept me from iniating things. And couple of times I've done that on purpose, I had a feeling that I was being taken advantage of and stopped taking iniative and what do you know? I was right. Long story.

Opening up is tough work for me.. I know some of the roots to the reclutance in me, but I don't think my personal history is all that interesting. Some of it has apparantly come from experiences and some has always been there, mainly the insecurity. I've actually had to lear how to make the iniative, since I don't like feeling lonely, now I'm trying to learn putting that in use in not so close relationships. I'm weird.

I think some went out of topic. Oh well. I'm selfcentered perhaps?

 

[Tropics]

Yes I am like that, too passive at times and afraid to let people in because I know once I genuinely care for someone I love them 'deep'. I have to size people up thoroughly and be sure they really want to be a friend or whatever. I wouldn't want to impose myself. Sometimes I do wait too long before acting. I admit.

The last part about being careful with even close friends is true, I don't do it all the time but sometimes out of the blue I'll just choose not to open up about something with my best friend of 10 years, she always complains about this and feels hurt which makes me feel like crap. yeah we have issues but what type doesn't?

 

[Leysing]

Sounds very familiar. I'm skeptic and overly cautious regarding other people, I don't want to be an unwelcome guest in a group, I enjoy time alone and dislike (and am a little afraid of) bonding closely with people I don't know well. Result = passivity and standing apart from others even when those others are my friends.

If I'm friends with someone, we'll be close friends, and being close friends with many people would be really exhausting especially for an introvert.

 

[substitute]

WTG nolla, you initiated the thread!!

The fear of bothering people, not being welcome, annoying them - that's not unique to you guys though cos I have that CHRONICALLY!!

I guess being Ne primary just means I need people so much it drives me to overcome it more often and force myself out anyway. This does mean that I have an ongoing feeling that I'm annoying everyone and everyone wishes I'd just shut up and go away. A feeling that'd be hugely allayed by some of those people coming to me of their own volition sometimes which, thankfully, they do.

However, have you thought that the person you're not initiating with out of fear that you're annoying them, is actually afraid of the same thing and the fact that they always initiate with you but you don't initiate back only seems to confirm to them the idea that they're just annoying you and you wouldn't by choice want to be with them?

Funny how insecurities seem to reinforce one another...

 

[Leysing]

the fact that they always initiate with you

If this is the fact, I see no problem in initiating, because then I can be pretty sure they like my company. At least a little.

 

[disregard]

I edited my post.

I didn't mean what I said initially.

 

[runvardh]

I've managed to do this on my own IRL. I usually start to talk to someone, try something light and based on their reaction I either stick around or let the conversation die off.

 

[Udog]

Yeah, I've become much better at initiating as I grow older.

I think male INFPs in particular have to learn how to initiate more than their female counterparts.

 

[nolla]

True, I'm pretty passive out of insecurity usually or because I always wonder if jumping in is a good idea. You could have bit me!) and I've been trying to work on that but being open and letting myself be vulnerable doesn't come naturally even with my closest friends it sometimes still pops up. I think a lot of people, maybe not just infps are this "self-preserving" if that's the right word?

Jung wrote that introverts are self-preserving personality.

I don't have a need for people in my personal life, so I do not initiate friendships. I meant to say most people. I am interested in quality, not quantity.

I tell this to myself also, but it seems like a rationalization more than the real source of the low initiative.

"What if they actually loath me and find me annoying?" I don't know what they think of me and thus I don't normally want to risk receiving the mental slap on the face that I've received sometimes. My sense of humour and retorts are the thing that I'm most open about, that sometimes works as a conversation starter, but that's not iniating things in my opinion. I'm slow with people, I need sometime to figure them out before anything.

Yes, this is the feeling that crawls in from somewhere and keeps me from going open. I do know that very few people would find me annoying, but still, the feeling doesn't completely go away except with good friends.

And couple of times I've done that on purpose, I had a feeling that I was being taken advantage of and stopped taking iniative and what do you know? I was right. Long story.

Yeah, this is probably pretty big thing. My intuitions are often right about people, so it keeps me from them if I don't have "good vibes" about them. The question is, should I keep them away If they don't give me good vibes, or should I make initiative only if they give me good vibes? There is a blur line here...

I've actually had to lear how to make the iniative, since I don't like feeling lonely, now I'm trying to learn putting that in use in not so close relationships. I'm weird.

Me too. I wonder if this is common experience among introverts?

The last part about being careful with even close friends is true, I don't do it all the time but sometimes out of the blue I'll just choose not to open up about something with my best friend of 10 years, she always complains about this and feels hurt which makes me feel like crap. yeah we have issues but what type doesn't?

I'd like to hear more opinions about this thing, since it is so weird. Is there an automatic reaction in us that always chooses the self-preservation? I mean, is it the result of the type, or is it unhealthy behaviour that is just more probable in INFPs?

If I'm friends with someone, we'll be close friends, and being close friends with many people would be really exhausting especially for an introvert.

This is a good point. Is it even possible for an INFP to have real many good friends?

I guess being Ne primary just means I need people so much it drives me to overcome it more often and force myself out anyway. This does mean that I have an ongoing feeling that I'm annoying everyone and everyone wishes I'd just shut up and go away. A feeling that'd be hugely allayed by some of those people coming to me of their own volition sometimes which, thankfully, they do.

There could be a difference between your Ne and my Ne, since to you it is primary. My Fi should probably make me feel the I-will-only-annoy-them feeling more intensely.

However, have you thought that the person you're not initiating with out of fear that you're annoying them, is actually afraid of the same thing and the fact that they always initiate with you but you don't initiate back only seems to confirm to them the idea that they're just annoying you and you wouldn't by choice want to be with them?

Yes, this is why I usually want to be seen approachable.

I think male INFPs in particular have to learn how to initiate more than their female counterparts.

Why?

 

[Udog]

Society generally expects men to initiate in relationships, especially romantic relationships.

 

[nolla]

Society generally expects men to initiate in relationships, especially romantic relationships.

Ah, yes, of course.

 

[Flush]

Actually the 'passive' part about INFP's, I have to admit I do see them as being pretty passive in that they never tend to really initiate things - anything - and can let friendship after friendship slip through their fingers because the other person just got sick of always having to be the one to initiate contact.

Yeah, I can relate to this... It feels like it's not worth any effort to initiate things when others probably do it for you. If they don't, I'm fine by myself.

I don't want to be this way though, since it feels so selfish. I have to try to look at it from their point of view...

 

[nolla]

It doesn't sound anymore selfish than seeking friends because you just want to talk (or whatever the reason for extroverts to make friends so much ).

 

[Mighty Mouse]

I'm an ENFP female trying my best to get to know an INFP. I really like him and I initiate most of the time. However, I think what you might not realize is that although I will go ahead and initiate, it is still a very vulnerable spot. I perhaps have more practice but it isn't any less scary. I wonder if I am bothering him or if he doesn't want to talk since he isn't initiating. I don't feel any security because I do most of the reaching out... I wonder what I should do all the time too.

Do you INFP that don't initiate but want to realize that it is hard those of us that do?

I don't know if he realizes it or not...

 

[Jack Flak]

^That's common with INFPs, and another ENFP here posted almost exactly the same thing you did.

They're very tough to read because of their silently friendly shell.

 

[Mighty Mouse]

I believe we all should be who we are and accept each other as we come. I enjoy who he is and appreciate what he brings to the relationship.

I realize that those of us that are a bit more expressive and a bit louder perhaps get more attention but that doesn't change the fact that we all have amazing things to offer each other. If what I bring is more of the initiating and what he brings as an INFP is more off the stability then that's not too shabby...

Hopefully, as we even on this forum get to know more about the different types the gap between the fear to initiate and taking the chance will lessen for all of us. The goal will just be to connect when we want to and to respect each other's space when it's needed.