[INFJ] INFJs: Which type do you think is your ideal romantic match?

[Lexicon]

Regarding 'testing the waters', I suppose it depends on the context, but I have to say 'testing the waters' and seeing just how far they can go / what they can get away with / how far they can poke certain boundaries I find very irksome in general and it's a surefire way for me to lose interest and not take them seriously at all. But I don't know if this is what you're speaking to.

I think back in the day (i.e. years ago) I was more 'charmed' and amused by this, but I now find it very very annoying.

I think depending on the context & situation, it can be entertaining/amusing, but when it's directed at me- say, regarding topics they may have an awareness I'm sensitive about, etc- I feel terribly invaded- it's almost as if causing me distress to some extent matters less than getting the reactions or information they're trying to extract, or dynamic they want to explore. The things I've shared with them in confidentiality are suddenly irrelevant or dismissed. I realize it's not intentional, but it still happens.

This creates a need to scale back on my interactions with them to avoid conflict and a sense of breached trust. So, yeah, ENTP's are charming and fun- and badasses in their own way- but there's that.


I guess with NTJ's there are times that I can feel invaded/cornered, as well, but it's more when they slip into trying to micromanage things in an effort to help me be more "efficient." In the past, I've been annoyed that they felt the need to dispense advice on these day-to-day matters, as if my competence were being put to question- I wondered if they actually thought I was that careless-- and trying to explain this would trigger a butthurt Fi reaction- as they'd feel like I was rejecting their help- which they don't just freely give out to anyone.. but eventually I was able to remind myself to gloss over the overtly directive approach, and look at the drive to assist, underneath. It's like when my INTP friends show their Fe through hospitable behaviors, like making breakfast/coffee. It's very simple, and sweet. It's just pushy when it comes from an NTJ.. but then, everything is.

I find it generally easier to resolve the conflicts with NTJs than with ENTPs. Possibly due to the content of the arguments, as stated above. ENTP's directly go for the throat without realizing it, picking apart vulnerabilities- whereas NTJ's can sometimes just come off as controlling or condescending. One is far more or less distressing than the other to deal with, in the moment.


That said, conflicts occur in any relationship- there's no avoiding it. It's all in how well the two parties can resolve it, together.

 

[1487610420]

Regarding 'testing the waters', I suppose it depends on the context, but I have to say 'testing the waters' and seeing just how far they can go / what they can get away with / how far they can poke certain boundaries, I find very irksome in general and it's a surefire way for me to not take them seriously at all and also lose respect for them. But I don't know if this is what you're speaking to.

I think back in the day (i.e. years ago) I was more 'charmed' and amused by this, but I now find it very very annoying.

Do you think your present lack of tolerance might be stemming out of a past bad experience and a conditioned by some clash with your current expectations/feedback of the interaction?

 

[Circle]

I think back in the day (i.e. years ago) I was more 'charmed' and amused by this, but I now find it very very annoying.

When you realize how thin their attentions are spread it can make you feel unimportant and that's a challenge to intimacy. EPs seem especially prone to difficulty being present and focusing on one interaction at a time. I think extreme extraverts require a lot of work to develop their internal Self and until this work is done, you can never be sure who you are relating to. In general, each type has its challenges and benefits. INTPs are often neglectful. ENTPs are often exhausting. INTJs often forget to communicate about important things. Et cetera.

 

[cascadeco]

Do you think your present lack of tolerance might be stemming out of a past bad experience and a conditioned by some clash with your current expectations/feedback of the interaction?

Sure; however, it has happened with more than one ENTP, and I wasn't even in relationships with these individuals. It was a factor though in my not wanting to be in relationships with them / us never getting to a relationship stage, though. It doesn't mean the same dynamic would occur with ALL ENTP's, it just means that I am not very receptive or appreciative of this sort of dynamic in general, so is a reason I'm not in a relationship with one right now!

 

[1487610420]

Sure; however, it has happened with more than one ENTP, and I wasn't even in relationships with these individuals. It was a factor though in my not wanting to be in relationships with them / us never getting to a relationship stage, though. It doesn't mean the same dynamic would occur with ALL ENTP's, it just means that I am not very receptive or appreciative of this sort of dynamic in general, so is a reason I'm not in a relationship with one right now!

No further questions.

 

[Zarathustra]

I guess with NTJ's there are times that I can feel invaded/cornered, as well, but it's more when they slip into trying to micromanage things in an effort to help me be more "efficient." In the past, I've been annoyed that they felt the need to dispense advice on these day-to-day matters, as if my competence were being put to question- I wondered if they actually thought I was that careless-- and trying to explain this would trigger a butthurt Fi reaction- as they'd feel like I was rejecting their help- which they don't just freely give out to anyone.. but eventually I was able to remind myself to gloss over the overtly directive approach, and look at the drive to assist, underneath. It's like when my INTP friends show their Fe through hospitable behaviors, like making breakfast/coffee. It's very simple, and sweet. It's just pushy when it comes from an NTJ.. but then, everything is.

Imagine someone brought you a gift, and not only did you say you don't want it, but you got pissed at them for bringing it to you.

That's what you're doing when you're rejecting our advice.

Don't reject our love.

More likely than not, if you actually understand what the NTJ is trying to do, it will make sense, and make your life easier/better.

If, after considering whether it would make sense (and, please, actually consider it), it does not, then just explain to us why.

We really do think that the thing we've thought up will make your life better.

If you convince us that it will not, then we won't have a problem with you not doing it.

We may feel useless for not being able to help make your life better (if this happens repeatedly).

Or we may learn how to better consider who you are as a person in devising future "improvements".

Maybe we'll even realize that such improvements are not necessary, and instead direct our energy to some other more productive activity.

Even things like "that won't work because when I wake up I'm not in an emotional place to do that" can make sense to us and be accepted.

But to not accept, or even consider, what we have to offer, is basically to reject what is one of our core strengths.

If our partner doesn't appreciate one of our core strengths, what the hell are we doing together exactly?

Does this person appreciate me for who I am? Hell, does this person even really know me??

Anyway, just shedding some light on the thinking from the NTJ side of the equation.

INTJs often forget to communicate about important things.

Could you expand on this?

 

[Glycerine]

Sorry but I could totally see an Fe user saying the same exact thing.

But then what you write totally reminds me of my INFP mother. She always forces us to say, "thank you for your advice. I will consider what you said because I know that you really care about me." or she gets incredibly offended. If we don't, she says something along the lines, do you know why I do it? It's because I love you. Fi guilt trip.....RUN. Jk

 

[Zarathustra]

Oh, I think what I wrote can certainly be generalized to a lot more than just NTJs.

A lot of these kinds of things are always generalizable to more than just one group.

But NTJs (and TJs, in general) will probably have certain kinds of things they offer advice about more than other types.

Ours will probably tend to be more impersonal, more mechanical, having to do with some impersonal process that can be improved.

Other people probably won't think of it, whereas we will probably have some schema going on in our head as to how it is you operate.

But, yes, I agree that every type will tend to react against/reject the advice of types that specialize in their 7th or 8th functions.

 

[Starry]

But then what you write totally reminds me of my INFP mother. She always forces us to say, "thank you for your advice. I will consider what you said because I know that you really care about me."

Whoa...sorry for the off-topic post...but I just needed to write somewhere that...this quote totally reminds me of [MENTION=5999]PeaceBaby[/MENTION]

 

[Glycerine]

Whoa...sorry for the off-topic post...but I just needed to write somewhere that...this quote totally reminds me ofPeaceBaby

Sorry about being off-topic also but... LOL my mom is a 9w1 INFP like peacebaby.

It still makes me laugh because I could still totally see random Fe users and my mother giving the same rationale that Z did even if NTJs are probably are less sentimental/emotional about it.

So I was being sneaky and read his post to my mother and she said it was "spot on" for her (leaving out "NTJ").

 

[Lexicon]

Imagine someone brought you a gift, and not only did you say you don't want it, but you got pissed at them for bringing it to you.

That's what you're doing when you're rejecting our advice.

Don't reject our love.

More likely than not, if you actually understand what the NTJ is trying to do, it will make sense, and make your life easier/better.

If, after considering whether it would make sense (and, please, actually consider it), it does not, then just explain to us why.

We really do think that the thing we've thought up will make your life better.

If you convince us that it will not, then we won't have a problem with you not doing it.

We may feel useless for not being able to help make your life better (if this happens repeatedly).

Or we may learn how to better consider who you are as a person in devising future "improvements".

Maybe we'll even realize that such improvements are not necessary, and instead direct our energy to some other more productive activity.

Even things like "that won't work because when I wake up I'm not in an emotional place to do that" can make sense to us and be accepted.

But to not accept, or even consider, what we have to offer, is basically to reject what is one of our core strengths.

If our partner doesn't appreciate one of our core strengths, what the hell are we doing together exactly?

Does this person appreciate me for who I am? Hell, does this person even really know me??

Anyway, just shedding some light on the thinking from the NTJ side of the equation.

Yeah, that was something I definitely had to learn - I tended to assume that ''not being in the right place emotionally to do X'' was not on the table as a ''valid'' reason not to be able to apply their assistance to my situation, then I'd feel unable to explain why I dismissed the help, at times. Holes in communication like that lead to hurt feelings on both sides, reacting/retreating into ourselves, until it could be sorted out/clarified.

I think there are certain communicative pitfalls between every type- we all process reality differently- but, as I said before, as long as both parties sincerely want to understand, and refine the connection, I think the potential for mutual growth transcends one specific type.

 

[sulfit]

By Socionics intertype relations chart the best match for INFJ is the ESTP. These two types have exactly same cognitive functions but in reverse formation, making them form what's called a Duality relationship (described under SLE-IEI, INFJ becomes INFp in socionics since that is their Ni leading Fe creative type). Unfortunately these two types, INFJ and ESTP, rarely meet and get together so their unions are very few.

Other favorable matches include: ENFJ (mirror relationship), ISTP (activity relationship), ENTP (mirage relationship), INTP and ISFP (benefit relationship), ENFP (extinguishment relationship), ESFP (semi-duality relationship)

 

[andiyar]

For me personally... it's always been ENFJs, interestingly. It's actually been entertaining in the past, that I've been able to tell whether someone is an ENFJ or not by whether or not I found them attractive - regardless of other factors.


-Andiyar

 

[Crescent Fresh]

At first, I was strongly attracted to ENFP, and then INTJ. Though it seems with ENFPs the clashes can be quite difficult to achieve an inner-harmony; whereas INTJs seem to be quite compatible but lack of emotional sparks.

Recently, after engaging with a few INTPs, I realized I'm much more compatible with them. Their sense of humor seem rarely offensive and I think we help each other to draw out our shells in our own ways.

My vote goes to INTP.

 

[Tiltyred]

Who's my perfect match? Oh, I dunno ... who's available?
I tend to fall in love with other beautiful dreamers, but we quickly pull each other into disaster. Somebody's got to take care of stuff that needs taking care of, instead of sitting around listening to music and reading Rupert Brooke aloud to each other and whatnot. ESTP would be a great match if I could get my energy level up high enough consistently enough to feel like I met their needs, but I don't see that happening, and I'd hate to be a disappointment. This is why I mostly just dally and don't commit, or choose to be with someone who is unavailable for whatever reason for marriage or making it too real. I need to be able to choose when to interact, because if I'm forced by daily necessity to interact when I don't have the energy, it's not pretty.

And yes, ENTP is so engaging and delightful in the beginning, but so easily distracted, in my view, and not able to swim in the deep currents. Again, nice for every once in awhile, but not good for long term day to day. I'd starve to death emotionally.

 

[Moxiest]

INTP or ESTP.

 

[Reverie]

I'm married to an ENFP and also voted for ENFP, however that said I should probably mention I have previously dated several guys, who in retrospect I would type as pretty obvious ENFPs, and none of them was my "ideal romantic match"... So I'm issuing a disclaimer in case someone wants to jump into the type dating pool reading an MBTI manual. Better to just see who you gel with and forget type. You can dig out your books again when the first sprinkles of fairy dust rub off and you have to negotiate in the reality of long term relationships.

 

[Ten]

At first, I was strongly attracted to ENFP, and then INTJ. Though it seems with ENFPs the clashes can be quite difficult to achieve an inner-harmony; whereas INTJs seem to be quite compatible but lack of emotional sparks.

Recently, after engaging with a few INTPs, I realized I'm much more compatible with them. Their sense of humor seem rarely offensive and I think we help each other to draw out our shells in our own ways.

My vote goes to INTP.

Honestly, at this point I think I seriously question the type of anyone who claims to be an INFJ yet gets along well with ENFPs and INFPs. XNFPs and I have no functions in common and gradually after some time, I have come to see that while seeming similar on the surface, we are extremely different and incompatible, I agree with the socionics people on this matter; XNXPs are a lot more like the SJs than most people imagine and Si and Ni are very incompatible in my experience.

I had XNFP friends when I was younger and not quite as honest with myself but now I have more ESXP friends because I realized that I have far more in common with ESXPs even though when I was younger that did not seem to be the case at all. I am even hoping now to meet more ESXPs because Se is something I find that I really, really need as life becomes more difficult and complex.

Don't be too quick to think that you are compatible with INTPs either. There is often strong mutual attraction between INTPs and INFJs initially but these types often have all sorts of vital needs that the other type cannot fulfil and that soon becomes apparent after a few months or years. I would not even consider having a relationship with an INTP now, I have seen how quite a few of them behave in relationships. I am intellectual enough already, I am not seeking an intellectual and I am not going to be a widow to anyone's mind and thoughts as I was with my INTP ex who turned out to be extremely neglectful and self absorbed and no doubt he now has some quite negative thoughts about me too.

 

[prplchknz]

Honestly, at this point I think I seriously question the type of anyone who claims to be an INFJ yet gets along well with ENFPs and INFPs. XNFPs and I have no functions in common and gradually after some time, I have come to see that while seeming similar on the surface, we are extremely different and incompatible, I agree with the socionics people on this matter; XNXPs are a lot more like the SJs than most people imagine and Si and Ni are very incompatible in my experience.

I had XNFP friends when I was younger and not quite as honest with myself but now I have more ESXP friends because I realized that I have far more in common with ESXPs even though when I was younger that did not seem to be the case at all. I am even hoping now to meet more ESXPs because Se is something I find that I really, really need as life becomes more difficult and complex.

Don't be too quick to think that you are compatible with INTPs either. There is often strong mutual attraction between INTPs and INFJs initially but these types often have all sorts of vital needs that the other type cannot fulfil and that soon becomes apparent after a few months or years. I would not even consider having a relationship with an INTP now, I have seen how quite a few of them behave in relationships. I am intellectual enough already, I am not seeking an intellectual and I am not going to be a widow to anyone's mind and thoughts as I was with my INTP ex who turned out to be extremely neglectful and self absorbed and no doubt he now has some quite negative thoughts about me too.

sounds bitter

 

[Ten]

sounds bitter

Not bitter at all, just somewhat disappointed that my relationships with INTPs eventually end badly because I like a lot about that type (the Ti especially) and I am still good friends with my most recent INTP ex, I think we work better as friends because there is just less expectations.

XNFPs I am just not compatible with as neither friends or partners, they tend not to understand what I am feeling/experiencing and if they do have some understanding, they often do not understand the depth or shallowness and so either think it is less than or more than it is, I have this problem to some extent I find with all types with Si amongst the first four functions. XNFPs have even worst difficulties understanding what I communicate and I likewise do not really understand them and usually after about five years of close interaction with them, the realization hits me that I do not actually trust, like or admire them. I cannot help this, as bad as it sounds, I am being honest, maybe it is just that we do not share any functions and it really does affect our communications and world view. I eventually come to see that we have nothing in common beyond the superficial. Like I said, I really think the socionics people are right about this matter based on my long term experience. There is just something I find deeply unsatisfying about dealing with XNFPs the older I get and on the other hand, I find Se types more likeable and better for my development with each passing year whereas when I was younger this was not so obviously the case at all that is all I am saying.