[INFJ] INFJs and Dating

[entropie]

I guess that is a fundamental flaw of myself..

do you want my underwear, I give it to you, it is just one day used, you can have it, here it is, no problem at all ! xD

 

[sammy]

I guess that is a fundamental flaw of myself..

do you want my underwear, I give it to you, it is just one day used, you can have it, here it is, no problem at all ! xD

You seem to be focusing a lot on the "fundamental flaws" of yourself and an entire personality type (INFJ). Regarding how it bothers you when a person knows what they're talking about --perhaps your insecurity is that you won't know how to respond or argue against a person who speaks what you recognize as the truth but don't necessarily wish to accept (yet, or ever).

Your underwear is irrelevant.

 

[DigitalMethod]

I can relate to the whole being too picky thing. It is sometimes lame, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[DigitalMethod]

Your underwear is irrelevant.

lol.

 

[entropie]

That is about it what I wanted to say with my first post @philonightmare

 

[Kiddo]

I can relate to the whole being too picky thing. It is sometimes lame, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I suppose it is better than the alternative.

 

[heart]

Nope. Apparantly my Ni is very picky. And I really, really, hate dating.

I'm hoping that it is just that I haven't met anyone that I click with. Or maybe I'm not ready for a relationship.

Yes, either you are not at that point where you are truly ready or something about your patterns of interaction at present are not bringing you into contact with truly compatible people.

Consider also your selection process, the things you cue into at first, what you are zeroing in on during the first impression process, it may be leading you to pick people who do not posess the qualities you desire or need.

 

[MetalWounds]

Dating for INJs tends to be a long, painstaking process. I'd say INFJs get a bit of a heads up on their T cousins due to that Fe of theirs.
I've noticed that there only has to be a hint of romance for Ni to go on tons of wild daydreamish tangents. I guess the hardest thing for me is Te, it's always noticing discrepancies. Then Ni wildly exaggerates how they might play out (All while Te says "I knew it!, they're bad news"). What really dooms me is that for any of this to even begin to happen, there has to be some connection with someone, which is quite rare.

 

[nightning]

^
Agrees... reality never live up to fantasy daydreams...

At times it feels like I'm in love with a dream. I think for most INXJs, it takes us a little bit to become committed. After that, we hang on to the possibilities like a madman.

 

[redacted]

Dating for INJs tends to be a long, painstaking process. I'd say INFJs get a bit of a heads up on their T cousins due to that Fe of theirs.

i think INTJs have it easier. Fe isn't harsh enough, and doesn't much care about the efficiency of outer world action. Te can actually assess whether or not a relationship would work much more efficiently.

INFJs seem more likely to go for something that won't work...

and that's the thing with relationships; you have to constantly assess if the pros are outweighing the cons, and if the possibility of change is actually implementable. Te is blatantly the best function for this.

on the other hand, Fe is more likely to reach compromise with the other member of the relationship, which is of immense importance as well.

overall, i'd say INTJs probably make better relationship choices, and are better at ending things before they get really bad. but INFJs have the empathy/connecting deeply thing... hmmm...

 

[Kiddo]

Yes, either you are not at that point where you are truly ready or something about your patterns of interaction at present are not bringing you into contact with truly compatible people.

Consider also your selection process, the things you cue into at first, what you are zeroing in on during the first impression process, it may be leading you to pick people who do not posess the qualities you desire or need.

I find the most important things in my selection process are whether I'm attracted to them, whether they are psychologically healthy, and if they have ambitions for the future. It's surprisingly difficult to find people who meet all three of those qualities.

But I will pay attention and see if there are things outside of those qualities that I focus in on. There are little things that can annoy me. But I know I can overlook a lot if they meet those three qualities.

 

[redacted]

i don't know about defining qualities and then dismissing people based on them.

i'd say let your Ni do the work. you may find someone without ambitions for the future for example that you could have an amazing relationship with.

i have all of these qualities i tend to apply too, but recently, i've decided to try to let go and just stick with my gut.

and look where it's gotten me: i think the girl i have a crush on at the moment is an SJ

 

[heart]

I find the most important things in my selection process are whether I'm attracted to them, whether they are psychologically healthy, and if they have ambitions for the future. It's surprisingly difficult to find people who meet all three of those qualities.

But I will pay attention and see if there are things outside of those qualities that I focus in on. There are little things that can annoy me. But I know I can overlook a lot if they meet those three qualities.

If it were me, I would look at what attracts you and why...but with your Ti and see what it has to say about it. Sometimes T can give F/N a different perspective on love.

 

[tenINsFJ]

I find the most important things in my selection process are whether I'm attracted to them, whether they are psychologically healthy, and if they have ambitions for the future. It's surprisingly difficult to find people who meet all three of those qualities.

But I will pay attention and see if there are things outside of those qualities that I focus in on. There are little things that can annoy me. But I know I can overlook a lot if they meet those three qualities.

Lol Kiddo, we think a like. I look for those three things as well, except mine goes deeper..a lot deeper lol. I'm gonna sound crazy for typing what I look for in a girl but here it goes.
.If I'm attracted to them***
.Be religious***
.Their Mental well being.***
.Their Ambitions in the future.***
.How they interact with other people, caring/positive outlook ***
.Can't smoke/Drink/Sleep Around***
.Can't have more than two sexual partners.***
.Be sort of reserved.
.Not be flirtatious.
.Be able to have fun being themselves.
.Confidence
.Ability to be independent yet loyal ***
.Should always be happy ***
.Smile a lot ***
.Can't have a history of BFs***
.Can't have a lot of baggage ***
.Dress appropriately(nothing suggestive or sleezy or revealing)***

It's kind of crazy. The one with *** means if they don't have that characteristic, I don't even look twice. I guess I would require this in a girl cause it's what I am too. Maybe I'm not mentally sound after typing that list, haha. Oh well. I'll probably never find anyone if I don't overlook a lot of this. What ever happened to the decent traditional girls with morals and a conscience? It's incredibly difficult to find some girl that isn't interested in degrading herself and can show some self respect. I work at Starbucks and I've come across hundreds of girls that are easy to talk to, but are just flat out wild and crazy. And now the girls gone wild commercial just came on TV and I want to puke. Oh well! I'm happy being single until the right girl comes along.

Kinda random, buI would NEVER say any of this to anyone irl. I'm only posting this cause perhaps someone out there will understand me.. or heck i'm just posting this to throw some input for you guys to talk about. irl when I talk to people I'm totally normal and get along with everyone etc, but damn, I suppress my thoughts of so much of what I'm seeing and feeling everyday.

 

[redacted]

holy crap man, good luck.

i understand where you're coming from, but you're gonna need to do some serious work letting go. it seems to me you subconsciously are very afraid of a relationship, and use those traits as protective measures.

it's more about your own insecurities than your standards.

 

[elfinchilde]

Haha, tennisFJ, not your list, but the latter comments resonate a lot with me, just flip it the other way around:

what happened to men who can stay faithful, who don't sleep around and/or are just interested in girls only as 'meat'? And worser, that if one doesn't "put out", you're just seen as being a prude/anal/uptight etc.

When in reality, really. Does the majority always mean right? The trouble with the modern definition of love is that it's only physical, and nothing more. And both men and women don't think anymore; but merely follow what's in.

What happened to the olden times, when people understood that in a relationship, sure, it isn't easy, but one at least tries?

That love isn't just about sex, but about mutual respect, and respect for oneself, too.

sadly, these qualities just seem dead in the world today.

edit: and haha. i used to spend a lot of time angsting why wasn't i like other girls, who can just put out so easily and get all the male attention. but then, i guess, there comes a time when one grows up, and grows into oneself. You learn more about who you are; who you want to be, and who and what you can accept and not. Because in the end, it is simple, really. If i were to put out, of course, it's so easy to get male attention, but would it be the kind of attention i want; would i ever be happy, knowing that i've compromised my own standards for 'love'? No. Because love should never have to require one to cripple oneself. On matters of style, it is possible to compromise, but on matters of principle, never.

And any guy who wants me to be otherwise, can just go out of the window.

 

[MetalWounds]

Haha, tennisFJ, not your list, but the latter comments resonate a lot with me, just flip it the other way around:

what happened to men who can stay faithful, who don't sleep around and/or are just interested in girls only as 'meat'? And worser, that if one doesn't "put out", you're just seen as being a prude/anal/uptight etc.

When in reality, really. Does the majority always mean right? The trouble with the modern definition of love is that it's only physical, and nothing more. And both men and women don't think anymore; but merely follow what's in.

What happened to the olden times, when people understood that in a relationship, sure, it isn't easy, but one at least tries?

That love isn't just about sex, but about mutual respect, and respect for oneself, too.

sadly, these qualities just seem dead in the world today.

edit: and haha. i used to spend a lot of time angsting why wasn't i like other girls, who can just put out so easily and get all the male attention. but then, i guess, there comes a time when one grows up, and grows into oneself. You learn more about who you are; who you want to be, and who and what you can accept and not. Because in the end, it is simple, really. If i were to put out, of course, it's so easy to get male attention, but would it be the kind of attention i want; would i ever be happy, knowing that i've compromised my own standards for 'love'? No. Because love should never have to require one to cripple oneself. On matters of style, it is possible to compromise, but on matters of principle, never.

And any guy who wants me to be otherwise, can just go out of the window.

I can relate. From a male perspective, of course. Some say that I'm just old fashioned and stubborn. Probably. I can't help it if I'm not superficial enough to enjoy what's "in" simply for it's own sake. I've been to many a party (or anywhere alcohol is served really) and seen women take their clothes off just for the hell of it, or act in a promiscuous manner. I wonder "Where does that get you?". Seriously, I couldn't live that life. I'm sure a lot of this is my ISTJ father's values imprinted on me (They just work, why wouldn't I uphold them), but I want a woman I can respect. Otherwise I couldn't respect myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty open minded, and colorful past doesn't really put off. Everyone makes mistakes, right? I don't have the attitude of using the attributes I desire in a woman as disqualfying factors. It's more of a goal, in choosing a mate, I asses the feasiblity of weather or not I think that she can meet those standards. Nothing perfect has ever came about without some degree of labor in its creation.

I'll probably die alone.

 

[cafe]

Lol Kiddo, we think a like. I look for those three things as well, except mine goes deeper..a lot deeper lol. I'm gonna sound crazy for typing what I look for in a girl but here it goes.
.If I'm attracted to them***
.Be religious***
.Their Mental well being.***
.Their Ambitions in the future.***
.How they interact with other people, caring/positive outlook ***
.Can't smoke/Drink/Sleep Around***
.Can't have more than two sexual partners.***
.Be sort of reserved.
.Not be flirtatious.
.Be able to have fun being themselves.
.Confidence
.Ability to be independent yet loyal ***
.Should always be happy ***
.Smile a lot ***
.Can't have a history of BFs***
.Can't have a lot of baggage ***
.Dress appropriately(nothing suggestive or sleezy or revealing)***

It's kind of crazy. The one with *** means if they don't have that characteristic, I don't even look twice. I guess I would require this in a girl cause it's what I am too. Maybe I'm not mentally sound after typing that list, haha. Oh well. I'll probably never find anyone if I don't overlook a lot of this. What ever happened to the decent traditional girls with morals and a conscience? It's incredibly difficult to find some girl that isn't interested in degrading herself and can show some self respect. I work at Starbucks and I've come across hundreds of girls that are easy to talk to, but are just flat out wild and crazy. And now the girls gone wild commercial just came on TV and I want to puke. Oh well! I'm happy being single until the right girl comes along.

Kinda random, buI would NEVER say any of this to anyone irl. I'm only posting this cause perhaps someone out there will understand me.. or heck i'm just posting this to throw some input for you guys to talk about. irl when I talk to people I'm totally normal and get along with everyone etc, but damn, I suppress my thoughts of so much of what I'm seeing and feeling everyday.

A few observations/suggestions:
Nobody is always happy.
Almost everybody has some baggage.
If your religion is Christian, consider attending a Bridal Bible College of your denomination.
You will have a better chance of finding a girl that hasn't had a lot of partners if you plan on marrying young.
Work on being the guy a girl like that would want, if you aren't already.

 

[sunnyraining]

What happened to the olden times, when people understood that in a relationship, sure, it isn't easy, but one at least tries?

That love isn't just about sex, but about mutual respect, and respect for oneself, too.

sadly, these qualities just seem dead in the world today.

edit: and haha. i used to spend a lot of time angsting why wasn't i like other girls, who can just put out so easily and get all the male attention. but then, i guess, there comes a time when one grows up, and grows into oneself. You learn more about who you are; who you want to be, and who and what you can accept and not. Because in the end, it is simple, really. If i were to put out, of course, it's so easy to get male attention, but would it be the kind of attention i want; would i ever be happy, knowing that i've compromised my own standards for 'love'? No. Because love should never have to require one to cripple oneself. On matters of style, it is possible to compromise, but on matters of principle, never.

And any guy who wants me to be otherwise, can just go out of the window.

Hear hear! Well said Elfin!

There is another outlook on 'love' that possibly goes a bit beyond looking for a mate and that is the way of compassion and developing your own inner self first. As I see it, you have to be able to live with both solitude and celibacy to cultivate strong intimacy. Otherwise a search for a partner might be just an expression of personal emptiness or disillusionment and might not satisfy the yearning for connection.

But possibly with the above attitude you might be contented living alone and go through life not having known romantic love... hmm ...

 

[elfinchilde]

Hear hear! Well said Elfin!

There is another outlook on 'love' that possibly goes a bit beyond looking for a mate and that is the way of compassion and developing your own inner self first. As I see it, you have to be able to live with both solitude and celibacy to cultivate strong intimacy. Otherwise a search for a partner might be just an expression of personal emptiness or disillusionment and might not satisfy the yearning for connection.

But possibly with the above attitude you might be contented living alone and go through life not having known romantic love... hmm ...

good post.

sunnyraining. yeps, the other outlook on love, as you say, is actually the outlook i'm cultivating now. which was why i had talked about growing into yourself, and all that.

Essentially, it's to have an inner sense of self so strong, that it isn't dependent on external approval. Cos yea... The way i perceive it, most nowadays are looking for romantic love, not because they wish to give/share of a relationship fairly, with mutual respect and give-and-take, but because they wish to fill in some inner emptiness/disillusionment.

ie, "what's in it for me"? is probably the phrase that best sums up a modern day relationship. But as Oscar Wilde once said, "the only difference between a life long passion and a caprice is that the caprice lasts a little longer."

because what makes a relationship, to me, isn't just romantic love alone. Physical chemistry has to be there, of course. But there are other things too, that are just as important, if not more so: character, respect, mutual tolerance, and the ability to give-and-take.

A relationship isn't just me-me-me, or you-you-you. There has to be balance.

lol. it isn't true that you won't know romantic love. My dear, it simply means you will know yourself well enough, and are grounded enough in yourself, that a compromised romantic love won't be a priority. Look at it another way: what loves you then find will be real loves, and not heats of the moment that may just result in guilt, or you yourself feeling bad, clinging, pain, infatuations, etc. (assuming of course, that you're talking about someone who wants to cultivate himself/herself first, and not the stereotypical american teen/youth who just wants to sleep around.)

of course, one may never find love. but it is a question of what you can live with, and what you are willing to give for it. Would you be happy if you compromised on your own standards?

I can relate. From a male perspective, of course. Some say that I'm just old fashioned and stubborn. Probably. I can't help it if I'm not superficial enough to enjoy what's "in" simply for it's own sake. I've been to many a party (or anywhere alcohol is served really) and seen women take their clothes off just for the hell of it, or act in a promiscuous manner. I wonder "Where does that get you?". Seriously, I couldn't live that life. I'm sure a lot of this is my ISTJ father's values imprinted on me (They just work, why wouldn't I uphold them), but I want a woman I can respect. Otherwise I couldn't respect myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty open minded, and colorful past doesn't really put off. Everyone makes mistakes, right? I don't have the attitude of using the attributes I desire in a woman as disqualfying factors. It's more of a goal, in choosing a mate, I asses the feasiblity of weather or not I think that she can meet those standards. Nothing perfect has ever came about without some degree of labor in its creation.

I'll probably die alone.

to the first bolded.

your second bolded was what i considered too: essentially, if i did that, could i respect myself? can i respect someone who does something like that? And from there, one decides, what is acceptable, what is not, in the choice of a partner.

don't get me wrong, it's not about having a "moral revolution" and insisting on having my way or no way! :steam: I'd be the last person to force my standards on anyone. every person has a right to be happy, and to lead their lives their own way. But simply, it's not me, it's not how i want to lead my life. And so, elfie will just go her own way.

As for having standards: there's no need to apologize for it, really. After all, if we pick our colleges, our houses, our careers, heck, even our computers, cars and cellphones with deliberation, what is wrong with having some standards for one's life partner?

good to know that you guys exist tho. At least there's hope for a sore little elfin heart now.

Metalwounds, oh don't worry, if you're dying alone, i'd probably be right there with you!