[INFJ] INFJ - unhealthy traits

[anii]

Excessive indulgence in Se activities.

 

[the state i am in]

what do you think of the estp shadow? how does it manifest itself? i've always hated estps, and perhaps this is why?

altho, i don't feel like i've ever embodied estp traits even when unhealthy, which i've been with disturbing frequency.

 

[something boring]

I think I have. Pretty scary, I think the negative version of any type would be.

 

[Kyrielle]

what do you think of the estp shadow? how does it manifest itself? i've always hated estps, and perhaps this is why?

altho, i don't feel like i've ever embodied estp traits even when unhealthy, which i've been with disturbing frequency.

I do. Or at least I think I do. I tend to either not eat or continually eat...not like a meal...just continually chew on something (this is a problem I've had since a child...I like to chew on things when stressed which is why you should keep Twizzlers and gummy bears away from me). I don't do what I need to be doing. Instead, I spend an awful lot of time in either overwhelming sensory experiences (playing a game for very long hours, going for long walks through the busiest part of the city with music very loud until everything is a cacophony) or deprive myself of a number of sensory things (like a quiet room, little sound and light, mostly just sitting in the half-light not-thinking...just listening to the gears turn in my head). Sometimes I spend a lot of time sleeping or laying down.

I stop listening to the part of myself that says "Hey, how would this person feel if you did that to them?" and just do things without thinking the 50+ steps into the future I usually do.

Mostly, I get tired of being myself and try to get out of myself through the physical world. If I do it right, I can center myself by doing so, but whatever I'm doing has to be productive in order for that to happen.

 

[Chimerical]

I've seen the term 'martyr complex' used to describe unhealthy INFJs. Could anyone describe this in detail? What are some other unhealthy traits to look out for with INFJs?

I do lots of really stupid things that involve other people's well being looked out for with absolutely no concern for mine.

A tiny detail is when I have one cigarette left in my pack I'll give it out without thinking that I wont have one if I do. If you take that and multiple the situation a bit, I've done things like give people rides or food in situations where i get completely screwed because I'm left with nothing.

I even gave a friend a car because he could use one and ended up walking everywhere I went. Martyr complex is something that I wish i didn't have. But for the most part I can't help it.

 

[ReadingRainbows]

ALL OF THEM!

hey...you can't help but love all the sweet INFJs who try to take care of you when they can barely take care of themselves!!!

 

[Obstinate]

Unhealthy traits pretty much describe me during high school, e.g. now. It's like, I don't want to be this way, but I dislike it here so much. I can't wait to go away to college.

 

[Chimerical]

The fucked up part.
I care about everyone and everything all the time. I want the best for all. But...
I don't want to care. I even try really really hard NOT to care, but it doesn't work. So...
My emotions are like a giant rock that I pull around everything. I keep trying to get rid of it, but it's chained to my leg and the only way to get rid of it is to cut off my leg.

It's kinda funny because I'm aware of my surrounding well enough to notice the little things like when someone needs a chair I usually notice first and they have it before they know they need it.

Do the rest of you guys do that?

 

[Prototype]

The fucked up part.
I care about everyone and everything all the time. I want the best for all. But...
I don't want to care. I even try really really hard NOT to care, but it doesn't work. So...
My emotions are like a giant rock that I pull around everything. I keep trying to get rid of it, but it's chained to my leg and the only way to get rid of it is to cut off my leg.

It's kinda funny because I'm aware of my surrounding well enough to notice the little things like when someone needs a chair I usually notice first and they have it before they know they need it.

Do the rest of you guys do that?

Everything you mentioned sounds a little familiar, but,... Getting a chair for someone? By the time I get the idea to, someone else does it or the person finds one... haha.. I'm usually more aware of whats happening than what most pay attention to,... I just lack the ability to act on it... Mainly because I know someone would eventually find a chair, so... Meh!

 

[Serendipity]

The fucked up part.
I care about everyone and everything all the time. I want the best for all. But...
I don't want to care. I even try really really hard NOT to care, but it doesn't work. So...
My emotions are like a giant rock that I pull around everything. I keep trying to get rid of it, but it's chained to my leg and the only way to get rid of it is to cut off my leg.

It's kinda funny because I'm aware of my surrounding well enough to notice the little things like when someone needs a chair I usually notice first and they have it before they know they need it.

Do the rest of you guys do that?

And when you cut off your leg, you realize that it isn't like getting a papercut.

 

[Cronkle]

Clinginess, expecting too much out of someone who you're not in relationship with.

I expect my friends to be as deep as I am about life and what-it-means-to-be-a-friend, but it doesn't work out that way so I remonstrate myself to lighten up and accept them as is. I also have to make sure to not call be incessantly and fall head over heels with someone that is not looking for that deep of a relationship.

 

[KLessard]

I think you just described your own needs, ENFP...

Hmm... I wouldn't necessarily say that the INFJs I knew had a martyr complex, although the one unhealthy trait that I did find in the both were the fact that once they made their mind up about something, it was nearly impossible to convince them otherwise.. but that was them. I don't know about other INFJs, and I think any other type can be just as bullheaded, depending on how much importance we place on certain issues.

What I learned in how to deal with INFJs is, if ya really love them, let them go. If they need their space, give it to them. Maybe, they're too hurt to really have to deal with certain things that may be deeply bothering them. So to try to pry it out of them is like squirting lime on an open wound. Let it be..

Besides, once someone holds strongly onto their own beliefs, there's nothing we can do to really change that. I believe, peoples' attitudes/beliefs change only if they want to. Only time will tell. So set them free. If they come back, then good. If not, then just let them go & wish them well, because that's what people who care do- wish the other person all the best, much love & respect, regardless of what happens. Hope this helps!

 

[SilkRoad]

Those things may not be all that important, but as a general rule of thumb, if an INFJ is upset about something and demands that something be done, it's probably best to do it. After it's done they will reward you with gratitude and apologies for their strident tone. If you don't do it, things will blow over in the short term, but the next time an episode like this happens your failure to comply previous will be brought up again.

We may not do it often, but INFJs are capable of holding very long grudges.

I must admit this applies 100% to me...

 

[vince]

I'm an unhealthy INFJ : I hold lifelong grudges and I dislike most people for their apathy or nihilism. Not to mention I'm cynical and I have no hope for mankind whatsoever. But have a nice day.

 

[tibby]

I find being healthy taxing, but I'm getting healthier I think the older I get. It might be an enneagram 4 thing too but I just need to pull back every once in a while, I may take huge leaps forward and know forward is the only way to go, but every once in a while lapse too and get into this loop, but I haven't found a way to break it completely yet.

It feels like almost all functions of the INFJ contradict each other.
I don't know enough about functions but it seems that way.

An unhealthy INFJ no longer cares. And that goes for everything. It's truly frightening for a type that actually cares pretty deeply, and it takes a lot to get to that point, disappointment, takes something big to stop believing in people. The only retreat from there is Hell (ESTP shadow). Once the INFJ has run in circles enough and Se will never satisfy, and they start feeling even more ill, they'll eventually just give up, and accept something has to be done.

 

[JoSunshine]

I can only speak from personal experience, because I am the only INFJ I have encountered in the "real" world. It took me a long time to go from an unhealthy state of mind to a (relatively) healthy one. Then again, I was raised in a lopsided home -- Mother was ISFJ and loved her kids ... Father was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who told his eldest son (me) that he was essentially worthless ... and I grew into adulthood believing it.

I think I was in my shadow personality for all of my childhood after puberty, and well into my 20s. It took me a long time to climb out of the trap.

I was:

-Very needy. People took advantage of me all the time.

-Gullible. See above.

-Paranoid. I didn't trust anybody, even close friends.

-Arrogant. I was always looking for reasons why I was better than people, but I would only ever find ways that I was worse, so I compensated by pretending to be a bad-ass. LOLz, indeed.

-Moody as hell. My emotions would fly off the handle at any given moment, and then I would guilt myself out about it, then I would get depressed, and the whole cycle would start over again.

-Phobic. I am still working through this.

This sounds like the unhealthy INFJ I know. But instead of being a "bad ass" he acts like the he is the Dahli Lama or Jesus (so frustrating). It took me a long time to figure out how someone so obviously fragile could be so arrogant. I vacilate between wanting to strangle him and wanting to hug him...

 

[Phantonym]

Clinginess, expecting too much out of someone who you're not in relationship with.

I expect my friends to be as deep as I am about life and what-it-means-to-be-a-friend, but it doesn't work out that way so I remonstrate myself to lighten up and accept them as is. I also have to make sure to not call be incessantly and fall head over heels with someone that is not looking for that deep of a relationship.

The bolded part is just...so true. I expect too much from people in general...

 

[rogue1]

A question: I've noticed that when an INFJ gets into 'bossy mode' they might create a list of things that NEED to be done. After they cool off, it's hard to tell whether they really care about having those things done. I can't tell if they are just being nice/feel ashamed that they got angry so they act like those things aren't important or if those things really just aren't important.

Any advice?

When I do this I know that I still want it done, but I back off and try to let someone be their own boss. I really hate nagging... I don't I get the reaction that I am wanting by riding someone about something that is important to me. I want them to want to all on their own. I can be patient and wait for it.

 

[Quay]

The bolded part is just...so true. I expect too much from people in general...

Yep.

I even expect/predict negative (what I don't want to hear relly) answers to questions I haven't even asked, which will keep me from asking questions.

And I will expect negative reactions to anything I'm doing, so I get really defensive before I even do anything.

 

[rogue1]

hey...you can't help but love all the sweet INFJs who try to take care of you when they can barely take care of themselves!!!

LOL That probably annoys a lot of people.

A lot of crying and hiding from the world but desperately hoping that someone will come help you.

Well maybe not the crying part....

I can only speak from personal experience, because I am the only INFJ I have encountered in the "real" world. It took me a long time to go from an unhealthy state of mind to a (relatively) healthy one. Then again, I was raised in a lopsided home -- Mother was ISFJ and loved her kids ... Father was an emotionally abusive alcoholic who told his eldest son (me) that he was essentially worthless ... and I grew into adulthood believing it.

I think I was in my shadow personality for all of my childhood after puberty, and well into my 20s. It took me a long time to climb out of the trap.

I was:

1. -Very needy. People took advantage of me all the time.

2. -Gullible. See above.

3. -Paranoid. I didn't trust anybody, even close friends.

4. -Arrogant. I was always looking for reasons why I was better than people, but I would only ever find ways that I was worse, so I compensated by pretending to be a bad-ass. LOLz, indeed.

5. -Moody as hell. My emotions would fly off the handle at any given moment, and then I would guilt myself out about it, then I would get depressed, and the whole cycle would start over again.

6. -Phobic. I am still working through this.

I have worked through most of this too....ummm some still apply, but working on it.

Why would anyone want an INFJ. sigh... LOL you get more than you bargain for.