[INFJ] INFJ - unhealthy traits

[Fidelia]

I don't think this is necesssarily an unhealthy trait, but it is a puzzling one to most other types. I've noticed that most INFJs process interactions on a delayed schedule and need time to think about anything that's happened between them and another person before they come to a conclusion or resolution. To others this can seem as if they are acting capriciously when they can't connect the current behaviour to the present interaction (it's based on the previous interaction!). It also can make them feel like INFJs are holding onto grudges if they keep bringing up unresolved bits of the same issue. I think for us, it's difficult to really clean out that junk drawer of emotions without someone's help in finding places for everything. If you push an INFJ to resolve something before they've gotten all the pieces put away, it will keep coming up and they will resent you for not taking time to properly understand what the whole issue is before wanting to get it done with.

We also really need to feel truly listened to. If we are listened to without being given extra input while we are still venting frustration or bleeding off extra emotion, we will naturally soon start looking for a practical solution. If not, we will remain stuck on the problem with the added problem of not feeling listened to. You perform an excellent service just by being willing to listen. It's needed for processing, sort of like an emotional equivalent of how House uses his team to sort through his own possible diagnoses.

 

[Lightyear]

One negative trait I can think of: Just sometimes reacting too emotional, blowing things out of proportion. For example someone might make me really angry and on the inside I start accusing this person of all sorts of things, my intuitive ability to read between the lines becomes a liability when combined with negative emotions because I start seeing bad things in the person where there are none.

That's why I am really glad that I am an introvert because I tend to keep all this anger to myself or only talk about it to a select few instead of just flinging it at the person who has annoyed me. I am also glad that I have a very logical streak that will tap my emotions on the shoulder and quietly remind them that they are overreacting, so in general I can keep myself in check, I can't remember ever truly losing my temper. And once I have given myself a bit of downtime and the emotions have calmed down I can deal with the problem more objectively and approach it calmly.

 

[ilovereeses]

Oh there is so much I could share after being in a relationship with an unhealthy INFJ...

The thing that bugged me the most was how manipulative he was, and how gullible I was.

~He always made himself look like the victim whenever we had a fight and guilted me into whatever he wanted.
~When he had his mind set on something that he wanted, he refused to listen to reason. It's like everything I said blew over his head.
~When I wouldn't give in to him, he'd call my dad and try to get my own father against me.
~He lied and over-exaggerated about everything. (He would call me, crying his eyes out saying that his friend, that no one else knows about, died...the 3rd friend that week...and he never even went to any funerals.)
~He had some sick pleasure of doing anything to make me feel bad for him. (He told me he was 50% autistic, then at the end of the day told me he was just kidding...sad part is, I wasn't surprised when he told me.)

The breakup was a messy 1 month process...involving many angry emails from him, followed by an apology email full of, "You don't know how I feel..." and "I want to think that you're a nice girl, but..." and "Remember back when we were happy?" stuff in there, begging me to meet with him to talk just "one more time"....because "just 5 minutes could solve everything."

Nice guy...just a little psycho...and stalkerish...

 

[Lightyear]

Oh there is so much I could share after being in a relationship with an unhealthy INFJ...

The thing that bugged me the most was how manipulative he was, and how gullible I was.

~He always made himself look like the victim whenever we had a fight and guilted me into whatever he wanted.
~When he had his mind set on something that he wanted, he refused to listen to reason. It's like everything I said blew over his head.
~When I wouldn't give in to him, he'd call my dad and try to get my own father against me.
~He lied and over-exaggerated about everything. (He would call me, crying his eyes out saying that his friend, that no one else knows about, died...the 3rd friend that week...and he never even went to any funerals.)
~He had some sick pleasure of doing anything to make me feel bad for him. (He told me he was 50% autistic, then at the end of the day told me he was just kidding...sad part is, I wasn't surprised when he told me.)

The breakup was a messy 1 month process...involving many angry emails from him, followed by an apology email full of, "You don't know how I feel..." and "I want to think that you're a nice girl, but..." and "Remember back when we were happy?" stuff in there, begging me to meet with him to talk just "one more time"....because "just 5 minutes could solve everything."

Nice guy...just a little psycho...and stalkerish...

Wow, he had some major issues. I wouldn't even dream of behaving like this.

 

[Phantonym]

Wow, he had some major issues. I wouldn't even dream of behaving like this.

Major issues, I can agree with you on that. However, I can't really assure with 100% certainty that I wouldn't behave in a manner that raises some eyebrows. I would like to believe that I wouldn't behave like the gentleman in the previous post, some of the things seem a bit too much and I know that I would handle the situation in some other way. But I have done some questionable things during my super-unhealthy periods as well, so I can never really tell how I would behave when feeling pressured either by outside circumstances or by my own negative feelings.

 

[Skyward]

Wow, he had some major issues. I wouldn't even dream of behaving like this.

Ditto. Part of me was thinking: 'Could it be an unbalanced ENFJ instead? I have never heard of that kind of sick oddness in an INFJ.' The other part was shrugging, uncaring, and said: 'Well, it isn't me, thank GAWD.'


One thing that sucks when as an introvert that I refuse to actively try and fix the problem and rather let the other side initiate whatever could solve it. Trying to unburden myself with the responsibility of whatever the problem is, but not getting rid of the emotion.

 

[ilovereeses]

I think he was just so obsessed with me or the idea of being with me that he completely lost grip of reality.

And I know that most INFJs aren't insane (I know one who's a great friend), he's just a special case...

 

[mwv6r]

An unhealthy INFJ may have low self-esteem or avoidant personality disorder.

I definitely agree about the lack of boundaries. It's both a strength and a weakness. I feel other peoples' feelings very acutely. In a relationship I have trouble feeling happy unless my partner is happy. Left unchecked, this can pose problems with overdependence / neediness / etc.

 

[Sensitive_Mystro]

Ex. - INFJ helps all of their friends with their respective love problems, but feels completely alone in their own struggles with love and focuses on how no one seems to care or notice (there goes the victim card). But they also don't like to think negatively, so they give the situation a make-over be repainting themselves in the light of everyone's cupid in shining armor but each arrow that is shot drains a little of their life and they have no energy left for themselves.

Haha! It's crazy how much this describes me my Junior year of college. It always struck me as weird that none of my friends really ever asked me about dating and relationships, unless it concerned their own. Which is all the more odd considering that they all would preach how much they learned from being in a relationship, and there I was single for my entire college experience up to that point. And they were all very aware of this. I didn't realize until senior year that I had been doing so much of this that I hadn't really made enough time for myself to address romance. And when I finally started asking them why they never asked I realized it was mostly my fault that they never did.

 

[Billy]

An unhealthy INFJ may have low self-esteem or avoidant personality disorder.

I definitely agree about the lack of boundaries. It's both a strength and a weakness. I feel other peoples' feelings very acutely. In a relationship I have trouble feeling happy unless my partner is happy. Left unchecked, this can pose problems with overdependence / neediness / etc.

Same here... my feelings are so simplistic. If I am on my own and single, I dont really have many feelings.

When I am with someone though or around people boom chock full of their feelings. I am in a weird holding pattern right now though and I am not entirely sure how to feel. I am seeing a girl who I like, but shes a loner like I am so there is very little emotional energy being put in on her end I think and because my feelings need to be tied to someone elses feelings in order for me to recognize them I feel so nuuuuuuumb.

 

[groovejet02]

Unhealthy INFJs see negative connections and meanings that are not there. They think the world is conspiring against them.

I've seen my fair share of unhealthy INFJs, and boy are you quite the sight!

 

[revolve]

LOL That probably annoys a lot of people.

Well maybe not the crying part....


I have worked through most of this too....ummm some still apply, but working on it.

Why would anyone want an INFJ. sigh... LOL you get more than you bargain for.

my boyfriend was extremely unhealthy when i started seeing him . . . but just those little "glimpses" of his good infj parts were enough to keep me going. in other words, his "positive traits" / good stuff about him were things that i SO SO value & are so rare to find in a person (especially a guy) that i decided to give him the benefit of the doubt & "push through" . . . now he is much healthier but it is a daily struggle because health is quite unfamiliar to him. i'm constantly trying to "sell" him on being healthy (which may sound bizarre) but he really really gave up & lost himself. i don't want to get any more personal but he is completely worth all the time i waited for him. he is so special to me, so unique.

 

[Winds of Thor]

Eh, not necessarily. You can hold a grudge and not cut someone off. I find myself often revisiting arguments that have long past in the context of new and seemingly unrelated arguments.

What's pathetic is if an INFJ who is not that intelligent doorslams another while truly clueless to the real happenings around them/self-deceives oneself into a false 'reality' spewing details that are out of context and didn't happen then projects the details of their 'findings' onto another.

Garbage.

 

[Winds of Thor]

Unhealthy INFJs see negative connections and meanings that are not there. They think the world is conspiring against them.

I've seen my fair share of unhealthy INFJs, and boy are you quite the sight!

+3

 

[ItsAGuy]

An unhealthy INFJ doesn't have to go into martyr mode. Instead they can be very critical, temperamental, bossy, judgmental, dismissive, and uncaring. Quick to anger and when angered, may go on a rampage. Then cools off. Unhealthy INFJ is quite a sight to see.

I mean, not saying that like I've experienced it or anything...

In bold-italic, I disagree... I would argue that OVER-caring fuels all the rest. I get critical of little things because I care about how those little things add up to big things, as an example.

As for THIS INFJ, one easy unhealthy trend, due to our rare and difficult nature, is to end up with a overpowering sense of 'i don't know what's wrong with me, but something must be!' ... I don't think it is unique in INFJs, but do think they are particularly prone to it.

 

[streetlightfancy]

An unhealthy INFJ doesn't have to go into martyr mode. Instead they can be very critical, temperamental, bossy, judgmental, dismissive, and uncaring. Quick to anger and when angered, may go on a rampage. Then cools off. Unhealthy INFJ is quite a sight to see.

I mean, not saying that like I've experienced it or anything...

Sadly, you've just described me in many occasions. Definitely an accurate unhealthy INFJ description. It's not that I ever stop caring, but I become way too critical and frustrated to outwardly care. These episodes of anger are often followed by me crying my eyes out and feeling guilty.

 

[mochajava]

It's not easy being an INFJ, as you can see from this thread

 

[dhomuniqe]

Sheesh. This thread just makes me cry.

Wow this is Sooo true for me!!

 

[ItsAGuy]

An unhealthy INFJ doesn't have to go into martyr mode. Instead they can be very critical, temperamental, bossy, judgmental, dismissive, and uncaring. Quick to anger and when angered, may go on a rampage. Then cools off. Unhealthy INFJ is quite a sight to see.

I mean, not saying that like I've experienced it or anything...

I dunno, I dunno... I'm pretty sure I'm in an unhealthy mode right now. For a long time I was just detached. I ~am~ critical and judgmental when it comes to society's failings, environmentalism, etc... I even get weird when people don't refill the splenda jar or coffee water reservoir. But anger is rare for me, and it doesn't stick around for long at all. I've never been on a rampage. I do whine a bit when I've misplaced my keys. "wtf.... c'mon? they can't migrate on their own." This is probably not pleasant to overhear.

 

[Random Ness]

I would argue that OVER-caring fuels all the rest.

Indeed. It's the effort an unhealthy INFJ makes to make themselves and others think they don't care that fuels many of their bad traits.