In Flux

[proteanmix]

I like this definition of pragmatism:

Having or indicating an awareness of things as they really are.

I've been thinking about this lately and idealism is really taking it on the chin.

I like idealism in theory, but not in practice. It seems naive to me. Maybe I can merge idealism and pragmatism into some perfect personal philosophy of mind. I don't see much of a discrepancy between the two; I've always thought in order to move things to the way they "should" be you've got to recognize them as they are in order to map out the metamorphosis it must undergo. Never seeing things as they are for what they are forms no basis in my mind for what they could be. One fuels the other. It's like I'm not even seeing what's there.

Which leads me to my next train of thought.

When examining the intimate relationships in my life it's really hard to strip away all those hopes and expectations for positive change. Sad hard truth is the person may never change. Exactly as you met and know them may be as they are forever. It's so hard recognizing the ways that I need to change myself and wondering will I ever truly change them. Realistically, how many people really make those necessary positive changes in their lives and stick with them? I guess I'm doubting my ability to change in any meaningful way. I'm trying to reconcile what I know to be a fact with low chances of change and accepting it instead of fighting causing me and the people I love possibly irreparable damage.

Change is bidirectional. Implicit in change is movement and transformation. What directions does change move? Change is progression or regression. You can have negative progression or positive progression, positive regression or negative regression.

I've been feeling over the last few months who I am is warping. I'm feeling a greater chasm between the different sides of me. It kind of feels like they're splitting into their own distinct and unrelated and vastly different personas. I feel work me is becoming increasingly different from friend me vs home me vs random person on the street me vs forum me vs "hi, nice to meet you!" me. It's hard to explain and I'm still working through it.

I'm not saying none of these incarnations of me aren't genuine expressions of who I am, it's just that maybe I'm feeling the difference between the expressions more so than I have before. With my family situation being the way it is I'm going to greater lengths keeping things compartmentalized to prevent complete meltdown. Turning off and on feels increasingly unnatural. What I'm feeling inside is 75% of the time not what I'm expressing outwardly mostly it's nearly the complete opposite. I don't want to be that person.

Switching modes of me is slowing down and I'm resenting the need to even switch. What happens if I don't switch? I'm that person who is always talking about the troubles in her life, rolling around in my own problems having little care or concern for other people. I just know what that looks like and I can't stand people like that. I have never felt a need to maintain a consistent me throughout my life but something's happening now that makes me want to be more consistent. Thing is who and what the consistent Me looks like right now ain't pretty. She's wants to destroy, maim, and pillage. I just want to be that right now but I know that's not the way to be. When I am like that it causes so much confusion and anger.

 

[DigitalMethod]

I think if someone has enough passion to change, they can definitely change. Change quirks about them that is. Maybe even habits, behaviors. But I think there is still a sort of concrete core that does not change. I guess I would define the core as basically being the four MBTI letters.

Maybe you want to be more consistent because you want a relationship? Inconsistent behavior is not really a positive to have in a relationship. Maybe you want to be consistent because you want to find out who you really are.

Perhaps your split of personas is so that they are more defined to you, so that you can choose which one you are most comfortable, and which one you feel can be your consistent 'you'.

All just theories.

 

[professor goodstain]

I could be way off here, so i hope i don't put a stain on your blog. I think that when two first meet, those two are actually (to a degree) meeting the person that has been influenced by the person they were with before this first encounter.

If two people are finished with a relationship then move on, somewhere in the (moved on) part there is a solo reconcile that changes a person, maybe in a positive way maybe not, due to the influence of the previous relationship. When this slight reconciliatory change is positive dative of interest to both partys, the two more than likely will never enjoy it together due to God only knows what. When this slight reconsiliatory change is negative dative of interest to either party, they will likely be feuled by it and a form of manipulation will carry over to the next go around and the start of a cycle of confusion will brew.

i'm not sure if my train is on track with that but i hope it helps. i can't quite figure out a way to articulate it as to i'm commin off a go around that was quite confusing and i'm not sure if i was manipulated so much that it influenced my solo reconcile to change who i am.