[NT] Hurt feelings and NT's

[Spartacuss]

Would active questionning exacerbate it as well though? And I mean by that, asking how you would describe the feeling and how what I'm sensing is off, or what could be a logical explanation for why you are vibing that feeling while you're telling me I'm off. Coz I've had it happen that that triggers a sudden outburst of frustration and anger.

Active questioning could exacerbate the annoyance if it continues a line that suggests persistence in a rejected assessment. If it is clear that the assessment is self-serving - that is, that the feeler's assessment is partly based on a selfish desire for you to have the feeling they have assessed - it can be infuriating. For some reason, when I intuit the self-serving motive behind an assessment, such as claiming a moral high-ground or excusing certain behavior, it ticks me off more that they persist yet assume a clinical attitude while being driven by their own subjective desires in generating the assessment.

 

[Tallulah]

Active questioning could exacerbate the annoyance if it continues a line that suggests persistence in a rejected assessment. If it is clear that the assessment is self-serving - that is, that the feeler's assessment is partly based on a selfish desire for you to have the feeling they have assessed - it can be infuriating. For some reason, when I intuit the self-serving motive behind an assessment, such as claiming a moral high-ground or excusing certain behavior, it ticks me off more that they persist yet assume a clinical attitude while being driven by their own subjective desires in generating the assessment.

+ 1

Especially if the person in question is just trying to win the argument, not find out what's really true.

 

[Ishida]

In my case, it would not. If I felt the insult was inaccurate, I would be annoyed and it would reinforced the "I'm surrounded by idiots" attitude.

That's important to note. If you're just spewing a load of bull, you'll just make us not take anything you say seriously. Someone who barely knows you exclaiming "You're not very bright, are you?" because of social awkwardness leads to "Please." before hurt feelings. Though competence is the best way to go, I can attest. I can "burn" from insults, but usually if I get "hurt", it can only be done by myself.

 

[Amargith]

Active questioning could exacerbate the annoyance if it continues a line that suggests persistence in a rejected assessment. If it is clear that the assessment is self-serving - that is, that the feeler's assessment is partly based on a selfish desire for you to have the feeling they have assessed - it can be infuriating. For some reason, when I intuit the self-serving motive behind an assessment, such as claiming a moral high-ground or excusing certain behavior, it ticks me off more that they persist yet assume a clinical attitude while being driven by their own subjective desires in generating the assessment.

Mmm...for me its more of a 'where did I go wrong', and 'why did I perceive it this way' kinda feeling I have then and I wanna learn from it for the future , though the way in which I pose my questions might not be as well filtered as it would usually be as my Ne goes in overdrive at that point..which results in crudeness and trying desperately to relate..which can then be perceived as moral high ground or even come across as an accusation, I've noticed. So I guess that would explain the outbursts

 

[simulatedworld]

My feelings dont generally get hurt, and even if they did, I probably wouldnt recocgnize.

What feelings?

 

[Sunshine]

Oh pffft!
I doubt you set that up.

Actually he probably did set that up.

Props to him. Funny funny funny.

 

[Lateralus]

My sister called me cold-hearted today because I wouldn't acknowledge something about her childhood. I rolled my eyes.

 

[redacted]

Well, if we are going that route -- that's how I spent my entire first 30 years of life (and I'm not exaggerating), and I still spend a lot of time thinking about those things, I can't suppress that intensity of behavior, although I've eased up a great deal because I now trust my ability to deal without having to figure everyone out ahead of time.

Yes, I was extremely neurotic. Interesting, I WAS the same way as you describe, and it was a signifier for major issues in my life -- I had to appear rational all the time and was constantly downplaying, negating, or dismissing any emotions I felt, as part of protecting myself from dismissive people.

So I'm not sure whether I'm in agreement or disagreement with you on this. I do agree that often, habitual suppression/dismissal/disregard of emotions is a coping mechanism that reduces perceived vulnerability to external attack; however, there might be some other reasons in play as well... in addition to simply the differences between people.

I do think I will say that "T" people actually can live jovial, relaxed lives, enjoying the moment, not having to pick apart every little statement someone makes, have healthy and relaxed relational bonds with people, not always have to be critical, etc. We can show good and bad emotions in healthy ways, without always having to ignore or push them away.

IOW, we can be "balanced."

Agree completely. I must not have clearly explained my stance.

 

[Misty_Mountain_Rose]

Emotions are often not logical at all. They're there. They happen. Sometimes they come out of nowhere and have no apparent souce. They don't always make sense.

This is something I had to come to terms with a while back. I was hell-bent to make sense of the things I felt, and determined that I could 'reason' them away. Finally I realized that there was no logical basis, and that no amount of anger, ignoring the problem, tackling the problem head on, or any other coping mechanism I could come up with was going to make it go away.

I finally found peace with it when I just embraced it and let it have its way.

The emotion I was dealing with for the first time - was LOVE.


I laugh at the [INTJ = Robot] crap that rolls around. There may be some of them who say they don't feel anything, but they are probably not very healthy and should 'practice' trying to feel things the same way that a feeler should 'practice' not letting emotions lead them to irrational behavior.

Neither will succeed all the time, but learning and embracing your 'opposite' tendencies can only help you in the long run. In all things, balance.

/kung fu mentality off

I've always felt things very deeply as a 4w5 (of course, I didn't have a handy number at my beck and call all those years to help me explain it) but the one emotion that I denied and repressed was ANGER for a very long time. I grew up visiting my other parents house on weekends where there was LOTS of anger and (physical) fighting and I guess I learned subconsciously that anger was scary and that I had to control it at all costs.

I distinctly remember the day in our Kung Fu class when the instructor told us that we were going to use 'inner anger/rage' to project as much of it toward the focus mits that our partner was holding as we could. Why? Because in class, things stay very controlled and we are all friends. He wanted us to feel what it was like to see someone coming at us with the actual rage or emotion that they would have on the street so that we were prepared.

It took me half the class to allow myself to drop the restraint on my anger, and after class I went home and cried. But... since then it has been as if something was freed in me and I've been able to admit when I'm angry at the moment that I am angry, which was a huge step for me.

I still think though that T's are too much in their own worlds most of the time to get their feelings hurt by things that F's would, and it isn't necessarily that they're 'repressing' them, its that they aren't really registering with the same importance in the grand scheme of things.

 

[Lateralus]

If emotions seem illogical, that only means you don't understand them.

 

[Snowey1210]

I think it's a bit of misconception that NT's don't feel anything, in fact at times I can find my feelings quite overwhelming. Yes, I could play up being a hard nosed logistician all day and night, but I'd find that kind of existence ultimately very unfulfilling. Interestingly, it's the feeling side of things that surprises me about my SP friends. Love is bandied around as if it was an expected social response rather than an actual emotion.

I've no qualms in admitting I'm a bit of a romantic, and I do believe that love can exist (whether or not it is a chemical response set off by the brain is completely irrelevant). So there is no doubt in my mind that I can have hurt feelings, however the great ability of NT's to put these things into perspective helps soften the blow.

 

[Not_Me]

That's important to note. If you're just spewing a load of bull, you'll just make us not take anything you say seriously.

Case in point. The accusation was somewhat puzzling and somewhat annoying since you made it without elaboration and also because you use the pronoun "us", implying that you have been appointed spokesman for the forum. But I experienced no hurt feelings.

Someone who barely knows you exclaiming "You're not very bright, are you?" because of social awkwardness leads to "Please." before hurt feelings. Though competence is the best way to go, I can attest. I can "burn" from insults, but usually if I get "hurt", it can only be done by myself.

???

 

[Amargith]

Misty: enlightening post

 

[the soulless one]

Well, I'm easily hurt, especially by ethical types. When logical types get on my case, I tend to just argue and then it's the battle of the crudest and most logically savvy (I think I win most of the time :insert angel wings here: ).

I'm especially vulnerable to people who I respect and who hold some authority over me. With peers I give the robot stare. Otherwise there is a chance for me to actually be in tears.

I can be fairly sensitive but I try very hard not to show it, so being called insensitive (unless it is merited) can be hurtful while being called stupid mostly just bruises my pride.

 

[8lifeGREAT]

Hurt me by acting like you're onboard or "open" to transformative conversation, then shut me down like Rush Limbaugh on some moralism.

ENTPs identify with making a change and if you pretend to be open but just want to get us "out in the open" it can be quite jarring when you show your "true" self. Which with F's seems to change from moment to moment (to me.)

I recently had a girlfriend of my roommate do that very thing and then report back that I "had feelings" for her boyfriend. Fixed people drive me nuts! But this one wounded me suprisedly. I couldn't explain the concept of agape vs. romantic love. So now I hate her. Which is a rare event for me. She seems controlling to me.

 

[luminous beam]

I've noticed that those with their guards up intensely, once hurt, retract and push the person that's capable of getting to them away when unhealthy/scared to open up and recognize emotion as a part of every human being, including themselves.

 

[DigitalMethod]

Not close to me, not going to hurt my feelings.
Close to me, you can probably hurt my feelings but I won't show it.
Then of course if a close relationship goes negative, there is a point of hurt-level where I just... don't get hurt anymore and forget the past pain, apathy towards the individual entirely - that's what happens with me when someone close to me, just turns rude, starts acting like an enemy.

 

[bloodyfungus]

I think it is harder to get under the skin of an NT. I think in some cases, they just laugh it off as irrelevant (ie it registers but no offence is taken), or moreso like me, I missed the point entirely ("sorry dear, I wasn't quite listening")

To say that we don't have emotional feelings is wrong. I can remember on numerous occasions where an off-the-cuff remark has left me reeling for days. For instance, I like to think I'm quite fit and healthy, but a friend of a friend remarked "Oh I didn't think you went to the gym" and I took it very personally. My more "touchy-feely" friends didn't see the issue (funnily enough) but I kept harping on about it for days.

I think there are ways in. As a guide I'd say that you should bash NTs over the head with logic until they are smitten and then go for the F jugular

 

[Illict91]

As horrible as it sounds I quite thrive on conflict. It allows me to get into someone's skin and really understand their outlook on a given topic.
- Able to leave relationships without looking back
- Able to turn conflict situations into positive lessons
- Able to take constructive criticism well

Those three points strongly apply to me as an ENTJ. I can't really think of when I was truly hurt, the only time was when I was in a serious relationship with an ESTP (Trust issues with past lifestyles and all).

Does any NT have a bad habit of actually laughing or smiling when being called "horrible" names like, heartless or d**khead.

 

[norepinephrine]

Does any NT have a bad habit of actually laughing or smiling when being called "horrible" names like, heartless or d**khead.

Guilty. Once when a companion said "...if you weren't such a cold-hearted bitch.." I responded with "well, yes, but we've been over that" - causing him to burst out laughing.