[MENTION=18576]Sanjuro[/MENTION] Thanks for the questions
I'll answer them too
See what comes out of it.
I've recently re-thought my type--I've mistyped for about 15 years because I'm not a typical version of my type.
Out of curiosity; What did you mistype as and what's your real type?
Tracing behaviors only helps so much, because we often use the defenses of our wings, our connecting points, or another fix. Again, I don't really behave in half the ways my core type is supposed to. Also, I've observed that sometimes we've been conditioned to behave like one type, and it turns out there's another one underlying it. Because I recently went through this very thing, I'll pass along some advice.
That makes a lot of sense!
So the questionnaire...
- It helps to establish a "baseline mood"--when you're at home staring at the walls, where are you at mentally and emotionally? (For example, many 4s report that their baseline is "melancholy").
Staring at the walls, if that's to be taken literally, then I have an empty mind, no emotions either. It's actually a pretty good state for me, just staring at the wall thinking of nothing. My way of meditation really.
This is my default state too, calm state, no emotions, no nothing, not thinking of much, some fleeting thoughts here and there. Like some fleeting clouds on the sky. A bit of feeling of readiness.
- Where were you as a little kid? Was there any perception you remember having that you can't find any reason for?
I don't understand the "where".
I did have some interesting things/perceptions... I'm not really sure what this question is getting at. I'm going to mention some randomly remembered perceptions that I didn't quite find reasons for, they just simply "were" and I thought to myself at the time "oh interesting that it is this way / interesting that I feel this way / interesting that I see this like that".
My very first memory of myself at age 3, I wanted to play with a needle and when I was told it was dangerous I thought to myself I was perfectly able to handle that. My little kid friend wanted to marry later in life, I looked at him for a second and coldly and matter-of-factly thought to myself "we are not going to marry, we are just kids and later it's just not going to happen", then I said okay, why not; we were 6 year olds. My father would talk to me when I was 5, about some stuff and I thought to myself that this wasn't realistic stuff. I was surprised one day at around age 8 that a memory I recalled felt viscerally so much like it just happened the previous day and I decided to maintain and not forget these memories.
As for what I was like more generally, I was a loner pretty much though I was capable of feeling excited for friends, in this blissful way, free of any negative stuff that came later. So always had 1-2 friends here and there but still I wandered around a lot alone. I was the smartest kid in class but I had a terrible temper and could not be persuaded otherwise if I wanted something. I would fight kids as well for whatever I wanted or just out of anger, in elementary/middle school, I had a terrible manner interacting with them in general and naturally I was an "outcast" in school (in kindergarten I wasn't yet, I was just simply a loner there). Teachers I didn't respect either though I liked one of them with the same enthusiasm that I had for friends. I really didn't like to be a kid overall, I always wanted to be a grown up so I could be in control.
A few other things that just came to mind that seemed characteristic of me back then. I was still in kindergarten (5 years old) when I decided to hate my father after he beat up my sister for nothing. Hate without real emotions, on principle. I figured out some - of course really basic - math on my own in kindergarten, at 5-6 years old. I couldn't sleep when it was time for afternoon sleep in kindergarten so I thought up adventure stories instead. I would do drawings of stuff very well and in a very realistic way and looked down on kids who didn't manage to do it in a realistic way. At age 3, my mother came for me early to take me home (from "pre-kindergarten" thingie), surprise, I was so truly glad and enthusiastic, happy to see her! didn't care when she told me to say thanks to the nurse for letting me take a little cloth home.
- If you are very familiar with the enneagram, you can generally see yourself in the surrounding types--and if you pay attention, you should be able to see how both influence you all day long.
You mean wings of my supposed type? Supposed type is 7 or 8. I don't see the 6 much, I sometimes see something 9-ish though, it's when I just zone out and think of nothing and maybe this is what's meant by "being asleep". Well maybe that's not it but I associated it with 9 for some reason... I can also be lazy as fuck. Sometimes I am seen as mediator when people start a fight with each other.
- What is your super-ego always telling you? I read Maitri recently, and she suggests writing out a conversation between your id, ego, and super-ego. When I did so, my type became very obvious. Listen to the ways you think you "should" be, and the things you've done to live up to that image.
Lol interesting. I don't have a constantly active super-ego telling me "should". Sometimes yes, I think to myself, ok, I should get up and do this task, should do that task before deadline (...I brush this aside very easily). Less often I get the following; Should be more polite to people, talk to people more in a social way, say "hi" to everyone and don't be argumentative. Should open up and talk about issues to friends. Should be loving (...can't do it, block). Should detach from wanting things so much (no!). Should take responsibility for what I've done (bad things).
I am not sure where ego is in all that. I do see the id
I have not really done anything to live up to these things.
- What is your ego ideal? I mean, how would you ideally be if given the chance (you don't necessarily have to live up to it--I certainly fail at living up to mine, lol).
Being given the chance requires nothing short of a miracle* so I'm gonna pass on this one. (*: This is not enneagram related)
Alright, alright, I don't like to dream unnecessarily, but I would be very social in this intense expansive way and would be everywhere messing with everything doing shit. Influence on people, as much impact as possible.
Actually, maybe if given the chance I still wouldn't be like this but I have this one bit of snapshot of this in the back of my mind for some reason
- What pisses you off for others to observe in you? You should have some sort of ego reaction against people attacking your defenses and get angry or feel "hurt".
1st question - If they try to observe my motivations. Reaction: uh, just doesn't feel good? I'll probably protest
For the 2nd question - Uh it wasn't really an attack on my defenses but I recently got very angry over someone refusing something on the basis of personally not liking me enough. Guess it touched me on some point but I'm not sure if that's enneagram related. I just think these things should be decided impersonally. My reaction was telling him in a terribly honest way as to what I thought about all this, placing a lot of blame on him in the process as well. Telling him off as well, aiming to make him feel less "perfect" about his ways. (He's this idealistic I-know-it-all-and-will-support-you type)
I'm sorry maybe this isn't the sort of stuff the question was aimed at... couldn't think of anything better for example for "feeling hurt".
- What "felt sense" do you have of your childhood? Were you deprived? Wronged? Abandoned? If you're not sure, write a short autobiography and try to determine what you are upset about.
Deprived or Abandoned (not sure which): when I was a small kid, by my mother for periods (she was away traveling). My father not showing interest or not in a way I could notice. When I was not so small anymore, no such things.
Wronged: by my father, beating up us kids. By some stupid teachers/classes (as a whole class yes, no problem if it was just individual kids), in school, as small kid and as teenager too.
Other things I was upset about: not placing so good in one contest (alright I didn't prepare enough ;p). uhh whatever else, can't remember more now.
But really I was just upset about being a kid in general. Sometimes about being an "outcast" in school. (Someone else instead was seen as "leader".) Sure, sometimes by my father. By the fact that I was the youngest kid in the family.
I'm not upset about most of these things in retrospect. This all was such a long time ago. My father and I got okay later, much later. Still upsetting memory of some teachers/classes (see "wronged" section above) but I don't think of the past often.
I think that it was a result of all that, that I had the feeling I was left to deal with life on my own. I never thought of talking about problems with family or anything really or even getting truly involved in family life. Let alone school life etc. I think this is a good summary of "felt sense" in my childhood.
