forum self v real life

[Coriolis]

As to the anonymity thing, I tend to think of people on the other side of the keyboard as real people and it's no different than any other kind of social interaction. I'm not going to treat someone any differently because of what they can or can't do in retaliation for my bad behavior. That strikes me as just wrong and immature.

I think I am misunderstood more in this medium than in normal real life interactions. Some of it is probably because there is no body language nor ability to read facial expressions. I lose the ability to interpret how someone is reacting to what I'm saying or for them to see how I'm responding to them. I'm pretty good at relating to people one on one in face to face situations or over the phone as well - better than online I think.

I agree with the highlighted, and it has been my approach to forum interaction since I joined my first forum years ago. Just because you can get away with something doesn't mean you should, or that it is right to do.

I don't always know when I am mistunderstood, here or IRL, so I can't really compare on that count. I actually like not having to worry about nonverbal cues. People often get mine wrong, and I often don't know what to do with theirs, so this format makes things much simpler. Read my words, and I'll read yours. I usually do all right in face to face situations, but that may be more a function of the sorts of people I spend most of my time with. On the phone - not so much. That has to be my least favorite form of communication.

 

[highlander]

I agree with the highlighted, and it has been my approach to forum interaction since I joined my first forum years ago. Just because you can get away with something doesn't mean you should, or that it is right to do.

I don't always know when I am mistunderstood, here or IRL, so I can't really compare on that count. I actually like not having to worry about nonverbal cues. People often get mine wrong, and I often don't know what to do with theirs, so this format makes things much simpler. Read my words, and I'll read yours. I usually do all right in face to face situations, but that may be more a function of the sorts of people I spend most of my time with. On the phone - not so much. That has to be my least favorite form of communication.

Re bolded, that's a big difference between us because I'm hypersensitive to nonverbal and facial expressions. I wonder what is typical for INTJ. Maybe it has something to do with Enneagram 6 vs. 5. I think people get my nonverbal reactions wrong as well, especially if they don't know me, but I can make up for it generally because I can see how they are reacting and respond based on that. I'm very good with it one on one but not so good with groups of any size. That is, I can see the nonverbal reactions from all the different people, but I get a little overwhelmed with what to do with all that information in terms of adjusting my approach or what I'm saying whereas in one on one situations, it is easy and comes natural.

 

[Poki]

Until I get to know someone I am shy and keep to myself alot. Only those I know closely hear things along the lines that I speak on here. I live what I say mostly, not just speak what I think. I am very humble unless I know you, then you will see my cocky side come out playfully. I really don't want to believe my cocky side for some reason though. I am just very quiet and reserved until I get to know you, that's when I open up and end up more playful like I am on here.

I push away alot of people because I just really don't want to be around them. Not that I always think bad, I just don't force myself around someone that we don't have much in common. It's more personality and attitude in common then things common that I care about. My last girlfriend ended up as really close friends for years and we had almost nothing in common other then we joked and enjoyed each other's company. She we interested in things completely different then me.

I am boring to some and a rock to others. I don't make big deals out of little things and I can make a big deal small. For those who like to blow thing out of proportion I am boring, for those wanting to go through life and just tackle everything without all the drama I am a rock.

 

[boomslang]

The same.

 

[Proctor]

[MENTION=1180]whatever[/MENTION] It feels like you ripped open my head and sucked out all that delicious brain juice, because I was just about to post a thread on this topic.

I've read a bit on why people behave differently in real life and online. A big part of people acting like assholes seems to be a lack of self-awareness. They don't see the reaction of others and so forget that they're talking to thinking feeling human beings. This means they have no problem telling someone else to kill themselves or screaming racist slurs.

The more important question for me is whether being a jerk on the internet means you're an jerk in real life? Is self awareness and the lack of punishment the only thing keeping people from being assholes? If people didn't have to deal with consequences would we be living in a kind Mad Max society?

I know there are people online who are respectful and would treat others the same regardless of any anonymity, but there is such a torrent of assholes online. And you can see this on even the most intellectual and prestigious of communities. Maybe it's the vocal minority screech of intolerance and stupidity which blocks out the more reasoned voice of the majority, but it's hard to tell. I suppose there's the bigger question of whether we're our real selves when acting rationally, or whether the form we take when online or part of a crowd is the true revealer of humanity.

This thread reminds me of:

 

[Lark]

I had a thread years ago asking what it was about the relative anonymity of an internet forum that makes people feel free to act like total assholes and say things that they would never say in real life.

predictably, someone pointed out that people can't physically hurt them if they are an asshole on the internet

Given a few years more thought of how people appear online versus how they are in real life (and having met a couple of forum members a few times, most of whom rarely if ever post here anymore), I kind of think that it's not that simple. Some people are assholes online because nobody can beat them up over the internet (yet... I'm still waiting for that glorious day!), but other people behave differently in other manners. Some people may be kinder if they realize nobody is watching, and some may let loose and show a sense of humor and other people may be more open when they don't have to look people that they are telling in the eye every day.

How does the relative anonymity of an internet forum affect how people present themselves on here v in their every day lives?

That was years ago?! Just kidding, I dont remember it, I dont think.

I have been told that I appear a lot differently offline to online, by people I've met from two or three different forums, I dont get it though because I think I'm pretty consistent and definitely dont moderate my opinions any differently in person to online, definitely not when I'm pressed for it.

Although, I'll be honest that offline and online I'm trying to be more careful about what I share and when, there's always more people scheming, lying and plotting than you realise and what you share online or off can play into it or be exploited, I think of Thomas Moore saying repeatedly that he was silent, it didnt save him but knowing the story it was a good idea/approach/ethically astute, similarly the line from Rudyard Kipling's If (one of my favourite poems, yes, yes I know he was an imperialist, yes, I know he supported the UVF, I dont need to like the guy to like his writing) about seeing your words taken and twised by knaves to make traps for fools.

I dont know how successful I've been, its an extrovert thing.

 

[Lark]

As far back as Plato and the myth of invisibility cloaks or rings the idea was that without social inhibitors everyone would be abjectly wicked.

 

[Kas]

It probably depends a lot on the individual.

I think I'm myself in here. Although it's from my prespective, so who knows?

I can talk a little until I know people better, but I think it was clear during my first weeks in forum. Now it's more casual for me. Still I prefer face-to-face communication than posting and texting.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

IRL you would rarely hear my opinions or thoughts unless asked.

 

[Poki]

IRL you would rarely hear my opinions or thoughts unless asked.

Yeah, for me it's either we are really close and open or you ask.

 

[cascadeco]

IRL you would rarely hear my opinions or thoughts unless asked.

Same here.

------------

IRL, I'm probably more similar to my short responses in the forum.

My long responses would pretty much never happen IRL; mostly because I don't have the ability to analyze and verbalize in any detail in real-time. So real-life is much more my being quiet or slowly saying something, but in a very condensed format.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I think people who are close to me would recognize my personality here as "me". They may be surprised by some of my opinions or experiences I relate. I do hold more back in person for at least 2 reasons:

- Different audiences brings different levels of understanding - I bring up certain things in, say, an INFP forum that I would not discuss in a different kind of forum or in person because I have an inkling of who is open to discussing it or not. I also expect misunderstanding more from certain people, so I may not bother to reveal certain things to them. In person, relationships can be damaged from misunderstandings, but frankly, I care less about online relationships. This is not about indifference to offending people, but if someone misunderstands me and judges me for it online - so what? In person, this can cause more damage, even if it is not fair. I honestly do not think this is necessarily healthier either, as there is a big gray area between excessive candidness without concern for effect and severely editing yourself because others are narrow-minded.

- Monologuing works better in a written form, as people can choose to skip over it or read and digest it, and then respond if so inclined. In person, I have been shut down by those close to me, so I do not attempt to go off on my philosophical speeches much. See finding the right audience, above.
Since my thoughts/ideas are not well-expressed (or understood) in shorter forms, then writing is a better outlet, and online posting works for that since letter and even email writing has all but disappeared. I know some people start blogs, but I am not seeking to make a business of my thoughts.

There are things I hold back online also. I don't openly discuss a lot of my personal philosophies and spiritual beliefs, which I do far more in person with certain people who I don't think will attack me. I quip and banter more in person, because it is in real time, but then I must have the right company for that too. I am more empathetic online, because I can express it there, although there are some outlets in reality which allow my brand of empathy to come through. There is not a fear of appearing to care, but I just do not do the whole verbal comfort in a syrupy voice thing, but instead I try and dissect and solve the emotional puzzle. This is a lot "messier" and requires more than a passing extension of good intention. After I empathize with someone, they may even dislike me for a bit, because they tend to feel too vulnerable. It works better if there is some natural distance between us, aka they are a relative stranger online. I guess this is why some INFPs become psychotherapists .

However, I am pretty sure I have the same "voice", as far as personality. I have even had people from one forum come across me on another (using a different name) and be able to tell who I was because my writing style is the same. It is pretty much just my inner voice, and there is less of it in person because I am quiet, but it's the same "tone" (perhaps less formal, as speaking tends to be more casual).

 

[Qlip]

I think the primary difference between me here and me irl is that there are different people here than irl. People that don't quite act the way people tend to act irl, and I respond differently.

 

[prplchknz]

my thoughts are the same but i think how i appear is different. maybe i dunno i feel more free here but not completely. i still feel judged but not as much because i can't see you and you can't see me, it's like we're playing peek-a-boo and it actually works.

 

[Pinker85]

Pretty much the same, I think I come off more aggressive in RL though

 

[Duffy]

You open yourself to a gamut of trolly asshole behavior, yes. But this level of freedom also brings forth lots of honest discussion and idiosyncratic thought as well.

People describe me as less playful in real life. That's just general introversion, imo.

 

[Neshama]

Pretty much the same, I think I come off more aggressive in RL though

Hmm I think I come off as being more aggressive, or at least more serious, online, because I can't pick up on emotions and body language through a computer screen so my Fe can't do its job as well.

 

[Yama]

Hmm I think I come off as being more aggressive, or at least more serious, online, because I can't pick up on emotions and body language through a computer screen so my Fe can't do its job as well.

I also said something similar about being more serious on the forum and more playful irl. Maybe it's a Fe/Fi thing.

 

[Little_Sticks]

More careful about what I say on forums; but also more willing to be personally open. I don't share anything revealing about my motivations or personal life to anyone in person, as I might on here. I wear bland clothes and paint a picture of a bland and boring person just so that people leave me alone to do the things I enjoy. But I am pretty forthright and honest in person, whereas on forums I feel like I need to be a little more careful about what I say and how I say it because of the diversity of readers and how easily someone can interpret something negatively.

I think a part of me knows I'm not normal and hides it. But I don't really need to online. No one knows who I am and no one can persecute me for being different.

 

[á´…eparted]

You know, the purpose of this thread wasn't to point how how each of us was different vs. the same. Anyway, when in Rome.

It's funny to hear so many people say they talk less and share their opinion in person less. I share mine more in person. My friends family and coworkers joke that there "isn't anything that Hard doesn't have an opinion on, and he never comes up for air!". I'd spend too much time on the forums if I said everything I wanted to, and write a ton more.

I'm also a lot less harsh in person, but no less aggressive. Other than that I am basically the same. [MENTION=4945]EJCC[/MENTION] and [MENTION=19948]Showbread[/MENTION] confirmed. They can speak for themselves but they're largely the same too, though I'd say Showbread is more chatty in person than on here.