KLessard
Aspiring Troens Ridder
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2008
- Messages
- 595
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 1w2
I was in a romantic relationship once with an NF who idealised me. No one had ever done that to me before and it felt delicious at the time but I'm sorry, I disagree that it was a “great honour”. His idealisation of me was completely selfish. My alarm bells were ringing from the beginning but I ignored them because the emotions in the present moment felt so good. He wanted to marry me straight away but thank goodness I didn't let him sweep me up that far. I think part of the problem may have been I did not idealise him and called him on inappropriate behaviour and he couldn't handle the responsibility of treating me with proper respect, I think because it made him feel too bad about himself – all of which was exaggerated to high drama in his mind. He broke up with me after playing havoc with my emotions. He even had the nerve to discuss his whole “does the perfect partner exist? Maybe not, etc.” with me. He used me and wasted my time and energy as well as hurting me a lot because I let him hook my emotions. It was no honour.
I understand that you just want to explain the NF point of view and point out a certain fault in it but please do not tell yourself and other NFs and the people who've been idealised by NFs that it isn't so bad because the NF saw something wonderful in you. That is the opposite of love, that is self-contained self-gratification. The idealised person is turned into an object to be consumed. And the good I have in me, I let him have but he didn't deserve it.
I'm not saying you are as extreme as the NF I was in a relationship with. But it can go that far if the NF is very unhealthy and as a general warning to everyone, I want to say that it's something to be very wary of if you feel it might be happening to you.
I'm sorry about what happened there. I also think it was awful of that NF to have the "there's no perfect partner" talk with you.
In my case, the idealisation is never romantic, the role models are generally artistic collaborators or friends, and I sure hope I have never hurt any of them in that way. I am aware that I might have puzzled some of them in the process, though. Then again, forgive me. I want to change.
By the way, I see romantic relationships as such a high responsibility, and something too serious and close to the floor to deal with it in idealistic terms.