[ENFP] ENFPs accidentally offending people?

[Twixt]

Whoops sorry I meant "Because it seems ENFPs (or at least I) have a tendency to offend people if not careful."

 

[ragashree]

My niece (an ENFP if I ever met one) is certainly inclined to open her mouth without thinking at the slightest provocation, and can end up coming out with some pretty strange things as a result. I've rarely been offended by it or heard of anyone else being, however, and I think this is largely because her personality tends to lead people to expect her to do something of the sort. She appears (and I appreciate this may be a false impression) to do a great deal of her thinking aloud, and to almost need to bounce certain things back off other people and get their input before she appreciates their true significance. The look that comes over her face when she belatedly realises that that might not have been the ideal thing to say at that particular moment is almost comically sorrowful and makes her pretty easy to forgive unless it was something particularly awful. Which to be honest, it very rarely is. She probably also gets away with a lot by having her cute, wackily childlike personality and being a ridiculously pretty seventeen-year old, but that's another story.

The one time I have heard of her really upsetting someone by speaking without thinking is when her sister attempted to talk to her about "boyfriend" issues a few times, that being what sisters are there for, right? Wrong. And after a lot of complaints from the other neice about sisterly insensitivity she seemed doubtful whether she was going to broach the subject with her ever again - at least not for a long, long time.

I do wonder whether this sort of issue might be the danger for ENFP's, actually. It's easy to let it pass in everyday conversation, and frequently very entertaining when a person who is actually very charming and likeable (i.e. almost all ENFP's!) comes out with an off the cuff remark that seems inappropriate or surreal. But when deeper personal feelings are at stake people need to know that they are being respected and valued. If someone is talking about something that matters deeply to them, and you want to show you care and value THEM, it is probably best to curb your own tongue and speak only when you're sure you understand and after due reflection. I certainly wouldn't blame anyone for wanting to keep the conversation at a fairly superficial level if they'd felt that their feelings had been devalued in the past - or if they percieved (rightly or wrongly) that you were just not the sort of person it was "safe" to talk to about personal issues. And that has nothing to do with whether people like you or enjoy your company. I think ENFP's usually are very enjoyable people to be around, at least those I've known, and someone would have to be a real grouch, or have problems of their own to take offense where none was intended. But if you are spending too much time reacting instantly with that undiscriminating "N", and not enough developing your reflective and sensitive inner "F", I suspect you are nevertheless going to experience more than a few problems in close relationships. There's a time for everything, and a big conflict between being the life and soul of the party and being empathic and sensitive (I personally think ENFP's can be equally good at both if they choose).

 

[Lady_X]

Truthful with another truth system than the subject is likely to hold, too.

that makes sense right...didn't mean to imply we're more truthful...i think it comes from that instant realization of feeling...i'm too new to this to have any idea how to state that...but yeah

 

[Wild horses]

I must admit that I have upset people on occasion when I speak before I think ESPECIALLY when I have turned on the 'silly switch'... I think that ENFPS usually bounce ideas off people becuase we learn that way (Te). We like to improvise and come up with some of our best and most creative ideas on the spot. We can sometimes view converstaions as brainstorming doodles and forget that others may take such conversations more seriously than we do. However, there is definately the capability within every ENFP to be sensitive to those around them. This is usually displayed when we are having conversations that we deem to be serious.

 

[Lady_X]

^^ right ...brainstorming is absolutely accurate...people tend to think we're more attached to what we're saying then that i think...sometimes we're just throwing ideas out there as we have them...like when discussing business ideas or something...you might get 5 versions that all sound pretty well thought out but they're not necessarily...

which has nothing to do with the op...so sorry...

 

[Twixt]

But if you are spending too much time reacting instantly with that undiscriminating "N", and not enough developing your reflective and sensitive inner "F", I suspect you are nevertheless going to experience more than a few problems in close relationships. There's a time for everything, and a big conflict between being the life and soul of the party and being empathic and sensitive (I personally think ENFP's can be equally good at both if they choose).

Agree, point noted, thanks!

I must admit that I have upset people on occasion when I speak before I think ESPECIALLY when I have turned on the 'silly switch'... I think that ENFPS usually bounce ideas off people becuase we learn that way (Te).

Yeah, dang that Te, haha I really do enjoy talking with other people, bouncing ideas off them and getting their feedback on it (constructive criticism ).

One specifically tends to make big assumptions about what you are thinking or what you are about to say, and then does a big rant reacting to what she thinks you are saying. She has tried putting words in my mouth on several occasions, followed by a semi-stuck up "well guess what, you're wrong!" type mouthing off speach. She is completely wrong about what I was going to say or what I was thinking every time, so I just say "No." and walk away laughing.

It's not that she doesn't think through things, it's that she talks and thinks before she has gathered all, or sometimes even any information. It's kind of frustrating, she is one of the people I talk to on a daily basis (we have classes together) we're we completely misunderstand eachother constantly

That is what I try to constantly guard against. It seems so easy to jump to conclusions but i've found slowing down and asking the person more questions to get a more accurate feel of the situation REALLY helps.

I think I can get overbearing with 'silly switch' on - I talk too much, too fast. I'm guessing other people experience this, right? Hearing from non-ENFPs would be helpful in this area... Introverts, especially, I think are possibly more inclined to be tired out / totally annoyed by me when I'm in rapid-fire speech mode.

I really HATE when this happens because I generally love introverts and CAN'T STAND knowing/suspecting that I've annoyed, offended, or even worse, hurt them in any way. I don't really know how to fix it because even if i apologise, i worry that they'll just forgive on a surface level, but record this info somewhere in their mental file about me. Of course, never with mean intentions, but for their personal 'safety'. Which i can totally understand and relate to. So that would mean they trust me less. Sigh but i guess... um, that can't be helped? They deserve to make critical analyses of me anyway, definitely.

Mostly it happens when the 'silly switch' is flipped - which is, more often than not, flipped because I've gotten quite tired of stifling/censoring myself. And when I get bored or tired of the crazy mode, or (this is usually the case) when my sense/brain catches up with me, I revert to the more serious, business-y, think-y mode, in which I generally rather carefully THINK THROUGH all my words and actions before anything. This can tire me out quite a bit (thus triggering a change back to the wacky mode, so on and so forth). When I think through everything I get quite quiet because I'm filtering everything and don't have time to speak. Or, after everything i might have said has gone thru the filter, I have little or nothing left to actually say out loud.

 

[Lady_X]

Mostly it happens when the 'silly switch' is flipped - which is, more often than not, flipped because I've gotten quite tired of stifling/censoring myself. And when I get bored or tired of the crazy mode, or (this is usually the case) when my sense/brain catches up with me, I revert to the more serious, business-y, think-y mode, in which I generally rather carefully THINK THROUGH all my words and actions before anything. This can tire me out quite a bit (thus triggering a change back to the wacky mode, so on and so forth). When I think through everything I get quite quiet because I'm filtering everything and don't have time to speak. Or, after everything i might have said has gone thru the filter, I have little or nothing left to actually say out loud.

wow...yeah...that's exactly what happens when i get quiet...haha...i think wow there's no way i can actually say any of this out loud...ha...we are freaks! how funny
wait?? did that offend you...haha

 

[Amargith]

I dunno about other ENFP's but I also tend to blurt out things when put on the spot. Put a lot of pressure on me with direct questions where the answer just isn't that easy to give and you will get some uncensored remarks and responses from me. Unfortunately, I've noticed, those do a lot of damage with the wrong person (and it is usually those people that are pressuring me, others know better), since I wasn't able to formulate them properly. (This also happens when the other person does something that I am so surprised and flabbergasted by that the words leave my mouth before I get a chance to consider them)

I hate it, but it's just because they do not give me the room to breathe and think. It's like having a gigantic amount of opinions and ideas in you head and you are forced to let them all out at the same time in one sentence because someone doesn't give you the time to organize it all.


Just my two cents
Amargith

 

[Lady_X]

yes...the worst is when someone asks you to psychoanalyze something they've done...you know...innocent enough question like....i wonder why i always....and for some reason...you just blurt out a very honest unbiased response...in a non judging but possibly brutal way...and where does that even come from...because it's not like i sit there and conscientiously analyze people but if asked directly... an answer will come out that sounds like i've thought about it for a long time and couldn't keep it in anymore...but that's not true

 

[Jae Rae]

Just had coffee with an ENFP friend; she's intuitive, sensitive and gives great advice and reading suggestions. I was telling her a story about a friend of mine whom she doesn't know and when I was finished she said "You know if you didn't have R, your stories would be a lot more boring."

Wow!

I said "Gee, thanks a lot. Ouch!" She apologized and said it came out wrong, she hadn't meant it that way. This is the first time I've experienced this kind of thing with her. But it does make me wonder if I should be busy the next time she wants to get together.

 

[Clownmaster]

But it does make me wonder if I should be busy the next time she wants to get together.

If you want to prolong her worrying about if she really offended you that deeply, go ahead. I know if I had offended someone I cared for (in a friend sense), I'd want to make amends clearly as soon as possible.

 

[Lady_X]

^^^ wow...it did...it wasn't funny to you??
see...i think that's funny...i would say something like that too...hmmm

eta: that was for jae rae

 

[Jack Flak]

ENFPs FTW, naturally.

 

[Wild horses]

Whoops I can imagine saying something similar to Jae Rae's friedn too! And I would have taken Jae Rae's reaction as mock offense and carried on the joke. LOL!!

 

[Nighthawk]

Actually, I find ENFPs to be quite charming. I find my own type (INTP) offends people far more.

 

[Amargith]

Just had coffee with an ENFP friend; she's intuitive, sensitive and gives great advice and reading suggestions. I was telling her a story about a friend of mine whom she doesn't know and when I was finished she said "You know if you didn't have R, your stories would be a lot more boring."

Wow!

I said "Gee, thanks a lot. Ouch!" She apologized and said it came out wrong, she hadn't meant it that way. This is the first time I've experienced this kind of thing with her. But it does make me wonder if I should be busy the next time she wants to get together.

She probably meant to joke about it and imply that its awesome to have such an interesting friend. She probably wouldn't mind meeting him She didn't mean for that to reflect poorly somehow on you.

That's at least why I would blurt out something like that *grin*

 

[Wild horses]

Yea I had the same take on the meaning behind what was said. It certainly wouldn't have been meant personally!