[ENFJ] ENFJ's and emotional needs?

[Clonester]

I love that ENFJ's have a big dark streak.

 

[jtanSis1]

even small asterix that has this to say about it. 'darkside might be dangerous, but someone's got to deal with it so can help others who are too afraid of theirs.'

 

[Afkan]

So Thank you for the advice. ...many thanks

Wow, even though your friend tested closer to INTP, those interpersonal dynamics sound so much like an INFP friend of mine & I's.

My INFP friend is very quiet around me at times. I've found that my extroversion and energy esp in groups leads to her silence later in 1 to 1 interactions. Also, I tend to wear on her, w/ my constant nags to express her feelings. I really struggle w/ her lack of facial expressions too, but she clams up when I encourage her to ...be more like me. It just isn't her.

I continually have to fight wanting to "help" this gal "self-actualize," bc I am really trying to "make" her evolve into something completely and entirely different. She knows it, and she resists it. It really hurts her feelings.

However, in the early stage of our friendship things went like this:

Smooth from the beginning, warm fuzzies everywhere. A lot of supporting each other, sharing beliefs and values, wonderment and pleasure at the mutual desire to be unique and genuine.

 

[Scott N Denver]

Wow, even though your friend tested closer to INTP, those interpersonal dynamics sound so much like an INFP friend of mine & I's.

My INFP friend is very quiet around me at times. I've found that my extroversion and energy esp in groups leads to her silence later in 1 to 1 interactions. Also, I tend to wear on her, w/ my constant nags to express her feelings. I really struggle w/ her lack of facial expressions too, but she clams up when I encourage her to ...be more like me. It just isn't her.

I continually have to fight wanting to "help" this gal "self-actualize," bc I am really trying to "make" her evolve into something completely and entirely different. She knows it, and she resists it. It really hurts her feelings.

However, in the early stage of our friendship things went like this:

Smooth from the beginning, warm fuzzies everywhere. A lot of supporting each other, sharing beliefs and values, wonderment and pleasure at the mutual desire to be unique and genuine.

to push something to an extreme for ths purpose of better explaining it, I think INFP's are definitely far more "live and let live" and can just allow people to be as they are, whereas ENFJ's CAN [as in sometimes, NOT as in always] push people to be more E, F, and J. As if we all need to be really expressive and "put it out there" and be declarative [E and J]. As if there is only one way to do things.

I'm curious, how do ENFJ's tend to deal with I_TJ's and I_TP's??? If you think us INFP's are undemonstrative and not emotionally-expressive, try those types...

Maybe ENFJ's just aren't dumb enough to go into fields generally populated by I_T_'s, and therefore avoid the issue???

 

[Afkan]

to push something to an extreme for ths purpose of better explaining it, I think INFP's are definitely far more "live and let live" and can just allow people to be as they are, whereas ENFJ's CAN [as in sometimes, NOT as in always] push people to be more E, F, and J. As if we all need to be really expressive and "put it out there" and be declarative [E and J]. As if there is only one way to do things.

Right. In my ancient old age and wisdom, I am realizing that - OMIGOSH- there IS more than one way to do things!!!!! Shocking!!!!! hahaha....

I'm curious, how do ENFJ's tend to deal with I_TJ's and I_TP's??? If you think us INFP's are undemonstrative and not emotionally-expressive, try those types...

Eh...INTPs, after lots of arm bending and soothing, become excellent conversationalists. Plenty of amazing, fascinating discussions. Just not in a group. I can "get" that, like I can clearly see INTPs have a distinctly different path of actualization...maybe INFPs and I are too similar?

ISTPs... I dunno, are they really interested in conversation? Not in my experience...Lots of other things I can think of that would interest them though...that wouldn't necessarily interest me.

INTJs, Im not so good with. And I haven't needed to find a way of interacting w/ them. My fave option: Humor.
Example: At a park, sited someone holding a dog sitting in a playground, surrounded by children excited to see the dog, and said to an INTJ sitting nearby who looked uncomfortable with the social festivities with a slightly religious undertone:
"Look! He looks like Jesus!"

ISTJs: Tease them relentlessly about their self-assumed intellectual superiority. Only male ISTJs- bc of the traditional gender roles they hold so dear.

Maybe ENFJ's just aren't dumb enough to go into fields generally populated by I_T_'s, and therefore avoid the issue???

haha...don't know about that.

 

[Domino]

Scott -

My primary job was being a mechanic, so I was surrounded by mostly SJs and SPs, but there was the occasional NT (and even more oddly, two other INFJs - one as my friend, one as my foreman) and I think they were considered, as I was, to be in an unorthodox pursuit, even though we all liked fixing things.

As far as treading into I_T_ territory, I found it liberating on a certain level to be dealing with machines that had no life or personal problems, even though I tended to humanize the machines anyway and give them feelings/personality/etc. (We had one Detroit diesel that had attempted to kill people several times, and was deemed 'psychotic'... lol) The other NTs wouldn't necessarily do this, but they'd play along with my flight of fancy and make silly comments. In my robotics lab, all the robots had pet names stuck to the front in shiny letters (and I didn't do it! lol). Anthropomorphizing?

I tended to have, as I said, a majority of SPs and SJs around me due to the nature of our work, but that was okay, and very enlightening in many instances. I palled about with an ISFJ male (who was a hellraiser) and an ISTP (also a hellraiser only QUIETLY), and over lunch one afternoon, ISFJ and I realized to our sudden mutual surprise that we were both reading the same book about hyperspace/string theory.

I don't believe I try to change people. I just want to see what happens when I push this or that button. If someone is provoking me to think outside my mental box, I'd like to believe I'm returning the favor.

 

[Afkan]

I don't believe I try to change people. I just want to see what happens when I push this or that button. If someone is provoking me to think outside my mental box, I'd like to believe I'm returning the favor.

Agreed...I don't mean or want to change ppl either...I see ppl as so exciting, each one so individual and unique, like intricately complex, beautiful colors with infinite options on a beautiful color palette...

I've come to understand lately, however, that's sometimes how I make them feel.

I am a firm believer of inspiring and motivating...the problem is, sometimes I am too pushy and I can't tell I am being too pushy...especially if I can't read it in the other person's body language.

 

[Domino]

Scenario:

Me: [push]
Person: Stop that.
Me: [pushnudge]
Person: You better quit that!
Me: [pushnudgepinch]
Person: Do that again and I'm telling!
Me: [pushnudgepinchpushpushpushypusherkins]
Person: Oh all right! I'll marry you!

Ta da!!

 

[Tikka]

Yeah, and then you make sure you get pregnant from him so he'll stay with you forevah.

 

[OrangeAppled]

However, in the early stage of our friendship things went like this:

Smooth from the beginning, warm fuzzies everywhere. A lot of supporting each other, sharing beliefs and values, wonderment and pleasure at the mutual desire to be unique and genuine.

Interesting....INFPs tend to warm up over time. I wonder if her clamming up is because she lost a sense of safety. If you push someone to be different, it might send the signal that you don't like them as-is, which would probably make an INFP withdraw.

 

[Domino]

Yeah, and then you make sure you get pregnant from him so he'll stay with you forevah.

HAHAHAHAA, .... yiiiiiiikes.

I just take his pants. Marry me, or NO PANTS, mister!! (That never works, of course, because I attract pervy weird NTP/STPs who'd walk outside without pants on anyway...)

I've been distracted by tasty cookies though, so any forced marriage plans will have to wait.

 

[Neutralpov]

Afkan please talk more!

Wow, even though your friend tested closer to INTP, those interpersonal dynamics sound so much like an INFP friend of mine & I's.

My INFP friend is very quiet around me at times. I've found that my extroversion and energy esp in groups leads to her silence later in 1 to 1 interactions. Also, I tend to wear on her, w/ my constant nags to express her feelings. I really struggle w/ her lack of facial expressions too, but she clams up when I encourage her to ...be more like me. It just isn't her.

I continually have to fight wanting to "help" this gal "self-actualize," bc I am really trying to "make" her evolve into something completely and entirely different. She knows it, and she resists it. It really hurts her feelings.

However, in the early stage of our friendship things went like this:

Smooth from the beginning, warm fuzzies everywhere. A lot of supporting each other, sharing beliefs and values, wonderment and pleasure at the mutual desire to be unique and genuine.

So what is the result for you and this INFP friendship? are you close friends or do you think it just won't work?

Thanks I think I need to not change people more! haha

And please explain this dark streak? I agreeeeeee. but I need to understand how you guys perceive it or manage it so I can get some good perspective and insight!

Good news Update: The INTP has made a rather noticeable effort to call and text and email. I got a sweet email and other friends noticed it too in her and say she has sent sweet emails lately. She even asked if we could go see a band together she thought we both might like (so thoughtful!). Nicely done but I am skeptical that this can be kept up...it is nice for now.

 

[Domino]

I've been pretty upset lately, not entirely sure why, though there are many reasons.

Just last night, I did the "dead silence" thing. I haven't done that in a while. My stress just blew all the fuses out and there was darkness. My sister patted me a lot quietly, and attempted to carefully dig me out.

She knew something was wrong with me before I did.

 

[JocktheMotie]

I've been pretty upset lately, not entirely sure why, though there are many reasons.

Just last night, I did the "dead silence" thing. I haven't done that in a while. My stress just blew all the fuses out and there was darkness. My sister patted me a lot quietly, and attempted to carefully dig me out.

She knew something was wrong with me before I did.

In terms of needs, is it better to try to pry something upsetting out of you, or better to wait until you bring it up yourself?

 

[Domino]

In terms of needs, is it better to try to pry something upsetting out of you, or better to wait until you bring it up yourself?

In general, it's best to let me process. My sister, the ENFP that she is, is alerted to my submergence earlier than most, and I don't resent her when she tries to see if I'm all right. Usually, she leaves me alone, or she'll just pat me and let me lay on her shoulder in silence.

If my feelings have been mangled, it's best to not push me or I just go further underground. It's usually over matters of importance, not just a bad mood, that shut me up and take all the fire out of me. My sister gets concerned because she's aware of this.

I attempted to be conversational, but it wasn't working. She sees through me. And darned if I can conceal myself. It's mortifying that I can't hide when something is torturing me.

 

[Thursday]

Agreed with Pink - Let me handle it - and the silence on the shoulder/lap is exactly what I need, if anything from anyone else

 

[Domino]

Agreed with Pink - Let me handle it - and the silence on the shoulder/lap is exactly what I need, if anything from anyone else

Sometimes it's just too much to speak, you know?

 

[Thursday]

Sometimes it's just too much to speak, you know?

Yes - I go into "Enjoy the Silence" mode daily
I go inside and live in the infinite volatile world of my soul
Where all the things that are not said run free - quite humid in there

 

[Domino]

It's like living inside a storm.

 

[Thursday]

It's like living inside a storm.

I find it necessary
What aboot you?