[ENFJ] ENFJ and INFJ Relationships - How to Love Them

[nynesneg]

nynesneg, I wonder if your teammate is so drained from the demanding project schedule and interacting at school, that is why she is being so reclusive.

Yes... I could understand that. BUT she is always taking on more things, I almost think she likes making projects harder than they are and stressing out. It sounds weird but bear with me.

Working on a project together and all this end of term work... Out of the blue she now wants to write a whole other 15 page term project paper by herself on top of what we already have going! This time of the school year is not when you want to do a 4 month project paper all by yourself.

I'm sorry she wasn't more supportive of you during your recent hard time, but sometimes we can't even simply listen without getting invested and drawn into your emotion. For her it might have been just too much.

I completely understand. As an NF, I often end up a listener/healer myself. I'm not unhappy with her. Just felt like it was a missed opportunity to get close to this person which I wish could have been possible. I got over the breakup within a couple weeks (that was two months ago), so am my perky happy self now.

Another thing, if you come off as petty, like mocking other people, spreading rumors, she might think you aren't trustworthy with her personal info and my edit what she shares with you.

Right... I would feel the same way. Our mutual ESFP friend can come across as petty and gossipy at times but that's not how I operate at all. I guess I'm trying to invest energy in getting to know my INFJ friend because I see all kinds of areas where we could relate... and are both so loyal and have the inner depth that I'd love to be able to get to know her as a friend. I think we could have all kinds of conversations. She just seems to block everybody out and automatically assume they think she's inferior. She has been through some abusive relationships. So is there someone here with experience in this that could give me advice?

What about starting off the relationship through correspondence? Would that be too odd? I mean emailing her/social network msg (if shes into it) instead of phone calls. Then she could process you on her time, not have to react instantaneously like on the phone or in person off-campus and she may open up in kind. Just some ideas. Hope they help.

This is a very interesting recommendation... Would it still be appropriate even though we work together on a daily basis on team projects? I try to text her sometimes but I don't think she's comfortable with that mode of communication and at times completely misreads what i'm trying to say.


The difficulty I'm finding with her is that she automatically assumes the worse in any little piece of our conversation. Not like there's any history where she'd get this from, but she assumes the worst imaginable motives and thoughts for the opposite person. Is it just completely beyond her mental realm of possibility that I actually care about her enjoying herself and am not out to attack her?


I'm grasping for logic and answers here... I want to better understand...



But I don't want to derail this thread, maybe I should discuss this elsewhere.

 

[bcvcdc]

The difficulty I'm finding with her is that she automatically assumes the worse in any little piece of our conversation. Not like there's any history where she'd get this from

oh no, not at all. :rolli:

 

[Vasilisa]

Not sure about a lot of her motivations. But since you mention she has some trauma in her past I wonder if she takes on all that work in order to keep herself from contemplating her mental pain and feeling depressed. And perhaps that could explain why she acts aloof and seems distrusting. I know that I have been viewed as "stand-offish" by people who didn't realize I was going through a sad time. Sometimes just being what people assume you are is just easier. Again, I really can't say about your teammate. I could be way off base and maybe shes just one big stress ball from all her work and that's why shes not warming up to you.

I admire you for not writing her off, though. If she knew, too, how truly interesting you found her and that you see something there worth working towards maybe she would let down her guard. If there is a way to do the correspondence thing without it being weird, give it a try. I don't know, I used to write big long notes to my friends I would see every day in high school and pass it to them first thing in the morning, but obviously thats a bit of a different scenario.

 

[DJAchtundvierzig]

Here are my tips for the Proper Care of Your INFJ if you are in a romantic relationship with us.

1. Your INFJ adores you more than they can express with words. Even if they don’t tell you verbally, they will show you how they feel through their patience, kindness, and willingness to please you.

2. Thank your INFJ with sincere hugs and kisses, and tell us you appreciate the things that we do for you. Just knowing that you’re aware of it is reward enough to keep us overjoyed (and enthusiastically continuing to do all the things you love that we do for you).

3. If an INFJ is in a romantic relationship with you, they consider you their number one priority in life. Your happiness and well being are the most important things in their lives.

4. Your INFJ can sense your emotions even more acutely than if you were telling us with words. We can feel what you are feeling. Don’t be alarmed by this as we will never use it against you. However, this means you can never lie to us. If you try, we will know, it will hurt our feelings badly that you did.

5. We love it when you just walk up to us and hold us. No words. Nothing complicated. Just gently wrap your arms around us and focus on how you feel about us. We can feel it like it is pouring out of you and into us. Don’t be alarmed if we cry when you do this.

6. We love to listen. Don’t be afraid to tell us what is on your mind, even if we didn’t ask. We love you and respect your privacy, and don’t like to pry.

7. We also love it when you listen to us. Please ask us questions to show us that you care, and let us talk when you do. The more intently you are interested in how we feel and what we have to say, the more we will love you.

8. Sometimes we need to recharge our minds, and will sit and stare blankly into space. This is perfectly normal, as your INFJ is rebooting their amazing mind. Systems will be online again shortly.

9. We thrive in an environment with just you, and a few of our closest loved ones. The more opportunities you help us create for these kinds of environments, the happier we will be.

10. We don’t do well in crowds for extended periods. We will join you in them if that’s where you want to go, but please be mindful of the duration of contact. INFJs may become unresponsive and even irritable when exposed to crowds for too long.

11. While we are extremely affectionate with you, we’re generally not interested in being affectionate with anyone else, and physical contact with strangers may unsettle your INFJ. It is best to keep strangers from attempting to pet your INFJ.

12. Your INFJ accepts you for everything you are. However, INFJs can be especially eccentric. If you accept your INFJ’s eccentricities and peculiar interests, this will greatly increase your INFJ’s happiness.

13. INFJs are otherwise very self sufficient low maintenance pets, and can be left to their own little worlds for extended periods. However, infrequent moments of affection are always appreciated.

14. Always kiss your INFJ goodnight and tell them that you love them, even if you’re not going to sleep when they do.

15. Always cuddle with your INFJ when they wake up and greet their day with love.

16. Your INFJ will have a reflex to help others. Do not be alarmed by this, as it does not in any way reflect on how your INFJ feels about you, or your relationship. It is simply our nature to help others – sometimes to a degree that makes the ones we love assume they are less of a priority. Nothing could be further from the truth.

17. Your INFJ is a planner. Sometimes spontaneity leaves us in a position that we cannot plan how to best make you happy, and we find this upsetting. Please understand that we are never upset with you, only the situation.

18. Your INFJ is very idealistic and principled. If you need us to go against our ideals or principles to make you happy, this can cause us a great deal of internal turmoil and tension. Please be mindful of our ideals and principles and avoid asking us to go against them.

19. When an INFJ’s ideals or principles are offended, we will pull away quickly. This may look very similar to our normal modes of being lost in our heads to the untrained eye, as we do not like to cause tension or disharmony. To best care for your INFJ, learn to spot this reaction and quickly make right whatever was wrong, even if it is simply an opinion. This will bring us back to the harmony we need to be our healthiest.

20. No one will ever love you as much as your INFJ.

 

[Billy]

Just tell them, take a minute to think of what you think/feel about them personalize it with experiences and tell them what they mean to you and why if you know why they mean it to you. They will listen, they will appreciate it.

 

[Arclight]

Here are my tips for the Proper Care of Your INFJ if you are in a romantic relationship with us.

1. Your INFJ adores you more than they can express with words. Even if they don’t tell you verbally, they will show you how they feel through their patience, kindness, and willingness to please you.

2. Thank your INFJ with sincere hugs and kisses, and tell us you appreciate the things that we do for you. Just knowing that you’re aware of it is reward enough to keep us overjoyed (and enthusiastically continuing to do all the things you love that we do for you).

3. If an INFJ is in a romantic relationship with you, they consider you their number one priority in life. Your happiness and well being are the most important things in their lives.

4. Your INFJ can sense your emotions even more acutely than if you were telling us with words. We can feel what you are feeling. Don’t be alarmed by this as we will never use it against you. However, this means you can never lie to us. If you try, we will know, it will hurt our feelings badly that you did.

5. We love it when you just walk up to us and hold us. No words. Nothing complicated. Just gently wrap your arms around us and focus on how you feel about us. We can feel it like it is pouring out of you and into us. Don’t be alarmed if we cry when you do this.

6. We love to listen. Don’t be afraid to tell us what is on your mind, even if we didn’t ask. We love you and respect your privacy, and don’t like to pry.

7. We also love it when you listen to us. Please ask us questions to show us that you care, and let us talk when you do. The more intently you are interested in how we feel and what we have to say, the more we will love you.

8. Sometimes we need to recharge our minds, and will sit and stare blankly into space. This is perfectly normal, as your INFJ is rebooting their amazing mind. Systems will be online again shortly.

9. We thrive in an environment with just you, and a few of our closest loved ones. The more opportunities you help us create for these kinds of environments, the happier we will be.

10. We don’t do well in crowds for extended periods. We will join you in them if that’s where you want to go, but please be mindful of the duration of contact. INFJs may become unresponsive and even irritable when exposed to crowds for too long.

11. While we are extremely affectionate with you, we’re generally not interested in being affectionate with anyone else, and physical contact with strangers may unsettle your INFJ. It is best to keep strangers from attempting to pet your INFJ.

12. Your INFJ accepts you for everything you are. However, INFJs can be especially eccentric. If you accept your INFJ’s eccentricities and peculiar interests, this will greatly increase your INFJ’s happiness.

13. INFJs are otherwise very self sufficient low maintenance pets, and can be left to their own little worlds for extended periods. However, infrequent moments of affection are always appreciated.

14. Always kiss your INFJ goodnight and tell them that you love them, even if you’re not going to sleep when they do.

15. Always cuddle with your INFJ when they wake up and greet their day with love.

16. Your INFJ will have a reflex to help others. Do not be alarmed by this, as it does not in any way reflect on how your INFJ feels about you, or your relationship. It is simply our nature to help others – sometimes to a degree that makes the ones we love assume they are less of a priority. Nothing could be further from the truth.

17. Your INFJ is a planner. Sometimes spontaneity leaves us in a position that we cannot plan how to best make you happy, and we find this upsetting. Please understand that we are never upset with you, only the situation.

18. Your INFJ is very idealistic and principled. If you need us to go against our ideals or principles to make you happy, this can cause us a great deal of internal turmoil and tension. Please be mindful of our ideals and principles and avoid asking us to go against them.

19. When an INFJ’s ideals or principles are offended, we will pull away quickly. This may look very similar to our normal modes of being lost in our heads to the untrained eye, as we do not like to cause tension or disharmony. To best care for your INFJ, learn to spot this reaction and quickly make right whatever was wrong, even if it is simply an opinion. This will bring us back to the harmony we need to be our healthiest.

20. No one will ever love you as much as your INFJ.

OK so now INFJs have the monopoly on love as well.??

And, do you call a 20 point bulletin, "love"? .. Sounds very conditional for someone who seems to be trying to convince someone that their love is unconditional.

Point 20, is the most arrogant and rude thing I have seen typed on here in ages.

Boooooo to you and your list

 

[tortoise]

If you absolutely have to point something out.. be gentle, very very gentle.
INFjs cant stand when others can look into them and see what they guard so preciously.

My INFJ ex-girlfriend couldn't stand to be wrong, even if I pointed it out very very gently -- and I only did so if it was something very important or necessary. If I knew she was wrong about a fact or detail that was not important to our everyday life I would let it go -- pick your battles I say!

She felt she had to be the one who was 'right' all the time and she'd go into a big sulk if it turned out that I was right about something. She'd say "I hate you forever" and run off to her bedroom or go all quiet. It's was like her self-image was attached to always being right and if she turned out to be wrong, she crumpled. I loved her and didn't care if she was right or wrong or if I was right or wrong -- I just don't judge people in that way but she does. She would often ask about my friends, how I could like them because they're stupid or they don't 'do the right thing' which for her was very tightly defined -- being vegan, left wing and atheist for example. I can pretty much get on with anyone and find connection points and if they have a different belief system, fine, that's just 'them' unless there is a serious, major clash with my deep values, like they're a person who just lives for making money or something. I don't care if a person is a Christian or an atheist or a Jain, I just care if they are warm and friendly and care about people. That's the most important thing to me about a person. But for her, the beliefs of a person were more important -- she couldn't be friends with someone if they didn't share her beliefs and as a result she hasn't got many friends.

Of course there were many things I loved about her but it was the downsides of her personality that really got to me in the end.

PARTICULARLY the controlling and HAVING TO BE RIGHT!!!

So, I don't really know how to answer the question of how to love INFJs because I tried and failed.

She liked it when I

* Listened to her complain about how stupid people are for hours on end. She found this very relaxing and loved me for it and it seemed to turn her on as would be all over me and hot and wet after I sat there for ages listening to her long long rants and grumbles. I guess she felt accepted. She found it very hard to relax and this was how she did it!

* Let her control everything. As long as she was in charge, she was happy. I just felt bossed around. I couldn't stick that out for ever.

* Not challenge her if she was wrong about something that didn't affect our everyday life, like an historical or grammatical fact.

She didn't like it that I was over-affectionate for her. I am not clingy -- I'm pretty damn independent -- but she found me clingy. She just didn't want as much affection as I wanted to give her. My natural response when listening to her problems was to hug her but she wanted to sit apart from me until she'd offloaded, and then she'd be all over me.

I guess in the end, we just didn't 'get' each other enough.

I think I need to be with someone who is ENFP but scores further from the centre than me.

 

[You]

What about ENFP to ENFJ?

 

[Sparrow]

How can I show an E/INFJ that I care about/love him/her?

Do nice things for them in return Tell them you appreciate them, we need that.

What are some specific things that I can do or say to "love" an E/INFJ?

Just tell them how you really feel about them, they would really appreciate it! ENFJs are all about being deep, sentimental, and gushy.

How much verbal/non-verbal affection do E/INFJ's want/need?

I want it daily! When an ENFJ doesnt feel affection because they dont know whats going with the other person, they sometimes take it personally. Not the best thing I know...

How can you tell if an E/INFJ likes you?

They will try to pick your brain & learn more about you.

 

[Arclight]

My INFJ ex-girlfriend couldn't stand to be wrong, even if I pointed it out very very gently -- and I only did so if it was something very important or necessary. If I knew she was wrong about a fact or detail that was not important to our everyday life I would let it go -- pick your battles I say!

She felt she had to be the one who was 'right' all the time and she'd go into a big sulk if it turned out that I was right about something. She'd say "I hate you forever" and run off to her bedroom or go all quiet. It's was like her self-image was attached to always being right and if she turned out to be wrong, she crumpled. I loved her and didn't care if she was right or wrong or if I was right or wrong -- I just don't judge people in that way but she does. She would often ask about my friends, how I could like them because they're stupid or they don't 'do the right thing' which for her was very tightly defined -- being vegan, left wing and atheist for example. I can pretty much get on with anyone and find connection points and if they have a different belief system, fine, that's just 'them' unless there is a serious, major clash with my deep values, like they're a person who just lives for making money or something. I don't care if a person is a Christian or an atheist or a Jain, I just care if they are warm and friendly and care about people. That's the most important thing to me about a person. But for her, the beliefs of a person were more important -- she couldn't be friends with someone if they didn't share her beliefs and as a result she hasn't got many friends.

Of course there were many things I loved about her but it was the downsides of her personality that really got to me in the end.

PARTICULARLY the controlling and HAVING TO BE RIGHT!!!

So, I don't really know how to answer the question of how to love INFJs because I tried and failed.

She liked it when I

* Listened to her complain about how stupid people are for hours on end. She found this very relaxing and loved me for it and it seemed to turn her on as would be all over me and hot and wet after I sat there for ages listening to her long long rants and grumbles. I guess she felt accepted. She found it very hard to relax and this was how she did it!

* Let her control everything. As long as she was in charge, she was happy. I just felt bossed around. I couldn't stick that out for ever.

* Not challenge her if she was wrong about something that didn't affect our everyday life, like an historical or grammatical fact.

She didn't like it that I was over-affectionate for her. I am not clingy -- I'm pretty damn independent -- but she found me clingy. She just didn't want as much affection as I wanted to give her. My natural response when listening to her problems was to hug her but she wanted to sit apart from me until she'd offloaded, and then she'd be all over me.

I guess in the end, we just didn't 'get' each other enough.

I think I need to be with someone who is ENFP but scores further from the centre than me.

Yeah, that is rough .. I have been there and I feel your pain.

INFJ's are a paradox... what they want is what they fear.

When fear controls they seem to build a safety script that everything has to follow. If something doesn't follow, it becomes part of the problem.

I am still working through this kind of stuff myself..
I am sure you feel manipulated. But there is more to this than meets the eye.

My therapist says Intelligence and Intuition will build the most mighty defenses that even the programmer can't get around.

INFJs therefore could be argued to have some of the mightiest defenses going.

Don't blame yourself, at least not entirely.

Good luck and if you need any help, just ping me.

 

[copperfish17]

I really appreciate everyone's inputs. Thanks all!

They will try to pick your brain & learn more about you.

Just for you, Sparrow, because you're super awesome.

Here you go. Please be gentle with it.

 

[tortoise]

Yeah, that is rough .. I have been there and I feel your pain.

INFJ's are a paradox... what they want is what they fear.

When fear controls they seem to build a safety script that everything has to follow. If something doesn't follow, it becomes part of the problem.

I am still working through this kind of stuff myself..
I am sure you feel manipulated. But there is more to this than meets the eye.

My therapist says Intelligence and Intuition will build the most mighty defenses that even the programmer can't get around.

INFJs therefore could be argued to have some of the mightiest defenses going.

Don't blame yourself, at least not entirely.

Good luck and if you need any help, just ping me.

Thanks

 

[Sparrow]

I really appreciate everyone's inputs. Thanks all!



Just for you, Sparrow, because you're super awesome.

Here you go. Please be gentle with it.

Yesss! A new brain to pick arrigato gozymas.

 

[ExAstrisSpes]

I'm jumping in way late, but I wanted to add my 2 cents.

Be honest, show yourself as you really are, don't break the trust, stick around but don't try to smother and don't try too hard.

Once you break the trust, it's all over, at least for me. Seriously, you get one shot, and once you screw it up, no more ENFJ for you! Once I feel like I can't trust someone, or if they've crapped on me one-too-many-times, they get moved to a circle of people who I will be polite to but won't let close to me.

When you share your thoughts and feelings on things with me, important and non-important alike. Especially in regards to questions I have asked.

Tell me who you are. Tell me things important to you, whatever they may be.

When you show that you want to know me. When you accept who I am in entirety. When you challenge me and don't blindly agree, but be polite about disagreement, I don't like unkindness... Sarcasm is all right; in fact it is very welcome. I love anything that makes me laugh.

I enjoy when I can sense others are genuinely interested in my thoughts and feelings.

This is all good. I truncated it, but I kept most of the good points.

Be genuine. I can always tell when someone is not being genuine when they talk/compliment me, and it kind of pisses me off. Then again, I don't see how an INTP can not be genuine.

If it's not romantic, why do you care? I'm lost.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

.....

20 Steps for the proper care and feeding of INFJs, which apply to ENFJs as well.

......

All of this. ENFJ's love hugs, and giggles, and cuddles.

One thing I have noticed in my romantic relationships with INTPs is that they don't seem to need/require a lot of contact. So a week goes by (an eternity to an ENFJ), and I'm left wondering how I stand in the relationship. I *know* that everything is OK, but I do feel insecure in not having some sort of "check up", if that makes any sense. This could just be me though. But I think a surprise text/phone call/e-mail would really let your ENFJ know you care.

 

[DJAchtundvierzig]

OK so now INFJs have the monopoly on love as well.??

And, do you call a 20 point bulletin, "love"? .. Sounds very conditional for someone who seems to be trying to convince someone that their love is unconditional.

Point 20, is the most arrogant and rude thing I have seen typed on here in ages.

Boooooo to you and your list

I didn't type this, I just thought it was interesting. I found it at:

The Zombie Watch

 

[Vasilisa]

Here are my tips for the Proper Care of Your INFJ if you are in a romantic relationship with us.

I didn't type this, I just thought it was interesting. I found it at:

The Zombie Watch

Its wise to link or credit in that case, just so you're aware.

Posting other people's material

 

[Arclight]

I didn't type this, I just thought it was interesting. I found it at:

The Zombie Watch

You still posted it. I don't want to personally attack you.. but can't you see how irresponsible that number 20 really is? How degrading it is to both INFJs and non INFJs alike???

 

[Tiltyred]

I think it's maybe a little silly. Why do you think it's degrading and irresponsible? I doubt there was any intention to offend.

 

[Jaguar]

You still posted it. I don't want to personally attack you.. but can't you see how irresponsible that number 20 really is? How degrading it is to both INFJs and non INFJs alike???

I thought #20 suggested having an unrealistic view of relationships. Living in a constant state of idealistic fantasy. In love with being in love- a drug.

 

[Arclight]

I think it's maybe a little silly. Why do you think it's degrading and irresponsible? I doubt there was any intention to offend.

I thought #20 suggested having an unrealistic view of relationships. Living in a constant state of idealistic fantasy. In love with being in love- a drug.

I can't spin it guys... I have tried.. It says what it says.. INFJs have the monopoly on the love. No one can love better than an INFJ.

It is irresponsible and insulting to both INFJs and other types and stinks of arrogance for the person who wrote and to anyone who agrees with it.

I think I have explained myself.. Why doesn't someone explain to me why my perception might be flawed instead?